How to Handle Lying Husband??

I agree that a 12 S. program would be the best thing for him and Al-anon for you.
But I would be out the door so fast it would make his head spin. He has lied to you since you have known him. You do not even know who he is, and when you find out you may not even like him.

1) you need to go to an Al-anon meeting. Google one in your area. They are meetings of the friends and family of addicts. I know, I'm a recovering alcoholic. You all need your own support group to deal with "my people".

2) your husband is in that body, but right now his addiction is in charge. We (my people) rationalize our entire lives to ourselves - don't think we can't rationalize it to outsiders? I packed liquor in my luggage on trips. I told myself I wasn't an alcoholic, I was just frugal. Everyone has a couple drinks, and I just didn't want to pay hotel prices. Except I was packing a handle.

His "can do it on my own" sounds familiar. But let me point this out - he's been able to "do it on his own" all these years - hasn't worked has it?

So please go to al-anon. (it's not just alcohol). They can help you learn not to enable him - and you are enabling him. If you weren't, this wouldn't still be going on. Maybe call a marriage counselor who has experience with addiction issues. But at the very least, regardless of your marriage - hit an al-anon meeting.

Feel free to PM me.

"How do I approch him with my distrust?"

Awe, Sug', are you being kind of h*** o* yourself? I mean, haven't you approached him already...more than once and in more than one way?

Look, I'm sure you're not perfect (none of us are!) and I'm sure there is work you can do to improve your end of communication/boundary setting (all of us have work to do!). But, and this is a BIG but, there isn't anything you can (or can not) do to convince your husband of the reality or rationality of your feelings. If he refuses to hear you, that's because he's making a choice. Unfortunately (fortunately?) That's Not On You sister.

His whole 'you haven't been supportive of me' thang? It's a crock of sh*t. No matter how supportive, unsupportive, enabling, not enabling you've been, if he's continuing active addiction, that's his deal, not yours. There is literally nothing you could do to make him or stop him from 'getting clean'. Nothing.

Now, of COURSE there are ways that we can support someone's recovery OR someone's addiction. And that's one way we can practice or lack integrity. But that has very, very, very little to do with his choices. You can hand a person (addicted, abusive, abused, codependent, or otherwise) recovery on a silver platter and in the end, it's up to them if they want to take it or not.

Repeat after me. I am responsible for myself and my child. I cannot change my husband. Not no how, not no way.

Breathe it in sister, 'cause putting your husband's recovery on your shoulders...okay...let me rephrase this...When *I've* put the responsibility of other adults on my shoulders, it's been a heavy burden. Like, heavy to the point of back breaking.

"How do I leave a man I feel can make my life a living hell if I take our son away?"

*Sigh*. I despise (triple despise) when people undermine the validity of this question. Having spent the past year working with domestic violence survivors (whose abusers are OFTEN addicted), I know that this is very, very, very real. Heck, we have several women on this board who are going through this ugly process right now, and it's no scoffing matter.

But there are ways that you can support yourself (and your son) through this process.

Inventory your current support network. What kind of physical, emotional, financial, child oriented, spiritual assets do you have? What kind of services can you offer (trades during transitions are invaluable. For example: I'll teach you Spanish 2hrs every week for childcare 2hrs a week. Or, I'll clean your house for 15 dollars an hour. Or, I already I have a car, house, and job. Or, feel totally alone and I don't know where to start. What ARE my skills?)

Next/at the same time, pursue legal council. You probably don't want to enter into any sort of court procedure (i.e. the labyrinth) without a good lawyer by your side. Many reputable lawyers are willing to work pro bono, or give free consultation, or will work out payment plans (this is true in my area, but might not be true in other places).

Check out your local domestic violence advocacy center. A lawyers services are invaluable, friends and family can be great, but if you find a (skilled) advocate, you will not be sorry. Advocates are there for YOU. They can help provide an emotional support and road map. Now, this is usually volunteer run and there are some DUDS out there. If you don't get the help you need, don't stop trying. You will meet a LOT of barriers, and it takes great perseverance (be easy on yourself, the barriers are societal and are not because you deserve them) to work around.

In the meantime, and this should be easier because husband is checked out and out of the house, begin gathering resources. You'll want copies of IDs, medical records, financial records, bank and credit card records, keys, car registration and titles, and Rx medications you and your son need, a change of clothes, cash, any valuables you can't part with, expensive jewelry, prepaid cellphone, etc. If you have someone you TRUST, stash this bag full of documents/valuables at a friends house. Otherwise find a bus depot locker, an advocacy center, or another safe place and keep this so that you can access it in a jam. Don't feel guilty about being a sneak. This is about survival. You need to keep yourself and your son safe. That is the number one priority and you're (probably) going to want to be non transparent about this.

