How to Handle Baptism Questions from Family?

My Mother-in-law kept asking me also. I told her that I wanted our children to make the choice to follow the religion of THEIR choosing, since joining a faith is a PERSONAL choice, I'm not going to put my personal choice on my children. I told her I feel children are protected by God and that they are spiritually ok until they are old enough to decide for themselves.

She kept pushing me though and one day we really got into it and I finally told her that I don't want my daughter to join a religion that condemned her mother to hell (she's a Christian and since I don't believe Jesus Christ is my savior, I am going to hell). She told me not to get so upset and then she dropped it.

I personally believe (and tell people who have asked the same question you have) that all religions are brought here by God. There is no one right one since they are all right. Since all people are different, there can't be any ONE religion and God comes to us in the best form It can reach us.

Our family goes to a nondenominational church that accepts all religions and all life-styles (I don't believe some people are going to hell just because of the person they love). I want my children to see that there are many people who have diverse backgrounds and they are all good and loving people and shouldn't be judged just because they are different than us.

When my daughter and son are old enough to develop a personal relationship to God, they will be able to choose the best path for them. Until then, I won't put my personal choice on them. I will educate them on ALL religions so they can make an educated choice for themselves when they are old enough.

Hopefully this helps. Remember, your childrens religious choice is a choice they need to make. Tell your family that you are going to leave the decision up to your children when they are old enough to have a personal relationship to God. Good luck. It's hard to deal with people who believe their religion is the only right one. If you speak with your childrens best interest at heart, no one can complain about that.

3 moms found this helpful

I think it is important for family members to respect each other's beliefs. That being said, I think it important that you understand that baptizing your child (at least in Catholicism) does not indoctrinate your child into life as a Catholic. They will choose that for themselves if they are confirmed in the Church. To your husband's family, the baptism is very important and is seen as a protection of your children's souls. I think if you do not feel strongly against baptizing, then you should allow family feelings towards it to influence you, because it is important to them. However, if you have very strong feelings, then family expectations and feelings don't matter, you need to do what is right for you and your family. Whatever you decide, having been through the opposite (we baptized our son, but I have an extremely antireligion family member), it is extremely important that whatever you decide you must represent a united front that it was your decision together. If he shows his family that he disagrees or let you make the decision because he didn't care (same with you and your family), it could make life very difficult.

2 moms found this helpful

My husband & I were both raised in the Lutheran religion, and we both now identify ourselves as agnostic/atheist. This has been difficult for our families, particularly for my mother who is very involved in her church (and who is actively indoctrinating my children every time she watches them... grrr... but that's a whole other story.) I was very upfront with my parents about our complete lack of interest in baptizing our daughters. What I told my folks was that I will not make an oath to god because 1) I don't believe in god and 2) I'm not going to promise to do something (eg teach my children about god) that I have no intention of doing. While my parents would dearly love to see my children baptized and turned into good little x-tians, they can respect that sentiment. Having been raised in the church and having been, at one time, very religious, I feel it would be an insult to those people who actually have faith for me to step into the church and baptize my children while having absolutely no belief myself. And I'm certainly not going to do something just to make my parents happy when it is so completely at odds with my own values. (and yes, atheists have values)
My husband's family is a different matter. His grandmother, who is 85, has no idea that our children are not baptized. It would pretty much wreck her to know her great-grandchildren are little heathens, so we don't even address it. She brought it up when they were very young, and we just smiled and nodded - didn't say we were going to, but we certainly didn't tell her we had no intentions to baptize them. My husband's father, who is the religious one in the family, is pretty cool and laid back about the whole thing. And I don't think my husband's religious education was anywhere near as strict or encompassing as mine was; he was reading the bible the other day and I had to explain a bunch of stuff to him.
Anyway - the decision to baptize your children or not should be completely up to you and your husband, and shouldn't be made to placate family members. As christians, they should respect your decision not to make an oath you don't believe in, if that's why you're choosing not to baptize. If your children find religion when they grow up and choose to get baptized, I'm sure you wouldn't forbid them from doing so. And after all, shouldn't religion be an individual choice rather than something that is forced on children before they are old enough to reason out the pros and cons for themselves?

