How to Handle 15Mnth Old Throwing Tantrums and Hitting

Hi,
I'm a mom and a parent educator and wanted to let you know that before you read what I have to say.

Thank you for not spanking, you are correct it sends the wrong message. And your husband is correct, you son needs to know that he can’t hit. And your son needs all of this information sent to him at HIS level of learning so he can really understand “no hitting” Using only words or just timeout will NOT work well at such a young age. I do have something that will, see below.

15 months is THE TIME when children begin to test limits and one thing that can appear is hitting. This is completely normal. What seems hard is the frequency of the hitting and the amount of times you will need to redirect or correct his behavior during this time.

This developmental stage REQUIRES that parents remain calm, and DO NOT expect the hitting to stop just because they say so or send a child to timeout.
The reason is: the hitting the child is doing is motivated by something completely different than you think.
The hitting the child is doing is to prove to himself that his parents will provide boundaries, the same boundaries over and over again.
This is a trust event, not a punishment event. Let me explain.

Imagine your 15 month old in a dark room with no windows or doors. The child would be terrified. At some point, because he is the brilliant child you know him to be, he finds the strength to stand up and see if there are any doors in this place. As soon as he finds the walls he relaxes a bit. Then he feels panic again and needs to see if the walls are still there so he finds his way back to walls, ah security!

This is exactly what is going on inside of your child. Only he is playing it out with hitting.
He feels secure each time you show him, yes I will stop you when you do this, every time.
And when you provide this security. He relaxes and then he does it again. Children this age internally need reassurances again and again before they hit the bold and brash stage during the 2’s.

Another piece to this is the confusion the child gets when he see a reaction on your face.
He misinterprets the frustration and becomes delighted by the attention. Then he becomes surprised by your correction, yet feels secure by the correction at the same time. You can see why he needs to do this so many times in order figure out all the components.
That’s the basic idea of what's going on.

The method I suggest to show him No Hitting:
You’ll need to instruct him at the toddler level in order for him to understand and move on.
If you go to my website, www.proactiveparenting.net, and choose seminar #1 from the online store you’ll learn all the step-by-step details to implement a wonderful new way to stop hitting and change behavior in really young children. Good Luck.
The Mommie Mentor

2 moms found this helpful

No...it is not ok to hit mommy! It's not ok for mommy to hit baby!
It is not ok to hit daddy,anyone or any animal for that mater.
Does your son see this in real life such as parents,neighbors,friends,tv?
Get down to his eye level when you speak to him. It does make a difference!
My 1 year old would cry and hold her breath so long she would pass out! We would literally catch her so she wouldn't hurt herself.We would lie her down and when she awoke.... mom and dad were busy doing something else and not responding to her tantrum.
She stopped. No response from her mom and dad.
Give him chalk in the back yard so he can draw. I let my girls paint snails shells with floresent washable paint so they could see them at night.
Not everything works for every child...keep on trying mommy.It is apparent you care.
This too shall pass.... then it will be on to the next thing. So mom.... Don't let your blood pressure get too high.
Take him outside and turn on the hose low...let him plant and take care of a special plant.
My mother came to my house one day and helped my girls plant some seeds. The girls watered, watched and waited.
One day my mom came over with some marigolds and planted them where the girls had been so diligent in watering their precious seeds. They were so surprised and happy to see what had come from the ground.They love gardening to this day.
Everyday with your son will be the same but some what different.Be grateful he is normal!!! hug him lots and always!! Being a mom is over so fast and you can't figure out where the time has gone.
So calm down and know he is normal and has much more energy than you.
One day he will grow up and thank you when he has his own children.
Grandma Honey xoxoxoxox

1 mom found this helpful

You're right on the money about not spanking, that is a double standard: "you can't hit, but grown-ups can." I'd suggest that all parents should read a book called Parenting With Love and Logic. You are doing well with putting him in time out. Now try taking it a step further by saying something like "I only let children who are nice play with this toy" and then take it away for the day if he hits. Or "I only give nice kids a drink, please don't hit me" Or "you have two choices, play nice, or the toy is gone." The book goes into details for specific ages, those above are from my memory, as my friend has borrowed my copy. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

S.,

When my daughter was 15 months old, we were living with my mom, so I was overly worried about my daughter getting into Grandma's stuff. She started playing with the telephone, so when she would reach for it we would lightly slap her hand. Within a day, she started slapping our hands! Needless to say I learned that there should be no double standard.

