How to Handle My Mom

I wish I could say I know how you feel but being that I only have one child to deal with I don't exactly know how you feel :)

I do understand trying to get help from parents and friends. When I was pregnant everyone was saying how much they would help and babysit and all of those things. Once the baby came they all disappeared. My mother in law says she needs lots of notice before she can watch my daughter. I have tried to explain that when I really need her is usually at short notice ie. being sick or having to get something done that I can't take my daughter to do. My m-i-l doesn't work and has a lot of time on her hands yet I have to give her plenty of notice? So my husband and I decided that we just won't ever ask her to help. It makes it easier when you don't expect anything. It took her a while to realize that she hasn't watched her grandchild in a while and she asked to come over. It may have been vindictive but we said we needed more notice. It opened her eyes I thin,k because she is very helpful now.

1 mom found this helpful

It could be possible that the two of you are miscommunicating. She may be offering to help you by being a listing hear. Where you are wanting help with your daily struggles.

It may also my possible that your mom is dealing with a lot of issues and is not able to love you in the way you want her to. It is difficult to except that that some people have only a limited ablity to give. She may be giving you all she has to offer.

Perhaps you are not ready to confront her, or maybe you think it best to leave it alone, but if you choose to talk to her you could try something like this...

Mom, I feel hurt that you have offered to help me, but then when I need you, you are not there. I am disappointed that we are not spending more time together.
I was hoping to have a relationship that looks like this...____________.
Is that something you are interested in? Do you think that would be possible, or should I just except things as they are and try to get my needs met somewhere else? Either way I want you to know that I love you mom.

You may get any number of reactions from her, maybe she will she see things differently and it will bring you closer,or she may become angry, or maybe give you empty promises, but at least you can say you tried.

1 mom found this helpful

My mother was a "difficult" woman as well. Beloved by the general public, she loved to start fights between me & my 4 brothers as we grew older. My brothers & I finally wised up to her games & stopped letting her succeed. Doesn't mean she didn't stop trying! We had to accept that this was a part of who she was & wasn't going to change just because we had. We had to "rise above." And it wasn't always easy. On her deathbed she told nurses that one brother was going to bring her drugs to help her die faster! A complete fabrication she probably got from a soap opera. Thankfully the nurses knew us all very well & while they had to ask my brother about this, they didn't believe it was true. She died naturally & we hope with some sense of peace. But just as we grew up & got to live our own lives & make our own choices, part of our growing up was accepting that our mother was making her own choices as well.

Your husband is right: the best thing you can do is pull back from her a bit. No point in setting yourself up for more disappointment from your mother. Accept that her offers to help are made with the best of intentions and NO intention to follow through. Take the lesson & apply it to your own mothering. I certainly learned some good lessons out of my mother's difficult ways: i.e. how to NOT emulate them.

We each get the chance to break painful patterns of behaviour that our parents showed us. We each get to discover new ways we'll disappoint our children. We all get to hope that our children will realize that we did the best we could, just as we start to realize how our parents did the best they could. No parent, no human, is perfect, no matter how hard they try.

1 mom found this helpful

the next time she offers ask her why she is offering if she doesn't help when asked. communication.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi CR,

I have a similar mother who always says she wants to help, but when I tell her what I need she won't/can't do it. I've had to find other ways/people to help me and I find that my relationship with my mom is less strained because I don't rely or expect her help. She must think that to be a good grandmother you have to say that you are going to help. But when it comes down to it she just doesn't have the energy for it. Anyway, I just wait for her to offer to come over and when she does that's great. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

It can be very, very painful to have a mother disappoint and not provide the help that we need and expect from them. It is okay to acknowledge this openly, even to her. You can say, "I feel disappointed when ..." or "I was hoping that.." or "I don't understand why ..." This can improve communication and strengthen the relationship, which are laudable goals that it sounds like you want. BUT there is no guarantee that by saying these things you will actually manage to change her. She just may not be capable of giving in the way that you want and need. For this reason, I think your husband's advice is not that bad. To me, it doesn't mean refusing to have anything to do with her. It just means to lower your expectations of her. As sad as it may make you feel to think of this, since she is your MOM, try laying on her the level of expectations you would have for a neighbor or an acquaintance. That may be all she can give. If you lower your expectations, you will be satisfied with what she CAN give, and this will probably make her feel more comfortable, and then you can build a bridge of trust that way. Best wishes to you.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds to me like your mom's "I'll do whatever I can for you" schtick is born out of the guilt she feels about what happened when you were younger but that it is completely disconnected from who she really is (a woman who worked 60 hours a week when she had young kids in the house and then chose a boyfriend over her own kids). I don't want to sound harsh but mom still has issues, honey. And she's not sincerely looking to make ammends, she's just trying to make herself feel better without any of the hard work of true reconciliation.

