How to Get over EX

My ex is like this. When we first split up for the first 2 years he didn't date anyone and cared less whether or not he saw his son then he dated this girl and he all of a sudden wanted my oldest all the time. Well it turned out that she had a son close to his age so they occupied each other so they didn't have to sit down and play w/ them. He split up briefly w/ her this summer and started ignoring his son again and then started dating her again this fall and started wanting to see him again.
My only piece of advice is that if he wants to be a dad let him but do not let him yoyo your child back and forth being there/not being there/ being there..... that's worse then not being there at all. I keep conversations w/ his dad as short as possible so that they remain civil. I usually put a note w/ all my concerns I had that week about him/ any meds he is on, homework, sports, etc in it for him so that I don't have to sit there and tell him every little thing bc I quite frankly would rather not speak w/ the @$$.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K. -

Frankly it sounds like your ex wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I think what works best is that you are civil to each other. But friends? No. It doesn't sounds like he is much of a friend to you anyway. Friends don't leave a marriage to start a new relationship. Friends don't lack involvement with their children. It sounds like a friendship with him would benefit him but only confuse you. Who needs that? I am sure you have other sources of friendship.

I would encourage him to have a relationship with his children (apart from you). I would be civil to him and have conversations with him about your children and nothing more.
This is the only contact he needs to have with you.

If his foster mom wants a friendship with his girlfriend, there is very little you can do about that (other than express your feelings to her). She is probably feeling "in the middle" of the whole situation.

Keep your focus on your kids, your job, your other friendships. Keep yourself busy. Spend your time on things that make YOU happy. This will help keep your thoughts and attention away from your ex. It will get easier as time goes on.

Good Luck,
T. Y
SAHM of almost 4 (9yrs, 7yrs, 22 months and 33 weeks pregnant with baby #4)

Getting over someone can be very difficult. Especially when you see them moving on and being more involved then when they were with you. The situation seems unfair and not what you were expecting the outcome to be. You need to realize that what he wants and what you need are two different things. Keeping him in your life, and letting him is only going to hurt you more. I would space yourself right now from being involved or letting them be involved in your life and find other people to talk with and who will supportive to you. Once you start this process you will begin to slowly heal, and eventually move on to someone better and who has the same interests and involvement as you do. You can't start this process if he continues to be in close contact with you.

Hi K.,
Sorry to hear about your marriage breakup.
Remember time is a great healer.
Right after the trauma happens is always very painful.
If you can try to get some professional counseling.
You have a new life so get out and meet new people and socialize. Let him go.
Good luck.
B.

Hi K.,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine how hard it is. I do think you should go to counselling. You need help gaining perspective.

Once you've achieved that you'll be able to see that you're actually better off without the father of your kids, you deserve someone who is into you and being a father to your kids, or else alone. (Alone can be good!)And then having a parenting-only relationship with your ex won't be a problem.

Good luck!

first hon, u just said during your whole relationsship he was never that into u or the kids. doesnt that part tell u somethng? i now it's hard but it's been over a year now, i can see that he was not happy in the relationship with u from jump(sorry just being honest)u know what u should do, go out more and stop dwelling on the past, everytime u think of him just think to what u wrote :he was never that into me in our whole relationship" that right there should give u the motivation to do other things and meet other people , no don't throw yourself into nother relationship thats not what i am saying, but look around u there's a whole world out there waiting for u and then when u do think of him remember how unhappy he was and how unhappy this made u feel, do u really want to go back to someone like that? when u find yourself gettin down preoccupy yurself with something else. play with your kids, call some friends up and go out for a while anything to cheer yourself up. and if u find yourself doing it late at night when the kids are sleeping, throw on your mp3 player or whatever you have w/earphones and listen to happy music really loud and dance this will boost your feelings to a better place. live girlfriend for yourself and your kids not for him he's gone now so keep it that way, u are better off for it, why be with someone who was miserable with u and the kids anyway, do u really want that back? were u even happy in this relationship? ask yourself those questions and if the answer is NO to both, your a healing and more power to u!!!!!!!

Dear K.,
I am so sorry for the pain you must be going through, all while trying to raise to children and manage a full-time job.. make that 2 full-time jobs!

The issue with your ex is not your fault.. He made some terrible mistakes and he's desperately trying to make up for what he did to you by wanting to be friends. Create the boundries that you need for yourself. Try not to be angry and hateful, but allow yourself the space you need to move on with your life. You deserve to be happy! And your ex cannot provide that for you.. therefore, as hard as it seems, try and slowly let him go (emotionally), and give yourself the credit that you deserve. That you will emerge stronger and smarter by this experience, and thereby attract the kind of people that are deserving of your friendship and love. It may take some time, but put yourself first.. and allow intereaction with him on your terms, not his. But don't be bitter or angry, that will ultimately work against you.. Try to open up and feel blessed that you can now move on with your life, now that you finally know the truth. Being angry could also prolong the healing process and take that much longer! Concentrate and take care of yourself during this time.. (don't waste your precious energy on negativity, or thoughts of him). And remember, YOU deserve happiness, you deserve someone who can bring total love into your home. You and your children deserve this. Let this man go, and out there is someone so much better for you.. be patient.
My thoughts and prayers are with you..
~L.

wow...that is a lot to ask for.....for the sake of your kids they should have a relationship with their dad, but to expect to spend time with you and be friends is a lot to ask for. Of course a freindly relationship is easier for your kids, but thats not the same as your being friends and spending time together....be friendly for the kids sake, but be honest with him in how you feel.....its never easy getting over relationships, but if your not already get out there and get involved with people that share your interests...eventually it will get easier! Its important to know your not alone.

Good luck to you K.!
S.

I think the decision to be his friend, if you want to be his friend is entirely up to you. You seem like you need time to deal with your hurt and anger and you don't owe an explanation to anyone. It doesn't mean that you guys can't co-parent effectively, but he seems VERY egotistical to me. I wish you the best of luck my dear. Keep your head up.

Consider some family counseling sessions.
You are going to be in contact with this man until your kids are 18. His girlfriend clearly has some influence on your ex wanting to be a better person now, so take advantage of that. If he wants to be a better dad, then let him. You can't control any relationships that they have with your mutual friends. Your children are your focus and whatever you need to do to keep them well adjusted, you will.
You created 2 beautiful kids with this man, so you will always have some connection to him in that way. But you need to move on. He has made his choice. If he left his girlfriend and asked you to take him back, would you?
Hook up with some of your friends for a girls night out.
Life isn't always fair and it's the good people who get the short end of the stick. You can't waste your time worrying about what they are doing. You need to let go and reestablish your own life.