How to Tell a Friend Who Has Been Wanting a Baby for Years, That I Am Pregnant

Hi R., I have been in your friend's shoes. I had become pregnant for the first time, the baby implanted in the fallopian tube which ruptured, and I nearly bled to death. About 3 months later, my best friend discovered she was pregnant with her third. Although she lives in another state, we were communicating quite regularly - we talked on the phone at least twice a week. Knowing how badly I had always wanted a baby, and for fear that she was going to hurt me, she didn't tell me she was pregnant until she was already 5 months along. I can tell you, her waiting to tell me was WAY more hurtful than if she had told me earlier when she had told everybody else. I was elated that she was having another, but I was VERY upset that she had waited so long to tell me.

Please tell your friend as soon as you can. She may feel sad that she hasn't been able to conceive, but if she is as good a friend as you say, she will be happy for you.

Hi R.,

You've received great advice, but I wanted to chime in- mostly to say how thoughtful you are to consider her feelings.

I can tell you what I think as someone who went through infertility. First, I think e-mail is best- this way she has time to process things before responding. On the phone forces her to have an immediate, probably forced, response. E-mail she can either be a little sad for herself and hopefully come around to being happy for you, or find out she was fine from the get-go.

My biggest piece of advice- don't pretend to know how she feels. It's in our nature to sympathize with people, and any woman who has suffered a miscarriage or infertility knows that once you tell someone, they are likely to tell you their story or something about someone they know. Almost always coming from a good and nice place, it just wasn't helpful.

I do have a daughter now and am so blessed. But I have to watch myself because telling someone I know how they feel means a lot less as I'm telling them while holding my daughter!

Having said all of that, don't stress to much about it. Just by worrying about her, you are doing the right thing. You don't need to tip toe around everything and worry about every interaction with her. Your awareness will guide you, and she likely has some defenses in place, too.

The best thing you can do is be honest with her. If you are nervous about how to have conversations with her- tell her that. Tell her what you are worried about. Ask her if there is anything she'd like you to know about what is helpful or hurtful to her. I'll bet you are surprised by how much just that openness will help you both.

The best thing is to just tell her. It will be hard for her at first, I have been in her shoes, but she will be overjoyed and happy for you. The longer you wait she could become more hurt because you didn't trust her. I would call her.

R., I would call and just let her know you are pregnant and that you have waited because you wanted to get past the initial time when you can miscarry and that you were also unsure of how to tell her. I was "that friend" I appreciated honest candor from my friends when they were pregnant. I knew when they tip toed around it they were trying to protect me, but I didn't need protection, I needed my friends. If you are true friends even if she feels her loss still she will not be able to not be happy for you. I saw many friends get pregnant and have babies and I am excited and happy for each of them.
I cannot have more children and so cherish the one I was able to have. I still get excited for my friends and sometimes yes I do cry on my own but that is my issue and I know my friends don't need to carry that as any kind of guilt--I'm so happy when they get that blessing in their lives. I have one friend I talk to the most about not being able to have babies and my miscarriages. She has 5 kids. 3 of her own and 2 adopted. she was always just so upfront about her pregnancies, and asking how I was doing and letting me know talk if you want, if you don't I understand. If I said please no kid talk today she would laugh and say great I can use the break too. its why it works.
anyway I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but I truly hope she can be happy for you even if it is hard for her. I think most often it is the people who haven't been "the friend" waiting that worry so much about that news. for myself and most of my other friends who have had a hard time conceiving or carrying babies, we don't begrudge moms their blessings...unless it is a teenager who doesn't know who the father is had sex one time and wham...that is a whole other story.
lol

Hi R.,
I would say just be honest with your friend, tell her you have some news you have hesitated to share because didn't know how to tell her without making her feel bad. Then give her whatever details you want. And I would use whatever form of communication (phone, email etc.) that you usually use when you talk to her.
Good luck!

You've gotten some great advice. I've been in the position of both your friend, and more recently you. I appreciated the more personal touches, so phone, and just share that you're sorry you waited so long, but you weren't quite sure how to say it, and you didn't want to hurt her. She may not be happy for you right away, but she will be in time. It hurts, no matter how happy you are for the person, and hurt takes time to heal. Congratulations! I have a feeling telling your friend will go over much easier and much better than what you're expecting.

Just tell her. If she is a good friend she will be happy for you.

