How to Healthily Distance Yourself from Your Extended Family?

I think you should still go to some of the family gatherings and work on your own disapointment and anger towards them. I dont' see how they are toxic. Unruly kids need a nice aunt and some nice cousins to play with. If they are really naughty, say something right to the kid in front of the parents if you want, like almost what you would say to your own kid. Why do people have to discuss the nervous breakdown sister that is making stupid choices?
I think toxic families are families that are much worse than the examples you have given. I would cut off all ties from a family with a child molestor in it, for example. Or a family that gets so drunk at get togethers that they start throwing fists.
I think as long as you don't expect them to be cool people, and just roll your eyes in your head to the dumb things they say and do, and remember that everyone is annoying in their own way, you'll be fine. Let it go. You can't control other people. How are they personally hurting you?

This is only one day. Celebrate a special day with your own little family somewhere in there. People who have problems really actually need their families even if the kids are monsters and people are having problems which we do not want to hear about since it affects our concept of the perfect holiday. I understand how it is annoying when our lives are fine and then someone has all these problems caused clearly by their bad choices. but they did not make them thinking that it would turn out awful. Instead o biting your tongue perhaps you have some suggestions about how to get out of foreclosure or helping the little ones along. Life is a crapshoot. We do not want foreclosures, or bad kids, but hate to say this, never say never. Things I thought would never happen to me have and I have probably been the relative that caused people to be nervous. Last year I had cancer and some of my family members totally disappeared. The group was smaller and the people who I thought would be supportive weren't there. So I am glad you asked this question. Go if you can. And make another day your own personal holiday. Someone might need you.

I think I was expecting to see how they were verbally attacking you. You sound like you are judging and looking down your nose on them. Life is not fair, and some go through hard times. Let them be unruly and go through foreclosure. I'm not sure how that affects you directly. Your sister needs your support not for you to turn your back on her. I'm not saying give her money. But a shoulder would be nice.

On the other hand, you have that right to not want to be around it. If you don't want to be there in the midst of it, then just don't go.

As a person who has faced foreclosure myself, I would be really hurt to discover my family members wanting to avoid spending the holidays with me because they were annoyed at my choices. Look, your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate other people too much either. There but for the grace of God go any of us, right??

That being said, if you can't stand being around your sister, then don't go. Or go, but don't have expectations for the event. Try not to go into it thinking, "Well, she's probably going to be all stressed out, and her kids are probably going to act like brats" because you will set yourself up to have a stressful time and it won't be enjoyable for you. Just go into it thinking it will be good to spend time with your family. My husband doesn't have any living family, and I think he'd give a lot to have relatives to annoy him over the holidays. :-)

Maybe go a week or two early to visit your parents or whomever you do enjoy being around and stay away from the big dysfunctional get-togethers for a season or two until you crave the craziness again. Don't go if you can't make yourself go for the right reasons. We are all different and you never know when you might be the one having the hardships one day. It can happen to any of us at any time.

1. Offer or initiate things that will distract from the dysfunction. Encourage your out of control nieces/nephews in something constructive - games, etc

2. Choose which holidays you prefer to visit and alternate with your husband's side of the family. Your family can survive without you on one or two, but if you choose not to go to any, it can cause more conflicts

3. Invite them over to your house instead during the holidays, that way you are in control of what goes on and you will have your own space to "run and hide" when it gets overwhelming.

4. Go to the events and set aside a time to leave early. That way you showed up, but you don't have to stay all day.

5. Suggest having your holiday get togethers at another venue outside of a family members house.

Just make other plans and when the usual invite comes around, rsvp that you are doing something different this year. When I moved away from home, I was an 8 hr drive away and I just didn't want to stress over driving that kind of distance. My family is all over the place, so we just call each other on the phone for a bit during the holiday day and that's worked out fine for us.
I LOVE being in my own home for the holidays. I love watching the traffic reports on the TV and enjoy not being in the middle of all that mess. No reservations, no packing, no driving, no waiting for hours at the airport! Sometimes it's time to start some traditions of your own surrounding your kids and household.

just don't go. i had to do that with my family and just told them because we have funner things planned your kids are young enough that the fun is what count's. despite that my step kids don't like it, we're not going on family gatherings on his side because someone always gets offended about something and an argument always breaks loose, decided we want no part of that.

just think of fun things your family can do without all the drama...they'll never miss it

I do not have the same issues with family but it sounds like to me that it's time for you to cut the strings NOW. If it's toxic to your family and your wellbeing, do not go. Not sure if they are close by (which would make it harder to not show up) or far away (easier to just say you can't afford a ticket, can't miss work, etc). I'd tell them you are going to have Christmas/Thanksgiving, etc at your house from now on but if they'd like to all meet out to eat somewhere to celebrate the holidays to let you know. Less likely a chance of chaos when you are out in public!

Well, I am grateful to the iniator of this conversation forum.

I am trying to write a polite letter to two extended family members (cousin, and her mother, my aunt - they co-habitate), wishing them well, telling them that our family will be having a small, cozy christmas celebration, and inviting them to contact me and my siblings to set up a 'holiday dinner out' to celebrate the holidays (rather than having them come to my mother's house) . . .

