How to Get My Husband to Tell His Mother About Our Pregnancy

L., nothing you two say or do will make any difference. She is a sourpuss. Tell your hubby that you will do the announcing for him. When you are 16 weeks along, tell her when you are either at her house, or if she is visiting. Make it a "by the way" moment so that the focus of your visit isn't the announcement.

If you aren't looking for any kudos, you won't be hurt by not getting it. When she says something ugly, roll your eyes and say, "Oh Marge - that's enough of that!" And turn away and start talking to someone else about a different topic.

The best thing you can do is ignore when she acts like your family isn't her idea of ideal. She is a miserable person - don't let her make you miserable.

All my best, and congrats on the new baby-to-be!
D.

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I tend to be confrontational, so take what I say with a grain of salt...

I personally would tell her myself. If she says something about it being a mistake, I would tell her that you're doing well in life, your husband is working toward his higher degrees and now seems to be the right time. If she continues with the attitude, I would simply tell her that yes, while getting pregnant young wasn't planned, you've made the best out of it, and done a wonderful job of raising your family, getting your degrees and taking care of yourself. You haven't relied on her for housing or anything else, and you've never been in any serious trouble...so at least you are making the best out of what started off as not the greatest situation.

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Well, even if nothing is said - it won't stay a secret forever.
I think maybe your husband needs to let go of his expectations of how he wants his mother to be and accept her for who she is - kind of a glass is half empty person - and not worry about what ever her reaction will be.
She might feel badly about not being told the longer he puts it off and in the long run it just creates pointless bad feeling.
Her issues with your family are her issues alone.
No one else has to embrace them.
When she grumbles, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and let it go.
You can be sympathetic and acknowledge her feelings without taking any blame or going on a guilt trip for her feeling the way she does.

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So while you and your husband have moved on and are living your lives and doing well, your MIL is still stuck in the past and can't forgive. Even though you and your husband are successful professionally, you have a good marriage, you have good children, and are expecting a new baby.

This isn't your problem but hers. You can't control her response and if your husband has this fairytale idea of how he wishes she would react in his head, then no matter how she responds he's going to be disappointed. So here's the new situation. She's going to find out soon because you're going to be showing, probably much sooner than with your other pregnancies. If you don't tell her, and in the most sugarcoated and happy way possible, she's going to take issue with not being told.

Essentially, no matter what you do or don't do, neither of you will make her happy. So just do whatever it is you feel like doing but there's no need to keep anything a secret or to try to live to whatever impossible standards she has.

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I know exactly how you feel. My MIL cried for a whole weekend when she found out I was pregnant again. Thats just the way she is. She was fine once my daughter was born but she's still not your normal Grandma. I would just tell your husband to call and tell her and get it over worth. If she starts going on and on about it being a mistake - tell him to say "OK, I'll talk to you later"...thats what mine did when her tears started flowing. Good luck and congratulations!

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Umm, I'd send a bib in the mail that says, "World's Best Grandma." Then I'd attached a note that says "Surprise." You won't have to see her response that way. Good Luck and Congrats!

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I agree with your husband.

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You know our stories are very similar and my hubby has hesistate with our last daughter letting his brother tell her about her and now we have a 4 month old she doesn't know about. It does bother me but my hubby is the type of person he wants the acceptance of his parents so much that he does not want to disappoint them. He struggles a lot. He wants to share this joy with his family but they refer to our marriage as a mistake and our children too. We have been married for 5 years now and still the same thing. I get upset and want to call her and tell her but in the end my hubby would feel hurt by me so I don't. Sometimes we have to just show support for our hubbies and in time they will know about your upcoming child. I knwo it is easier said than done but imagine all the emotions your hubby is going through right now. Just let him know you love him and support his decisions and will stand by his side but one day you hope his family will come around and know about the additional grandbaby. And with them involved they will know sooner than later. As my hubbys parents live in another state. Good luck!

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All I can say is our history is very similar. First was young and in college, second child was planned but still had very, very inlaws and our third. Well to our surprise they were excited for!! Things can change.

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Your post sounds like your family and mil are getting along OK with the exception of a feeling that she still harbors feelings that your first child was a mistake. I suggest that is her problem and that you work on finding a way to let it go. If you don't take her comments personally, you will have peace with the issue.

It really doesn't matter what she thinks as long as she has an appropriate relationship with your family. She loves your girls and treats them well. She doesn't treat them as if they were mistakes.

You cannot change the way she feels. You can only change how you react to her feelings. I also suggest that her mistake comments may be more rhetorical than the real way that she feels. She no doubt has difficulty dealing with the fact that her other two children aren't doing so well. She may even be jealous of your success. Or, perhaps the success you're having isn't important to her. Perhaps she doesn't care about a college degree. Also, She may feel that if she praises this son she's putting her other children down. Or perhaps she just doesn't know how to show approval. Bottom line,it's her problem. You can't change her so try to stop taking it on as your problem.