2 moms found this helpful

Hi Nicole,
I just wanted to share something that I learned. I am Catholic and my husband is Lutheran. I went to several lutheran classes in response to converting to being lutheran. Something that I learned with the classes while discussing the bible... My understanding or interpretation is that when baptised, it isn't saying you are catholic or lutheran, it simply means you are baptized under God. I also learned or interpreted that you or I can do baptism's, all you need to baptize is to some water and simply say I baptize you in the name of the father and son and holy spirit,etc... Of course this is an interpretation, but if you want more information on it, it might be a good alternative to the situation that you have. I would hate to be in your situation and then have something happen to my children and they were never baptized or 'cleansed' and regret it. But there is the option of doing it yourself and not under a specific religion. Confirmation (as you did)is what deams what your religion is, not baptism. I did have a very high risk pregnancy and risky birth and I asked a pastor if it came down to it (Thanking God everying minute that it didn't) would we be able to baptize our babies if something horrible would happen. He said anyone can baptize as long as you have water and say the words. This of course relieved me, because I was so worried about not having someone available if something did go wrong.

And if this is something you are interested in, you can do it with just your husband and kids, and simply state to relatives that your children are baptized. Remember baptism is for your children, not for you or your husband or extended family, but it is still your responsibility that your children are blessed by and to God.

Hope this helps. My children are baptized, but are not neither catholic or lutheran - that will come with confirmation. My husand is still Lutheran and I am still Catholic.

2 moms found this helpful

First I have to say, I thought Jeaneane R. gave very good advice. We were in a similar situation and here's what we did:
My husband is Catholic and I'm Lutheran. His mother and her side of the family have very traditional Catholic beliefs. My husband, on the other hand, probably goes to a Catholic church 1-2x/year- Easter and Christmas with his family. For the most part, if he attends church, we go to the church I attend and he has always been ok with that- I always offer to take turns and go to a Catholic church- but he doesn't take me up on it. So, when it came down to baptism, we had some discussion too. I felt no pressure from my side of the family, but felt a little pressure from his side. At first, he wanted to go with the Catholic baptism and I said OK- but if that is the case, we aren't just randomly picking a church, I wanted the baby to be part of a church community as he grows up so I wanted him to find a Catholic church he wanted to attend regularly and once he found one he wanted to be a part of, we'd do the baptism there. The problem was, he already like the people of the church I was going to and sort of admitted that once the baptism was over, we'd probably just go to my church. So, we decided, if that was the case, then we'd just do the baptism at my church. At this point, the baby was 8 months old so my MIL was thrilled that we were finally having a baptism at all, and we did it on Easter Sunday- so I think that helped too.

Bottom line is I think we decided to focus on a church community rather than a religion- we just wanted him to be a part of a group of people that were warm and friendly and could offer spiritual guidance and acceptance and love throughout his life- and we found that at my Lutheran church. And I can honestly say to you, that if the roles had been reversed and it was my husband's Catholic church that had the community we wanted to be a part of, we would have gone with the Catholic baptism.

Good Luck in your decision making!

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I are in the same situation, he being Catholic and me being raised UCC. Neither of us practice, and my family is not religious in the least. But still they ask, because a Baptism is more of a symbolic thing you do for a baby even if you are not a regular churchgoer. Our issue was that neither of us are from Milwaukee and so we don't have a home church. We decided to wait until our son (17 months) is old enough to decide for himself to be baptised. He goes to a Lutheran church daycare, so it is likely that he will decide to be baptised there. It is difficult for me when people ask about it, but I just explain that we don't have a church and aren't going to just do the ceremony so we can have the party. Usually that works. Good luck, and please let me know how it works out for you.

