How to Overcome Fear

In addition to prayer, please be sure you get yourself a good lawyer who will help you protect yourself and your kids. You should not have to get a job just because he doesn't want to pay child support. You may have to get one anyway to supplement the child support, but maybe it can be something part time and/or from home. Don't let the fear keep you from doing what you need to do to protect yourself from your husband, who sounds dangerous at this point.

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Hi N.,
I desperately hope you have a good lawyer and know your rights and are not allowing your husband to dictate how things will be. This is not up to him but to the law that has protections for you and the kids also. I have a friend that waited too long because she emotionally wouldn't allow herself to act, her husband took all their savings and spent it, if she had acted she could have frozen their accounts until the courts decided how things would be dispersed, instead she froze for a long time and ended up with his debt instead. Be strong, have a lawyer and know your rights and don't let him destroy your finances by not being you and your childrens advocate. Men cannot take your children, it is a threat to make you do what he wants. Joint custody varies depending on the state, find out what yours are, get his accounts frozen and be strong, don't allow him to continue to make you and the kids the victim.

Things may be difficult for a while but have confidence, a stay at home mom that homeschools can do anything! You are smart, talented and capable of anything you set your mind to. Your fear will be taken over by your confidence, your trust in God will allow you to trust others again.

Good luck, be strong,
S.

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This just happened to me, and my ex was pressuring me to get a job and I had a two month old baby. My fist advice is DO NOT get a job. If you have been a stay at home mom all of these years then he will not only have to pay child support but he will also have to pay spousal support. If you get a job you'll lose out on the spousal support. Also, get a good lawyer so he or she can get you those things. I ended up only needing to consult with the lawyer and my ex agreed to everything. You get to maintain your standard of living and he has to pay for you to be able to get back on your feet for up to the length of your marriage.
You can do it. It gets easier with time.

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N.,

I have no answers for you but I wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. You are a stronger woman than I am. You are getting out of bed in the morning, and that is more then what I would be able to do.

J.

Hi,
I wish I could have you talk to my cousin. She went through the same thing only her husband was a Muslim from Jordan. Anyway, don't go back to work until after your hearings. Get a really good lawyer or at least try to find one you can talk to. In her case because she was a stay at home mom he has to pay child support and spousal support because she didn't work during the marriage. He cannot force you to put your kids into public school if you Home School. My cousin home schooled her daughter and her x-husband tried to pull that one off and the Judge said absolutely not. It will be hard, but if you can manage that is what I would do. Good luck and I'll be praying for you.

If you haven't already, find a good divorce attorney. You need somebody who can make sure that you get full custody of your kids and sufficient alimony and child support. You deserve to feel safe from him

It sounds like your husband is hurting. The fact that he told you all the reasons he hates you reflects much more on him than on you. I know it sounds odd, but one of the best ways to fear less and be able to trust a bit more is to forgive him. You mentioned that you believe in God; remember what the scriptures teach about forgiveness. Also, talk to your clergyman and see if there is counceling available through your church. It can help to have someone trained to help you talk through your hurt and fear.

I want to say first, Hang in there! Dont give up. Your soon to be ex is wrong here. He should not have torn you down like that. Next, get a good lawyer. I know the laws are different from state to state but dont roll over and give into his demands. Leave it up to the judge to decide who is the best costodial parent. Your ex cant decide that for you unless you let him. Dont get a job, continue to homeschool your kids. Most juristictions enforce the status quo of the relationship...ie if you were a stay at home mom before the break up, they will not force you to go back to work. That is your decision. As to finding a job, start small, with something you like. But above all, do what is best for your children.

N.,

I'm so so sorry to hear your situation and my heart goes out to you!!! First and foremost, get a good, tough lawyer and know your rights. Freeze your joint assets, and if he is threatening you, get a restraining order if need be. Do not get a job until you have consulted a lawyer and do not allow him to bully you into anything! You are strong and will be able to come through this. Remember, this is not only to protect you, but your children. God bless!!!

Hi N.

my own parents divorced when I was six, and I still don't quite understand how one party in a marriage can come to a conclusion one day that the life built together is not what they want. I can only imagine how hard it is, to cope with divorce and all this thrown in your lap at once. hang in there... you are stronger than you know! plus smart, you teach and care for your children, don't discount that. you mention your faith, it will serve you well during this time. don't forget to pray and breathe!

how old are your kids? is one old enough to watch the smaller one(s) for part of the day? Have you considered seeing a career counselor at a local junior college and possibly going back to school to retrain? there are many career options out there that would still give you flexibility and time with your kids. Also, when my sister went back to work, she did temp work for a while.. it was a good chance for her to brush up on her skills without making a big committment to an employer. good luck!

N.,

Make up your mind that you are better off without him.
It is truly sad that he thinks your believing in God is a problem. It is not.
The Courts will be on your side as far as him taking the kids away from you.
If you have been a SAHM there is nothing wrong with that and good for you. Also if you are home schooling your children that is another plus.
He has no leg to stand on.
But I would go to the Police Station and get a restraining order against him and his threats. He can not do that.
You are not a horrible person, you have schooled your children and made a home for the ungreatful jerk, so as far as I am concerned you are Aces Up.
I raised three boys while working 2 jobs most of the time and didn't have quality time with my kids.
So I admire you that you are smart to home school and be a stay at home Mom.
Good luck dear.
M.

