How to Move On

Hello D.,

My husband left me a lot worse off, and for a year I cried too. Then I woke up one morning looked in the mirror and said, I am a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out. I can get through this no matter how bad it looks.

Seems that when you can't see what the future looks like and when we have no control especially with our children, we lose ourselves.

Just keep yourself together the best you can, and remember it can only get better. You will one day meet a man that will make you thank your ex husband, and your daughter will eventually come home. Everything goes in phases and this is merely a transition into a new life, one that you will later be greatful for.

I have now been single and on my own financially for three years. I still fight with Dad in court and last year was laid off from my job. Funny thing is, I don't cry anymore. I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason. I got a much better paying job closer to home. As for the ex, he was suing me for custody and it is backfiring on him. I held him in contempt for childsupport and plan to get permission to move out of state if my job wants to transfer me. All of which I would not have even considered had he not taken me to court.

Dating, well thats a whole different story. Its hard to find someone when you stay so busy and its hard just to make new friends. So, I started a group on meetup.com called single moms support group and have met lots of new friends 225 to be exact. Recently I started a group of Moms and Dads. I don't really have much interest in dating but would love to share my children with a man or in this case several men. Without the fear of nut cases.

The point I am trying to make is don't let anything stop you from being happy. When I wanted my kids I realized they would come home. When I wanted more friends I found a way to get them. If I truly wanted a new man, I would have one. Only you can make the choice to move on and be happy or not and keep crying. Not to say its easy, but it is most definitely doable.

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Hi D., You really have gotten some great advice already. Get legal help now. Your husband is not the same man anymore and he cannot be trusted. I am a happy, flourishing, sucessful new woman now and it happened to me 5 years ago this past June.

I too was put in a similar situation in a flash without a clue that it was coming. We had 3 children, 3,4 & 6 when my husband just came home one morning and said "I don't love you anymore I leaving you". Just like that.

We had no home though, we were in the process of building a home and he left me and the children living in a 26 foot travel trailer in his brothers yard. I was 2800 miles away from Valdosta GA, (Valdosta had become my home over many years before). I had no money, no home, no family, no income and no way to even earn enough money to pay for child care for 3 children.

My saving grace was the PTO, I made 2 of the most wonderful friends I could ever wish for. It doesn't matter where your best friend comes from, church, the library, the gas station, play group, there is someone who will not judge you and support you.

I honestly owe all my success to God. I did not remain faithfull to him for over a year but he never abandoned me, I felt his hand working in my life. Once I hit bottom, I had no where left to go but up, I had to learn a valuable life lesson before I could get to where I am today.

Find a lawyer, trust God & pray/ find a friend, cry and get it over with then pick up with a new attitude and a new & better life.

God bless

M. F

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D.,

I'm sorry this has happened. I've never experienced anything like this so I can't relate but I just wanted to tell you that I feel for you. I've always told my husband that if anything ever happened to us, we'd have to agree to live close to each other for the sake of our children. Have you asked your daughter why she wants to live with her father? Without putting a guilt trip on her, which is something you don't want to do, talking to her about this may help you understand. Perhaps your husband has plans of leaving the area and your daughter thinks it would be adventurous. I think it's important to discuss your feelings with her without making her feel that she should stay with you out of obligation. Since your house has no mortgage and all you have to worry about is the bills, perhaps you know someone who needs a space to rent and you could rent out one of the empty bedrooms. Just a thought...

This has to be difficult, I'm sure but I wonder if you have Faith in God? During hard times is when most people reach out to God and if you do, He will comfort you and show you how to make peace. Our Lord is always with us...you just have to call on Him and He'll speak to your heart.

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Honey, the first thing I want to tell you is get a lawyer, a good one, and start protecting yourself and your little one. If he left, he has been planning this for a while and odds are there is someone else. If you haven't been working; you shouldn't have to start just cause he left, and you need to know your options NOW! It's Tuesday morning, all the law offices are open, and so are referral agencies. Start calling friends etc, You can grieve when you are financially protected. This may sound harsh but I know of too many situations where the woman got screwed because she wasn't expecting it, and then didn't protect herself. He already as the 15 year old; he may fight you for custody on the baby, or try to take everything fromyou. e left, so he is already separeted from yo mentally. Move girl! Cry later.

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I am very sorry to hear about the breakup of your family.Try to build the relationship your kids and be the best person you can be.As for the marraige have you tried counseling? If its really over you need to start looking for a good divorce lawyer. Your husband will have to pay alimony at least until you are on your feet, and child support. I wish the very best for you and your family.
Be Blessed
S.