. . .this particular cousin has caused a lot of strife in my mother's life and my mom has confessed to me that she only keeps including her out of a sense of familial obligation, and/or religious compassion . . .

For many years this particular cousin, though we love her, brings with her to any event a zillion agendas, bags of historical photos, handful of emotional speeches, and even now that there are two young children (my neice and nephew), she, with her high decibal voice, though it's my 70 yr. old mother's house, and she's often tired from cooking the night before, this cousin, from the get go, talks incessantly at high volume, shouting out commands at each family member (her excuse is it's 'caribbean style fun') "Girl, go over to your mommy and ask her this... hey, Bob, go run and grab the baby and bring him to me, Peter, go taste that food I brought, Auntie put it in the fridge - why she do that? . . . and no breath, just on and on . . .even over the children's voices, no one can get a word in . . .

. . .and my mom's own desires for that evening are completely overwhelmed!

I would like a second opinion on drafting a polite letter to her, soon, so our family's phones won't ring off the hook every early morning and evening all December as this cousin tries to wiggle her way into our family Christmas . . .

I thank you in advance for reading this . . .

It sounds like you don't need to do an evaluation--no one is required to attend dysfunctional family gatherings, and it sounds pretty unhealthy from what you are describing. Taking a step back and not pretending sounds very healthy and like a happier holiday for your family.

I agree with previous posters-- offer some sort of get-together opportunity at a public place, a few days out from the holiday in question, and keep it simple--meet for coffee or pizza and keep the time window to 2-3 hours. (That's about how long any eatery or coffeehouse is going to want a gaggle of folks about, anyway.) The benefit of this is that, if things break down, you can politely point to your kids being bored as a reason to leave, or have another activity scheduled that you 'have to' leave for. This gives you a polite 'out' of the situation.

You can simply tell others that your family wants to start a tradition of just being home together for the holidays, and then ask your kids what sort of activities might be fun for them. I still remember that we had a larger dinner Christmas Eve night, then opened presents Christmas morning. I always loved the leftover coldcuts we had at a buffet-style sandwich lunch. Maybe you could make sure one of the gifts is a family game that everyone could play in the afternoon. Some families get a new movie for everyone to enjoy and watch that with some spiced cider or other special treat. I add this because, if you are changing the routine, your kids might need something to replace hanging with the other kids. Giving them a new thing to look forward to (even if each kid gets to pick one special food or snack is fine) helps a lot and is right on their level, given their ages.

Here's to a more peaceful holiday season for you and your husband!

I have a good friend with a family situation like yours. She has been seeing a councelor for a good six months now and it has really helped her. She felt as though she HAD to participate with family and do thing for them rather than putting herself first. I would suggest you talk to someone, non biased, like a priest/pastor or a councelor/therapist.

You may want to consider limiting family time for one holiday, like Thanksgiving, to staying only 1-2 hours. Then either do the same or don't go at all (depending on your feelings) to the next holiday party. You can always make an excuse or if you feel like being truthful, let them know.

Just do it! Tell them you are beginning new family traditions that include being home on the holidays. Your kids should not be exposed to toxic family members - I learned that the hard way!

I am in a different situation because my family is out of state, and my in-laws are here, plus, we have the only grandkids here. We decided to say that for Christmas, our kids don't have to leave home. I mean, it is for them anyway. If the in-laws want to come, they are welcome. This has resulted in my SIL (the negative one) to either be out of town or only say 1-2 hours because she dislikes us so much. :) I try to go "home" for Thanksgiving and do bite my tongue, but again, it is once a year.

If you are local with the family, I would say that you are choosing to spend holidays at your house (you can invite, or not, the others over), and pick an off-holiday day to spend with the family you want to visit with.

If it is a once a year visit, I would either pick another day (can you tell your parents why?), or just suck it up and deal with that day. For local, I wouldn't subject myself to it, and just spend other days together. Unless of course it is for a wedding, etc.

Can you visit your husband's family instead? If this is a situation where each of your siblings is meeting at mom's for Christmas for instance, make it so that you have to be elsewhere like your hubby's family or come up with new traditions that you'd like to start like taking trips or having friends over your house for the holiday. That would lessen the time you have to spend with people that are intolerable. You could even do this every other year. My family had this issue for a long time. My SIL got tired of the hassle, so she visited my mother after the holidays. Her excuse always was the she couldn't get the holidays off because of work, so she had to take the following week thus avoiding seeing family that she wasn't particularly fond of. That really helped with unnecessary stress.

We decided to do the actual holiday at our house and abusers are not welcome any time.

The visitors can come the day before and we now eat at a restaurant. Make sure to have reservations as they are packed.

Our visitors have chosen to stay up to 4 hours max which is so much better than the night before until the day after, which was expected when we met at the Mother-in-law's house who wanted to hold us hostage to her drama.

Also, the grandchildren grew up and wanted to be with their husbands' families as they were loving. We planned our schedules with them directly so the main family went along in order to see them.