This is not a normal/safe situation and thus it doesn't require normal methods of communication and transparency.

A lot of friends and family members may bow out conveniently. DV and addiction tend to make people totally overbearing (you should JUST...If *I* were you...etc.) or totally absent (well, I don't want to take sides / you're being insensitive to HIS needs, etc.)

"I do not think I can ever trust him again, considering he lied for our entire relationship. Am I in the wrong for the way I feel?"

You are never wrong for the way you feel. Feelings are just that. Most often, they aren't in our control.

Besides that, you would be insane if you trusted your husband. He has done nothing but show you he is not trustworthy. It would be like adopting a shark and treating it like it's a pet dog. Not rational.

However. You are in control of your actions and reactions. Feelings can inform our perception but it's our responsibility to make choices that are not justified by our feelings. For example, I wouldn't have hit the wall if I didn't feel so angry / you MAKE me feel this way (huh? Nope. We all make our very own feelings in our very own bodies. Things can help us to feel something, but we're still responsible for what's going on with us.) / I wouldn't be doing this if YOU were nicer/calmer/more supportive.

I want to clarify that my suggestions are only that, suggestions. I have my own experience and my opinions, feelings, ideas come from my experience, so I'm biased and what I have to offer is certainly NOT the right path for everyone or for all situations.

Bottom line is, you'll have to come to your own conclusions and choices and no matter what you decide, I think you are a rock star, totally strong and amazing. You do not deserve this dysfunction, and I'm sorry you face it. Try to believe in yourself sister. Try to treat yourself with love and self care. If mama's not taking care of mama, mama can't take care of anyone else, you know? Try to be gentle with yourself, 'cause this stuff is tough and it really IS that hard. Try to talk to yourself with the same compassion as you would a friend who was in the same situation. Most of all, know that you are not alone. You really are't.

You're going to get through this S. and I wish you serenity, courage, and wisdom. Hugs.

Ephie - Daughter of a drunk, Sister of an addict, wife of an addict in recovery, kinship care provider to a little one who experienced prenatal drug exposure and trauma, and lady with her own (LONG) laundry list of dysfunctions.

Your issue is greater than the fact that your husband is lying to you. You are married to an addict.... and that is a WHOLE different animal.
In addition to the marriage counseling, I urge you to attend some al-anon meetings. His behavior change has to come from HIM - not from you or questions you ask or ultimatums you have.

This is a long road.

Your first question is "how do I approach him with my distrust". You should understand that the dishonesty is not the biggest issue, even though it seems like the biggest to you. And it's not something he can control right now - until he is clean and wants to change. So focusing on that isn't the correct approach to solve your problems. Addicts have a blended truth, that they themselves don't even know what is the truth and what is a lie.

You said you feel he can make your life a living hell if you take your son away..... how?

I can tell you this..... I grew up in a house of powerless addicts. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

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ETA: I agree with Ephie. I did want to add that I was one who asked how your husband would make your life hell if you took your son away...... but I wasn't making light of that..... I was curious because your post didn't really talk about domestic violence (and I didn't see if there were any previous posts, just read and replied to this one). Some things are easier to "take" like, *he won't pay me any child support* and I might tell you to suck that up. But others.... you def have to tread carefully and keep yourself and your son safe.

You need to attend Alanon. Yesterday.
You know this: your husband is an addict.
Here's a fact: he cannot do this himself.

Don't believe a word he says until he's working a program with a sponsor.

He's a fence sitter. Now you know.
Leave. For the sake of your son.
Tell him to let you know when he has a year clean & sober.

Good luck.

Document everything and get a lawyer. I would say that he committed fraud in order to get you to marry him and stay married to him. There hasn't been anything honest about him in your marriage, and you have every reason not to trust him. He's not the person you thought he was.

Go to counseling. You'll be able to figure things out in therapy and how to proceed there. It might even help you find common ground or communicate better with him so that if/when you do hit him with divorce papers it can be less contentious than you think. As part of whether you stay together, I would mandate that he go to rehab and remain sober. If he refuses then it would be an easy decision to stay or go. You can't risk your child growing up with that.