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Right now you don't need to know how to move on. This just happened to you. You are still in a state of shock. More than anything right now you need to go into protection mode. Protect yourself with a GOOD lawyer. He's already been making plans. You are now playing catch up. My cousin went thru divorce and because she didn't want to "fight" with the ex she gave in to his every demand and is financially in terrible shape and can't move to get a better job but he's not giving her support. You need a lawyer who has you and your children's best interests in their sites.
Also, have you considered asking him if he'll go to counseling with you? Sometimes couples who get to the point where you are are able to find their way back via counseling. Even if he will go with you, you still need to find a lawyer. If you don't need the lawyer in the end, wonderful, but at least you know you have him/her there if need be. Also, if your husband won't go to counseling with you go by yourself. Best to you and your family.

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My heart just aches for you. This is probably not what you want to hear, but it will take time. Have you considered selling the house? The extra money from the sale of the house will help you get through until you are working. Of course, then you will need to have enough income to pay rent, unless you purchase a smaller house with cash from your sale. Not only could this help you out financially, but would put you in a place where you are not constantly reminded of the fact that your daughter and husband are not there. Try to be strong for your 3-year-old. Keep the doors open for your 15-year-old. She may soon realize that being with Dad isn't what is best for her.

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D.,

I see a huge opportunity for you to grow in your situation. Bless your heart and your children. You have everything now to gain and be strong. Your current state isn't favorable, and I am so sorry you were so caught off guard and hurt. Remember how fortunate you are to have given life to two children, You have a home. You have this website. You are so strong to write to us women. I part now with my advice. It is your time now to make continuous conscious efforts to replace you anger with joy. Every time you want to yell, instead sing. Every time you rather cry, go dance with your baby. When you feel like turning away, be kind instead. There is help for you. Be open to what else may come.

God Bless you and your family, S.

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Go slow, be gentle with yourself and KNOW that in no time you are guaranteed to recognize why this was for the best for all of you.
Your daughter's departure may feel like an amputation at first and it will sometimes feel like a big personal failure IF YOU LET your thoughts go that way. But the truth is that all teenage girls need to make a drastic break from their moms. It is the natural progression of things. Divorce gives them the opportunity to move in with the other parent and that has its own set of issues. Be grateful that her rebellion isn't the one Sara Palin's daughter has chosen. Be grateful she isn't doing drugs or a motorcycle gang. Let her know that you love her and miss her and that she is always welcome to return.
My now 16 yo moved in with her dad at 15. It was a very awkward decision since prior to that she hadn't spoken to him in 4 years. It has caused a huge rift between her and her sisters (one older, one younger) because they don't understand and they dislike dad. But she is growing more mature and independent by the day and when we are together there is none of the grumpiness and attitude I used to get. She appreciates me and is much more affectionate now.
I can tell you that when she first left, I was an absolute mess, but I did my best to hide it from the kids so we could all move on.
The most important thing we can ever do for our kids is love them through their garbage.
And don't take it personally and don't look at it like she's choosing daddy over you. She is doing what is necessary to grow up, which is take a huge step away from mommy. It's just awkward because her dad is giving her this option that wouldn't have existed before.
As for your finances- get a good lawyer. Your husband's alimony, child support and marital settlement of assets should cover the bills. Don't be naive!!!!!!!!
all the best to you!

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ALAMONY FOR THE STYLE YOU AREACCUSTOM TO, CHILD SUPPORT YOU PAY ON SON 2 YEARS HUSBAND GET TO PAY 15 YEARS, UNLESS COURT ORDERED BILLS IN HIS NAME ARE HIS. cREDIT CARDS IF BOTH NAMES ARE ON IT , THEY ARE SPLIT. a GOOD LAWYER COULD GET MORE, SEEK OUT HIDDEN MONY AND INVESTMENTS,

I am so sorry. I wish I could offer some good words of advice. As far as finances. My husband is also the sole breadwinner and I homeschool. If he filed for divorce, the military would force him to send me support payments. I could be wrong, but in a divorce settlement, you should be able to get enough support to help you out while you get on your feet because he was supporting you. He will also owe child support of course. And generally any money he earned while you are married, you are entitled to a portion of as it was joint income. And any bills that are in both of your names, should be split between you. He can't dump everything on you. As for your daughter, from watching my sister go through a divorce with her parents, all you can do is support her and love her. Set the best example you can and she will have to come to her own decisions about you and your husband.

