How to Handle a Very Bossy and Contrary 4 Year Old?

I posted recently about "4 year old getting out of control". My 4 year old daughter is also going through a bossy and contrary stage, made worse when she's tired. I am working on quick consequences so she knows the behavior is inappropriate. We don't have other kids, so she was bossing ME and I've had to put my foot down. It doesn't stop the tantrum when she is in full swing but she knows next time that she will get a time out/toy taken away and she is getting better control of herself. I think you are dealing well with it; it seems to be part of the age but it needs to be corrected.

My son is simmilar and to curb it I have been trying to watch who all in the house, including myself, has simmilar bossiness and actions... turns out he is projecting what he sees from all of the adults in the house! I can not control what Gma, Gpa, Uncle or Daddy do, but I can comment gently and watch myself. In regards to handleing it I would say a standard "time out" from the activity so she may calm down and re think the situation and her actions.

I know I'm a little late to this party, but it sounds like you have a future leader on your hands!

Help her channel all that intellect and energy. I HIGHLY recommend the book, "You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. I also had a high maintenance, contrary 4 year old daughter. I read this book and it completely changed the way I interacted with her. What a difference!! She is 6 years old and a pure delight now.

Best of luck to you and your precious kids!!

Good suggestions here.

I actually met a child just like that, at a park once....a girl, and my children and all the other kids, were avoiding her too and talking about her in 'icky' terms.

She has to be explained to... that her 'bossy' behavior is not good. And corrected right away. My Eldest sibling was like that, and even today as an adult... she is still real.... bossy. She has lost many friends that way and has had many childhood friend problems and angst... because of her MEGA bossy and arrogant attitude. So yes, it is good... to correct this in your Daughter.... when young. Otherwise, they develop an attitude later, that is harder to manage. Or they develop and attitude of 'entitlement.' And that is not good either.

Sure, it may be her age... BUT... in her case, it is causing MUCH problems with your younger child ( him crying because of it) and at the park even kids avoid her. So, yes, it is a problem....

The only way to stop it... is DO NOT ALLOW IT.
Put her in time out.
If she tantrums...SO what. You... have to be able to ride it out... and let the tantrum happen/tune it out... until she self-deflates. A child... WILL deflate on their own... ya know. AND talk to her....

I HATED growing up under the thumb of my eldest sibling. She was Bossy..... to the nth degree. As I said, even as an Adult... she is still that way. She has not learned.... to control it. And then wonders, why.... so many people avoid her or why she is lonely.

She also should be napping, as the other poster said.
She also needs repercussions for her bossying and tantrums
She also needs... correction right away. And I don't mean negotiating/debating/talking long winded to her... just swift action. Telling her RIGHT away "THAT is not acceptable. NO bossy talk.." then put her in a corner.

You ALSO have to teach your younger child, how to... stand up to her. To say NO to her... to tell you when she is being difficult and wrong... to stand up to her. DO NOT EVER, teach him that he 'has to' do what his sister says, just because she is older. That is the WRONG message.

Your Husband... also has to realize... how this is not good.... for any child.... for her or your younger child to grow up with a uber bossy sibling.

I HATED, as a child... being near my eldest sibling. She was so bossy.... so bossy. And it was not in a good way.

One day... your "Son" will grow up and be bigger and stronger than his sister... and if he gets mad enough... he will punch the lights out of her.
She has to watch out... she has a Brother.
My daughter has a brother. She likes bossying him too sometimes... and I told her, when he gets bigger he ain't gonna put up with her... that her behavior IS NOT CUTE anymore... and he will punch her, as boys are stronger. She didn't believe it... but NOW.... (my son is 4), my son DEFENDS himself against her... and she got nailed one time. And she cried. She learned, 'little brother' is STRONG. He has a very vocal voice... and physicality, that she does not have.
We don't encourage physical harm of course with our kids... but, one time my son just could not take it anymore, and he just punched my daughter. Boys. Will. One day.