Is it possible that your husband has found a way to deal with his mother's issues? By not talking with her he could be allowing them to be her issues. He's not taking them on. It will become obvious that you're pregnant, at which time he'll find a way to deal with it then.

I've found that talking about ingrained beliefs rarely changes the beliefs and usually results in more anger. In your mil's generation getting pregnant before getting married was very serious. That belief is difficult for many in her generation to change. Try accepting her as she is.
Stay away from the issue that gets the negative comments from her. She was programmed as a child and young adult to say these things. Challenging her will only bring on more comments.

It sounds like she has accepted your family. She spends time with her granddaughters. She makes rude comments about the one issue. Ignore those comments and ask for praise about your successes. "Say, Mom, I'm so proud of your son is working on his college degree."

Is it possible that if you don't react to her comments she'll gradually stop making them. I do think your husband may have the right idea. Why bring up the pregnancy only to have to deal with her comments? Deal with the situation as it becomes necessary. I think it would be easier to wait until you're in a social setting and say something like, "we're finally at the point when another baby makes sense. We're pregnant." Saying this while other activity is going on cuts down on her opportunity to spend much time making comments.

I know your post isn't able to include the full picture. And my response is over simplified. The general meaning to it is to suggest finding ways to feel less personal and be less involved with her sense that a baby is a mistake.

My father's parents thought my dad made a mistake by marrying my mother. Their first years together were a bit rough. Once my mother realized (her words) that grandma and grandpa weren't going to change their minds she stopped paying attention to their comments. Gradually the comments stopped and they were a part of our happy family. Yes, my mother still felt that they didn't quite approve of her but she said that's OK. In a few years they loved her even tho there was that undercurrent. The undercurrent became less and less noticeable because it was ignored.

Personally I would let her find out through the grape vein, but I would talk to your hubby about what you should tell her if she comes at you like a screaming meme though. Is he ok with you telling her that he didn't want her told and you were just respecting his wishes (and protect you from the stress and attacks)? Would he rather you tell her something else (and have you be the fall guy)?

Hopefully she will hit him up for an explanation but as she sees you as the mistake in his life she is more likely attack you first and blame you for her not finding out. She will never forgive you if you take the fall because she already sees you as the bad guy that took her perfect child and FORCED him into a marriage (of course no woman is good enough but that is a moot point), she will forgive her son... eventually so if he is the fall guy then it is better.

If it was me I would very likely say something like, "I love your son and he didn't want you told, and I respected that decision. You should talk to him about it as it was his choice not to tell you." but my hubby would back me up in that. I don't know what sort of man you married, he M. not be able to stand up to his mom and blame you for it all, some guys are like that.

I hope all goes well on Saturday. My inlaws were less than thrilled with all of my pregnancies. The first one we weren't married and the secound they though my oldest would be slighted. The third one we didn't even want to tell them so we had our then 4yo tell them...It was weird to say the least but they are good grandparents so I don't know what the issues were as we never ask them for anything. My husband said today he was mad I started my period because he would love another baby...we probably wouldn't tell my inlaws until I delivered if we did have a fourth...Good luck to you and don't let her get you down. Babies are exciting and not mistakes they are gifts from God.

I'd just let your husband handle it the way he wants to. He knows his mom and obviously doesn't want to be let down when he tells her about it. Maybe this will also be an eye opener to her if she finds out her son didn't tell her.

Wow. Is your husband controlled in other ways by his mom? This just seems really odd to me.

Yikes! Sounds like my MIL. Nothing is ever good enough. Spoils the bad kids and cuts down the good one (my husband). Now I am never the one to be nasty, or cut people out, or even hold a grudge, but I do remember. With my MIL a lot of times we just do not invite her or share new information with her. We don't do it to be cruel to her, we do it to spare the pain and frustration of it all. The time usually comes when we get to share the info. but she is usually the last to know.

She does express her disappointment sometimes and we are very open with her in what and why we chose to move forward in the way that we do. I say, leave it up to your husband to handle it. If he wants to wait, let him wait. She will only make it miserable for you and you are happy, stay happy and don't let the negative in. Human life is a wonderful gift and if she doesn't get that then so be it, she doesn't get the info early then.

Your husband does need to commit to telling her exactly why he chose to wait though. You guys need your feelings out in the open and she needs to keep hers to herself. The only way she may be able to control herself is if she is called on her rudeness.

Good luck and congrats!

I would just point out that you have to tell her at some point (she's going to notice a new baby, if nothing else!), and how much more fuel it gives her if he delays. Imagine her response if she figured it out (or you told her) a few months before the baby was born -- all the "what do you mean by not telling me!!" kind of stuff.

Then give him a deadline. Either he tells her by then or you will. Not to be mean or controlling, but to help him realize that procrastinating on telling her is just going to make things worse. Do it lovingly, of course!