How to Handle This - Weedsport,NY

I'm with Momma L. on this one.

There has to be some balance. I've had ex's that used working as an excuse to be lazy once they get home. I even had one fall asleep on the couch when I was trying to vacuum and clean the living room. I used to get so frustrated because what I wanted to do was delayed. I eventually did it anyway until he got a clue.

I am divorced with 2 out of 4 children still at home (18 and 4yrs). I am lucky if the 18 year old lets the dog out when he gets home from school. My 4 year old started crying last night because I told her no when she asked to help me with the dishes...go figure. I thanked her for offering but I wanted to do it by myself last night. I have no problem getting her to put her toys away and transition to the next activity. Structured/timed activities really work great at this age.

Making a chore chart is a wonderful idea or the entire family. It takes all the responsibility off of you and teaches it to others in the home.

One person recommended withholding sex as a means to get her way...I don't recommend it. Sex should NEVER be used as a bargaining tool. He'll go find it elsewhere.

Make sure you praise everyone in the household for even the littlest compliance. Smile and say thank you for _____. Also, tell them what a great job they did doing______.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K.,
Haven't seen your other answers yet...I'm sure there's some great advice here for you. But for my two cents' worth, I'd just like to reassure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may be the "winter blues" are setting in, or something deeper, but you'll get through this. I was a SAH mom to three kids (under 4) with NO HELP whatsoever. My husband (this was over 40 years ago) was "old school". He was the breadwinner, I was the homemaker. Period. ;) It's all about attitude. You
CHOSE this lifestyle for yourself. It is your job to start your kids off right. You can be happy and go about your day with a joyful, thankful attitude for all your blessings (including the messy kids! :) or you can be depressed and all "woe is me". It's a constant choice. How do you want your kids to remember you? As a happy, playful, focussed mom or as a distant, unhappy, depressed one? Because they may not remember consciously, but subconsciously how you behave imprints on them and, in part, builds the foundation of how they live their lives, too. Making good choices all along the way improves their chances of happiness in their lives, too. Count your blessings and then be thankful for them! It makes a big difference in our day-to-day lives. Enjoy the kids above all. The mess will always be there. ;)

"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA

1 mom found this helpful

Very frustrating! I think men deal better with something like this: "From now on, on Wednesdays, after dinner, you will need to watch, bathe & get the kids to bed b/c I am going to be at XYZ" OR "I need you to start bathing the kids & getting them to bed on Mondays & Tuesdays so I can organize the toys." etc. It does NO good to get in his face screaming "YOU NEED TO DO MORE!" They don't get that, and they don't poick up on subtle hints. Just say "The garbage can is full, please take it out." etc.

As for the toy carnage, a few thoughts: Put some toys away (out of reach, out of sight), the more stuff there is, the more stuff they pull out, the more mess and the more CONFUSED they are by what to play with. Less is better.

Have you talked to your doctor about your anxiety & depression? It might be a good idea.

Also have you ever tried www.flylady.net?
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I am a SAHM with 3 children. My oldest 2 are 10years and 4 years go to school but the baby (18 months) is home with me. My husband also works the 11PM to 7am shift and it leaves me to parent 24/7! He is home during the day but does very little. He will do dishes about 1 to 2 times a week, do his laundry (because if he doesn't I don't either and he likes clean underwear!!!) and he will help with dinner (I am a terrible cook and he likes meals more than hotdogs and mac-n-cheese)! He spends a lot of time in front of the TV and sleeping. He often complains of how tired he is but "forgets" that the baby still gets up minimune 2x a night and often more than that. I live in a constan state of exhaustion.

