How to Tell Children That Parent Has Cancer

My dad was diagnosed with Leukemia when I was 6 months old. It wasn't until I was about 7 though, when my parents told me about it.

They basically sat us down, told us what was going on, that daddy was very sick that he would be going through some tough surgeries and treatments. He explained that the treatments could make him very sick and sometimes may even change his temperment, and he apologized in advance if he ever sounded angry over little things. They never made any promises that he would beat it, (since promising things that you have no control over can backfire if you "break your promise").

He told us that he loved us and needed us to pray for him, that he would fight it as hard as he could for us.

I was pretty much raised in the hospital with him and he went through several rounds of chemo/radiation/ 2 different bone marrow transplants, multiple surgeries, we even lived in temporary housing so he could get treatment.

He had cancer for 23 years and died when I was 23-ish years old. His sickness really made our family closer and he will forever be my number one example in life. Even through his sickness and deformities, he always made time for us and was the best dad he could be.

Just know that cancer doesn't make a person, and that a family can survive through it and children can too.

http://littlelovables.blogspot.com/2008/06/fathers-day.html

As for those who say to avoid telling your son about the cancer, I would not take that advice. As a person who lived through this as a young child through my early adult years, honesty is always best. Children need to have faith and trust in their parents, even in rough times. That is what strengthens families. Also, you r child will know he is sick and not knowing the truth or not understanding details will only add confusion. He is 11 and old enough/smart enough to know what is going on.

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Be honest and truthful the whole time. We had a child with cancer, and from the start we told her everything, she was 3 when diagnosed and passed away on her 6th birthday!

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Dear M.:

I had the same situation last year. We had to tell our 12-year-old daughter that I had breast cancer. We chose a quiet evening, no TV in the background, and sat down and told our daughter. Be sure to assure your child that it has been caught early. Be honest and give a simple outline of treatment. Also be ready for tough questions. My daughter asked me if I was going to die. This will frighten your children, but NOT knowing will be worse.

Let them know what's going to happen, i.e., Dad will be sick from treatments, so they know what's coming. Give them suggestions on various things to help and let them decide how to help. My daughter cooked scrambled eggs for me and that was the only thing that I could eat during the first round of chemo.

I don't know what type of treatment your husband faces, but my experience with chemo, radiation and with surgery is the doctors and nurses are all extremely open to family involvement. Get advice from nurses about how to involve kids and how much. My daughter did not go to my chemo treatments, but she did go to my other IV treatments. Listen to your kids, they will let you know how much they need to be involved with treatment.

My biggest piece of advice is be honest with your kids. My mother-in-law had breast cancer when my husband was 12, but back then they thought not telling children anything protected them. It didn't. My husband imagined far worse.

Another thing is to make sure your kids still get to their practices and ball games. It's okay if you and your husband can't now and then, just get them a ride. The kids REALLY need their schedule and things to stay as normal as possible. This is a time to take EVERYBODY up on their offer to help. Carpooling is a Godsend. Also get your children's teachers in the loop of what's going on. They can be there for an extra hug and keep an eye on them.

Hang in there. You can get through this as a family.

L. F., Mom of a 13-year-old daughter and married to my best friend for 22 years.

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I would be honest with your kids and explain what is going on in plain and simple terms. the more you try to protect them, they can sense that you aren't being truthful and that will just make them more fearful. by letting them in, you can make them a positive part of the healing process, and that could actually serve to strengthen the bond within the family. I have seen families go through cancer with a positive outcome, and terminal cancer, and the families where the children simply amazed me by their strength, their maturity, and how well-adjusted they were, were those whose family's had included them in the conversation and in the experience and let them know that their part in the family was valid, that they were valid.

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Just tell them. There is no easy way for this kind of news especially with everything we hear about cancer these days. Make sure they are involved in everything that happens. Perhaps even have them go to doctor meetings when discussing procedures. So that they can ask questions. Remember they are involved too. And including them might help them through the news and makes them want to help out more or even whine less with other situations.
Good Luck and God Bless your family.

PLEASE be honest with your child. God forbid you sugar-coat the situation and something terrible happens. Your child is old enough to grasp the concept that his father is ill. Explain what some of the symptoms could be and ask him if he has any questions, concerns or wants to know more about the situation. God Bless you & your family.

