November 26, 2008,
S.F. asks from Westborough, MA on November 24, 2008
How to Get Through This Impasse?
My husband is a wonderful father and partner, but an issue that has been existent to some extent since we dated has gotten worse over time and since the birth of our son. Essentially my husband and I never go out on dates. We visit family, we do things together with our son, but nothing just together. I am all too aware that without the focus on the love we had that started this family, our connection could cease to grow and that would be really devastating to me. I have talked to him about it in a non-emotional manner and I am absolutely SURE that I have conveyed the importance of this to me without being "hysterical" about it. When I bring it up, instead of making a plan, he gets offended and says and says I "don't have any faith in him" or that he is "doing the best he can". Granted, he works very long hours and he comes home to be a great father and has done as much as he can to help me get the sleep and care I have needed with this pregnancy. BUT we have quite literally been on a date twice this past year and I feel as if I am begging for something that he should also be begging for! I am confident that he is not ashamed of being seen with me :), but somehow in his mind he has no energy left for the thing I deem one of the most important and I have started feeling pretty sad/angry about it. I would appreciate any suggestions for helping us get past this block. Thank you so much.
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E.B. answers from San Luis Obispo on November 25, 2008
I agree with Carla, hang in there. Your hormones are on overdrive right now and you can deal with this after the new baby comes. Your husband sounds like a good man, and a typical male, they don't always see how serious somethings are to us. I am very happy for you in regards to your marriage, son, and future child. Having a husband that has a way with his and your child, that makes you love him more is saying a lot about his character. It sounds like you have many years of happiness ahead of you two.
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C.S. answers from Las Vegas on November 24, 2008
Relationships are tough and go through their different bouts of ups and downs. Sometimes we are in synch with our hubbies and the love is in the air and sometimes it is a miss and one of us is longing for that relationship and romance while the other for whatever reason shows no interest. I think it is something that happens to all of us and we just have to hang in there and take into consideration what we have and how much we are willing to accept these times.
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J.S. answers from Los Angeles on November 25, 2008
That's awesome you want to be your hubby's girlfriend. Life happens and my hubby and I don't get out as much as I would like. So take the bull by the horn and plan your dates-don't wait for him. Set up romantic evenings with a late dinner, shower and massages after your son is asleep. Get a sitter or have the kids over to a relatives. If I didn't, we'd rarely get out either. My honey is quite content to be home hanging with our munchkins which is hard to fault him for. It's and easy fix and something not worth fretting over. Make some plans and have some fun. happy pushing!
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J.L. answers from San Diego on November 25, 2008
Hi S., what you need to do is plan a date for you and your husband, plan a dinner just for the 2 of you at home since he is tired and works long hours, put the litle one to bed early, or ask someone to keep him over night for you, and have a candle lit dinner. I did this many years ago for a annivarsary, we were in housing so we had a 2 story house, I put the kids to bed, my husband went to the martial arts studio and while he was gone, I broiled wsome staeaks decorated the coffee table with candles and our good china and crystal, I pumped up the air mattres down in the living room, he got home we had a great dinner, we made love in the living room, and it was one of the niceset annivarsaries we ever had, and he loved that I planned it. after this prayfully he will see the need for time/dates for just the 2 of you. J. L.
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S.H. answers from Honolulu on November 26, 2008
Many men often feel at a loss or insecure about what to say, when their wife comes to them with these kinds of concerns/problems/complaints.
his responding with saying you "don't have any faith in him" or that he is "doing the best he can", is the clue. Granted, he works very long hours and he comes home to be a great father and has done as much as he can to help you get the sleep and care you have needed with this pregnancy. BUT you both have never been on a "date" in awhile.
To each person, "love" & expectations is shown in different ways. To him probably, he IS doing a good job of being a Husband and partner. He does after all, seem to be doing his share of being a member of the family, a Dad, and a Husband in "caring" for you and the kids. Lots of men do "not" do this and are not so attentive. So that is commendable of your Husband. Give him praise for that... Men, need that. They need feedback too, on what makes us "happy."
