I have been dating my current boyfriend for the last year and my daughters father and I split up a few months before that but I still lived in the house just in my own room and we still did stuff together with her. Well now that I have been on my own for the last 9 months my daughter still will not talk to my boyfriend. He has never been nothing but nice to her and has always went out of his way to do things for her. My daughter is currently living with her father so I am not sure if he says things to her about my boyfriend or not.
I am frustrated because just today we were with my boyfriend finding him some stuff to get his mother for mother's day and she hid behind me everytime he spoke to her. He is now upset with me and told him he doesn't think he can have a relationship with me if she does not respect him.
What should I do. Has anyone else been in this situation?
Just wanted to say Thank You soo much for all of your responses.
After reading most of these I have done a lot of thinking and called BF and asked him to just be patient with her and tried to explain to him that she is only 5. For some reason he seems to think that 5 is just like being 10. You can tell he has obviously never had kids. I am 29 and he is 36 you would think he would have more sense then that. Well I am going ask him over tonight so I can give him the option of either being patient or hit the road. I am never and would never put a man before my daughter. It is just a confusing situation because she always talks about him and wants to go and see him and his parents but then when we do see him she won't speak to him. The thing is that he has only maybe seen her 20 times in the past year. We never hug or kiss in front of her and we try to keep the time they are together minimal. Like I said I am just going tell him he can't make me discipline her for not speaking to him and either he is going to have patients or we are not going to be together no matter how much it hurts me.
*** Update *** There is a lot of people making me look like a bad mom. I simply had a question. My daughter does come first no matter what and as for him being around when it is time for her and I it is our time. If he is around her it is usually just for maybe an hour at the most. He is not spending the night with me and we show no affection to each other. My question was more a advice for maybe moms that have gone through this and as for me introducing my BF to my daughter him and I were friends way before we dated and she already knew him. As far as she knows him and I are still just friends. We spent Christmas with his family due to the fact that all my family is in FL not here in TX and it was the first time she actually had a Christmas with other kids and was find to the rest of his family. Just wanted to make it clear I am far from a bad mother and that is one other reason her father has her is that he has a lot more help her with our daughter then I did and she lives with him and his parents.******
Well, if the boyfriend "is now upset with me and told him he doesn't think he can have a relationship with me if she does not respect him."
then I say get rid of HIM. She is five, and he is NOT her father. What does he expect? And hiding behind you when he speaks to her is not a lack of respect, sorry.
Sounds to me like you need to move on girl!
Please let you boyfriend know it is not about respect. She is 5. Most 5yo are shy around others, even those they know and see on a regular basis. Not all 3yo are affectionate either.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Spend time together. Maybe this summer she can come and spend a long amount of time with you (more than a weekend) and they can start to form a relationship.
Ask him to be patient. These things take time. And, she may never accept him.
Good Luck!
WOW....so many things...where to start...
1) small children have honest feelings and aren't very dishonest about them. If she is not comfortable around him, it may be that she is picking up on something that you don't. I would talk to her and ask her why she is shy around him. See if it is fear of something about him, worry that he will try and take her daddy's place, or simply that she doesn't feel that she knows him all that well. If it is cause her father said somethign to her, she will tell you at this time...
2) If your bf is "threatening" your relationship regardless of how long you two have been together, because your FIVE year old is having issues with your relationship then maybe you should let him walk. ANY man who makes you choose between him or your child is not worth your time of day. This is not a matter of respect, unless it is his disrespect of your concern over your daughter's reactions...or his disrespectful "threat" to you.
If you want to work this all out that is totally up to you, but you need to take a hard look at what is real and what is going on. Talk to your daughter and find out why she feels the way she does. Then talk to your BF and tell him to step off and deal...that your daughter is first and foremost in your life and you need to work this out with her. IF this is coming from her father, talk to him and tell him that while you appreciate his concern, all he is doing is causing confusion and pain for his daughter and he needs to knock it off. In the future he needs to bring up his concerns over your dating habits with you and NOT with your child...