With my husband I have found that I do what I can and leave the things that truelly don't matter.(IE: toys on the floor) alone. If he complains a simple I did is much as I can today will have to do. As for his laundry if you have a washer and dryer in the house and he knows how to use it put his stuff in a basket and walk away!!! He will either do it or have no clean laundry rather quickly. Also make time for YOU! I just recently started going out to lunch 1 day a month with my friends and it is amazing how wonderful that is even only 1x a month. I leave the baby home with the hubby and leave (lunch is minimum 2 hours when I do!) Get some friends,or a group that you can have play dates with for both you and the Lo. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! Even if it is just to walk the mall, local track or a quiet road get out!!!! It will do a world of wonders for your mental state and be good exercise for you as well. The LO will benefit too!

As for the kids toys pack 1/2 away in a big bin somewhere. In a month or two get them out, pack the other half away! It makes a world of difference. This way they actually play with them rather than just dump and move on.

I have had to "force" my husband to help at times (like leaving his laundry) but he should get the point sooner or later. When your not fighting tell him what you are feeling. It may not work but men are CLUELESS!!!! They don't "just get it", or "just know" write it out for him a list of ways he can help you and his family. Make a to do list for yourself to so he sees what you do in a day. Include on there "play" time with the baby, lunch prep and eat time and all the many "little" things that go into running a house. My husband never sees me clean the garbage can but without doing it once in a while it would stink!

As a stay at home mom our husbands (and other) figure the house should be spotless, laundry always done and dinner proptly at 5 but they don't think about the baby "time". How many times do we start 1 job only to have to leave it undone until we get back to it because a baby needs a diaper change, a hug, to be entertained, fed, the list goes on."Baby Time" as I call it is a whole new world. Plan a day with some friends, go out and leave Dad with baby with a list of things that have to get done (laundry, dishes, showers, meals) and see what he thinks when you get home. He might have a new appreciation for you!!!!!

God Bless and hang in there! A.

1 mom found this helpful

My son was the same way, it took lots out of me but I had to take away certain things like not allowing him to have his favorite snack when he asked. It works faster with my 2 yr old because they are more stubborn when they get older. Its worth a try, but you have to stick to your guns. When I ask her to help mommy clean & she won't I stop cleaning & when she asks for something, I say you have to help mommy clean up 1st..
However, I'm not sure what to suggest for your hubbie. Personally, I would leave his things where he puts them, not wash his clothes & tell him, it's every man for himself & he made that choice! But maybe you should try the "sweetheart method". It's when you butter him up with yourr words while asking him extremely nicely to do something in the house..

1 mom found this helpful

wow you need a break explain that he gets one when he comes home and you dont kids have 2 parents for a reason he has to help out with kids and you will continue to household chore but he could throw out the garabe he is lazy talk it out or go on strike dont so his wash or cooking

I am a working mother with one child 2.5 y/o. I have a husband who works from home. He is a great man, but no help. I state very clearly that our relationship is 90/10. And I give him 10% because he recently had to start bringing our daughter to daycare in the mornings because I started a new job. Where I cannot totally relate, I can see where you'd be at wits end.

I do it all. Even fix stuff. Well after the baby is in bed I'm still up packing lunches, picking up toys, etc. what I have found is putting myself on a schedule (sort of .. ex. laundry on weekends, Grocery store after church on Sunday, etc). And I agree with another poster ... my daughter -- while not great -- can and does pick up SOME toys when asked realistically. "Please put your Barbies back in the bin. Then I can pick up the trains." Saying "clean your toys" won't get you anywhere at this point . but maybe a slow gradual lesson on focusing on one toy at a time and have it returned to a specific place would be a good start.

And when I do need help, asking politely is the way I can win him over.

As for your anxiety and depression, you should really seek some support. Therapy did me wonders (and continues to help). You need an outside source -- face to face -- to help clear out why you are so full of anxiety and depression is creeping in. We can all get bogged down with home maintanance ... but don't forget about yourself.