1 mom found this helpful

Nicole Dear,

I was baptized secretly by my father's godmother, as it was Soviet Union, in Estonia (my dad is Estonian). I was baptized by a Lutheran priest.
My mother, on the other hand, was Siberian Russian. Her belief was Orthodox.
At the time, none of them could attend church, as they were teachers in the University, and under the Soviet regime, they would lose their jobs.
I grew up in a 'softer' time, and I could go to church.
I loved heavenly organ music in Lutheran church.
I loved the breathtaking beauty of Orthodox church choir singing.
The world is more and more multidimensional,
as people meet, different cultures, traditions, belief systems.
They fall in love, get married, raise their children.
What do children need the most?
In all the traditions: love. This is paramount.
All the other things follow.
From multicultural diverse family, I am blessed to meet closely two cultures, to live through double blessing.
I even speak with an accent on both of the languages, Estonian and Russian.

I understand it so:
GOD IS ONE.

Different religions are like different paths
to approaching GOD.

Metaphorically speaking: GOD IS THE CAPSTONE,
and we all walk up to the mountain towards His BLESSING and LOVE.
Depending on the place, space, traditions, culture, even the climate zone religions, faiths, beliefs are different.
Yet, the goal is ONE.

Christians in India bring fruit and flowers to the altar,
Christians in Europe do not.
In Christian churches, there is organ music, but not much decoration in churches.
Catholics do not paint icons.
In Orthodox church, there is a lot of decor in churches,
and beautiful singing, but no organ music.

What is common everywhere, though, is a sincere good INTENTION to strive for better.
We all strive to improve in heart, to be wise in mind, and to help in making this world a better place to live in.

This is how I, a multicultural family kid, understand it.
I believe it is great that you and your husband, you used to go to both of your churches. It shows your UNITY on the bigger scale.

So, this is how I believe it to be right:
if a child is raised in love, with compassion, taught to think wise and never lose connection to the heart, then all is good.
If according to your inner feeling, your husband is the leader in the family, then there is nothing wrong to baptize the child so. Yet, he being wise should not not prevent (as he attended your church, he most probably will not) you from introducing the kid your approach to the world, so that the child could get THE BEST from both of you!!!

I hope I managed to 'work around' my dilemma in my life.
And, I raised my 3 children the same way.
My elder son is 25, and his wife is Chinese (a real one from Hong Kong, who came to study here, and settled = she is deep into their Chinese ancient traditions). Can you imagine the differences? They are doing great, respecting each other's ways.

It is not 'tolerance' about the other faith, it is a deep understanding and respect, what drives our communities to live together happily. Is it not so?

And please, do not be afraid of talking to your husband!
Can you share with him how you feel, trusting he will understand?
You both obviously move to the same goal, as you have a great loving family. You only take different paths in faith (to the same Goal). You can introduce the children both paths, and yet still, they will have their own choice, in life, how they exactly go. But as long as they are loving, caring, wise in their decisions to take actions, your parental duty will be fulfilled.

Look, especially in the States, at all this diversity of people meeting! There is a huge chance for this
society to be the best of the best, as so many good things meet from different cultures, with people immigrating here, sharing their 'roots'. There is also more danger, like 1992 riots in L.A. ... Kids need to be educated not to be tolerating, but compassionate, loving, sharing, in creating.

You will make it right. Listen to your heart, that loves and cares.

Let me suggest an example, on the mental level, with science:
You know, I was home schooling my sons until their 4th grade, and when presenting them a scientific information, I did not ever IMPOSE it on them that 'this is right'. I ALWAYS added one magic saying to it: "scientists think, that". Well, 'scientists' in olden times thought the earth was flat, and the Earth was in the middle of the cosmic space. Then, people started moving around more, and they became convinced that the Earth is round. Copernicus found, that the motion of planets is around the Sun, Galileo was burnt at stakes for his findings, Einstein speaks about theory of relativity and E=mc2 and it enabled spaceship traveling; and NOW, scientists say that theory of relativity does not work similarly in the open cosmic space. We have a Hubble telescope that brings in more info for scientists... and so on.
Could anybody believe only 500 hundred years ago that over a 100 people simultaneously can be transported from one continent to another in a mere 4 hours? They had no clue we will have aircrafts!!! It happened, because the inquiring mind was not considered a witchcraft worth burning at stakes anymore. Understanding came in, not intolerance to the fact that somebody thinks differently.