But it sounds like you do need support and you need to find it from other sources. Do you have other friends with kids of similar ages? Maybe you can form some sort of baby sitting co-op. Maybe you could hire a mother's helper...a tween or young teen who would be able to come in for a few hours a week while you're home to distract the kids while you work or clean or whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. Turn to your friends and find support in your community (mom's groups, church, whatever) because you're just setting yourself up if you are looking for any of this from your mom.

I hope the two of you are able to achieve something that looks like peace and reconciliation between you. It just won't come this way. Good luck.

CR,

Your situtation sounds so painful. I can not even imagine the feeling you are experiencing. I am sorry I don't have any advice about your relationship. Have you tried family counseling at least for yourself to help heal the scars you have from the past and build coping skills for a relationship in the future?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I'm sorry to say I agree with your husband. You're mother is jerking your chain. It sounds like she get's some perverse kick out of making you squirm. I don't think she wants to help you at all, she just wants you to do for her but she doesn't really want a relationship.

You and your children deserve better than this. What are your children learning from this relationship model? Is it healthy? Is it something you want them to duplicate?

I dare so you answered no to the last couple of questions and that alone is revealing in what you need to do. You need to distance yourself from your mom and focus on healthy relationships for your sake and for the sake of your kids.

I have cut out a parent from my life. I know it's not easy but my life is so much better and more peaceful for it. All the best for you!
C.
WAHM to 4 y/o virtual twins

I would back off....sounds like your mom is all words and no action...she want's to appear helpful and saying the words she does somehow appeases her ego...but in reality is false. i would work to find a friend or someone else to help you and just let her go....

I hate to say this but I agree with your husband, back off from her. She keeps saying she wants to help, but when it comes down to you needing her she cant because of something she has to do, or shes not feeling well. I understand how important mother daughter relationships are, my mom and I have not always been close, but we are getting better. I think maybe if you back off, you just cant make people want you or to spend time with you, but if you do maybe she will start to wonder whats going on and she will come to you and want to see you.

I agree with Lorraine T. Your mom is a selfish person, but doens't like to think of herself that way, so she says she'll help, but never follows through.

It's easy for me to sit her and tell you to just cut her out of her life, but I know that's hard, because she's your mom and you love her in spite of yourself.

If it were me, I'd just sit her down and explain to her that you won't be asking her for help anymore, as she never comes through. She'll probably protest, but just stick to your guns. You can still have a relationship with her, but I'm afraid it'll have to be on her terms. I'm so sorry you got stuck with a mom like this.

I can totally relate to what you are saying. Not from my mom but my sisters. I to am the mother of 4 and often have been in major need of help. Especially after my last two c-sections. My sisters and sister in laws have either not offered at all or offered to help me but never are available. I don't even ask anymore. And we are not very close because of it. Some people put up a lot of bounderies in their relationships. It sucks when it is your sisters or your mom. However, for your childrens sake let them have a relationship with their grandmother. As long as she isn't unstable or dangerous. I'm a little sketchy on you and your brother getting kicked out of the house. It is a bummer that she isn't comfortable babysitting. She doesn't sound very healthy. Try not to punish her for that. The reality is that she wont get to see them or you as much if she can't lighten your load a little bit. That is just the way it works. I suggest you find a local day care or a neighborhood babysitting co-op to use when you need help with child care. Otherwise spend a planned amount of time with your kids and mom all together. Try to enjoy it and not be resentful. We both know watching four kids is no easy task.

Good luck,

Fellow Mom of Four

This sounds very similar to what I went through with my father. When I was preg with my son, I moved to be closer to him. (My mother has been passed for years.) I was a single mother struggling to raise a child by myself. My father had told me that if I needed any help for anything...he would be there. But, as things progressed, he wasn't always there. After my son turned a year old, my father started to back off. Insisting that he would still be there. He stopped coming by to visit, would make himself unavailable for me if I had ever needed him, and had become withdrawn. I only asked for his help once in a while. When I did ask for his help, he told me that he doesn't have time to do anything with me and can't help. I felt alone and helpless. I didn't know many people and I didn't have much in resources where we were living at. It all got much harder as time went by.