I later received training and have been teaching parenting education classes, specifically on how to deal with toddlers. First off, tantrums are one of the main topics we cover. Your son's behavior is completely normal. He is frustrated because of his lack of communication skills. He knows what he wants, but can't tell you. It is not spoiling to ignore a tantrum, but that is actually the best way to deal with them. It IS spoiling a child to give in to the tantrum. The best thing to do is to help him communicate what he wants. Put into words for him what he wants as best you can, and ignore the tantrum part, for what he is really after is more attention. He will soon learn that crying does not get him what he wants. Also, distraction works well for this age. Give him a cracker first while you are getting his milk. When you see him getting frustrated, do something different and try to avoid the situation altogether. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

My oldest son sounds like he was very similar to yours. He is very energetic and would get bored. There is some good advice here, but mine would be to wear him out! Get outside as much as you can and let him run. We lived in an apartment and couldn't always go outside since we had no backyard and I started teaching him to run in circles in the living room. It must sound silly, but it really helped (and usually assured a good nap, too!) When He got older we started making it a game- playing freeze, going backwards, skipping and others. Good luck, I know how hard it can be!

1 mom found this helpful

S.,
Good job on the not hitting! I have several times watched mothers or fathers deal with their children's aggression by slapping their hands or spanking them, while saying "NO HITTING!" I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I have spanked the 4 year old about 3 times in his life, and the 2 year old once. All were times when they were behaving in ways that were a serious danger to themselves (i.e. running off in a parking lot) and I wanted to shock them into remembering the lesson. I didn't hurt them, but they were super shocked! And did remember it. Spanking often causes it to loose it's effectiveness. And in my way of thinking, if physical strength is the only way I can control my boys, boy am I in trouble when they're teenagers! They're going to be big! :)
I think time outs, calmness on your part, and not giving them what they're throwing a fit for is the best solution. When my son went through his hitting phase, I would tell him that I loved him but he couldn't be with us if he was going to mistreat us, and put him in his crib or playpen and leave the room. How long depended on him. Since I'm not in the habit of hitting, it was easier for me to tell him that we don't hit people we love.
Good luck, and hang in there!
B. S

1 mom found this helpful

A child that has temper tantrums is usually a child that is frustrated and often when overtired and/or hungry. Dont let him get overtired or hungry. Frustration often comes when a child doesnt feel any sense of control over their lives. Giving him choices so he feels he has some control may be helpful. Both choices need to be acceptable to you. The book, "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" will be helpful. THe video set of the same name is even better.

1 mom found this helpful

My 15 months old is doing the same thing, but pretty much only with me or if I am around. She is great if I am not around. I actually thought it was due to be being 34 weeks pregnant, but maybe it is just them testing us. She already acts like she is going through the terrible 2s. I guess we need to try to teach them how to express their frustration without temper tantrums and hitting. Easier said then done I am sure.

good morning... my son was the same way... he had and still does have, a lot of energy and like you I tried to keep him as active as possible. I found that with time out it only worked if he was strapped into something so that he couldn't move. I put his booster seat from the table in a secluded spot and then I would put him in it and tell him why he was there and then set the timer and walk away. after the min or so then I would take him out and tell him that if he hit again then he would be back for a very long time. You have to get in their face and hold there cheeks and speak very firmly when you say no and you have to do it all the time!!! That worked for us and we still do it and he is 3, minus the booster seat. Hope that helps!!!

We have had the same with our daughter at around the same time. I agree that spanking would not help, but consistent consequences like time out do work. The key is consistency : ) Eventually he will get it, but it may take a little while. It sounds like you are doing everything right already.
We also found that her behaviour got worse when she got tired, so we got better in regards to nap schedules. When she was (and is) well rested, her fuse is not as short.

Hopefully this helps!
D.

I had the exact same problem with my son when he was right around 20 months old. He is a very high maintenance child. Always having to be entertained, or he would be whinny and start throwing himself on the ground. VERY STRESSFUL!!!

We tried the whole in the corner thing, would work only some of the time. Child care centers in our area are NOT allowed to use time out. I read, and I cant remember where, but strong willed children need to be disaplined in very non traditional ways. Spanking does not work, and never will with these children. Most of the time you have to take what the child wants, example his toy, a fun activity. You have to get down to their level explain to them that when you hit your mommy/daddy/friends/cat, it makes us sad, You dont hit. My son likes to push my babysitters little girl. I also explain to him that you dont push your fiends. Explain to him if you want to say Hi, say hi. Then I show the example to him.

Here lately he is really whinny, so I tell him you are going to bed if you dont stop whinning. Give him only one warning, when he does it again, I walk him to his room, and kindly explain to him that when he can get up when he stops whinning. A little later he comes back, if he is whinny again, I take him right back. Most of the time he falls asleep, or he comes back not whinny.

