How to Stay Calm?

For most of my life as a mom I was a screamer, yelling and insulting my children. I reacted to everything, kind of like a volcanoe. Through my youngest child's addiction to drugs and alcohol and after joining an Al-Anon group, I've learned to respond. Reacting is different from responding. Responding requires that you use your brain, reacting does not. I've learned to be the adult in the relationship. I've also learned that some things just are not my problem. I've learned to accept progress, not perfection. I really wish I had learned this stuff when my children were young, we could have had a much better life. Good luck.

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If you were calm and firm all the time I would recommend you go on Oprah and share your secrets with the world. I do not know of any parent unless they just don't have any rules that are always calm! :) My philosophy of late has been mean what you say and say what you mean, if you give them a consequence, then follow through, always. Consistency more then anything will be their guide to listening. Try not to let them get you to the point of yelling, you asked, they ignored now there is punishment. I hate having to ask a million times for something. I am right there with ya sister!

I am in your same shoes. I have a four year old that will test me to the core with how many times I have to tell him to do something. So now, I tell him something, stand right there and tell him so I know he sees my face and hears me, I have him repeat back to me what I asked and then stand there. It drives him nuts with me standing over him, so I just said "well, when you can do this all alone without me asking more then once I won't have to stand here to make sure it gets done". 85% of the time it works! :) Now that other 15%, I lose it on occassion. I will ask nicely the first time, use my manners and respectfully ask, then the second time not so nice, the third time I have raised my voice.

I will apologize for my yelling, however not apologize for my frustration because that is legitimate, hee hee. I am careful what I apologize for as I don't want to lose their respect. Something that has worked here for me and them is that I am very matter of fact but when they ignore me I simply say "well that is 15 minutes off your bedtime", then the next "well that is another 15 minutes", I am calm there are consequences to their disregarding me and I don't have to yell, it is amazing how fast things get done or how the next day they listen. It isn't fool proof, we are human and entitled I think to blow up on occassion. Kids become desensitized to yelling and I think daily all the time is damaging to them. I try hard to keep calm, be a good example but I am not perfect. No mom is! :)

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Oh man...I had to smile reading your post - it's like you were reading my mind!! :) I think if you find the answer, you'll solve millions of mommy-problems world-wide! I'll be checking your responses to see what else I can do. I don't necessarily have any advice for you because I too suffer from losing my patience much too often than I like and snapping at my kids. However, I do try to take Mommy time-outs when I get angry - I leave the room, give myself a few minutes and take some deep breaths and then return and try to discipline...sometimes it works, sometimes I can't make myself do it and I still lose it. I think that just means we're all human! Bottom line, I figure as long as I'm doing what I do for my children out of love and do what I think is best, I hope that provides them what they need to be happy well adjusted adults...guess only time will tell on that one! :) Good for you for loving your babies and wanting to be better for them - I think that's the most important part! Good luck!

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Hi Ines,

Don't panic, I always joke that I understand at times why some species eat their young! Get a sense of humor about it. When my kids were really young, I had a friend who we would call each other when we were at the breaking point and make a joke about calling the "hotline."

I think it is OK to occasionally let your kids see you get angry. It is important that they then see you pull it together and apologize too. Those are skills that they need to learn. As much as we would like to never yell or scream, it happens. I also warn them in a humorous way - "Watch out - Mommy is going to blow a gasket!"

I also believe in giving yourself a time out. I remember taking the phone in a closet or bathroom a few times to get away from it all. I also was really open with my kids if I wasn't feeling well or there was something I was worried or upset about.

The methods you are using are great. Just know you need to change things up based on the age, situation and the type of kid you have. You can stick to your core beliefs. I had a no hitting stance and I would tell my kids " I don't hit you and you are not to hit me or each other."

Trust your instincts, but realize you are human. Even the "calm" Mom's you think are out there sometimes have their moments.

Take care,
S.