I want to first say how sorry I am for you and how strong you are for sharing your story. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you and your kiddos. I would love to help you with the job thing, I am a distributor for Homemade Gourmet and I work from home when and how much I want... I also make money. I dont know that it would be enough to make a mortgage payment but it would help you feel more independent and give you an outlet. It would also allow you to set your own schedule and still be able to homeschool you kids, you work when you want and you make as much money as you want
Good luck and God Bless

Call me if you are interested
A. Hood
Senior Distributor-Homemade Gourmet
____@____.com
www.homemadegourmet.com/AllisonHood
###-###-####

Hi N.,
I don't know where you are located at, but if you are in Billings and don't have a church, may I recommend Faith Chapel. They have a class called DivorceCare... It is for just that that your requesting advice for. Look for that class whereever you are. I would suggest now would be the time to get closer to God. Prayer will sustain you and can work miracles.S.

You sound like a strong person already - full time mom, homeschooling and caregiver for your mom - lots of people can't do all that! You can use that strength to combat the fear and it is exactly that strength that will continue to take you on down the road of your life. If you want a job, or want the opportunity to have a a job try a temp agency. You don't have to commit to working to sign up and then whenever you want to work you just let them know you're available. Depending on the kind of work you want you might have to take some one-time computer tests for instance. I Googled temp agancies in Ft Collins and of those I found, I have worked for SOS, Manpower, Office Team and Kelly Services (I have temped a lot over the years) I had a good experience with all of them. Going in is not like a regular job interview and you don't need a resume - they already want you to work there and seek to find the right sort of job for you (after all, they make money once you go to work). If you decide to take this route (or any job route) I would be happy to help you (I have worked in HR & done resume writing). And remember: your ex is being a bully - think about what you tell your kids about handling bullies and try to apply it to yourself. YOU CAN DO IT. I know you kids think you can so you can think it too. Have the wonderful holidays you deserve,
J.

I agree with all of the ladies that say don't go back to work. Be the victim for awhile and get a good lawyer. You have rights, a right to continue your life in the manner you are accustom. Your kids have that same right. The law is on your side. Just because he decided to leave doesn't mean he's right and just because he said those horrible things doesn't mean they are true. Get a restraining order if he is threatening you and the children and then take him for everything he's got. One thing I learned the hard way is that the nice ex-wife finishes last.

N.,
Oh my heart breaks for you! What an awful thing for someone to go through. I'm so sorry I have no advice to give you. I just wanted you to know you are in my prayers.
V.

My church has a divorce care program, as well as a 12-step program. Both help you work on yourself and learn to deal with the issues of others. If you want more info, let me know and I can send it to you.

Overcome by still believing in and trusting in God. You believe He is the ruler of all things, correct? He can rule over this fear. Being a stay at home mom and caregiver for your disabled mom is the best and most rewarding job that you could ever have. True it doesn't "pay" but in the end, it is the most satisfying. I know about that personally. It is his loss, not yours. Give the horrible things that he said to you to God. As far as a job is concerned, ask God if that is what He wants for you to do. If you go get a job out of fear, you will regret that decision for the rest of your life. Give your life totally to God for real and your "relearning life all over again" will be awesome. I will be a journey and it won't be easy but yet so much easier for you if you have faith that you are an overcomer. You will come to thank the one who left you because you will be so much stronger leaning on your husband in God.

N.,

Bless your heart.I am so sorry.

Well, first of all, Hang on to your belief in God. But I am sure you know that. 2. Get a really, really good lawyer. Not that I support divorce, but you have to take care of you and your kids first. 3. Find a good counselor at your church. Or a Christian counselor. If you are in the Greeley area at all I know a man who is truly anointed. Has helped me with some serious depression. As for your "fear", honey, no one can cure normal. It is scary, I cant even imagine. But, you have to do what is right and being bullied is not right. You dont have to be vindictive or malicious, but stand up in your faith and take care of those kids!! And as far as I can discern, you do not have to relearn life all over again! You had it right from the start. I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and hug. So, find a good girlfriend and get one! Okay!!?

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I don't have much practical advice, but I did want to say that usually if someone gets 'mean' and critical when leaving a marriage, it's because they feel guilty and are trying to justify their actions. It really has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you! You sound like an amazing and strong woman! My prayers are with you.

N.,

You are stronger than you know. Your kids are stronger too. My kids went back to public school this year. They are OK. We talk a lot about everything that comes up, the influences that they aren't used to etc. As far as a job goes, you could do just about anything. Does your community have a YWCA? It helps women get back on their feet and will even sometimes help you learn a new skill. If you attend a church, sometimes there will be job resources there also. And who knows you may be able to find a great part time position...for now. As far as trusting and moving on, it's not easy. It can be done with little bitterness, pray, pray for your enemies. You can't change anyone around you, but you can control how you act and react. Pour yourself into your new life. Embrace it, it's your new grand adventure. I wish you all the best.

N., I'm soooo sorry. What a horrible thing to have to shoulder through. You ARE NOT ALONE. God is with you in every step you take. Do you have a church home? Some trusted friends that can help shoulder the physical and emotional burdens that you are now carrying?
I homeschool too, and have only "heard" (from books) that you actually CAN be a single parent and homeschool too. Actually, one of my very good friends homeschools her daughter and works from home. I'm not sure what she does, and she lives with her mother too (but on different levels of the house).

Most of all, I'll be praying for you (and for your husband and children). What a "worst fear" scenario. :( Hang in there!

Believe in yourself and trust God ;)