I know that this may seem hard, but all I can say is try. TRY, talking with your mother and letting her know how you've been feeling. At least you know, you tried to get it out into the open. Just make sure you don't point fingers and that you make it an "I Feel" talk. Realize though, that if she isn't willing to help...it may hurt, but you can't do much to resolve the situation. You could also try writing a letter to explain the situation and how you feel. Sometimes when I'm unable to voice my feelings with someone or that someone refuses to hear me out, I write a letter. All they can do to that letter is read it and throw it away. At least you got your feelings out. I love my father dearly and always will. Even though we don't alway communicate. Yes, it does hurt to know that we don't talk and that he doesn't do more to take part in the life of his only daughter and only grandchild, but I did what I could to shine a light on everything. I realize now, I can't control what he is doing or feeling, but I can control what I do or feel. I'm sorry if this doesn't help, but I do hope it gives you some insight. I know what it feels like. Good luck! ~B.

Dear CR,
Blessings on you! Your plate is very full and you seem to be able stay upbeat and kind.
Not having the most wonderful relationship with my mother either, I have found that it is very important to be as specific as possible. Also asking her what she is actually willing to do. You both may have different things in mind or she wants to help and is just freaked out at what that means for her.
Idea #1-next time she says she want to help, ask for the date. When is it best for her?
Idea #2- Try inviting her to dinner when dad is home. While she is there say "mom, would you get the sippy cups out of the dishwasher please"? Things like this she can do and get a sense of helping. If she never comes up with details about when she can visit, try to make peace with it.
I am a direct person and would likely respond to her next "just call me and ask for help" comment,that I had asked repeatedly and it appears that even though she offers, she doesn't follow through. No guilt, no badgering, you just need to know who can be depended on. She needs to know that you know. Chat with her when you get the chance but don't ask. If she "just ask"s after you'ved tried some things, tell her that you know she wants to help but just can't seem to. When/if mom is ready, she will show up.
Idea #3-Is your wanting your mom's help something she is actually capable of or is it part of your deep desire to have her in this way? Sounds like part of your history is that she has not been there for you(at 14 you needed her a lot). If this is so, it was for me,let it go. Try to love her for who she is and be a better Mom to your lucky kids. You're in my prayers. Hang tough!

It sounds like your mother needs some advance notice and can't do things at the last minute. Set a specific time--can you come over next Thursday from 10-2? Then you can also plan what you will do while you have her there and prevent a melt down.

First thing that popped into my head was that maybe you haven't asked her to pick a convienent time to watch your kids or come over to help. If it were in her ballpark to pick the time and date maybe it might work. If she doesn't pick a time, then I would say she isn't being sincere about wanting to help you. I sort of have the same problem with my mom, but if I let her set the time it usually works out great...even if it's not the best time for me...at least it's still "me time".

I'd suggest sitting down and trying to work out a schedule that you can give your mom a week or so in advance. If she knows this week that you'd like her to help you for a couple of hours on the 14th and 16th, she may be more receptive. It sounds like the last minute SOS doesn't matter at all.

Let her know how important it is to you and her grandchildren that she be a part of their lives. If you want the relationship, you'll have to be the one to work at it. You may have to take your husband's advice down the road though and back off if she doesn't respond.

I wish you lots of luck with this. And, congratulations on making your blended family work.

I also have a difficult relationship with my mother. To me it sounds like both of our mothers have the same way of thinking. My mother is quite selfish in most situations. Your mother seems to be in this mentality from what you have stated. The best thing I can think of is to ask your mom when she can come and watch the children, or come assist you that would work the best for her. You will need to be prepared that she may, and probably will, at the last minute call and tell you she can't make it because she has something else to do. You just have to remember that she thinks that her agenda is the most important and has a very difficult time trying to see things from someone else's perpective.
I also have a friend that is the same way. She has no kids, and no job, and said I can call her babysit anytime. I tried to call on her on 5 different occasions. Every time there was a different excuse to why she couldn't make it. There are some people that never graduate to a higher level of thinking to try to think how other people might feel over what their own personal needs or wants are.

Patti

You need to really complement yourself on what a good Mom you are. Staying home to provide a stable environment for your children is a wonderful thing! You will never regret this time. Growing up you did not have any guidance or examples to help you to even know how to be a good Mom. That in itself speaks volumes to you as a person. Unfortunately, your Mom will probably never become the Mom you wish she would. She just does not know how. That is sad. But your kindness to her, accepting her, inviting her to come over is all you can do. What a great attribute! What is hard, is that you can not have expectations she will ever respond as you would or as you would like her to. You will always have a special place in your heart as she is you Mother, but... your husband is correct, listen to him. Put your thoughts and energy in your children and husband, your rewards will be 10 fold! Can you find someone to trade a few hours of baby sitting a month so you can have a little time for yourself? I know things will get better, your family is so blessed to have such a loving and caring Mom. pjc

It's possible that your mother's offer to help is quite sincere, as long as it's off in some theoretical future. When faced with making good, however, maybe she notices that she's not feeling up to it, and makes whatever excuse feels handy at the moment. I know lots of folks (and I am sometimes one of them) who are like this in one way or another. In my case, chronic and inconvenient health issues often make it too difficult for me to be there for someone else when I'm struggling just to get through my day.