This is where the ability to be open and diverse in thinking helps building more comfortable life, with apartment buildings, electricity and fast communication and moving options. We like it now. We did not have none like this 500 years prior. The world has changed tremendously.

I do not touch the diversity of religious paths, as I do not know yours, but the idea is not about the changes, but about UNDERSTANDING that other paths have a right to be for different people also, that other paths may be of as much help to other people, as yours is for you. Would you agree? I know you would. You cannot raise your kids anymore (in this country especially) encapsulated, they will be meeting and seeing and needing to deal with so much diversity,
and your great family may lay a great foundation for them not to get lost in making decisions, but approach them with love, compassion and wisdom.

:) Happy holidays, Nicole and all your dear family!

1 mom found this helpful

I think this question, while a little more emotional for most people, is a much the same as a question about any tradition and or technique in raising children. You and your husband have to make a decision together and then stand firm behind it. You are the parents, you are the ones responsible for the mental/physical/emotional/spiritual well-being of your children. This may not be the easiest thing to do, but just remember that you and your husband are in charge of your own family, not your or his parents and you will be able to make decisions that you are happy with.

1 mom found this helpful

Religion is always a tricky subject in a family where there are different beliefs. My husband is a catholic, I was raised baptist but I cant say that I am the most religious person. I do think that some sort of faith is good to have and natural for a child to believe in some sort of god what ever it may be. I looked at my daughters baptism like this. I thought it was a great time to gather friends and family in the name of this little girl. So that they would be there to show their support and to help her in her religious path (which ever way it may turn). We found a pastor that wasn't affiliated with anyone one side of the family. We had meetings with her and talked about my feelings of baptism. I explained that I'm not the most religious person but do feel it's important to raise a child with a faith. I didn't want to promise to raise her in that particular faith but that i would raise her with faith. I would not have done it if i had to promise anything that I didn't think i could live up to. That we had a baptism pleased the family and that I could do it on my/our terms pleased me. We ended up having it and it was a wonderful gathering of family and friends and really meant a lot to me that so many people would show up to show their support for her and our family.

1 mom found this helpful

This is no ones buisness but yours.....

I am jewish by birth, raised christian right down to the private school I attended until the start of 4th grade, & my mom took us to church pretty regularly. I was never baptised my mom believed it was my choice and my decision, after all it was something that I would have to live with. I have choosen to do neither. I have many issues w/ organized religion. HAving said that I do expose my children to different types of religion, I have 7 altogather and most believe in god, jesus ect,.. My 15 year old says she is athiest, hard to tell with her because she is my rebellious/gothic child, but my 6 year old believes heavily in heaven and hell and god, and him and my dd will fight over religion, I must say he can hold his own against her and I have very little to do with it, I believe it comes from his friend at school who is Morman, and very active in thier church. And I am ok with that no matter which way they choose to go, you need to be sure of your decision and stand by it. Explain just what you told all of us to your husband, and your in laws, if this is still a hot topic in your house you could always look into a church that is non-denominational(sp) so that in the future your children can still be able to make there own decisions on where they stand on spirtuality and faith.