Good Luck... ;-)
I can't begin to imagine how confused your 5 year old is. You split from her father for 9 months, but you were with your current boyfriend for a year? Children aren't wired to handle this kind of situation...they like the stability of seeing mommy and daddy together and loving each other. The whole situation is scaring your daughter and she's looking to you for protection. Please don't force her to "be nice" to someone she has no reason to trust. He gave you an ultimatum you need to take...it's time to walk away with your daughter holding your hand. She needs you to be her stability and you are strong enough to do this. It might be easy to blame her for this problem...but it sounds like your boyfriend has some character issues.
Happy Mother's Day! You have probably heard this a million times, but I can't stress this enough, your daughter always comes first. Your boyfriend needs to be more patient with her if he really cares about you and respects who you are, a mother first. Him showing patience in this situation will especially be a sign on whether he is a "keeper" or not. Since you and your daughter's daddy split some months ago, she is still grieving the fact that her parents are not together anymore. It is a lot for a little girl to handle and be able to understand. I hop you choose wisely and always listen to what is best for your daughter. Remember, boyfriends come and go, your daughter is yours forever.
Enjoy your day.
Problem from the outside
1.) She is hiding from him. Not back talking. This shows fear and confusion- not disrespect.
2.) He can't be with you if she doesn't respect him? and he is being disrespected because she is hiding?
She is 5. She doesn't understand what is going on, even if it has been a year. You should work with her to help her understand that you and her father cannot get back together and that you love this new man. Help her to feel safer and more secure with this new man. If this doesn't work and she remains fearful of him, then this isn't the guy for you. If you he can't understand that this is fear/uncertainty and not disrespect, this might not be the guy for you.
Good luck.
I agree with some of the other posters. Get rid of the boyfriend and be a mother to your child. Your child is five years old, practically still a baby. She has only been on this earth for five years and she is having to deal with adult situations and adult problems. If I were you, the minute my boyfriend said my daughter was not respecting him, that would be the last minute I ever spent with him. You need to be a mother to your child for the next 13 years and when she is grown then you can start dating.
Lisa
This is going to sound harsh. Stop being a girlfriend and start being a mother. You have enough on your plate with adjusting to being divorced and being separated from your daughter. You and your daughter don't live together and need to work on building a new relationship that is just the two of you. Your expecting too much if you think she's going to bounce out of one family of three and into a new family of three. Putting dating on hold and get your life back on track.
Blending families is so much harder than people realize. This situation will get much much worse before it gets any better. You will forever be split between them. Unless this guy is absolutely everything you ever wanted in a man/father/provider/lover it will not be worth the constant fight. At the very least he should be trying to build a relationship with your daughter, not forcing you to "make" her respect him. Respect is commanded not demanded.
He's telling you outright that he's not going to be sympathetic to your daughter's needs. That in and of itself would give me my answer. I couldn't deal with that whatsoever.
This must be more complicated than we can see. But simply from an outside view, your daughter isn't living with you, so the time you have with her has to be about her. You shouldn't date on your daughter's time. Its too soon to be making a blended family, particularly with someone who is not willing to accept your daughter for who she is. This is going to sound harsh, but the title of your post is very selfish, how to get your daughter to like YOUR boyfriend. How about how manage raising my daughter and still try to date?
Another thing to think about why does her father know about your boyfriend? That makes the issue even more complicated. You need to preserve the bond your daughter has with her father.
This may sound mean and heartless but; the age your daughter is now up until she is out of the house you need to date secretly. This type of deal, dating with children, small or teenage is dangerous for the Mother/Father/child relationship. Raise your child first then date.
N.,
I have been divorced for 9 years, I have dated some, but my role as a mother comes first always. I date on the weekends I don't have my boys and I have custody. The point is your daughter needs to come first, when it's her time focus on her. Why is this man even around during her time? I don't understand that. If there comes a point and you are getting engaged and planning to marry, then yes introduce her to your boyrfriend, keeping in mind she already has a Dad and your not trying to replace him. Even then, her time is for her, not your boyfriend.
