A.B. asks from Littleton, CO on July 19, 2008
How to Support a Friend
Hi all, my question is a friend of mine went thru a miscarraige yesterday. She was 15 weeks along and had gone thru IVF. Before this her husband told her this was their last shot. They do have a little girl but, they really wanted a second. I have gone thru the fertility issues and had one IVF not work but, we now have two beautiful children and feel so grateful. I plan to ask her how I can support her and may take a meal to her within the next few days and have offered to take her daughter as needed. I was just wondering if anyone has other ideas
1 mom found this helpful
L.J. answers from Salt Lake City on July 22, 2008
You have gotten a lot of good advice . I just wanted to add that sometimes a little gift that recognizes her baby is really comforting. I have had five losses and I had a friend plant a rose bush in honor of one I lost in the second trimester. I was really touched by that. I also like the idea of a necklace or bracelet with the birthstone in it or something similar to that. Even if she doesn't wear it, it's nice to have something tangible that validates her baby.
A.O. answers from Denver on July 20, 2008
She must be feeling very depressed. It is so sad when you loose a baby. But the fact that you are with her is all that matters right now. Sometimes actions are better than a bunch of words. There are groups of moms with this problem. She can talk to them too.
J.N. answers from Salt Lake City on July 20, 2008
For a while just listen. Don't tell her what she 'should' do or even what you did. She is going to need time to work through all the processes of her grief and what she will need is a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Later she may want advice but it's too soon for that right now.
A.T. answers from Provo on July 20, 2008
Hi. I am so glad you asked this question because so many well-meaning people only cause more pain when they don't know what to say. It shows what a good friend you are that you want to say the right things and help.
I suffered through infertility too, lost two pregnancies(included a tubal pregnancy that nearly cost me my life), and counseled several friends that I met through my fertility process in their losses. Here's what I can say from my own experience:
1) Just say "I'm sorry." and "I'm here for you, whatever you need" a lot. Just knowing you are there and that you care will mean a ton. So many people, even close relatives, write off the loss of a pregnancy as no big deal. But it is a huge deal to the mother who lost that pregnancy. So it will help to know you care.
2) Avoid cliches like "It was meant to be" "It's better this way because the baby probably had problems." "You'll get pregnant again soon" etc. All these things are MEANT to help, I know, but they just make the mother's feelings invalidated.
3) Ask her her feelings and give her a chance to talk about it. It seems after a loss that no one really wants to hear you feel sad, especially your husband. So she might really need a listening, non-judging ear. Just listen and say you're sorry and it must be hard for her.
Good luck. You're a great friend!
1 mom found this helpful
C.C. answers from Salt Lake City on July 20, 2008
the best thing a friend did for me when I lost my last baby was she just gave me a little bag of lotion and bath salts and a card that said simply I love you and I am here for you. these are for you to pamper yourself with. no mention of the miscarriage, we both already knew that had happened, just something from her heart and way for me to focus on taking care of myself through the process. In conversation before she had told me that if I ever wanted to talk about it she was there but she would take her cues from me. I really really appreciated that.
A.H. answers from Denver on July 20, 2008
I had a miscarriage and the last thing I wanted to hear was that it was for the best. I know that that was probably true but it made my heart ache even more. I knew that I was pregnant with a Child and that he/she would not join me in this world. I was devestated and heartbroken. One coworker told me something that I will never forget... She told me that the ache I would feel when my future children hurt would outweigh the hurt I had now. She was right. I now have 3 beautiful little girls and love them all to death. I still wonder (all the time) about the soul that was lost to me and who that child would have become. But I also know that that child is in heaven with God and watching over my family and my children for ever! Just be there for your friend and let her decide when to share whatever she feels that she can. Dont be hurt if she never shares, it is too painful right now. just let her know that she is loved and needed. She will pull through and begin to be happy again
S.B. answers from Denver on July 20, 2008
I have had two at 12 weeks. It is hard. the best thing other then letting her know you are there with a nice meal is to not do anything. Call her and ask her to go out in the evening in about a week or so. And let her know you are ready to listen when she needs it..or just a hug. and then just do that, listen. Say things like: "I know..." "I hear you are very frustrated..." Etc. but don't say...I understand, it will pass, there is a reason for this, it will work out..because it doesn't feel like it right now...and then, when it is the right time, change the subject to something totally different (not your kids) and funny. Just get laughter back in there. I also read the Red Tent as my husband bought it for me during my week of "morning" after my first one. I think it helped me put things in perspective. there is alsoa book that is a collection of stories about miscariage ...something like...Tiny hearts??? But that would depend on your friend if you think she could handle that and would get anything out of it.
K.J. answers from Salt Lake City on July 21, 2008
pray for her and ask God.
A.G. answers from Pocatello on July 19, 2008
I agree with the other responses but just wanted to add that if you offer to doing something for her really fallow through. You know how most people are. If you just say, "call me if you want me to take your daughter for a few hours so you can relax." She will probably never call you because she doesn't want to bother you. So if you offer to watch her daughter then call her later in the week and say, "I have thursday open can I come pick up your daughter?" That way she might let you do it and she can get the time to herself that she needs. But mostly you sound like a good caring friend so just be there to listen to her if she needs it. She will get through this....it will just take time.
D.M. answers from Denver on July 20, 2008
You have had really good responses.....I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks, just listen to her.....you dont need to say anything, just listen....she wont call for you to take her daughter, so just pick a day, and say I would like to take your daughter. Girls nights helped me. I also wanted time alone with my hubby without my other kids. I also wanted pampering, hair, nails, etc.
I wish you all the best. You are a very sweet friend for helping her thru this all.
C.W. answers from Provo on July 20, 2008
Miscarriages, unfortunately, are often not dealt with by friends and family. I had 2, so know from my own experience that people figure it was just one of those things that can't be helped. I was even given the feeling that unless it was a full term child, that it really didn't count anyway. So, your TLC of your friend is really the best and only thing that you can do. Believe me, the one friend who truly treats a miscarriage as the loss that it is, brings great solace. So, just keep up your emotional support of your friend.