While I completely understand how you feel, you MUST pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there. We don't have all the details, but in Fl, everything is 50/50, right? So consider selling the house to split the $ and get yourself something smaller and more economical. Its not like he disappeared from earth, you are tied together by the kids, so hopefully he will be a decent human being about helping you out. Also, don't know what your skills were from 6 yrs ago, but if it means taking a class or two to bring your skills up to todays standards, do it. Even taking a part time clerk job is something to help lift you out of this funk!! Do you have family that can help with watching the 3 yr old or your daughter that is 15?? Start off slowly, and it will not only help with your self esteem but lead to you to bigger and better things!! Half of not knowing is very scary but the other half is exciting!

Hi D.,
I'm really sorry about your pain. Hold on tight to that little one and be strong!
I just lost my Nephew, and a lost of a love one may be like going through a divorce. I experienced memory lose and anger.
It took a while for the "Fog" to lift, but it does hurt a little less every day.
It is a great thing that you are blessed with NO MORTGAGE PAYMENT!!
It is a great time to invest in yourself and find something that you truly love with no reservations.
God Bless You!

i understand trust me it will get better--as they say time heals all wounds. my firsr hubby left me pregnant with my youngest (who is now 17) and the oldest who at the time was 5 and a half (he is now 23). it was hard at first. and i did not have the luxury of a place that was paid off. i found a family friend that had a very very small place to live and i went to work cleaning houses. just try to do that on your on if you know anyone who does that or post some signs up or in the local newspaper hosuing cleanijng you get like $15.00 an hour now i hear and never less that $10.00 and do not go for anything less than 3 hours. some people even let you take the little one with you depending how well behaived he is.i took my youngest with me the oldest was in school by then.and then when your kid can go to headstart or pre_k do it and either keep cleaning houses or find something different. work in a school where you can have the same days off the kids do and can be home at night with your child when he or she gets home from school.
you can do it lady, and you will get through it. and remember God closes one door and opens another--hopefully a much better door.
if the oldest wants to go with him let them go it may work out and then again they want to come back home with you--just let them go and see--yes it is hard but let them see how it is then they may changes their mind.
Good luck lady and God bless.

You will survive I assure you but if you watched Oprah there was a lady that went through what you are going through and she wrote a book called "Eat,Pray Love" I would recommend you read this and hope it helps you as it has so many other ladies. May God Bless you and you will be in my prayers.

It's good he left you with a mortgage free home. But can't you get some monethly income from him? They don't pay much downhere. You will get through it, read inspirational stories and books. Be positive, or the depression will continue. I know it's hard. Every end is a beginning. Are you young? that always helps. Be grateful for this new chapter in your life, don't focus on the past, focus on all the problems you had with him and how now you are free to explore and find yourself. I can give you list of books that got me through tough times. IF he had a good job, get financial support from him, don't compromise that, because after the painful feelings are gone and you've moved on don't be left with a dead beat that doesn't hep you with the bills.

Find some inner strength to find work and get through this. Prayer helps tremendously. Don't forget to stand tall for your 3 year olds sake. My father left my mother and she hadn't worked in 11 years. It is possible to get through this (not easy, put possible). Do you have some family that you can lean on? Or a church? You are in my prayers.

Crying is O.K., you are hurting. But put a date to stop it, maybe a week from now. You need to get back on your feet pronto. That 3 year old needs you. You are stronger than you think. Believe in yourself.

Hi D.,

try to remember that when 1 door closes usually another opens up.

Most marriages go through ups and downs and i have been through some down times too. I won't get personal here but feel free to email me ____@____.com

Hi, D.. Well, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I understand that your entire life has changed in the blink of an eye. First of all, do not take anything your 15-year-old says personally, although she still needs you to take her seriously and to listen to her and love her through her anger and confusion. This may be the hardest thing you ever have to do. Second, I would get some kind of counseling for yourself so that you can deal with your own hurt, anger and confusion, so that you will be able to do what needs to be done for yourself, your kids and your home. Hopefully, your counselor may be able to guide you in the right direction as far as getting a new job is concerned. There are lots of resources for mothers returning to work, including resume writing help and job searching. Thank God you don't have a mortgage to deal with.

All the issues you are facing are much too complex to be dealth with by a stranger in an e-mail here on this forum -- please get some expert advice and gather your friends and relatives into a support system if you have not done this already.