Definitely over the phone! Unless you don't want to be there for her when she gets sad, possibly cry. Be prepared to tell her that you cannot even imagine how she feels when you tell her that you are pregnant (unless you have gone through the same before your first pregnancy). As humans we like to tell people that we understand, but trust me when I tell you that you don't understand until you have been in the same situation, especially in this situation. Also don't give her false hope that one day it will happen, because you will add to her burdens when it doesn't happen. However help her to understand that you will always be her friend and you will love her whether she has children or not, because you became friends when she had no children. If it has been 3-4 years or more of trying to get pregnant she is like a open wound right now and will need your honest care and love, even if you don't quite understand how she feels.

My husband and I had tried to get pregnant for 5 years when I finally was put on Clomid for one month and Poof there I was pregnant with #1. I was 16 weeks along when we broke the news to family and friends. After that I could honestly say that I understood when other friends had problems getting pregnant. Getting pregnant with #2 was a total surprise without any Clomid or other drugs, but when sharing the news I managed to break one of my friend's heart because I didn't know at the time (had little contact with her for a few months) that she wanted to have a baby and ended up with a hysterectomy instead. When I found out what had happened to her (on a visit) and how hurt she had been by my announcement we had a hugging-crying session (we both cried and hugged). My husband and I think that the use of a magnetic mattress pad from Nikken on our bed might have assisted with the second pregnancy, but there is no scientific proof of that. #2 is turning 9 years old today on St. Patricks Day and is more than a miracle baby, since she was born at 29 weeks and 4 days, weighing only 1 lb 12 oz and have no defects from it at all (she was in a hurry to come to our family).

When growing up there was a young lady that had just gotten married about a year ago and she had 5 miscarriages. Her husband had read that the vitamin E in high doses could aid in stopping miscarriages and in some cases even aid in conceiving, when both man and woman took the vitamin. When she got pregnant again they waited to break the news until she was at least 4 months along and when she told her brother and sister-in-law (SIL) about it she chose to do so at an activity in church (not an intelligent choice). The SIL locked herself in the bathroom and we could hear her sobbing for about an hour. The brother and SIL had been trying to get pregnant for 8 years without even miscarriages to give them hope of getting pregnant. After this heartbreak the brother and SIL also started on a vitamin E regimen and it was not long before the SIL was pregnant. Today they have 4 grown children.

Feel free to share this story with your friend if you want to, since it worked for both couples and maybe you can help give her a glimpse of hope. Good luck with telling your friend.

My husband and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years to have a second child and the docs say its not likely to happen. I have friends all around me getting pregnant. A phone call has been better for me when its a good friend. My brother called to tell me they were having another baby. He called me first before telling anyone and started that he knew this would be hard for me, but they loved me and were there if I needed them. He did it better than anyone because he cared about my heart. I am so excited for them and I will love that baby to no end! But the first week was hard and I cried a lot and then I cried a lot when my period came and then again when something else happened. The sadness is for the loss we feel not getting pregnant each month. Its not because we don't want you to be pregnant. Tell her, make her feel loved and special......she will love your child and be excited, just give her time to cry.

I think that not telling her would be worse than not telling her at all. Just tell her like you told anyone else and if she is a good person, which I am sure she is, she will be happy for you.

Congratulations on your 3rd little one. One is keeping me busy enough for now...I can't imagine having three!
Let me give you a little advice from someone that was in your friend's shoes once. My husband and I tried for 1 1/2 before getting pregnant. Nobody knew we were trying so nobody had to dance around me or worry about hurting my feelings. I heard a lot of things like, "We weren't even trying." and "Oh my gosh - we don't even really 'want' a baby.". Those things were very hard to hear - so don't say those. I cried a lot every time I heard that someone else was pregnant. Some times I cried just because I was so mad at myself for not being just simply happy for my friends. I wanted so bad to JUST be happy without feeling jealous or sad or mad. And overall, I was happy for my friends, but also sad for myself. I am telling you this so you can maybe understand how your friend is feeling. Expect her to be sad and tell her it's okay for her to feel that way. Trust me, no matter how she reacts, she is happy for you. Just give her some time to process the news and if she is a true friend then her happiness will only grow. Good luck!