1 mom found this helpful

Maybe you should just skip all the different traditions and just find God/Jesus. He wants relationship, not religion. Read the bible and see who He really is and what He expects of us for "yourself". Most church people don't even read the bible and blindly follow a pastor/priest/rabbi who teach mostly their denominational traditions. The bible is the only standard for truth. Where is baby baptism in the bible for one? Baptism is a symbol that you are ready to give up your life to live for Him. What baby is ready for that? Having one standard for our choices (the bible) can stop all the different oppinions trying to controll you. Try asking them, "where is that in the bible"? Like tithing. wow. After reading "all" the scripture about tithing in the bible (not just Mal.3) I have found another twisted tradition. But that's another story. I am not anti-church. Just what ever church you choose, don't let it take the place of knowing God for yourself. You are accountable for teaching truth to your family not church tradition and I pray you make the right discision that will bring everyone to the truth. But maybe you need to find it for yourself first. There is truth. It is the ultimate reality not effected by what anyone believes. It will never change. It is worth everything to find. And the great news is, it can be found if you search for it with all your heart! A.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello Nicole:

My husband and I went through the same issue. I was raised Catholic and my husband was raised Anglican. I was asked by his family and mine when and what we were going to baptize our son as.
Neither of us were practicing our religions or going to church on a regular basis. We also both believe that religion is a personal decision and want our children to decide for themselves. I have to admit though we both gave in to the pressure from our families to baptize our son in a religion.
When we went for our visit to India to visit my husband's family, we had our son baptized as Anglican. This did appease both of our families. It felt odd for both of us, but we both agreed that we did want our child baptized. I admit we took the easy way out. (As a side note baptism in my husband's family is a really big deal. They had a huge party with over 150 people to celebrate it so that did influence our decision.)
We have made a decision to teach our son about all religions around the world and in the future allow him to explore his own faith. We will explain our faiths to him along with explaining the differences.
We made a decision that appeased our families along with fulfilling our wish to have him baptized. At a later time our son can make his own decision with our help and guidance.

1 mom found this helpful

Nicole, I read your post and just had to respond. Your situation is very similar to mine. My husband has two uncles who are catholic priests and his mother is very devout. My husband has gone through periods in his life where he attends church every day, but in general, he does not attend church. I became catholic when we got married basically because of pressure from the family, but I believe strongly that there is no one right or correct religion and we should all choose our own faith. I just had a conversation with my 6 year old the other day about how we might just read the bible on Christmas as a family instead of going to church. To me, God is all around, in nature, in our family, in our friends, and we don't need to go to church to feel God or to know God. Besides, my 2 year old is a terror at church and no one gets anything out of going except stress! Anyway, we baptized our sons in the catholic faith. We expose them to it through their priest great-uncles and grandmother, but I talk often to them about my beliefs too. I guess I just wanted to say I totally understand what you are going through. Whatever you decide, good luck to you.

1 mom found this helpful

I am Methodist and we celebrate an infant dedication baptism of sorts but there are many denominations who don't baptize until they are confirmed or make the decision on thier own to do so. I thought the catholic faith was one of them, but anywhoo. My brother has faced the same issue with my mom for 9 years with his kids. He opts not to baptize- they will make their own decision when they are old enough to do so. It makes my mom crazy, but it's not her choice. I would kindly say to your FIL, that you and your spouse have decided that you will not baptize your child in a faith you are not practicing, and that you understand his concerns, and as soon as you make a decision on what to do with your own faith, you will proceed with the baptism process for your child.

1 mom found this helpful

Nicole, I was raised Methodist and my 5 kids were baptized as infants. I now attend a non-denominational church and with my learnings there I feel the child should decide when he/she is old enough to understand what it means. A great thing to do first of all is choose a church for your family. Dont worry about how each of you were raised the important thing is going to church and taking your kids to learn about Jesus. To make your family happy Dedicate your children, tell the church and God that you will raise them to know the Lord and when they are older they can choose when to be baptized. God bless you in your search, it may take a while but dont give up. Email me with any questions, P.