This man is for you, not her. Yes he needs to be kind to her and willing to help you in special situations with her, but she already has parents. I hope her father is mature enough to keep her out of the dating scene. What happens if you break up with this guy? Then what introduce her to another guy, then the next and so on? How confusing is that?
I think the comment that she should "RESPECT HIM" is a HUGE red flag. It doesn't seem your boyfriend knows much about kids- and why in the world should your daughter respect him?? Be polite, not rude, but respect?? Hello- put yourself in your daughter's position. She's five. The world is a big scary place and the two people that she thought were going to be her parents together for life have split. Sorta. And then maybe really. Sounds confusing to me and I'm an adult. Another guy comes onto the scene. Why get attached to him? He may be going away, also. Respect is earned over time. If your boyfriend thinks he can demand it, you need a new boyfriend for both of your sakes.
Children and animals have an inate sense about people's character. They dont understand how it works, but if my child didnt like someone when they were that young... I always chose my child. Now, if my pets growl at someone... I trust my dog. They are not vicious by any stretch of the imagination. They are very protective and loving. Your daughter senses something isnt right and you should never even have a question as to what is the right choice there.
Do not force your daughter to like your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is the adult and should understand that your daughter will not warm up to him like her father and the older your daughter gets the better she will make an independent judgement of your friend. Not to say your friend is... but the worst thing that women do is force their children to be close to someone. Sometimes there is a reason children do not want to be around someone. Be very careful of men that insist that your kid like them or constantly point out your kids behavior. A five year old should not cause him to loose interest in your relationship unless his interest is in your 5 year old. Again, I am not saying your boyfriend is but a child molester spends all day thinking how not to be caught. Sometimes our kids just don't want to be close to people give her her space.
Get rid of the boyfriend.
Your first priority is your daughter. I am always suspicious of adults that demand trust/respect from a young child. What is his agenda?
If he thinks the relationship is worth anything, he wouldn't be so quick to throw in the towel. You both have to remember that she is only 5 years old and sometimes it takes time for kids to warm up to someone else. I had the same issue with my son, when I met my future husband. I am happy to say that we have been married for 13 years now, and my son and my husband get along great. Have a little patience and everything will work out.
I have a five year old. I had a boyfriend. She really liked my boyfriend. With that being said, give your child space. You may be pushing her too much to like him. If the time spent around him was open time where they were just in the same room with no expectations of speaking or interacting. I will say "if" he does not treat you well, she may pick up on that and be standoffish for a reason. I don't know his personality, so it is just a thought. She will want your attention when the 3 of you are together. She is hiding behind you and pulling on you because she wants the connection with you. I know it can be frustrating. I did not spend much time with my boyfriend when my daughter was home. I hope this helps. I have learned that dating when you are a mom can be difficult. Hang in there.
I've never been in this situation but my brother has. He started dating this girl that had 3 little girls one was 5 and the other two were 7 months. It was hard for him because the 5 year old would not give him the time of day and was always angry. He got to the point were he was going to give up but he didnt and now they all get along. All it took was time she came along on her own. She still sees her real dad but she know that my brother is also there for her. Kids adjust on there own and you cant make them do something they dont want to just keep on including her and tell your boyfriend to be patient she will come around but dont force her becuase then she will only have anger toward you and him.
Although many people hate to hear this - children are like dogs - they sense things.
Maybe your daughter senses something about your BF that you are unable to. Regardless, you cannot and are not going to be able to force a 5yo to like anyone.
A piece of advice - if your BF gets that irritated dealing with the emotions of a 5yo who has a lot a unrest with her family - you might want to rethink the whole relationship status with him as it doesn't sound like he's got patience enough to deal with a 5yo.