K

If his oncologist is like the one I had don't do this use one of the nurses that seem very friendly. My daughters were 16 and 14 when I had mine. I took them to speak with one of the oncologist nurses and they sat down and explained everything to them as if they were adults. When faced with something like this kids want to be in the know. They do not want you to treat them like babies. For you to talk with them they will have questions you either may not be able to handle them asking or know the exact answer. The nurses and doctors are trained at this. Just call them and ask who would be the best, the one who has the most empathy and understanding that won't just be blunt and uncaring about talking to a child. I would not mention it ahead of time just tell them there is someone you want them to talk to. Also go to cancer.org and find a link for support groups for children. Even though you say they got it all trust me the fear is there and very real. I have been cancer free for 9 years now but have the fear everyday and so does my family. I wish your family all the luck in the world and pray that in 9 years he also will say he has been clear for 9 years.

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/COM/COM_0.asp
When my sister told her kids about her breast cancer, she and her husband borrowed some book from the American Cancer Society library. I am not sure if the local American Cancer Society has books that would help, but they might be able to point you to some.

Several people have already told you exactly what I am about to say but here goes.
Be honest and don't make promises. Let them know that there is going to be good days and bad days and encourage them to keep a journal on how they are feeling and then have time set aside to talk to them about their feelings they have written.
Kids know when things are happening and they know when things are being sugar coated. Have faith and God will guide you and your family.

I am very sorry to hear about your husband. I will pray that everything goes okay for the entire family.
This week a year ago I had my last chemo treatment. We found out I had Hodgins Disease in Aug 2007. We have three children (6,8,10 now). All three of them play soccer and are extremely active. When we found out school had just started and their sports were fixing to start. Anyway, we were just completely honest with all of them. We just told them that Mom was sick, but the doctors finally figured out why I had been so tired for a year. We were completely honest with them, but without giving too much details unless they asked. We told them it was possible I would be sick and they would need to help out around the house more until I got better. As we learned more, like how long things might last and any other treatment that was necessary, we let them know as well. We did keep them in all the activities so their lives weren't too out of whack. I also chose to let the school counselor know just in case anything was brought up at school and any of mine seemed to be having more of a problem talking about the subject. I don't know how old your other child is, but I can tell you my kids, even the youngest one, really stepped up and helped out. They understood what was going on and even asked questions when they needed to. We did have one extra obstacle to overcome, my 10 year old had a classmate that had cancer and passed away during my treatments. That really hit her pretty hard. We just explained to her how my treatment was going and that the results were showing improvement.
I hope this helps. Sorry for the length. The jist of it is be honest, but not more detailed than their minds can handle. They already know that cancer is scary, they don't need the details of everything that can happen. Everyone reacts different with the treatments. Tell them getting sick and weak is common with the treaments. If other symptoms show up then explain to them then.
There is so much more I would like to share with you. If you need anything else please feel free to contact me. If you have any questions as things progress do not hesitate.
I will be praying for you
S.

Check on a book by Dr. James Dobson...he has really good ideas on talking kids through difficult life situations.

My nephew was about your son's age when his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. All I can say is to be completely honest with him and answer all his questions the best you can, and let him know whats going on with his dad, don't try to hide anything from him and he will understand better what is happening. It's alot scarier for kids if they don't have any idea what is going on and just see the effects of the treatments on their parents. When your husband goes in for treatment, make sure that your son knows he's going on that day and that dad may not be feeling well when he gets done with it because sometimes the treatments have to make us sick in order to make us better. Honesty is the best policy, your son will feel better about things if he knows whats going on, and be there for him if he has any questions or concerns.

At 11, you need to be open and honest with him. I know the temptation is to protect them from fear and worry, but he is less likely to be afraid if you tell him that the cancer was detected early, that dad will be undergoing treatments to make sure it doesn't return and that dad will be getting regular checkups to make sure he is healthy. Being honest with him on this will reassure him that you are open and honest with him. If you are not completely open with him and he finds out down the road, you will have eroded his trust in you. These are "family" issues to be shared as a family. And, imagine if the treatments make dad ill and/or bald how much fear that will cause your son if he does not understand what is going on and how angry he will be that he wasn't told in advance what to expect.

Kids always know when something is going on, so I think you should tell him just enough so he isn't wondering and scared. I'm sure your pedi could help you with how much info to give and how to break the news to him. Good luck with telling your children and I pray your husband makes a full recovery as quickly as possible. My prayers are with you all!