But the documentation is really important because if you can establish a paper trail about his addiction which, per your post, seems he's still in the throes of then no judge in their right mind will grant him any sort of visitation let alone custody unless he's been through rehab and is clean and sober. You might even be able to request in a custody agreement that he has to submit to random drug tests.

He IS an addict, and unfortunately, he IS powerless to it. That means, no amount of you wishing that he could will himself sober will ever come true. You have to decide to carry on with your life, because he is sick. You can't help an addict who isn't ready to help themselves.

He needs to be in a 12-S. program, with a sponsor and accountability partners. You need to be attending meetings as well. If you can't be with him through this, that's no flaw of yours. Addiction is a powerful and devastating thing. Sadly, loved ones cannot compete with it.

I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this.

My advice is to go to an Alanon meeting. He is an addict - allbeit functioning addict. Problem with an addict is their life revolves around their drug and then everyone else revolves around them. He is incapable of dealing with anything else.
Him telling you sounds like a cry for help, but he has to make the rest of the changes himself or you're just enabling him. You need to break the cycle for yourself and your children.
My father is an alcoholic (sober for 3 1/2 years) and in his words, "any good addict loses all their friends and family." He has to earn back your trust. You don't owe him the benefit of the doubt any longer. You have every right to question him.
Good luck! Many couples do make it through this, but HE has to take all 12 steps.

Oh honey, he is most definitely still using. It can't be turned off like a switch. If he is seeing his friends, he is using drugs. Addicts think no one knows and that their lies sound so good.

It doesn't sound like he is in a place where he is wanting to quit. The only thing you can control is yourself. What are you willing to live with? Is it possible he would enter a rehab center just to get some perspective? The want has to be there. Beyond that, you must keep yourself mentally healthy and your children safe. 10 years is a very long time to be actively using. He will not be able to quit on his own no matter how much support he has from you or how much he wants it. He physically needs it at this point and the power of withdraw is not to be underestimated.

Get yourself some support and outside perspective. Find a group for spouses of addicts. Be prepared either way this goes so that you have the tools to forge ahead and make the best life you can for yourself and your children.

I hope the tides turn for your family. You sound like you love your husband and rest assured he loves you as well. His addiction is just running his life and is often stronger than all his good intentions combined.

My ex was like that and what was soooo frustrating was in general what he lied about was stupid. Like where were you? Instead of saying he went over to his mom's house he would say he went to the store to get something but they were out of it. I think what made it maddening is one it is lying but also it makes you wonder why they hell he can't just tell me he was at his moms. What did I say that made him hide that. I kept trying to apply rational reasons for irrational behavior which will drive you freaking nuts!!!

Thing is I got to the point where every time I got that BS feeling I would attack because I was so damn frustrated. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LYING TO ME!!!!!

Turns out my ex is a bit messed up in the head. Hope you don't have the same issues. Our 13 year old has autism spectrum which I believe my ex does as well. Thing is neither of them understand anything social. They lie because it is their perception of what other people do. Messed up, yeah, but I can see why it happens.

Sorry. sounds exactly like my ex. Started with little lies. Went out to get cigarettes came back 3 hours later. in the end he ran up every credit card we had, bought things on the Sears card and sold them for drug money, stopped making house and car payments and I GOT STUCK WITH 1/2 of ALL HIS DEBTS, and 2 small children, and no job, and I didnt get child support cuz he got fired because of his drug problem. Dont forget the fear that some low life he owes money to will show up at your door. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and try to protect your self from any future debts. You can try counseling, it could help but start protecting your child immediately!

How you approach him with your distrust is the perfect thing to address and work through in counseling, right? There you will learn the tools to learn to trust again, if your husband warrants trust. You are absolutely not wrong for feeling the way you do. He's pretty much lied to you from day one, yes? Good luck to you. I know that trust is a most basic tenet of any relationship, but most especially marriage.

If he is buying illegal drugs, I don't think the court would give him custody of your child. You need to go talk to a lawyer about how to get your ducks in a row. Do you have copies of his cell phone bills? Get them and hide them away, along with copies of the taxes, benefit statements from his job, banking statements, IRA's, everything.

Do you work? If you don't, go out and find a job. Start now. You won't get spousal support because you haven't been married long enough. Start squirrling away money because the moment he thinks you're leaving, he'll empty the account. Get a credit card in your own name. Ask the lawyer how to prevent him from running up debt in your name that you are responsible for.

Now is the time to find out all the proper procedures. Even if you decide not to separate from him, knowledge is power. Don't keep your head in the sand here.