R.,
What a good friend you are to consider her feelings. Many women who haven't known the heartbreak of miscarriage and infertility really don't understand how painful it can be to see your friends getting pregnant left and right while you have no luck. My husband and I tried for over 6 years. I had 4 miscarriages and two IVF's before finally having my daughter 2 years ago. I would email her with the news. That way she isn't taken off guard by the phonecall. It will give her a chance to "deal with it" without hurting you. She will need to absorb it and figure out how to congratulate you without making it about her. That way you can have a conversation (on the phone) AFTER she knows what is going on. It is so tough to be happy for others when you are in the middle of such heartbreak. You are a TRUE TRUE friend to be so considerate of her feelings when you are so excited and joyful. Good luck and if you need to email me I would be happy to talk to you about it more. ~Hugs~ B.

Dear R.,
Oh, what a tough situation for you. It's such a sensitive thing to talk about. You know, my husband and I tried to get pergnant for 10 years. We finally ended up adopting, so I am very, very, very grateful. Anyway, I know that it was hard for my friends and family to tell me that they were pregnant. Even though, it reminded me of what I didn't have (yet) I was still so happy for them. I think that calling your friend to tell her would be great. Since you are friends, I'm sure she'd want to know. In her private moments, she might have a little break down, but it is important that she hear from you, that you are pregnant. Best of luck to you. God bless you for being so sensitive to her feelings. What a gem of a friend. :)
Sincerely,
J.

A true friend will be happy for you. Just because she is having a hard time conceiving doesn't mean she isn't capable of sharing your joy. My gal pal and her husband have been trying since they got married. My husband and I have had two kids since, who are now 7 and 4. No luck for our friends yet, but they love our kids like family, and are always happy to welcome a new baby. They have never made any comments about why we could have babies and they can't. She always goes to EVERY baby shower for friends and family, and although she felt down after a few of those showers, she is happy for couples who get to be parents. They were finally able to adopt a newborn baby girl 2 months ago! She found out that where the DNA comes from doesn't matter when she is comforting her baby girl in the middle of the night. My point is, don't treat your friend as if she is weak and can't handle good news. In my opinion, a good friend will be happy for you (even if she has to fake the excitement) and cry in her husband's arms later. Definitely don't send her an email. When you call her, just say, "I have some good news I wanted to share with my good friend." Be positive, and don't tip-toe around telling her or you may not be giving her the chance to express happiness for you. If you treat it as the "big elephant in the corner of the room" the conversation will automatically turn to sadness for herself. Treat it like it is, GOOD NEWS, just don't rub it in her face that she hasn't had a baby yet (but you knew not to do that). Congrats!

Here's my take from someone who has had infertility issues. First of all, even though it is tough to hear of other people's success when you are trying so hard to conceive and failing, I was always genuinely happy for others when I heard of their pregnancies. Some people handle that differently than others, but I would never have wanted someone to feel badly telling me their good news. That being said, sensitivity in these situations is always a good thing. I would recommend telling her soon. I really don't think it matters whether you tell her in an email or over the phone...I think the most important thing is to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Share your genuine feelings with her. Tell her that you have good news, but you are not quite sure how to share it with her. Tell her that you are expecting, and that you want to share that news with her, and that you recognize that it may be difficult for her to hear about it or talk about it. Honesty & acknowledging her struggle is a good thing. Just tell her that you care about her, so you want to share this big part of your life with her - to the extent she is comfortable with that. After that, I wouldn't go on and on about details, I would just follow her lead...answer questions when she asks, but don't volunteer every little thing that you're going through with the pregnancy. She will appreciate that you care about her and are trying to be thoughtful. Also, try not to overcompensate by complaining about the bad things about pregnancy, by pretending that the whole thing isn't a big deal, or by trying to act just excited & normal in an attempt to force things to be normal...all of those approaches can be natural tendencies in dealing with such a sensitive subject. But it just makes the other person feel that you are not grateful for the great blessing in your life. Just be natural, sincere and then follow her lead. There's no way to completely avoid this being a bit difficult, but I think this is the best way to minimize the difficulty.

R. - I was your friend. My husband and I tried for 6.5 years before we got pregnant. My sister got "knocked up" when she was 19 and it almost killed me. I can't tell you how bad I hurt over that.

But, the people I worked with knew what was going on. So one day, when my office mate/friend came in with a very serious "I need to talk to you" as she closed the door, I can say I was worried!

She sat down and told me that she was expecting, but before she told anyone else at work, she wanted to make sure she told me and that I could deal with it. She said that she and her husband were very excited, but she didn't want to hurt me.