Peace,
Syl

Hi D. H. I was married for 25 yrs. and my now ex. husband walked out. First of all, "Don't blame yourself." Just pray that God will help you. Second, If you were home schooling your 15 yr. old, you are far from stuped. With that kind if education, you can get a good job. You worked every day teaching your daughter. Third, Get mad. Show him that you don't need him in your life. With God's help you can make on your on. Last of all, "Do not criticize or say hurtful words to your daughter for going with her dad. Just love her and tell her that if she ever wants to live with you, she will be welcome with open arms. Here is a poem I wrote that you might like.

"ANGRY WORDS"

You get angry and speak in hast,
and hurt the ones you love.
Mean, vicious and cruel words,
that cannot be taken away.
So before you speak, stop and think,
of what you are about to say.
For one day words will be spoken to you,
that cannot be taken away.

M. FORD HUMPHREY
COPYRIGHT 2006, M. FORD HUMPHREY, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

It is going to be hard, but with God's help you can make it.
Good luck, M. H.

Although I have never been divorced, I hope my advice will help you. This is a new start for you. You are still a young woman with your whole life ahead of you. As a homemaker you have managed your household and home schooled your older child, so you have already proven your skills in organizing and caring for others and managing well. Now you must care for yourself and your little one. You can do this and claim your happiness not only as a mother but also as a young woman who has many happy years ahead of you.If you choose a job or a home business, know with confidence in yourself that you can make it.If you feel sad, cry, call a friend or family member or write out your feelings, but don't hold it all in. I pray for strength, guidance and happiness for you and your family.

D.,

I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but I know it must be deep. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but I do know that there are pains so deep that only Jesus can heal. I suggest that you find a church that has a healing ministry and pour your heart out to them and let them pray for you and walk with you through this. I am so sorry and will pray for you myself. Jesus loves you and has not forgotten you, and God does have a good plan for your life. Cry out to Jesus and allow Him to walk you through this.

Blessings to you and your children!!!
T.

Now is the time to INVEST IN YOU. Take some time to release your anger, then seek legal help for alimony and most importantly CHILD SUPPORT!

When you are ready to relax check out this site for some great relaxation products www.warmspiritcatalog.com

Dear D.

Life can send you some "present" that you`ll rather send back.
"Suddenly" you feel abandon and evrythings around give you pain, and it`s normal to feel that way at first,but then as the stong says:" the show must go on", the key to flow gracefully through this change is to always have in mind that there is a bigger picture to all this, seeking for the next chapter of your movie, and practicing exercices that gonna make you stronger and help you to heal.
Maybe it`s the time for you, to reevaluate your life , what`s your dreams and how to achieve them, what is life purpose
Take one step at the time, wait for the next turn and go
You are not alone, each and evryone has is on process, beyond what we see ( fulfillement and chaos) exist a perfection that time and unconditionnal love will help you to see

If, you want, you can always make contact with me. I am myself a mother of two and I practice Intuitive Counseling for over 15 years
my email is: ____@____.com and tel: ###-###-####

Wish you all the best
I.

OMG my friend I'm so sorry that you are going through this.My heart goes out to you what has me really confused is why you 15 year old wants to leave with him? I just want to tell you that you are not alone and that many people are going through alot of ruff times.Believe me if you guys have been having problems you are better of alone.Thank god you dont have a mortgage payment one less thing to worry about.Look at the positive sides instead of all the negative this will pass and like I said you are better off alone.About your daughter talk to her and see why she wants to leave you but be patient with her she is also very confused.I also have two girls 11 & 2 years old and if I ever was going though this I wouldnt want them to leave me kids should be with there mom.I hope that you feel better and feel free to contact me.MAY GOD BLESS YOU.

A very important part of your healing is to begin creating for yourself a new life. If you attend church, get more involved with Sunday School (adult classes), ministries, and of course with the toddler Sunday School. There are also plenty of moms' groups around the city. Also -- join a support group for divorced women.

There is no pain like that of being left by someone who said he would always love you.

If you continue to isolate yourself you will be useless to your little one, and you will not heal. It is important to force yourself to get out and be among others.

The other important thing is to have ONE support group that is specifically for divorced women -- a place where you can comfortably share what's going on, where you can talk and vent and cry and so forth. But remember, in all your other groups and associations you have to be focused on what the group is about!!

In other words, do not burden everyone around you with your sadness. Have one outlet (you really need to unload as part of your healing) but only one. The others that you begin to interact with are not prepared to help you, and you will actually alienate folks by continuing to dwell on your sadness with them. Plus, by continuing to focus on your sadness you will not be able to move past it.