In any case.. we tell my daughter, her being bossy is NOT cute, IT IS not acceptable, that brother is FAMILY... and she better stop it or she will be denied... everything anytime. My daughter was not real bossy, just sometimes, but I did not want her to turn into those chronically Bossy older siblings... like I had.

Tell your daughter, her behavior is not good. No one likes it. Her brother does NOT have to listen to her nor you nor anyone. That she is not allowed to do that.

When she is awful to her brother and he cries.... go to HIM, and take him away. Say to her "we are going over there. You cannot play nicely. He is hurt and crying. He does not want to be near you now. Do NOT boss him...."
You NEED to teach you son, how to stand up to her, and defend himself by speaking up.

Nip it in the bud.

all the best,
Susan

I think you are doing a great job, but your husband needs to be on the same page so the house is consistant. He needs to re-word how he tells her to watch him. I know he just wants her to keep him safe, but that is not how he leaves it. He needs to state Call me right away if he gets hurt. Don't let him eat anything bad. something more spacific then Watch him.

corner for bossiness and negative comments everytime.sounds to me like she still needs naps. when she gets this way. i make mine lay down everytime he misbehaves and he usually goes to sleep within 5 minutes. but we do the corner first.

First, I would disagree with the poster suggesting you seek a diagnosis for oppositional defiance disorder. Your daughter is WAY too young to have such an extreme diagnosis.

I grew up with an older sister like this, and my mother did nothing about it. The poster is correct who said when your son gets bigger he's going to hit back. That's what happened with me and my sister. We are adopted, and when we hit puberty I ended up 5" taller than her. Then I hit her back when she was horrid, and things improved. I still don't get along with her, and she also has a lot of problems with friends, but then again, my parents did NOTHING to help her as a child. Her behavior was not redirected, and she did not get any kind of counseling.

I would look into sensory processing issues. Sometimes children with sensory processing disorder require things to be just so, and it drives them batty when situations are not within their control. The example of her telling her brother he HAD to finish would tell me your daughter requires that a routine be set and stuck with. It may not have anything to do with her being bossy, it has to do with her needing things predictable. You might want to pick up the book The Out of Sync Child and see if it sounds like her.

Hugs to you. Being a mom of a "not easy" child is a challenge. I know first-hand. Make sure to do something to take care of yourself.

B.

Check out on the web 'oppositional defiance disorder'. Check out the website by Ross Greene, then go get the books he has written, (The Explosive Child and Lost at School) at the library. Sounds a lot like my son, and he has ODD. You can't have the expectation that just by telling her to stop she will stop, she has a compulsion to be contrary - this doesn't sound like a phase. Now you need to teach her the skills to correct her disability.
Good Luck!

Hi!
I agree it is important to redirect and give consequences because behavior can be shaped. What she sees modeled for her is also a biggie because at her age, that is how she learns best. It sounds as if her demands are beyond unreasonable and not necessarily linked to being tired or any other factor. I am a behaviorist and some of what you write leads me to think there may be more going on for her.
Generally, I don't advocate for all the overdiagnosing we tend to do, but I have to wonder if your daughter is simply unable to read social cues. It really might be helpful to have her seen by a therapist to begin a process. Since she is 4, she might also benefit from play therapy to help her work through some of the issues being rejected brings up and how to make different choices for herself. Depending on what the therapist discovers they might reccommend an evaluation which could be helpful in diagnosing something like Asperger's. Or, the extra support might be enough to help her redirect her energy. Even if there is a diagnosis, at least you would know how to support her in her learning so that the impact of her challenges are minimized throughout her life rather than have them become insurmountable.
Try the Pasadena Child Development Associates, Inc. My ex and I were looking into nutritional counseling for our daughter, then I reccommended it to a family member for their daughter with special needs. They really look as if they are very thorough and can address many needs.
Good luck and don't despair. You asked for help because you love your daughter and want the best for her.

"If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.".
Repeat it as often as you need to until she understands she needs to think about what she says before she says it.
Kids blurt out what they think for several years before they learn to self edit.