Good luck!
Dawn

you sound like such a smart reasonable person. No one deserves this type of treatment. You can fix people unless they are willing to change themselves first. Go to counselling and get him to admit these things to a third person....who can be subpoena'ed if needed........given his addiction and deciet he will be declared an unfit parent and you will be granted full custody....I recommned moving far far away.....this is one situation (unless he completely turns around and goes to rehab) when a parent's involvement can cause more harm than good in a child's life.....please get out if not for yourself then for your child. But be smart about it.....and collect all the proof first, get your financial records in order and get a lawyer.

The fact that your hubby is saying he doesn't want outside help, tells me he doesn't really want any help at all. Denial is a HUGE part of addiction.

Counseling will not help if he is in active addiction. He must first get clean, work the 12 steps to stay that way. Then, and only then, is he ready to do what he needs to do as husband and father.

Offer to go to an NA meeting with him. I was very leary before I went to my first meeting, but after that, I was jazzed about going. They really helped me get and stay clean. I would set a goal of just trying to stay clean until the next meeting. I was going one week at a time. Then the weeks, turned to a month, months to years and so on. It's really overwhelming to think "I have to stay clean for the rest of my life." It's much more manageable to think "I only have to stay clean for the next week." And each week you make the same resolve - stay clean until next week.

As for how do you leave a man you think will make your life hell, you just do it!

You can get a credit card in your own name. HOpefully he has not done the same. Even if the card is in his name only, it is a "joint" debt because it is being incurred during the time of the marriage. I think the only way to protect yourself from him running up bills is to file for legal separation.

As a daughter of a man that was addicted to pills for over 15 years this story sounds all to familiar. My dad is clean now but it was a rough road to get to that point. My parents will celebrate their 38th anniversary this year, thank goodness. It could've turned out totally different.

My mom is a God fearing, Christian woman who would never think of divorce...until my Dad's addicition got so bad she didn't know how to deal with it anymore. She basically gave him a choice, get clean and keep me or don't and I walk out the door. She even went so far as to make him sign over certain stuff to her in the event she did need to leave (her car for example, it was in his name only) It wasn't a snap of the fingers and he was clean either. He went through several different programs. The last one was the one that finally did it. He spent 45 days in a detox facility in California.

I understand this is h*** o* you. But you have to make the hard decision to give him an ultimatum. If you and your child mean that much to him, then he will make the right decision. You have to be firm, you have to ask him questions and under no circumstances do you EVER let him make you feel like this is your fault. Addicts like to try and turn their problems on others. If he does decide to make the right decision, you are going to have to be prepared for the things that come along with that. He will be irriatable, have mood swings, night sweats, could become depressed, etc. This all comes along with walking away from something your body has depended on for so long.

If it doesn't come to him getting clean, you simply have to leave. You cannot subject your child to that type of thing. I can tell you that my little brother has A LOT of resentment for my Dad because he wasn't there for him like he should've been due to the pills.

You can do this! You have to give him the choice and make it clear of your intentions, should he chose the wrong decision.

Addiction is a disease. Have patience with him. I am surprised he told you. He is obviously a 'functioning addict' if its been 10 years and you didn't know.

I can totally relate to you sweetheart!! I was pregnant at 16 so my boyfriend at the time, and I argued constantly he would lie about where he was and who he was with. I didnt want anything to do with him! He would go back and tell his friends bad stuff about me and I wont go into full details. But he made those 2 years miserable!! So when I decided to break up with him, I told him that me and baby where leaving and wouldnt see him again. (we stayed in an apartment at the time together) after I graduated I moved to San Fransico to go to college. We got into another huge arguement about who would have custody of our daughter, we went to court and I won, during the summer I take her to California to see her dad on Christmas, and New Years, and Spring Break. I really miss her during those times definitely during Christmas. But when I go to California and we see each other we dont argue or anything, even though I still have some of those built up feelings inside from 12 years ago, but Ive gotten over it. If counseling doesnt work, well its up to you!

my oldest daughters dad was addicted to pills when i was with him he even stole my pain meds after i had her!!! both my parents are addicts and much of my family and friends are. in saying this i can tell you he hasnt hit rock bottom yet and until he does what you say will go in one ear and out the other.. if youy arnt willing to wait for that rock bottom then you need to leave now. my ex left a pill on the counter one day around the time my daughter had started walking that was a deal breaker for me. once that trust is broken its very hard to get it back if you ever can. good luck this isnt an easy road