How to Get My Daughter to Go to School

You say that she is making B's and C's and you have punished her?
She is 13 and at a rough age and grade in school. I would understand if her grades were D's and F's and you punished her.
All you are doing is making her feel that that is not enough and she is not pleasing you.

You may disagree, I have a 14 year old son and I did that also. But then I saw the effect that it had on him. So I relaxed and did not punish him the next time that he had a C and it worked. His grades went up and there were not as many problems at home with him being angry.

C.

Hi J.,
I remember being 13 and starting a new school. Girls and boys in jr. high are very clique oriented, that being the safest way to get through those turbulent years. If you can afford it, I would seriously encourage you to get your daughter into something like sports, dance, theater, have her take art classes, ANYTHING. That will get her out and expose her to other people who either might know what its like or someone who needs a friend like your daughter does. I can tell you though, if you want your daughter to make friends faster, cheer and dance/hip hop classes are probably the best way to go. This way she is put into a group of girls her own age, girls who are more likely to be friendly. Also, encourage her to participate in school activities like clubs, events, dances, etc. By doing this you are showing her that you care without actually having to say it, you are showing her that you want her to have a good time in school and this is the time that she desperatly needs it. Trust me, 13 in these recent years are no picnic and not only is it scary but the chances of her getting depressed by not having any friends around is extremely likely. I would advise that unless she is volunteer oriented already not to push her towards volunteer opportunities YET. Im sure shes a good kid, she just needs some direction. Good Luck

When I was 9 we moved to another state and I just didn't quite fit in, after being very popular in the old neighborhood. It is an adjustment all by itself without adding losing a step father. Your daughter has lost her stability, her anchor. Her whole world has changed! She may be subconsciously avoiding making new friends because she doesn't trust that she will not have to leave them behind also. I would suggest getting her involved in something positive such as a martial arts program or the boys & girls club which will help her build self-esteem and make friends also - it is harder to avoid making friends in that kind of situation. This is such a critical age for your daughter in figuring out how relationships work and her self-worth. She needs to see her mom modeling good self esteem and making new friends also - perhaps a single mom's group or a church. Best of luck!

Hi,J.,
I know that you're probably really discouraged, but I think that punishing your daughter might be the incorrect approach to this delimma.The two of you have been through alot recently, with the move and the seperation, she has lost a home, her friends, and a family member, so she's probably really bummed and kids are cruel and might not be welcomming her like you think they might. Here's something that you might try to help. I know she says she's not being teased or bullied, but you might ask her new teacher what her interaction skills are like at her new school. I don't know how far you live from where you were originally, but you might offer her a phone call or visit with one of her friends from "home" if she has a good week at school in her new home. Kids need to talk to other kids sometimes to sort out new situations. If it is convenient maybe you can invite her favorite friends over for a sleepover. Encourage her to speak to a least one new person a day, even if it's just a hey, how ya doin'. Then maybe with encouragement from you and her old friends she'll feel better about the whole situation. I hope one of these suggestions helps. Let me know. I'm concerned. You see my daughter was once the new kid and this helped her. I'll keep you in my prayers.- God Bless, C.

Thirteen can be a turbulent age, and Bs and Cs are still good grades, especially considering how her life has been changed. We moved around a lot when my son was little and his grades did not suffer, and he told us that he was doing fine in school and seemed to have no problems adjusting. We found out years later just how hard it was for him. He had not wanted to put any more pressure on us, and he was not in control of the situation, so felt there was no use in complaining and making it worse. He kept it all inside. So, even if her grades have fallen some, she may be doing the best she can handle mentally and emotionally. I would say the grades will improve as she adjusts to the situation, so maybe the focus should be on helping her adjust. I think she would benefit more from mom's understanding and positive attention. Also, be a good example and let her know that it's a challenge for you as well, but you can both benefit from it and become stronger or let it beat you down. In other words, she has to make the choice to learn from the situation and decided if she wants to be miserable or happy.

Your daughter is probably feeling the stress of the separation and the move. Her grades may have been better before, but they don't sound horrible know. As a child both my parents were remarried na ddivorced several times and for a while I moved almost every year . My first suggestion is to quit punishing her - she proibably already feels like she is beign punished by having to leave her old school and friends - maybe see if you can spend some time with her and her studies - quizzing before tests and what not. The second suggestion I have is that if yo didn't move too far away try to arrange a chance for her to see her old friends again. She is probably feeling alone and a little scared and maybe even a little angry because of all the changes. Good luck - and remeber almost everything gets better with time!!