Be honest and open to your children. If the older one asks more questions answer truthfully. It doesn't matter the ages even adult children have fears about the "c" word and must be reassured. Evan a grandchild that is close or very attached can have issues and must see to believe and be reassured. I am so glad that the doctors were able to find it in time to treat it.

For all women on this site please make sure your husbands get a physical and if over 45 get a blood test for prostate cancer. If he needs you to go go with him so that you both know what is going on as husbands don't always tell us everything said. I am caregiving my husband who has advanced prostate cancer which metastisized to the bone. It is a difficult journey but one that we as a family are going through. The down side to all this I am a breast cancer survivor and have to step back to keep myself healthy. Now that this has happened to my husband he has become a poster person about getting physicals for men. May your husband recover to live a long and healthy life and that your sons will have him their lives for soccer, football and college graduations. The other S. PS I don't light candles as they cause fires but I will keep you in my thoughts.

Be open and honest with both your children. Believe me, they know when something is not right. They need to be able to ask questions and express whatever emotions they are feeling and know that they can trust you to be honest with them. I am a 13 year cancer survivor and my children have thanked me numerous times for telling them honestly what was going on and for including them in my recovery. They were a surprising source of strength and helpfulness. We are closer today than ever. God bless you and your family.

I am so sorry that your husband is sick. Please tell him I'm praying for him.

As for what to tell your son, you've gotten wonderful advice here. My parents were not honest with me when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I was 11, nearly 12, just like your son, and it still rankles. My older siblings all knew, and I figured it out from people mentioning chemotherapy and radiation treatments. To this day, I feel a bit distant from the rest of my family, and I had a really hard time dealing with it. So, I say you should not only tell your oldest son, but your younger child as well. A really young child need only know that Daddy is sick, but the doctors are trying to fix him. Your older son can handle more details about the diagnosis, the treatments and how they are scheduled, and how the treatments will affect his father. Something along the lines of "He'll be tired, he may lose his hair, he may have a hard time staying warm so he'll need blankets and we may need to keep the house a bit warmer than usual, we may have to arrange for other people to take you to school sometimes so I can take Dad to the doctor," etc. Their lives are going to change as you go through this, no matter how hard you try to keep things the same for them, so being honest upfront is the way to go.

Take care.

I don't have alot of advice to give, but I do suggest being open and honest. My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 20, and my sister was 13 at the time. My parents were very open with us on everything that was going on, and kept the lines of communication open. They answered our questions honestly, and even took us to some of the appointments so the docs could explain things directly to us. It was a very difficult time, but the family really stuck together and leaned on each other for support. Thankfully my dad recovered and has been healthy for the last 10 years. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time.

I would NOT tell your children that he has cancer. At that age they would worry too much. So many people, especially children associate cancer with death. I would be honest that their dad not feeling well and the doctors are taking care of it. I just would try to avoid using the word cancer.

In deciding what to say if anything I would seek out the advice of a counselor the specializes in dealing with children. Maybe your husband's doctor has a recommendation. It would probably only require one session and the counselor will most likely have plenty of experience in similar situations to draw from.

I'm sorry to hear of your husband's news. My sister and her husband just went through the same thing with my nephew who is 12. They had a Hospice Counselor meet with them first and then they told their son. You may want to confer with your Oncologist or Doctor before telling your son. My brother in law has Melenonma and they first told him 4 months to live and then after talking with the Hospice Counselors and Oncologist, they said you just don't know, live one day at a time. Your Husband's doesn't sound as serious however you just don't know with cancer. Blessing to you and your family.

First of all, I am so happy to hear that your husband's prognosis is good.

I think you are absolutely correct. The kids need to know what is going on with their dad. I think it is the perfect opportunity to teach your son and other child to be aware of their health. They can also learn that thanks to modern medicine, a cancer diagnosis is no longer an automatic death sentence. If your husband hadn't gone to the doctor for whatever symptoms he had or had the check-up (whatever situation led to the discovery of the cancer) then it might not have been as treatable. Men are ususally the worst at going to the doctor for stuff. When you & dh explain that he has cancer and what treatments he will be going through, allow them to ask questions and give honest answers. Give them all the honest reassurances you can also.

Good luck with the discussions to come and with your husband's treatments.