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I too faced where you are. I was a single mom of a 2,4,&6 year old and was in school full time and found myself completely out of control. I was also fortunate enough to have been introduced to Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon and 1-2-3 Magic. Like you, however, I was facing a deep well of anger that terrified me.

I was brought up in an environment of strict control, no permission for boundaries, and anger was not an emotion I was allowed to have. As a result, I had stuffed a ton of anger into my body and it was coming out sideways at my children. I had the knowledge you have about disciplining, not taking it personally, etc. and yet the anger was controlling me.

So, I got creative and chose to take back control. I bought some 9x12 sketch books and started what I call my Anger Journals. When I found myself screaming at my children I would stop, take a Mommy Time-out, and shut myself in my room. I poured all of my anger on to paper. I let go of sensoring what I wrote and just let it flow; even if it was horrible things I was saying. This journaling saved my life. It gave me a place to safely vent years upon years of anger and not dump it on my children any more.

Another key tool I used was to start becoming aware of boundaries and where I didn't have any and where mine were constantly being crossed (with the help of a very skilled counselor!). Anger is a signal that your boundaries have been invaded.

And last but definitely not least I learned self-care. Being a mom is the hardest job on the planet and if we don't somehow find a way to put ourselves first on the list we will never have what it takes to be that mom. It could be as simple as 10 minutes for your favorite cup of tea. It could be finding a way to get support and help from a professional. Or even a weekend away from time to time. Money often seems like a barrier, yet when I set the intention to heal my life it was amazing how inspired and creative I was (and still am) at times. In love and support of You, T.

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Hello I.!
I'm not perfect, I've lost my sh*t on more than one occasion.

I stay firm and calm by giving myself a timeout. Then going back and re-explaining, talking about how I feel, how she must feel, etc. It helps alot to talk to her about how I feel (surprising, 'cause she's 2.5 yr), then about why this/that happened---you know the drill.
My favorite de-escalation techniques; the grounded scream, angry pictures, deep breathing, clapping hands & stomping feet. (for her AND for me)

It's tough, most difficult job in the world. Usually I find that I'm more prone to lose IT when I'm hungry, lonely, tired, or angry about something else entirely. If I'm vigilant about those things I'm a better mommy.

Good mommin'!
A.

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I personally *do* walk around with a halo on my head and wings on my back. I am also shaped like Barbie, have a perfect husband who not only looks like Ken but brings in the big bucks from work too. HAHHAHAH! I wish! Well, at least the 'perfect husband' part is true :-)

How do we all stay calm and firm with the kids? We don't. None of us can or do, nor should we . We are human, as are our kids. Some days are better than others. Everyone has offered up some great advice on keeping perspective and realizing we're not perfect. Some days the kids listen better, some days they test. Some days we can handle it, some days we can't. Its part of the dynamic of understanding relationships.

Be gentle with yourself. GL!

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Hi, well the best thing i ever learned was that enless they are putting themselves in danger or really doing something bad, i just step away for a min. stop, and take a few breaths. i mean breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. i do this about three times. also remember they are only young once, sometimes the best thing is to close that bedroom door, and ignor some of the things that really make you angry.

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Just an idea -- it might not help -- but the turning point for my anger with the kids was when I realized that I was acting EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER. She was a horrible woman. Well, I wouldn't want to be anything like her, and it gave me the motivation I needed to truly become "calm and firm".

I wish you luck.

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I would read the book THE ANATOMY OF PEACE by the Arbinger Institute. After reading it myself, I found that I am much more patient with others, and generally more loving. I know it helps me greatly!

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First of all no one stays calm all the time. I have one who is so willfull absolutely nothing was working for him. My Mom is a school psychologist and suggested holding his hands and making him look at me because half the time his brain is literally somewhere else. So now I ask a couple times and if I am being ignored I stop him and make him look in my eyes and listen to me. Then I ask him to repeat what i say and if he gets worked up we do some in and out breathing. I know how hokey this sounds but i swear it works for my little man.