I was so happy for her. And, I can't tell you how I appreciated her honesty. I appreciated her taking the time to make sure I knew "first". It was very special to me that she had thought about me.

Another co-worker wanted to have kids, too and when I finally found I was expecting, I did the same thing. I took her a flower and sat down and told her that I was pregnant and wanted her to know first.

You don't mention how long your friend has been trying. I realize some people think a year or 2 is a long time. But I also know the heart ache and pain of years and years going by and ....nothing.

So, my advice is to call her and tell her that you have some news to share, but you are worried about how she will take it and that you don't want her hurt. Please, please don't tell her "It'll happen for you" - I know people mean well when they say that, but for someone who has spent years trying - years crying themselves to sleep due to the emptiness created by this desire it comes across as totally snooty. I don't know any other nice way to say it. It frequently feels more like "neener neener boo boo" than anything else.

Talk to your friend from your heart - face to face would be best, but not always possible. Regardless of the how, just make it totally from your heart. She may still be hurt, but so much less than all those lame sayings people throw around that sound so fake.

I think the longer you wait the more hurt she will be. Tell her soon. She will be happy for you, even if she feels jealous.

I got pregnant with my third right after my older sister who has no children yet had a miscarriage. After I told her, she said, "I love and your kids, but right now I feel angry and cheated. I don't think I can talk to you for a little while. Give me time, it will pass." Ouch. I understand this isn't the norm, but in case that is your friend's response, understand that she just needs time. My sister got over it in after a few weeks and then it was like nothing ever happened. A year later, she is pregnant again and I am going to be her doula! Speaking of which, if you have ever considered using a doula, I work in the Boulder area ;)

Call your friend on the phone and tell her. I am walking in your friends shoes and it is more hurtful not being told than being told. A friend will understand and be very happy for you. Congrats on your pregnancy and I'll pray for your friend.

That is definitely a tough one. I would recommend you CALL her! Don't do it over email. Let her know that you are sensitive to her feelings and that it must be really hard trying to conceive all these years and that you are there for and that it must be extremely difficult hearing that you are pregnant. If you acknowledge her feelings first and give her permission to talk to you, she will be happy for you. Keep the communication open :)

I have a friend who is unable to have children and she posted something on her blog about this. She suggests sending an email, telling her husband and letting him tell her. She will be happy for you, but she will have to digest the information in her own way, on her own time. Don't call her about it. Do it so she can process it on her own. Good luck and congratulations!

R.,

There is no sure fire easy way to break it to her. I'm "that friend". I'd definitely do it over the phone, or in person. The internet is SO VERY impersonal and can be misinterpreted. Be gentle, and hold back your excitement just a bit. She will be excited for you, if she isn't right off the bat, don't stress about it.

I've been waiting for a baby for 6 years. I've had LOTS of friends have babies in the mean time. I finally find myself pregnant though, which is good for me!

Things probably you SHOULDN'T say: Complaining. Any complaining is not taken well (or wasn't by me!). If you have negative things to say about what SHE has wanted most for a long time, CALL SOMEONE ELSE!!
ASK HER TO PLAN A BABY SHOWER FOR YOU: Totally inappropriate. Can you imagine the pain that can cause?! Probably not, so don't do it. ;)

DO'S: Keep in contact with her, Talk about the other things in her life and yours and strengthen your relationship with her. Now is not the time to desert her or her feelings. And you may need a close friend to count on. The non-mommy is often more dependable at the drop of a hat rather than the one who's got 3 kids already and would LOVE to help you, but has to juggle her life as well as fit you in. (that comes from experience too!)

Good luck with your pregnancy and your friends' feelings. I think you should have told her by now, honestly. I called my barren sisters FIRST. Before even our own mother.

V.
married 9 yrs, mom of 7 year old girl and baby #2 FINALLY on the way, due ANYTIME NOW!!!

I was in your friends position years ago. I would tell her by phone. It will hurt her, but if she is a dear friend she will understand.

You are not responsible for how she reacts. That is her choice. I know that you want to be sensitive to her since it might be a sore subject but again, her reaction isn't something you should try to manipulate. I would just say something like " I just want to let you know I'm pregnant and I didn't quite know to bring it up. We are really happy about it and I knew that you would want to know." Then just see what she says. Good luck!