I have gradually learned to volunteer less, but that's been REALLY hard to learn - it goes against a lifetime of training to make other people happy. My impulses are generous and sincere. (Never mind that if I have to I back out later, they will be disappointed. Who thinks of that when volunteering to help family and friends, serve on worthwhile committees, participate in the fund-raiser?)

I find myself wondering how complete your mother's recovery actually was - she could be changed in some subtle way, or could perhaps be quite different in her own perception of her capacities. Or maybe she's always had a selfish streak, and it's getting wider as she gets older. It is admirable that you want a "decent" relationship with her. But I hope you will look at that from a loving perspective (what do you want to bring to the relationship to make it decent) and avoid making demands and setting expectations. Your mother may be self-involved, but isn't that self-involved, too? And ultimately disappointing, if you see her in terms of what you want rather than what she is willing or able to give. I learned the hard way that it's not my mother's job to heal my old hurts and disappointments, it's mine. She will not become somebody else just because I "need" her to.

If you are so overwhelmed by the many obligations you have accepted (making everyone else happy), might it be a good idea to look at how much you can handle without depending on other people to help you? You sound like the proverbial "superwoman" who tries to do it all. Nobody else has as much obligation to take care of you as you have to take care of yourself (see paragraph 2). Moms tend to forget this.

You know, even when the plane is going down, parents are advised to put on their own oxygen mask first, before they try to get them on their kids. Wise advice, yes?

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It was a cruel thing, intentional or not, for her to offer her assistance and then not give it when needed. As a mom I can hardly imagine kicking my children out for a man. I dont think your mom is ready or willing to help and I would just stop calling her. If she decides to come help then accept it with graditude but expect no more. Find a close friend, or maybe your mother-in-law to help you out. Some moms are not that great at the job.

I was hopeing to get in here and write something that would make you feel better, but every time I wrote something I felt like it would cause you more pain and I didn't want to do that. Your hubby is right unfortunately you probably should just back off for a bit and see what happens. And if she calls you and asks why you haven't ask her for help just tell her the truth, "Mom you just aren't there and you never have been." You should not have to beg her for help she should want to because she is your mother and grandma to your kid's. I am willing to bet she spends little or no time with the grandkid's right? I know another person who has a mother just like yours and she rarely speaks to her unless she just happens to run into her. Wish there was a way to make all these mother's to wake up and realize what they have lost or are losing.

Its difficult, and I understand as my parents and I have a troubled relationship at this point in time. I think your husband is right though.

There was a very painful point about two years ago where I finally just realized that they weren't really going to be there for me. They would say what is expected of a parent/grandparent, but when push comes to shove they don't really mean it. It was to the point where their broken promises were starting to hurtfully affect my kids.

I had to change my way of thinking to just simply realize that unless the situation would benefit them, they wouldn't be there, so I no longer ask, or expect any help from them. Its sad, and it doesn't make me happy at all, but its the way they are and they aren't going to change.

If you aren't to that point, you may just want to call her on it. Actually ask her why she says to let her know if she can help, if she doesn't have the time or energy to ever actually be there.

I know this all probably sounds harsh.

Hello CR. I am sorry that you have to go thru this. Please know that the problem is not you, it is your mom. For reasons only she knows, she chose to be a a workaholic and had no time or place in her life for you or your brother. When she had a near death experience, she may have realized how much she missed in life or that her priorities were not right. She may have tried to make up for it by reaching out to you and her grandkids. What keeps her from following thru and actually spending time with you is anyone's guess.

You have probably figured out by now that there is no point expecting her to really help you. Trying to reason with her or understand her motives will drain you of time and energy better spent elsewhere.

Keep the doors open by inviting her to visit you. Keep it simple, give her a choice of several specific dates and invite her to just come spend some time with you and your family. Stay in contact with your mom because people do change but don't be surprised if she does not. Be at peace knowing you have done your best to reach out to her.

I am thinking that maybe a copy of the calendar for that month, with days highlighted and the exact times that you need her to help out may be a good start. Throw in a couple of date nights (2-3 hours maximum) with your husband. She will probably pick the dates that she knows she can handle and you will be able to see what kind of help she is really willing to offer. Maybe having her go grocery shopping for you instead of watching kids is something that would be a "first step" in helping out. Some people don't like big committments and eventually work their way into them by starting out with small ones.
Maybe this will help you find a way to clarify to her exactly what you want as well as giving her choices that are comfortable for her.