I don't know if my advise will be helpful or relevant but I know how you feel. My first husband was how yours sounds.
Your kids should be able to pick up after themselves, especially the 5 yr old, to some degree. Maybe try a sticker chart or a smiley face chart; when they pick up their toys without being asked, they get a sticker or smiley face and when the line/chart is full they get a surprise. The surprise doesn't have to be anything super big or fancy but something they would enjoy- going to the park, playing a game with you, making special cookies, a coloring book etc. If that doesn't work or quits working (like it did with me), I've started to put toys that are left out after being told to put away and a reasonable time was given in a clear tote, one so my daughter can see everything she is unable to play with, and also so I can see when/if it gets too full. After a week she can get them back but she has to help out with another chore that she doesn't normally do- like help clean the bathroom or fold extra laundry. If a toy or book ends up in the tote 2 weeks in a row, we give it away. I admit there is a book that ended up in there twice and I put it in my closet- it was a gift from her grandparents from Alaska- but she will not be getting it back for a long time. Also if there is "junk" (fast food toys, broken things etc) that is in the tote, I just automatically give it away or throw it out. Also try to enlist your children to help out around the house with simple chores. I had my daughter go around and gather the trashes out of the rooms and bring them to the kitchen so they would be easier to empty. Can she help you wash the dishes or rinse them off? My daughter also loved to dust, I would put a pair of old white long socks on her hands (they would go up to her elbows) and she would dust off the TV, book shelves etc.
Have you spoken with your husband and let him know how you feel? Believe me, I know can be hard to stay calm and not break down or start to raise your voice. I told my (now ex-) husband that it was too much for me to be expected to do everything and I needed his help. I had to tell him very specifically what I needed/wanted him to do. Like pick up his clothes and put them in the hamper, rinse the dishes off so they are easier for me to wash (since he never washed them well anyway), take out the trash every other day (or when it was full), put new toilet paper in the bathroom when he used it all, etc. I felt like I was making a list of stuff that he should be doing anyway but he said he didn't know those things needed to be done. Granted his help only lasted a few months, we had many other issues with our marriage so he "gave up", but it was nice while it lasted and I think it made him realize everything I did, because there isn't a laundry, dish or bathroom fairy. Good luck!

Are you living my parallel life? lol
My husband also works long hours, and I stay home and watch the kids - they are similar ages to yours. I don't believe my husband has washed a single dish in years, the only time he has EVER done laundry was when I was in hospital with our daughter, that was one time in 10 years.
I live in a 2/1 trailer, (coming from a 3/2 brick home) and it is small and I have stuff everywhere. I tidy up once a day only, my 2 year old is so incredibly messy, she leaves stuff everywhere all the time - and she will help tidy up, but still - just the sheer amount of stuff she has clutters up my tiny house in no time.
I think in a way, yes, we have to suck it up. If we are home all day then we have to do the "home" stuff unfortunately - mind you when I worked full time it was the same way!
BTW, I also do garbage duty, mowing, fixing and everything else in between - I have more energy than my husband, that is the simple answer, he does his hours at work, and he is too tired to do anything else, whereas I could work and still do everything else on top.
My husband will help me out if I ask him, so maybe just asking nicely for some help may work, If I scream at him, he won't do anything. Sometimes silent treatment works too lol

with kids comes hard work. for DAD too. why does he get to rest and you don't? make a chore list and a rest schedule. you each have equal hours of "work" and rest. insist on including child care and chores as work (they are!!!). then remind him that if you are stressed and overworked, the family will not be healthy and happy. also remind him that you are the main role model for your children; does he want them growing up thinking that women work nonstop and clean up after men and men go to work and then play video games, never cook and don't clean? does he want his sons and daughters being that way when they grow up? what kind of family does he want to create?

and by the way, donate the toys they don't clean up. i think that is a very appropriate consequence. i say the same thing to my daughter (but of course i spend almost zero money on toys -the only time i buy her toys is for 1 or 2 dollars at a thrift store, so donating them doesn't "cost" me anything).

good luck mama!!!

Caring for little kids is a really hard job. Remember the saying. Cleaning the house with kids is like, shoveling snow while its still snowing. I know it is really hard but please hang in there, try to schedule play dates at parks with friends to keep your mood up. Make the most of this time because you will blink and they will be teenagers, like my boys and will not want anything much to do with you. Wish you well.
M.