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Great, you are aware. so continue to be aware. by simply stopping and saying: I am angry right now (what is happening in my body and how do I feel?) Then, later, talk with your kids. Let them know that this is not the best way to deal with stuff and you are working on it. My sn was very angry at two years and we came up with "the red dragon." so when he was being angry, someone would say: there is a REd Dragon. they started to say that to me too.

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Ines, the saving thing is
HUMOR and
JOY:

try to find joy in EVERY moment, when there seems to be none.
And, make the smile instead of feeling sad,
even when there are tasks to accomplish that they don't necessarily like.

We have had several pages of advice going on this topic,
let me find some:
here is the link with my comment included where I give MORE LINKS:
something should work for you!!! Good luck, and happydays!

please, start here:
http://www.mamasource.com/request/11710403218210029569

morninGooDaYesSmiles to you all there!!!

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I know how you feel! My boys are 4, 2 1/2, and 8 months. Some days I feel like an invisible maid, cook, and nurse. You figure, everything I do is for my kids and they can't even mind me. Ha ha! I've not hesitated to tell my kids that mommy needs a time out. If I can feel I'm going to lose my temper, I tell them we'll continue whatever we were trying to do in 5 minutes because Mommy needs to take a time out. I'll go in the kitchen, get a drink of water, watch TV for 5 minutes, or whatever and then get back to the kids calmly. They know they've pushed me when I need a time out and my stepping away usually makes them think for a minute what they did that made mommy have to take a time out.

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Believe me, I feel your pain. I really do. I struggled with my strong willed children and it nearly put me over the edge.

First, know that you are not alone. Don't beat yourself up about losing it from time to time. NO ONE is perfect.

Second, arm yourself with some tactics - my favorite books:

_The Mask of Motherhood:How Becoming a Mother Changes our live and Why We Never Talk About It_ by Susan Maushart helped me resolve some of the issues I felt most guilty about.

_Raising Your Spirited Child_ by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka gave me insight into why my child does what he does.

_Setting Limits (How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Reasonable Boundaries)_ by Robert MacKenzie gave me clear guidelines on how to deal with him. He also addressed my current parenting style and why it has not been working for me.

If you want to read about my experiences, go to my blog pages at http://www.thehealthymom.com/category/healthy-kids/page/10/ and work your way up from the bottom of the page. I really, really struggled. You can see all the tactics I tried, the books I read, my successes and my failures.

We all survived. I'm going through some tantrum issues now with my youngest, but it doesn't put me over the edge as often as it did with my first son. I have a lot more ways to deal with it before I get to that point.

Hope this helps!

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I'm reading "How To Talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk". It has the same philosophy you have. It makes you really think about how you say something. It does cover these common discipline issues. For tougher problems, it talks about a problem-solving technique, which gets the kids involved in finding a solution themselves.

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I have three girls who were the same. VERY smart, strong willed and independent, in fact they knew how to work me some. I finally had to put myself in a time out. I would explain that I was so angry that I needed a time out. I would go to my room for fifteen minutes or so and then be able to calmly explain what I was trying to tell them.

It helped in two ways. I showed them the proper way to behave when you just couldn't deal with people or situations; remove yourself, and it showed them that I was serious and it made a difference to me. When I had to put myself into time out they knew that I really needed something from them and was not getting cooperation.
Now they know that it is ok to need time for yourself but there is also a time where things need to be done.

Remember too that none of us are perfect. We all want to be the perfect mom. I am sure that you are doing a great job with them, better than you think! Kids go through stages and our trials are to last them out. Don't forget to take time for yourself as well, even a half hour makes a LOT of difference.
Blessings to you and your family!

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Hi! I feel the same way you do, but then I blow up and yell at my kids, too!

My best advice is to take time outs for yourself if possible, and to turn everything into a game.

For example: Who can clean their room the fastest? Who can brush their teeth like a dog with rabies? Turn everything into a game where they have to run or be fast and that will lighten the mood a lot. I have a friend with five sons that sent her sons running around the house as fast as they could in races when they were driving her crazy. She did that every day, several times.

