How to Support a Friend

Hi. I am so glad you asked this question because so many well-meaning people only cause more pain when they don't know what to say. It shows what a good friend you are that you want to say the right things and help.

I suffered through infertility too, lost two pregnancies(included a tubal pregnancy that nearly cost me my life), and counseled several friends that I met through my fertility process in their losses. Here's what I can say from my own experience:

1) Just say "I'm sorry." and "I'm here for you, whatever you need" a lot. Just knowing you are there and that you care will mean a ton. So many people, even close relatives, write off the loss of a pregnancy as no big deal. But it is a huge deal to the mother who lost that pregnancy. So it will help to know you care.

2) Avoid cliches like "It was meant to be" "It's better this way because the baby probably had problems." "You'll get pregnant again soon" etc. All these things are MEANT to help, I know, but they just make the mother's feelings invalidated.

3) Ask her her feelings and give her a chance to talk about it. It seems after a loss that no one really wants to hear you feel sad, especially your husband. So she might really need a listening, non-judging ear. Just listen and say you're sorry and it must be hard for her.

Good luck. You're a great friend!

1 mom found this helpful

the best thing a friend did for me when I lost my last baby was she just gave me a little bag of lotion and bath salts and a card that said simply I love you and I am here for you. these are for you to pamper yourself with. no mention of the miscarriage, we both already knew that had happened, just something from her heart and way for me to focus on taking care of myself through the process. In conversation before she had told me that if I ever wanted to talk about it she was there but she would take her cues from me. I really really appreciated that.

I had a miscarriage and the last thing I wanted to hear was that it was for the best. I know that that was probably true but it made my heart ache even more. I knew that I was pregnant with a Child and that he/she would not join me in this world. I was devestated and heartbroken. One coworker told me something that I will never forget... She told me that the ache I would feel when my future children hurt would outweigh the hurt I had now. She was right. I now have 3 beautiful little girls and love them all to death. I still wonder (all the time) about the soul that was lost to me and who that child would have become. But I also know that that child is in heaven with God and watching over my family and my children for ever! Just be there for your friend and let her decide when to share whatever she feels that she can. Dont be hurt if she never shares, it is too painful right now. just let her know that she is loved and needed. She will pull through and begin to be happy again

I have had two at 12 weeks. It is hard. the best thing other then letting her know you are there with a nice meal is to not do anything. Call her and ask her to go out in the evening in about a week or so. And let her know you are ready to listen when she needs it..or just a hug. and then just do that, listen. Say things like: "I know..." "I hear you are very frustrated..." Etc. but don't say...I understand, it will pass, there is a reason for this, it will work out..because it doesn't feel like it right now...and then, when it is the right time, change the subject to something totally different (not your kids) and funny. Just get laughter back in there. I also read the Red Tent as my husband bought it for me during my week of "morning" after my first one. I think it helped me put things in perspective. there is alsoa book that is a collection of stories about miscariage ...something like...Tiny hearts??? But that would depend on your friend if you think she could handle that and would get anything out of it.

pray for her and ask God.

I agree with the other responses but just wanted to add that if you offer to doing something for her really fallow through. You know how most people are. If you just say, "call me if you want me to take your daughter for a few hours so you can relax." She will probably never call you because she doesn't want to bother you. So if you offer to watch her daughter then call her later in the week and say, "I have thursday open can I come pick up your daughter?" That way she might let you do it and she can get the time to herself that she needs. But mostly you sound like a good caring friend so just be there to listen to her if she needs it. She will get through this....it will just take time.

You have had really good responses.....I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks, just listen to her.....you dont need to say anything, just listen....she wont call for you to take her daughter, so just pick a day, and say I would like to take your daughter. Girls nights helped me. I also wanted time alone with my hubby without my other kids. I also wanted pampering, hair, nails, etc.

I wish you all the best. You are a very sweet friend for helping her thru this all.

Miscarriages, unfortunately, are often not dealt with by friends and family. I had 2, so know from my own experience that people figure it was just one of those things that can't be helped. I was even given the feeling that unless it was a full term child, that it really didn't count anyway. So, your TLC of your friend is really the best and only thing that you can do. Believe me, the one friend who truly treats a miscarriage as the loss that it is, brings great solace. So, just keep up your emotional support of your friend.

For me it just helped when people would call and just listen to me. I also appreciated small gifts that reminded me people were there for me (a candle, snack foods for our toddler, a figurine in honor of our lost baby (not really my taste, but the thought was very special), just small stuff)We had just moved out of the country and didn't know anyone well yet, so getting mail felt nice. My heart hurts for your friend. I am sure just you being there and thoughtful will mean a lot to her.

She must be feeling very depressed. It is so sad when you loose a baby. But the fact that you are with her is all that matters right now. Sometimes actions are better than a bunch of words. There are groups of moms with this problem. She can talk to them too.

Be there for here to listen, but be careful no to say you know how she feel. I have found giving love and listening is the best way to go.

My sister just had her 7th in a row nd they all happened around 15 weeks. It is devastating. I think the best thingyoucan do is just let her know that you love he and are there for her for whatever she needs. I guess it is different for every one, but the hurt and feeling of loss are there. The worst thing to say is "I know just how you feel" even though you have had a similar circumstance.
Just be there for her! Sounds to me like you are already on the right track!