Being mostly in charge of the cleaning, cooking and laundry does not mean that you run a maid service and everyone else can be a slob. If the kids aren't willing to clean up the toys, then get rid of a lot of them. Minimize what they have so the mess will be smaller. Have a serious talk with the husband. He goes to work at a job for a certain number of hours each day and each week. Let him know that it is not reasonable for your job to extend past the end of the workday by numerous hours and all weekend long. If he thinks that you don't do much, keep a list each day for a week. Maybe you should have him take vacation for a week and you go visit your family, and he could figure out what you do all day for a week. He may think you don't do much because if he was home with the kids, he wouldn't be doing much. If he gets free time, then you ought to get some too.
Good luck.

I'm sorry, but I think I'd have to tell the husband he can pitch in a bit. If us Moms can go an entire night without any sleep and still manage to keep the house going, he can pitch in even though he works. My husband is gone M thru Friday for work and makes it his priority to help me out on the weekends. It takes 2 people to run the house, regardless of who's home and who's not. I wouldn't stand for that would end up exploding, which sounds like you might do soon if you don't take action.
Good luck,
L.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. You said you went from a home to a trailer home? If it's small, then you ought to put a lot of toys away and rotate them somehow monthly or bimonthly. Let the kids miss them. They don't need that many anyway. If you don't have a place to store them, then put them in huge bags and put them under or outside the trailer where they can't be reached.
I think your hubby is depressed also. Possibly the move to a trailer home was not what he expected in his life. In this economy things are tough, but I'm sure things will eventually get better. Secondly, get yourself and push the hubby to get out of the house and take walks, go to parks etc. If you go to church, isn't there coffee served sometimes on Sundays? How about joining a gym or following up on a hobby? Now that's how you can also get your husband to get involved in some housework. Don't be home all the time. Give him a list of the chores that need to be done by the time you get back home. When my husband doesn't do it at times, I hate to say it but, I raise hell.I have a bad temper and I can be a bit mean to him. Hey, your last resort would be to refrain from giving him any hhhmm..It's worked for me. All in all he really needs to help out in the house. It doesn't matter that he's working, we're ALL working and need each other when we are with one another.
As for the kids, let them throw their tantrums. Threaten that you will throw all their toys away, and do so in front of them. That way they'll see you're serious. Let them go dig it out of the garbage. If they don't care, you shouldn't either. Less toys to pick up on your part.
I wish you well and good luck...

I think everyone is dealing with this in some way or another. My suggestion is SIMPLIFY as much as possible. Get rid of things! Organize. (this is a big challenge for me!) Your children are 5 and 3, they are old enough to help clean up their things and they should be if they are going to be independent self sufficient adults one day. They WANT responsibility at this age and they WANT to help...maybe not always, but overall, b/c it gives them power, it includes them and it builds their self confidence. You have to be creative with them to get them to do what you want, make it a game, DEFINITLEY praise them when they do it...its easy to research ways and find a way that works for you. As for your husband. Sit down and talk with him when you are calm. When you say you can't talk to him, he seems to get quite defensive right away, so ask him what he thinking and feeling, seems like he has some underlying issues...maybe he is stressed with work, or feeling insecure about going from a house to a trailer and instead of dealing with it he's taking it out on you, feeling sorry for himself! Not that I agree with that, but pput yourself in his shoes too to try and find out where the problems lie here and then you can confront your probelms along with it. It takes TWO for it to all work. You both are in need of something and not getting it, so figure it out and then all the other stuff will start to fall into place. Point out what you do all day and see if you can figure it out together. He may have NO CLUE or he may just have his own issues...but honestly, my husband DOES A LOT but he will NEVER do as much as me and I work full time too, so this is an AGE OLD arguement in my opinoin for all of us! LOL. Now about you, you need to just find ways to handle your stress too..its not good for you to feel the way you do and when mom is stressed the whole house is stressed.