I was completly frustrated with him hitting, and being whinny. I have found these few ideas to be helpful for us.

Some quality time on the floor playing with him and his toys has helped too. Comforting him when he is being good, is a good time to comfort him, maybe not when he is hitting or throwing a fit, might send the wrong message. If I am bad, mommy will comfort me.

Good luck, and remember the bad days will pass like the good ones do.

We did numerous daily timeouts with our daughter when she behaved the same way. She also threw items at us. We started taking the thrown items away for the entire day...keeping them in plain view on top of the tv until the next morning when she could claim them again. With hitting, just keep telling him no, keep up the timeouts, and if he has a prized possession like the blankie then put it in timeout for a specific amount of time (like 15 minutes) and increase it if needed.
Good luck! We know how frustrating it can get!

Oh yeah, it's normal. My son is going through it. I agree with the no spanking thing. They aren't doing it to be malicious. Respond calmly, and without giving in to their behavior, and then they learn the right and wrong ways to deal with things. It just takes time. When my son acts like that, I tell him I understand he's unhappy, but that mommy isn't going to be able to help him until he calms down (my son is 16 months). When he does, I figure out the root of the problem and deal with it. He'll get the idea :)

There are lots of good responses here. I especially agree with the lack of communication skills suggestions - this age does get frustrated because they are getting so smart and so aware, but their language is not necessarily keeping up. My son is newly 3 and trying out his hitting phase. I just keep putting him in time out, and, to a reasonable extent, add a minute every time he gets there so that's a longer time out every time. I have to be vigilant so that I catch him every time so that he knows it's unacceptable. I disagree that spanking is hitting. Hitting is a angry reaction - spanking is a deliberate discipline on a specific part of the body for a specific action.

Hi! I had a step daughter that sounds similar. We ended up going to a Psychologist and she recommended the book "1 2 3 MAGIC". It worked wonders for us! But, in the same time, her dads parenting skills needed polishing up too, so he had bi weekly sessions on how to change his anger and how to deal with his daughter. But over all, the book is easy reading, and you can start using it right away! Good luck

This is totally normal behavior, but how you handle it will determine if it continues and gets worse or he figures out it won't help him get his way.
I wouldn't tell him no and I wouldn't punish him. Time outs are really suited more for kids that are a bit older. When you see him hit, I would grab his hand and hold it steady till the energy slows down and he stops fighting. Then tell him hitting isn't allowed and in a stern voice tell him that's not nice, no hitting. Our pediatrician told us when my daughter was 15 mo old they do have some ability to understand right from wrong. After telling our daughter NO one time, we were told to remove her from the situation. If she did it again, we were advised to give her a gentle reminder by tapping her hand and saying NO and explaining the reason.
Parenting isn't a science, you have to do what feels best to you.
Check out Proactive Parenting..she has a seminar coming up next week in Tempe. This may help you too. I went to one of her seminars and it helped A LOT!!

Hi S. - that sounds like a tough situation and I'm wondering if your 15 month old has any communication issues? I have 2 sons, one 2 and one is 10mos and both of them have frustration issues with toys and other things when they feel like they could not get the desired result. I don't really believe in hitting them because I feel as though what I'm really doing is punishing them for not having enough communication skills to adequately voice their frustration. I will pinch my 2yr old occasionally when he is being especially bad...he doesn't really know what I'm doing b/c I go for the back of the leg or arm and of course I'm not leaving marks or anything...just getting his attention enough to let him know what he is doing is unacceptable. I'm pretty solid on the ignoring thing but I do take the time to tell my kids (even though they can't understand) in a calm voice whatever it is they need to hear i.e.; mommy can't hold you right now, that toy doesn't open, and/or ask them what it is they want and really try to figure it out by pointing, using signs and words, etc. adn then go back to ignoring their crying. It has been a long road with my 2 year old but he is finally starting to get the picture. If your child has a hard time communicating, you might try getting a simple sign book and taking him around the house regularly showing him things and what their sign is or showing him how to open/close certain toys or showing how to play with them and what they actually do. The Baby Einstein "Baby Wordsworth" is good for the signing too...my 2 year old is getting pretty good at it and it's really adorable. Good luck, I know I don't have any ultimate advice but it sounds like you are doing the right thing...hang in there and definitely keep up with comforting and talking to and not hitting your son...your husband is crazy if he thinks that trying to communicate calmly with a child is spoiling him.