M.

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As much as this is NOT my stong point in parenting, I'll tell you what I do anyway. What I do when it's getting out of control and I'm tired of repeating myself is first turn off the TV (they can't hear me at all when it's on). Then I calmly explain that they must pick up their blocks and color books (or whatever specific item they were using; important to be specific and not too lengthy) before dinner (or some other deadline). If it is not picked up by the time set (or when the timer beeps), then it is mine to put away (I have a box in the basement for wayward toys) or throw in the trash (such as unfinished pictures). If they want the toy back, they must use three stickers on their chore chart to earn it. They can earn 5 stickers/day with the chore chart, so it really puts a dent in what they can get. It's not perfect, but it certainly helps.

Good luck.

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I didn't read all of your responses so I'm sorry if this is a repeat. Nobody can stay calm and firm all the time, so don't go for perfection. I did read a couple of responses that suggested that you go in another room and calm down and then deal with the problem. I'd like to tweak that advice a bit. Send the child who is disobedient into the bathroom (or another not fun place to be). If you disappear, then the child gets to continue playing. At three years old, by the time you return, the offense will long be forgotten. If, however, they have to go sit on the bathroom floor until you are calm and have thought about what the consequences of their actions will be, then they don't get to play. It is also uncomfortable to have to wait for a consequence. (This idea is also found in Love and Logic.) Because I have three children, I don't use corners or time out spots where the other two can see the child in trouble. This causes more problems for me personally because the kid in trouble may throw a fit or "show off" to the other two. I use this bathroom time when I am busy with other children or when I know I'm too angry to deal with things. When I know I am totally calm and have a plan, then I go into the bathroom where the child is waiting and talk (not in front of the other children). This has helped me tremendously to not react in anger. When a child is disobedient, I just say, "Go to the bathroom and wait for me." I had to learn to not give in. Once I said, "Go" I couldn't allow the child to start doing what they were supposed to be doing (clean up a mess, etc). I had to learn to follow through.

The other thing that really has helped our household run more smoothly is having a schedule. We always clean up their toys before lunch and before bathtime. The school age kids always have to do homework before they can play. My two year old and I have a weekly schedule (for example, Wednesday mornings are library, Thursdays are store, Fridays are playgroup etc) and we also have a daily schedule. We play, eat, clean up, go somewhere at just about the same time just about every day. I am not too strict on this; it just works out better for everyone. Kids love knowing what is coming next and exactly what is expected of them when.

Sometimes, when things get really frustrating, I have the child repeat back what I just told them to do. "Please go put these folded shirts in your drawer and then come tell me when you are done. What did I just tell you to do?" If he/she doesn't repeat back both steps, I tell them again and they can try to repeat it back again until they get it. We used this (including the come back and tell me when you are done) a lot when we started really worked on first time obedience. Now, when we tell our kids something to do, we have taught them to say, "Yes, mom or Yes, dad." Somebody suggested this to us and we thought it sounded so cheesy, but it works! Somehow, when they acknowledge that they have heard their instructions with a yes mom, they go and do it. We occasionally have to remind them to say "yes, mom or dad" but now it is such a normal part of receiving instuction, it seems like the most natural thing to do.

I hope this helps. Parenting is such a tough and important job. You are doing great! Keep loving on those kids and don't be afraid to correct their behavior. The patterns you establish now are the ones you will have their entire childhood, including those teen years!

Take care,
T.

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When you feel yourself loosing it, take a time out. You can even say "Mommy needs a time out" and then go in your room until your calm. They see that rules apply to everyone - if someone acts inappropriately they get time out. It also removes you from the situation until you can be calm.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone slips up, and it sounds like you're doing ok (you're not hitting or anything). The more you beat yourself up about it, the harder it is to stay calm. Kids are sometimes difficult and don't always respond angelically even to the best methods. Keep doing time-out as appropriate. And decide whats really important and what can slide.