1 mom found this helpful

Nicole, I was raised in a very religious community.
I was raised Baptist and was baptized when I was 12. I also had to attend the prominent religion in our area, because the children in the neighborhood could not play with me unless I did. I was cared for by a very strict family of Catholics, so on Sat. I attended Catacism (sp?)
At age 14, I decided that they were all nuts, because they all thought that they were the right religion.
I was agnostic for 20 years. Not believing in any organized religion or even a God.
I met a spiritual leader from a local native american tribe.
He said that he was sent to cross my path. After I had seen my sister that had passed away.
My argument to this man was constant and always his reply was that was mans interpretation. Did I think that God
would really judge his children for some of the things that I had been brain washed into thinking. He was right.
Man has interpreted guilt into all of us.
Did your father condem you when you triped and fell or did he lift you up and love you even more.
In all the square boxes I attended, I never felt spirit like I feel now. How badly I feel for people that attend the box all their lives and never feel as fulfilled as I.
I have 2 grown children and have never allowed them to go to the box. I always have shown them what is right and wrong. They should always come second to someone that needs more than them. Never judge anyone. It takes all kinds to make this diverse universe that we live in. And be kind and gentle, you will always receive the same from other people.
Both my children know that they have loving spirits that cradle them in bad times as well as good times. If they are in need, they can always pray and it will seem to work out.
I do not make them believe that there is even a God. That is entirely up to them. Spirit is not something that I think can be taught. I feel that you have to experience fulfillment on your own.
Just remind your children to look around and see everything that we could not create on our own.
If all else fails, dig deep down in your heart and pray.

1 mom found this helpful

I grew up going to a Presbyterian church but started to question everything while going through the confirmation process around age 13. It wasn't until I had children that I started to seriously think about what I believe, what I don't believe, and what I want to teach my children. Like you, I want my children to explore different faiths and chose a way to have a relationship with God that feels right to them. We do not take our children to church, in large part because we do not want to attend, but we also don't think they're old enough to discern for themselves what's a universal truth and what is just church dogma.

My first child was baptized because I was still in the "sorting beliefs out" phase and did what I thought the family expected. The pastor there confirmed and married me, we had a good rapport, and I felt very comfortable with my decision to baptize. My second child was baptized primarily because her sister was. I was still sorting through my beliefs, but was starting to realize I don't really resonate with Christianity. There was a new pastor at the church when my 2nd was baptized. He's far more dogmatic than the one I grew up with and really rubbed me the wrong way. So much so that I severed all ties with the church. I have a 3 child that I have no intention of baptizing. I did think about a non denominational blessing/naming ceremony but never got around to it and now that my daughter is 2, I don't think it is going to happen.

My inlaws have never mentioned baptism so I've never been in your situation. At least, not yet. ;-) And, unlike your inlwas, my husband's parents and step parents are not actively involved in a church. (The aunts and uncles are another story though.) You probably need to talk to your husband before you respond to your father inlaw in detail. For now, you could just say that you and your husband haven't discussed it yet but intend to. Surely they know you and your husband don't attend church? I think it's probably best to be honest and say you 2 are still sorting out your feelings/beliefs. Perhaps, for now, just knowing that it's something you're thinking about will be enough to satisfy them for awhile. If you do decide against baptism, let your husband be the one to tell them.

1 mom found this helpful

As you said, you first need to discuss this with your husband.
My advice is for both of you to consider what you want for your sons and try to make the decision as though you had no pressure or expectation from anyone else. Easier said than done, I realize. Next you have to talk about how important or not other people's opinions are to you. As is obvious from other responses, for some people the where or when of baptism is not as important to them personally as it is to their families and they are able to compromise to make everyone happy. If you are comfortable with that, then great. However, it sounds like if you were, you would have already done that. So, if you and your husband make a decision that is contradictory to his family's wishes, you should make a united front and say, "thank you for your concern, but *we* have decided that this is how we would like to raise *our* sons" in as nice a way as possible. After all, they are probably only asking because they want the best for your sons and their expectations are based on what they are used to. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are opposed to other ways.

1 mom found this helpful

Nicole,

Have you explored the idea of a dedication? Thus, you basically dedicate the child(ren) to God but, you don't have to nessarily committ to one faith or the other. Just athought.

A.

1 mom found this helpful