Hi S.,

You're doing the right thing. Just remember that how long that a time out should be is just the childs age (like your son-1 minute). When my 3 year old son is throwing a temper tantrum, I tell him either to drop the little "attitude" or he goes to his room for a time out. Most of the time that works, but for the times that it doesn't, he goes to his room. I just take him in there and walk out and shut the door. Now, my son HATES it when I ignore him, so usually within a couple of minutes he calms right down. After his tantrum is done, I have him say "Sorry" to everyone that was around at the time and he has to give everyone a hug as well. This REALLY helps! This is something that you might want to try to do to see if it helps your little guy. I hope that this suggestion will work for you!

I.

Dear S.,

This is normal 15-month-old behavior. Frustration is parmount, as he does not understand why everything he wants does not happen instantaneously. You are doing the right thing. Just be firm in your short time-outs, so that he knows his reactions are not acceptable behavior, then follow by the best explanation you can give for why he is in "time-out" (or if he cries a lot call it "chill out), at his level (mentally and physically) and big hugs. If you say too many "no"s he will just learn to mimic that on everything you want him to do, so look for alternatives, like "What are you doing?" or "Do not say that to me and Daddy," or even, "That's not acceptable." Gradually he will become more patient and less frustrated with you as age and experience teach him that things take time and that some things are not good for him, because you LOVE him.
K.

I think you're on the right track with the time-outs. Be persistant. I've always like the reward system as well. It doesn't have to be a toy or food, it can be anything he really likes (maybe time with mom or dad or watch a favorite movie, etc.). Or you can take away a favorite toy and give it back only when his behavior improves. If you want to use a toy as a motivator, you can buy something he's been wanting and show it to him but put it away until he "earns" it.

Good luck!

The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears is amazing! I started using the techniques when my son turned 1, and so far he is a great kid. He wants to please us and make us happy, so listens when we want him to stop doing something.

Hi S.,
I think you are right about the spanking. Here is a link to a webpage that has some good ideas about how to tame the hitting child:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063900.asp#T062400.

As you see, it's on the Ask Dr Sears website. If the link doesn't work, just go to www.askdrsears.com, click on "discipline and behaviour" in the navigation area, and then "biting and hitting" under "Bothersome Behaviour".

Hi S., I know that you have already received oodles of advice but here a little more (just in case :o).

It is true that there is something about that age that makes it hard for him to wait for something or deal with not getting his way. But with kids this young sometimes timeouts alone can be counter productive, only because if his problem is with you or something that you have said, than he has found a way to get you to leave him alone. Eventually he will know that all he has to do is wait out the punishment and than he can do what ever he wants.

If you need to separate him from the situation so he ( or you) can calm down then afterwards have him come back and make amends. He needs to apologize to the offended-(Sorry,Daddy I broke your remote- Sorry, Kitty, that I hit you). He needs to clean it, fix it,or pat it. By this I mean pick up what he knocked over, and try to put it right again. As far as patting he should gently touch you or even the cat to make up.
Take his hand and touch it to your face draw it along your cheek and say "Gentle hands, show Mama gentle hands".And when he does praise him.

Yes, this takes longer than just putting him in a corner to deal with things by himself. He is only fifteen months old so emotions and physical feelings are to much for him to handle alone. Replace the "bad" behavior with "good". Just telling him to stop one thing doesn't give him other things to do. And he is too small to come up with other options on his own.
It is hard and maybe he isn't talking much yet but it important. He can use whatever means he uses communicate now. If he can demand juice or a toy than he is old enough to say sounds for sorry. This way he realizes that what he does affects others and that other people are important too.

Some moms have said that if they make their child apologize when he doesn't FEEL it than it is fake and doesn't count. I say that if you wait till he FEELS it than you might have to wait forever. A farmer doesn't irrigate his field by waiting until a stream FEELS like going his way. He directs its path by changing the obstacles it its way. A child's will is the same it doesn't need to be broken just redirected.

The more time you spend with him down on the floor playing will help more than distancing yourself from him, than the less trouble you will have with whining too.

He is a lucky little guy to have a mommy who loves him so much. Keep up the good work I know it is hard but it is so worth it,
S. :o)

nothing wrong with a spanking not to hard but firm enough he'll learn

First of all talk to you Doctor. This could be too much sugar an allergy to gluten or almost anything else. Tantrums usually don't start this young but...
BE FIRM with him. If you give him a command stick to your guns and don't relent. A pediatrician told a friend of mine to grab her son by the shirt and scream in his face..sounds mean but is also shows who is the boss. YOU. Kids learn quite early how to get what they want so your job is not to let them NO matter what. Hang in there. GOD Bless you all.