Well this is a lot for a 5 year old to handle. I bet somewhere along the way in all of this you have shed a tear, felt overwhelmed and wondered how everything would work out. Imagine the feelings of a five year old who has absolutely no control over the situation. Since she still has a relationship with her dad, she may feel very protective of him and want to let everyone know he is not going to be replaced. Just give her time. As the adults in the situation it is your responsibility to make things work, not hers. There is a very well known family therapist named James Dobson who says it can take about 7 years or so for a blended family to really flow in harmony and love the way a natural family does when it works right. You and your boyfriend may not have even decided if this is permanent, so she shouldn't be expected to treat him like he is an integral part of the family when he might not even stick around. Don't let her hit, sass, or show open rudeness to him, but other than that I say leave it alone. If he is a permanent addition, in time, she will warm up to him, let her take it at her pace and don't force it. She has already had a lot forced on her she didn't like such as her parents splitting, so let her adjust to that. Kids just aren't on our time table. Best wishes, hope it all works out:)
give her time. don't push. if the boyfriend is negative, maybe you don't need him in your life.
I agree with most of the posters--your time with your daughter is her time. Enjoy your time with her alone right now, it won't be long and she'll be a busy teenager that won't have time to hang out with dear Mom. If you don't have full custody, it still gives you a lot of time alone with the BF. FYI--for the BF, respect is earned not a given.
I know someone mentioned Dr. Laura in their post, and I know Dr. L would suggest ditching the BF and waiting until your daughter was much older to start dating etc. My mother remarried after divorcing my father and I could not imagine my life without my step-dad (I actually refer to him as my father) he is still a great influence on my life and a great dad. If she had followed Dr. Laura's advice I would have missed out on a very important person in my life. With all that being said--my mother always put us first and even asked our permission before marrying my dad. And he always knew we came first, even now that my mother is no longer with us, we still come first to him and everything he has done and does is for the "best of the family" my brother and I are now in our mid-30's. I hope you find someone as good as my dad for both of you.
Good luck--I wish you the best.
Hi N.,
I skimmed thru the other responses but didn't really read them so I'm sorry if this is a repeat of what someone else said. Your daughter lives with her father, so I assume you only see her every other weekend and perhaps one evening during the week. You really need to think carefully about how you spend that time with her. She is only 5 and going through a very confusing, upsetting, terrible time with her parents being separated and then divorced. It is too soon for you to expect her to accept someone new in her/your life. You need to spend the precious time you have with your little girl WITH your little girl--not with your BF. If you spend some quality time with your daughter, reassuring her that you and her father will always be there for her even if you are not together, she will slowly, gradually relax and come to accept her 'new normal.' THEN you can think about having her and your BF get to know each other. If your daughter is uncomfortable with your new BF, and your BF is upset with your daughter's behavior, then they should not be around each other right now. Your daughter doesn't need any more stress than she already has. PLEASE give her a break. I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh...I know you are doing your best, and I commend you for asking for help on this site. I just want to echo what others have said...please put your daughter first! Best of luck to you. :-)
Lose him.. it is not about respect it is about a 5 year old seeing mommy with someone different than daddy.. and maybe she sees something you don't. like maybe he isn't good for you. give her time...she is just a little girl.. and don't let him intimidate her.. if he really cared he would not pressure her.
Hi N.~
That must be a really frustrating situation, especially since he wants to be a part of your daughter's life, which is great! I can only speak from my own experience, but I know when my parents split up, and my dad starting dating, I hated his girlfriend no matter how sweet she was to me. I didn't want anything to do with her and held on to the hope that my parents would get back together for years. My now stepmother was very patient, and I know it upset her sometimes too. But I think that's just how it is for a lot of children..parents are ready to move on long before them. The thing that would've helped me and may help your daughter is just to talk to her about about her point of view and maybe let her know her feelings are valid. Obviously you can't make her like him, but if she knows he makes you happy, she may start to warm up to him. You could also try to get her to open up by giving her the power to choose where/what the three of you do. Time and patience are the most important ingredients though for sure, and your boyfriend will earn your daughter's respect when he gives her those.