For a while just listen. Don't tell her what she 'should' do or even what you did. She is going to need time to work through all the processes of her grief and what she will need is a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Later she may want advice but it's too soon for that right now.

My main advise is to not minimize it in any way or try to make it normal. I had a miscarrige not after IVF but after infertility treatments and everyone tried to tell me that it was normal and how so and so had one and now everything is fine. I would talk to her about how you felt when you went through the attempt that didn't work out and you can understand that it is hard and would like to do anything to help her. Even if it is taking her kid or just giving her a shoulder to cry on and a hug and letting her know how good a person she is. Too often we try to fix problems for people when all they need is a good shoulder and a listening ear that doesn't get frustrated with us because we hurt and they feel it is too much hurt.

I think the best thing you could do is to be there for her. let her know that you love her and just listen. Be a shoulder for her to cry on. This is a hard thing to go through and it is nice to know you have a friend. That is one thing I wish i had when i miscarried was someone i could talk about my feelings to. Drop by and pick up her daughter for an afternoon or whenever you can. You could also send flowers or a note letting her know you are thinking of her. Maybe go out, just the two of you, for some pampering, like a pedicure or something or to talk. Just be her friend. I hope all goes well for you and for her.

Treat this like any other grieving process. Listen to her and give her a shoulder to cry on if she needs it. She may never ask for help since grief can be so personal, but if you were to call or stop by and offer help, sort of like, "Hey, I was thinking of you and I can take your daughter for a few hours" or even "I was thinking about you, how are you doing?" That will show her that she is cared about and that you are there for her.

If she asks for space, try not to be offended since people deal with loss so differently. Asking her is a good idea since she can then tell you what she needs.

Hi A.,
You have received some good advice. I have one more point. For me, when I have been in bad places in my life, someone calling and saying "What can I do? I want to help" was really a burden. I very much appreciated those who just stepped up and showed up with food or called just to talk about everyday stuff, or called and asked specifically if they could talk my children to the park on a certain day at a certain time. If they left it up to me to think of something for them to do for me then I just never called because it just didn't feel right that way.
You are a good friend. TAke care,
B.

Dear A. - as someone who has also experienced a loss the best things people said were, "I'm so sorry you lost your baby" All that stuff about it's for the best, don't worry you can try again, at least it was early, etc. was not helpful at all. Just a sincere simple I am so sorry. There is a wonderful poem by John O'Donohue called Bennacht (blessings) that seemed to say everything that was helpful to hear.

Just being there for her if she wants/needs you is the best thing you can do, so you're already doing it! The meal is very thoughtful and offering to watch her daughter for her is also very considerate. Miscarraiges are hard to go through but it's different for everyone, so remember to be sensative to her specific situation. I had a miscarraige last July, 3 days after my older brother and his wife lost their 2 week old newborn. It helped me to know they were in heaven together and I would see them both again someday, but the pain is so real. I understand now that God knew what he was doing and everything has worked out for the best (but that didnt help then). I am now in my last 7 weeks of a new pregnancy and my older brother and his wife just recently got pregnant again! Life goes on and hope springs new. Our hearts will heal. Thank you for being such a great friend!

A.,

Thank you for your thoughtfulness and concern.
Whatever the both of you decide it will be perfect.
It is so wonderful that you are taking the time to acknowledge the grief and pain.

Unfortunly, your friend may run across some people
that feel that this is no big deal and sometimes
it is a challenge to acknowledge the lose.
Sending love and light your way.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)
Loving Connections LLC

What is Loving Connection?
Caring enough to share your whole heart.

I lost a baby in October, I totally agree with Becki M. Just do things rather than waiting for her to ask for help. Visitors not always a good idea at first, but helping out with day to day things helped me b/c I really did not want to be around people, especially in the middle of Walmart! I agree with other moms about not saying it happens for a reason, or you could try again or I know how you feel, or even God has a plan, etc. Those words hurt more than not calling. Cards are great and after a while may be lunch out............

Whatever you do, DO NOT say you understand, know what she's feeling, or that it was for the best. As one who has suffered miscarriage twice, that will only make her feel worse and angry at you.
Best thing is to just tell her you're there if she wants you. Give her a little space, let her grieve, and sort of leave her be. What you've suggested is good.

I just read a book about this that was very helpful for me. It was called "Empty Arms". The author also had a late miscarriage as her first. I don't remember the author's name. The book was great. I now have leant it to a friend to read.

You have gotten a lot of good advice . I just wanted to add that sometimes a little gift that recognizes her baby is really comforting. I have had five losses and I had a friend plant a rose bush in honor of one I lost in the second trimester. I was really touched by that. I also like the idea of a necklace or bracelet with the birthstone in it or something similar to that. Even if she doesn't wear it, it's nice to have something tangible that validates her baby.

I read somewhere that you shouldn't ask, "What can I do to help?" That question is too open ended. Be direct, and tell her what you will do for her. Of course, only do this knowing she would approve and be happy with your service.