But you feel upset about him not going out with you on dates. That is also understandable and natural to feel. I think basically, the 2 of you need time away...just to be by yourselves... so get a babysitter, plan it, put it in your calendar schedule every month even, and have a date. YOU can plan it too... since your Hubby seems not very adept at it. And that's fine.
Lots of times I find, that couples have differences in their "ideals" of what "love" is, and what "they" need to feel special and noticed. So, just allow for these differences, while at the same time being a "team" about it... and accepting the advances and gestures that your spouse DOES do... otherwise, if a spouse feels that they are not noticed for their good "deeds" then they won't do them anymore or will just feel under appreciated. You don't want that to creep into a marriage. So just appreciate what he DOES do...then simply add to it in a positive way... and you may very well have to be the one that plans your "date" nights. It's okay. Some men work and toil so much that they literally cannot think or come up with ideas because they are so busy in their heads with being the bread-winner. It's okay.
So YOU just make the "date" plans, and then get the babysitter, and then you both go and have fun. BUT keep in mind that having a "date" when there wasn't many before, can take "practice" and you will both probably have to get to know each other again, without the kids, and ease into it. Do NOT expect to be swept off your feet right away... just savor any moment you can on your dates... and just enjoy being in the moment. I find, that if you expect a miraculous dream of a "date" right away... you may be in for a let down... because Hubby has to transition too, to another role of being the focus of attention too, and of needing to just "be" the two of you.
Good luck, no fret, and it will be okay. Just allow for it to be and create a date to happen.
All the best,
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D.M. answers from Los Angeles on November 25, 2008
Right now, I am thinking about how much I was in your position while pregnant with my son. His Dad and I never married because, we let a situation like yours get out of hand and I shut down and gave up.
At this point, we have an amazing two year old who is the best thing either of us has ever done, but our relationship has never been great since we split when I was still pregnant.
As a result of a custody battle, we have been going to Communication Therapy for the last two months, and the last time we agreed that had we both been brave enough to admit we needed help, and gotten therapy then,we might not have split. So, my little piece of advice is maybe suggest getting some constructive outside help. I don't think your at the point where I was at when I packed my bags and left, but it sounds like how I felt...alone, sad and just really feeling like I could use a minute out and about to share a meal.
I know a lot of it was hormones, but for me it was something that began after we'd been together for a years...no more dates, dancing, dinner was all a thing of the past...and, he'd go out with friends and if I complained it was me 'overreacting'.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful father, and I wouldn't discount that he does want to spend time with you...he just needs a little guidance.
Good luck and wish you the best with your little family!
E.L. answers from Los Angeles on November 25, 2008
Always a a DAYE TIME ! no matter if you have a hire a sitter . Don't get old and just norture your kids. You have to remember that still be a couple & husban wife.
Don't suggest ! PLAN THE WEEKEND TRIP and tell him honey : pack & be available on Saturday at 10:00
go to Madonna's Inn in San Liuis Obispo - great food , diner , and swimming pool - it's a WOW .... VENUE for a romantic get away ! find the team room you want ! it's a bit costly but you can't replaced memOries ! go to wineries ! the lobby has sugggestion of the locations my fave is WOLFF VINEYARD & SAUSALITO , Castoro .
Go to Pismo Beach dtwn. cheap hotels - got to Srfs cafe for Bread bowl clam chowder , steamed calms * etc. for cheap price . it's popular place .
or bring the kids to in laws - have wine, candles rose petals all over your house, get a lingerie at victoria secret . - surprised him ! and get him excited . otherwise - life will pass you by and get old and bored.
get creative and explore your life !
Go to downtown San luis obispo - Mother's tavern Sunday ! has a live band - swing dancing , good bar & aweosme crowd.
check the bubble gum alley - it's free.
check out my my space site
www.myspace .com /eleanor71 i have the my weekend trips pic there.
i am a single parent mother of 3 kids