M.,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband and I can definitely relate. My husband was diagnosed with cancer last May, had surgery and chemotherapy - he is doing great. We have older and younger kids (age range 27, 25, 9 and 6) I know that sounds crazy but true! We told them up front because it is hard to keep that inside especially when he is sick, has had surgery, etc. For me, I fell apart a few times and I felt it is best to be truthful and upfront. Your children are old enough to understand, old enough to sense something is wrong, etc. You will see them become supportive, sad, etc. It is a emotional time on everyone but it is best to be truthful and let them know what is going on. Good luck and if you ever need someone to talk to that's been through it as the wife I'm here.
Blessings!
T. (cell ###-###-####)

I would just say be gentle but honest, and answer his questions if he has any. Emphasize that, because it was caught early, Dad should be fine. My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 11 and my parents were not honest with me at first. I thought both then and now that they should have told me sooner. Good luck.

Honesty is the best policy, especially for preadolescence/preteen. Family support can help every member of the family get through this challenging time. You might sit down together and approach the situation in a 'matter-of-fact' tone (not to take lightly, but not to make a huge deal about it). You might provide him with information about cancer/treatment by giving him reading material-pamphlet with pictures.
Be sure to ask him how he feels about what's going on. Kids cope in different ways. Make sure he's offered healthy and acceptable ways that he can release his stress (sports, friends, counselor etc...).
I hope this helps a little. Good luck to you and your family!

My husbands sister, aunt to my children, has stage IV breast cancer. she is on 29 and was first diagnosed at age 24. She has lived with us off & on since her teen years and we are her primary support & caregivers. My children think of her more as an older sister. So, when she was diagnosed with Cancer we sat down as a family and told the kids explained in simple terms what that meant, what the game plan was for treatment & getting her healthy & what they could expect as far as her fatigue, nauseasness & hair loss. We asked the kids if they had questions and told them to ask whatever they wanted. They came up with great questions. We also came up with things that they could do to help like planning quite activities or playing outside on bad days, spending time with her on good days, helping with extra chores to help free up my time for the extra care giver duties. They really seemed to like that there was something they could do too & have pitched in & pulled their weight all the way. We have also participated in a few family cancer runs. Kids are amazingly strong & have a lot of strength. Good luck & God bless your family.

I wish you all the best. I would strongly suggest that you tell both your children the absolute truth. American Cancer Society has great resources. Also there is a great organization called Gilda's Club www.gildasclub.org - they have groups for children in similar situations and it is very helpful for the kids to see and talk to other children that are going through the same things/feelings. You can also see if your hospital/clinic has a Child Life Specialist or a Social Worker that can help you talk to your chilren. The best thing to do in my experience is to keep the children in the loop so they can also deal with their emotions and talk talk talk to them. My prayers are with you.

Dear M.,

At your son's age, he probably already realizes something is going on. In spite of the fact that he will most assuredly be disappointed to learn that his dad had cancer, he will most probably be relieved to know WHAT is happening. I suggest you be honest and open and that you do it soon. The longer you wait, the worse he will think the situation is. He will wonder why you waited so long to tell him.

I've already said a prayer for your whole family--1)for your husband's health, 2)for a sensitive,caring way for you to share information about your husband's illness with your son and 3) for you, as you care for everyone!

Stay strong!

Deb D
Joshua 1:9

Kudos on your decision to keep your kids informed. They know when things are different. I think it's important to tell them that every person's cancer experience is different, so what happened to someone else may not be what happens to dad. Once they are told, they'll tell others at school, who are then going to tell them all of these horror stories of what happened to aunt so-&-so. If they hear anything from kids at school or have any questions, come ask YOU, not other friends at school. This will give them permission to burden you (they won't want to burden you in your time of stress) with their worries. And you will know how they are feeling and handling it all. It will be a growing experience for your whole family. God Bless.

Hi M.,

I am a Breast Cancer survior. When I found out that I had Breast Cancer and found out that I would have to have Chemo and Radiation. My daughters were 1 and 9. What I did was explain to the oldest that I had cancer and that I would be having certain treatments that would cause me to loose my hair. And purchased a book for her to read so she would not be afraid. And all was well.
God bless you and good luck.

G.

You and your family are in my prayers. You should just tell him and be honest. Allow him to ask the questions that he doesn't understand. Explain it just as you have here on mamasource. He is old enough to understand, how old is your other child? I think everyone in the family should be aware of what is going on, you may want to talk to them separate to make the conversation "age-appropriate" but then a family discussion might be best, y'all are all in this together. God Bless.