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first, deep breathe.....and out. k, now we are mothers, not superwoman. we lose our tempers, we succumb to our emotions, and we have bad days with our kids. it happens. the key is to make sure you allow yourself time just for you. find an activity you really enjoy and commit to it at minimum once a week. i like playing pool. so once a week i go out and play in tournaments in town. hubby stays home with kids and i get the freedom of no responsibilities for one night. he does the same, one night a week he goes to hang with his brother. now, with your kids, relax. like you, they have good and bad days. what's important is to reinforce everything positive. stick to simple punishments that they understand. and give them a choice. example....do you want to clean your room before lunch or after lunch? it's a choice, not one they like, but it gives them the independence to choose and your still saying hey, this is going to get done. worked like a charm with my four year old. she still gets mad at me somedays because of whatever choice she has and i say no, you are going to do......this way or that? which one do you want to do. she has a mini fit and then gets the chore done. my two year old even helps out. pick up the toys, pick up the trash, little things. i also have a mini spa in my house when i'm totally about to lose it but it's not my night out. i have a cd player playing nature and water sounds, which is really soothing to me, and a foot spa, that you should be able to purchase at walmart ot target for like 20 bucks. 20 minutes of my mini spa and i'm ready to be mom again. you might also let our kids know how you feel. i tell my daughter, your making me mad, sad, angry, etc and i don't want to feel like that, cause you don't like it either. and keep up with the positive stuff. i really like it when your a good boy, girl, it makes me so happy. and small rewards, let's go to the park ice skating etc. good luck!

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there is no easy way yo stay calm after the millionth time tyou had to repeat yourself. i too am a mom with behavior rage!! lately with my two boys7&4 i have to tell them and the 2nd time i have yto tell them is add if you don't listen you will go to time out. well that don't always work!!?? then i calmly get up as if i were to go by them and get their attention by getting a firm grip to their arm as i guide them to time out. no problem there. and they watch me go set the timer . and if they speak or move i add more time.

parenting is a constant guessing game and the kids will play tyou like a puppet. but that is where you draw the line. you are the parent and you are the leader. don't give up and reuse old methods that you have tried in the past.
taking away privledges.(tv,videogames, snackes,juice,)
for instance,when my kids ask for something i usually reply is your stuff put away?? or did you do what i asked. if their answer is no then so is mine. that will usually speed things up. aniother thing that i like to do is say yes to mostly everything. yes you can go to youe friend b-day party as long as you don'yt get in trouble before that.....
yes, you can go to the game w/ your friends as long as you help me get all my thingss that need to be done.
you know that sort of thing.
do your kids have a chore list. i is really inmportant that they learn to help out . and if they want to get paid they have to work....
as in get paid i mean all the little extras that you do for them that isn't requied like, movies,sleepovers,
shopping,
good luck and god bless

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Ok- so your kids may be a little old for this but I am a speech pathologist and I am here to tell all of the mommies that behavior problems can be cut in half for babies and toddlers if you teach them sign language. I can not tell you how many familes call me after just a few visits - with sign instruction- that call me and cry- thank you- Kiddos can get so frustrated with not being understood. check out labelandlearn.com for easy , family friendly instructions. Good luck

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my dad put me on to this last year when for the first time I found myself so angry I really wanted to scream at a kid--I told her we would talk about it tomorrow. Now she was 17 so waiting until tomorrow was good. even though I calmed down before then it ensured I didn't do anything out of anger.
with my 2 year old, I tell her Mommy is really upset right now and needs a time out. I take a few to calm down and then talk about it with her. Sometimes I put her and I in time outs seperately and then we talk when I am calm.
I find it is easier and easier to say I need a time out when an issue comes up, even when I am not losing it but it makes it habit for when I feel I could. I'm not perfect, I still raise my voice sometimes and kick myself in the verbal pants for it but I'm getting better all the time.