Sorry to hear about that ,,,being single with kids are hard, Im a single mom also,where do you live? my daughter is 16 an ,,I had to pull her out an doing to G E D program ,now ,,sometimes its just takes awhile,,,its a big change for the kids,an its h*** o* you to ,but just take time an talk with your daughter,,let her know you are there an are welling to just listen an ,,let her tell you whats going on in her head,,sometimes ,,its not the kids in the schools ,,its the teachers ,,that makes the kids feel like why go ,,,its a waste.....I live in Decatur ,,arkansas ,,so if you want to talk ,,

I was picked on a lot in school and I was so miserable every day was like a new hell for me. I carried emotional scars for years after graduating. She may be going through something similar and just not telling you either out of embarrasment or from fear that if any action is taaken against the bullies then she wiil end up paying for it. you should talk to her teachers and see what they have to say and if you discover that she is being bullied then have it taken care of immediately. Then again maybe she just misses her old home and friends. maybe set aside some time each saturday evening when she can call some of her old friends. If its long distance offer to let her earn the calls by doing chores and such and instead of giving her moey give her phone minutes. 13 is a rough age Hope things get better.

** I don't know that this would work fo eveybody, it's pretty drastic, but in this case it worked**

We had our nephew live with us for a year when he was 15 and in 9th grade while his father attended a military school. Getting this kid to shake a leg and do anything let alone go to school was next to impossible. We talked to his father about giving Preston the freedom to fail 9th grade all on his own and he agreed to try this. So, I bugged Preston and reminded him daily about how life is really hard when you don't have an education. Everyone I know with a GED talked to him about the difficulty of that test. I attended a college course to "lead by example". I even tried using girls...helping him get a Velntine for a girl he really liked. Nothing motivated this kid other then video games. I brought home books and articles on how to become a game developer to show him it required school. LONG story short...he failed due to attendance. His grades were actually decent....but he failed to attend enough days of school or have excused absences. When his father returned they moved to Shrevport. To my absolute surprize, Preston not only started the new school year as a 16 year old Freshman (embarrassing) but joined the football team, the gun club, JROTC, and made honor role every term! We never yelled at him or punished him because when his dad had, it had done no good. By letting Preston determine his own future I think it woke him up. After all, if he failed, HE failed...I still had my job and my life. When he discovered he really had something to do with is own path in life he woke up and started to take responsibility for it. Let them fail while you are there to catch them...while they are young and have no other responsibility in the world...when failing won't mean someone else got hurt. When they are 30, no one will care that they were 19 when they graduated.

I didn't know how my daughter felt till I would run across school papers where she had to write about changes in your enviroment and how they can effect you. She choose to write about her move because we moved from a suppressed area to a more functional area. In the paper she wrote about how mad she was about her dad leaving us forcing us to give up our house and her school and friends. Her anger was mainly aimed at her dad, so in saying I think your daughter is having to adjust to alot more than just a new area. It took may daughter close to the time of Spring break that year to get a new group of friends and finally she was able to let go of having to drive over there so much, it was bad at first I would let her go just about every weekend till it tapered off when she saw how suppressed everyone is overthere and how positive her new friends are. My daughter has friends that she still really close to over there and now she knows she is blessed to have them and new friends. Her closing in her paper is how she is glad I made a stand to get them in a better area and that it was just h*** o* her till she decided to make new friends and get with the program because she realized I wasnt budging. Her grades then got better. Plus this is a harder school. She realized then how she too wish my dad would have listend and moved us out here sooner. Like I said I'm sure your senerio is quite different but when she sees that the fussing isnt doing anygood and she meets more friends she'll come around. That following year my daughter was going to go to homecoming at her old school and to the prom well it turned out that she went to both homecomings and when prom came around she was tossing it back and forth and when it came that time she went to the new school and didnt want to make the fuss of getting ready for the other school. She even had another dressed lined up to wear. So it takes awhile just dont let her see shes breaking you let her know you feel for her and understand.

Hi J.,
Have you tried contracting with her to go? Find something she wants and contract for a period of time you both agree on of appropriate attendance, attitude and whatever else you have problems with before she gets it. Might work,
C.

I personally know how your daughter feels. I moved away from all my friends and my boyfriend (now ex) when I was 17. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I cried for months and months to go "HOME". My parents kept telling me that I was home and I wasn't going back there (it was a 4 hour drive). I hated my parents for pulling me from my natural environment and I resented them tremendously. Any advice I have for you is that Your daughter will forgive you eventually. But she is going to be angry with you and will pick arguments. One thing you can tell her is that there are others in the world with bigger problems and she needs to give it time. My folks kept telling me that and my problems seemed to persist and eventually got worse but they did stop after a while. There were days when I would leave school early because of something someone said. (I was known as preppie and they hated that!)But the next year I went back and things were totally different everyone loved me and I became my school's yearbook editor. I have to say the 2nd year was far better. You just have to be willing to give it a chance. Just let her know that if she's willing to give it a chance then she will get big rewards later! I hope this helps.

Ask her how she wants to live when she is your age. Show her a slummy area and show her the nicest homes in the same trip around town. Explain to her that to do well in life you must do your best in school, college is the only option if she wants to do well and to get into a great college she will need straight A's.

you gotta remember she is in a new place knowing nobody she is going to be like this and a little depressed til she meets someone wrothy to her. taking things awat will not help it will only add fuel to fire and relelling will be more. I have been in her shoes plz be patient with her you are all going thru a rough time. good luck to you