Dear CR

My heart goes out to you! I can only imagine how painful this must be for you to continue to get the same message from your mom over and over again. She is saying one thing, (I will help) but doing the opposite (not help) which, based on your story, she has been doing all your life. I want to be frank with you and ask you why you are expecting her to change? There is a saying that goes that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. For whatever reason, your mom is not available to help you. You cannot change her; it is imperative for your own emotional health that you realize this. You must cultivate support in others and stop asking you mom. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with her, but it means that you need to stop expecting her to do something that she won't or can't do for you. I wish I was living close to my grandchildren so I could help my daughter! Your mom is missing out!
Wishing you all the best!

CR-

Wow you life is almost parallel to mine, I am 30 very happily married with 6 kids and have 4 others that I watch so I am able to stay home with my kids because my mom was never there and I want more for my kids.

The one thing you need to remember is that your mom is only saying it to make herself look good to other people she puts on the act but never follows through. I also was out of the house at 15 and did not talk to my mom for 3 years and upon getting back to the relationship there to this day are boundries.
You (like I) do everything for everyone but when it comes to her don't for awhile, and don't be afraid to explain to her why you were out of her house at such a young age that she is still looking at you like the child she knew not the married grown up mature woman you are

It sounds like she wants to have a close relationship, but just doesn't want to work toward it. My thinking is that she can't always be busy or ill, and that there is some other reason. Maybe she doesn't know how to be there for you, but still wants to. Maybe she is afraid that if she tries she will let you down. Maybe she is just scared. Or, there is a chance that she is all talk and really is only out to serve herself. Whatever the case, I wouldn't give up just yet. Try asking her for different things. Maybe childcare is not her forte. Invite her to school functions for the kids. Ask her advice on something she knows well (even if you already know the answer) like about whatever work she does on her rental property. The key here I think is not to actually GET help from her, but to make her feel like she is helping you so she will feel more comfortable putting herself out there. My mom always needs to feel like I need her.

Good luck. Remember no matter how hard the work is, you only have one mom, and when she's gone, she's gone for good. Be sure if you do end up giving up that you really gave it your all... and even then, don't completely shut the door on her. Maybe a civil relationship is the best you'll get right now.

Hang in there! I was you age when I had a rude awakening that my parents would never be what I felt I needed them to be. I would agree with your husband and back off. She has proven to be no help. Now is the time to nuture relationships with friends from playgroups, daycares,and maybe church. Offer support to others so you can get support once in a while from others. I found my support group through a home schooling group. They have all become my second family.

If it will put things in perspective, I have seven kids with no family support in town. I just have to grin and bear it and, yes, I break down and cry sometimes too.

keep on keepin on!

jem

You poor thing. I had something similar to that happen to me, but only with one child. It is so disappointing and such a let down to your heart. (As cheesy as that sounds)

My advice is to listen to your husband. It sounds like you DID make it clear to her that you needed her and it still didn't work. SO now you must now that she is not a reliable source for time of urgency. I am not saying she is a bad person AT ALL, but some people just like to say they want to help. Then when it comes down to it, they can't for whatever reason. So when she says she wants to help in the future, you need to say okay mom..... You let me know what time would work for you. Tell her that way you can schedule it so you can plan on things to do while she watches the kids.
Her intentions are good, it's just the let down from you that stinks.

My mom is a child psychologist, so I had to talk to her about this exact situation with my in laws. My mom lives out of town so we had no help. My inlaws told us that we are going to want at least 6 kids, because they will be taking them at LEAST for every weekend, if not during the week. They told us to have 6 because we won't see the ones we have because that is all they wanted was to have grandchildren. Basically we had to ask for help during an emergency. We got humiliated and they were at some Restaurant having cocktails by themselves. This was the last time we asked. I think they saw my son 3 times for short visits in the first year of his life. SO I needed advice from my mom. So this is the advice she gave me. I understand that I am lucky to have Dr. Phil for a mom so that's why I am responding to your email. IF you need anything else just let me know and I can give you my email.

Take care, and please don't be discouraged. Sounds like you are on the right track.... Take care!

The situation your in about your mom is very tough ,but you are not the problem.i agree with your husband leave it alone,even though your heart is in the right place you can't make your mom understand anymore than she wants to.i think it's a shame that you being her daughter and with grandkids that she wouldn't be going out of her way to help you out,especially after the history of you guys growing up.shame on her.