At this point everything looks bleak and hopeless, but you have to know that life goes on (if you let it) and one day you will be able to look back and see how much you have grown and learned from this. Just allow yourself to pick up and move on with your life and your baby's life.

Sweety get mad.....stop crying and get mad....show him and the world that you can do it... Your 15 yr old will be back...
Women should never totally depend on their husbands for things. I have been in your shoes with one child and when I got mad I got alot done...an inner strength came. By the way my husband came back after a couple of months but by then it was on my terms. Big Hug to you....I promise it is not the end of the world. We all walk a path in life and yours is going up hill right now, just take slow and easy steps FORWARD.

I am very sorry to hear about your troubles. Is it really over? Perhaps you can talk about family counseling before he decides to run away from something that he will regret. I am for marriages staying together if at all possible - if he is depressed and is not seeing things through the right lense, maybe you could convince him to hold on if you believe in him. I wish you the very best....
C.

Sorry this is so late! There is a booklet "Good Grief". Don't remember the author. We grieve over ANY loss not just death. The booklet was a big help to me. I got it at a Christian book store. Don't forget to go to church!
God bless and much success and happiness in the future!
M.

Dear D.,

The advice given so far has been really good. From experience (divorced many years ago, and some 26 years working in the legal field, 18 of those in family law)you simply must get your priorities in order ASAP.

1. Lawyer up, FAST. Make sure you are getting quality representation and not just the cheapest consultation you can find. Your lawyer can make the difference between moving on in a positive way and living miserably for many years to come.

2. Put on a brave face for your children; especially the 3 year old. Realize that for most folks it takes up to 1 year (post divorce) before they can really begin "moving on" between now and then your views and opinions on many things will change. Seek expert legal advice on any decisions you need to make. If keeping a positive and strong "face" on for the kids is more than you can handle alone now, by all means get some counseling.

3. Avoid the advise of well intentioned friends/family who want to "say what you want to hear" and/or watch too many televsion "lawyer" shows. It's not easy to hear things like, "your husband's been planning this", "why would your daughter want to leave with him" etc.. but a good attorney will help you make the best decisions for your legal needs and a good counselor will help you cope with the rest.

Getting an order for temporary custody of your kids, temporary exclusive use of your home, temporary child support, alimony and attorney fees can all be accomplished fairly quickly with good legal representation. Waiting around, thinking about emotions too much, listening to any reassurances that made be offered by your spouse, will all be very risky for you at this point in time. You can protect yourself with good legal counsel if you move quickly.

I hope this information is helpful. I wish I had an attorney to refer you to, but I have not worked in South Florida and wouldn't want to recommend anyone that I didn't feel would be any less than top-notch. I would recommend gathering any financial documents (tax returns, pay stubs, retirement and bank account information, etc.) that you can. Hold on to these records as your attorney will need them.

One the legalities of your separation/impending divorce are settled, you can take time to assess your emotions and begin working on moving forward in a positive way. Now, however, is a time to act.

God Bless,

D.

I hate to hear that this is happening. I went through a divorce about 8 years ago. The biggest mistake that I made was not having a good lawyer. Since you have been playing a big role in educating your daughter; then he may have to keep up your standard of living for a while until you can get back on your feet again. He has to be responsible for the bills as in the past until the divorce is final. There is also a good course that I took when I was going through my divorce, and it is called Divorce Care. I know that several of the churches in Orlando offer this course. This course also has a course for children of divorce which I hear is very good to help them cope. I think that the website is www.divorcecare.com. I also saw a really good christian counselor, but that was up in Ga. I know that this is a very hard time for you and your family. My divorce was unexpected like yours. I will keep all of you in my prayers. Feel free to email me if you ever need to talk. I am a pretty good listener.

Diana,
Hi. I went through the same things some years ago. You have to give yourself time to grieve. The end of a marriage is similar to a death. You are going through a broad range of emotions right now. I would suggest that you not make any large decisions right now, your wounds are fresh and until some time passes you should not decide on your home right now. My pain is still with me 15 years later, it is lighter, but it is always there. I does get better, one day at a time, one minute at a time. Surround yourself with loved ones and a support system. For me, my friends and family were there in the beginning but then they took on the attitude of "get over it already" and they did not want to hear it anymore. This is very selfish, but what some people do, if that happens to you find new friends. Everyone grieves in their own way, remain strong for your children, take the high road and ground yourself in your faith.
God Bless You,
R.