How to Get a Tweleve Year Old Girl to Keep Her Room Clean?

Yes, for us it's all about picking the battles. I was a neat freak as a kid, but my sister was a slob. I watched my Mom fight with her, clean her room for her, throw out tons of toys, threaten her, take things away, etc. All it did was drive Mom crazy, it didn't make my sister value being clean. Having her own apartment where people don't want to come over, that motivated her! (And even then, there are limits).

So if our 11 year old wants friends to come to our house at all, or if we're having company over, a party, etc. then her room must be truly clean. Otherwise, it's up to her. But laundry stuck in her room doesn't get washed. If we can't get to the bed to tuck her in, we say good-night from the door (that one bothers her a lot). If we accidently step on something and it breaks because it was hidden or unavoidable, that's too bad. Same thing if she loses or breaks one of her own toys.

When it's all up to her and we're not pushing, she does put more value on it. It ends the fights and it puts the ball in her court. She is responsible for this part of her life.

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I've read through some of the other responses and there are some good ideas. I have a 13 year old and we have had this battle, however my first question to you is HOW IMPORTANT IS THIS? At some point, her room is her room and she should be able to be neat or messy depending on who she is. She needs to be given some choice in her decisions no matter how that might differ from who we want our kids to be. If she's messy by nature, then nothing will work and you will always be battling her over this. She has to WANT to keep her room clean for her, not for you.

I can understand if you spend money on clothes and other stuff and she doesn't take care of it. To that extent - DO NOT BUY HER ANYTHING (except true necessities) and tell her when she starts taking care of her things, then you will start buying her stuff again. She is 12 and perfectly capable of complying with this,and if she doesn't than that is her choice and DO NOT buy her anything.

With my thirteen year old we got to the point where she was supposed to have her room clean on Friday before she could do anything on the weekend or recieve her allowance. This only led to me constantly reminding her to do it, and then have battles when it wasn't done. I have just learned to accept her as messy and if she chooses to have friends see her messy room than its up to her. I have also learned to let go of things once I buy them. If she loses things or breaks things they do not get replaced. I also buy her enough clothes to get by and if they get messed up than she has less clothes and that is her consequence.

She is who she is, and she is not me. I was a very messy kid - you could not see the floor in my room and my closet probably housed many unknown growing organisms but i am very neat now. She'll do it when it is important to her and it's ok if it's not important to her now. She has enough going on at this age!

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I have sons who are just as messy. I bought some of those huge rubbermaid containers and threw everything in and hid the containers. I told them everything was thrown away and if I see anything out of place, it will meet the same fate. Once I saw they were keeping their rooms neat, I let them know where their stuff was in the container but next time it would be thrown away. Good luck.

Try reading Dr. Kevin Lehman's books on parenting. Type his name in amazon.com and his books will come up.

"Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours","Beoming the Parent God Wants You To Be" and "Have a New Kid by Friday"

I hope this helps

Several ideas come to mind. My daughter is 13 and I have gone through this with her as well. I am not sure which of my "methods" actually worked but her room is cleaner than it was last year. Some things to consider: Does she have sufficient space to put everything away? That was a problem with my daughter, so we bought baskets for under the bed, jewelry holders etc. It isn't perfect but it is working. Here are some of the things that I tried (and they all worked for a while):

1. Put all the items not in their proper place in a bag and tell her it is going to Salvation Army to those who really need the items.

2. Don't buy anything at all new until her things are put away.

3. Clean her room and put things away. When she asks you where things are, tell her they are put away and if she were to keep her room clean, she would know where they were.

4. No sleepovers, T.V., Computer etc until the room is clean.

I have learned to accept that her standards of clean will not be as stringent as mine, so I try to accept that if her floor is vacuumed, her bed is made and clothes are in their proper place, that may be fine with her. The clutter drives me crazy, but doesn't seem to bother her, so we have reached a happy medium. Just remember, don't sweat the small stuff!! There is a common ground where you both can meet, you just need to find it.

Pick your battles. This is the perennial issue with parents. I use cleaning as an incentive. Sure you can go to someone's house after I see your room is clean. Unfortunately, I stink at cleaning and am not a great role model in that regard. You probably went through the same phase. If you want stress - force the issue. I generally hose the place out once a year and that works for my son's room. She is an almost adult. Have you asked her what she thinks would work in parenting her to teach her responsibility in cleaning her room? She is at an age when she can determine her own incentives and punishments. That sometimes works for me. The second thing I would recommend is that both of you take the Landmark Forum. It creates a basis for fabulous conversations with teens. My son has his friends talk to me when there are issues that need an adult. That's thanks to him having the ability to speak to me openly. Your bottom line goal with teens is to make sure the lines of communication are open. Good luck and if you find the perfect answer for this you will make a million bucks on your book tour.

I feel your pain. And yes, I also agree that throwing it all away almost seems more punishment to us, than to our kids. I am going through the same issues with our almost 10 year old daughter. First, every weekend, before all the fun, she must clean her room. Again, punishment to us, too, but I am trying to learn to stick to my guns, so to speak. My mom is also a big fan of putting all of her things into a couple of plastic bins that I take away from her if she does not keep the room clean. She has to earn her stuff back. Anything not put away, is fair game to take. I have not tried this yet - ironically as I was reading this, I actually decided that today is the day I begin. I will also do this for our almost 6 year old daughter, and almost 4 year old son (all birthdays are in the fall!!) This way, I may have some plastic bins in a corner someplace, but it sure will beat me cleaning all day and/or stepping on things. It is overwhelming me so I need to try something. Perhaps if we take their things, they will start learning that taking care of your things needs to be a priority, as is keeping yourself and your things organized and tidy is. Stay strong. Let us know what you decide!

First I recommend you check out www.FlyLady.net for lots of great advice. Does your twelve year old know how to keep the room clean? It's a skill that needs to be taught and she may just feel overwhelmed. Teach her to do a little at a time and MAKE IT FUN! My 12 y.o. boy's room was ALWAYS a mess. I started by helping him declutter. Less stuff to clean up means more time to play. We would set the timer for 5 minutes and see who could get rid of/put away the most stuff or we'd set a number and see who could put away/throw away that number of items first. (Trash counts!) Of course he always won and he'd brag that he was the champion. Also help her set up a routine. My son spends five minutes every night straightening his room before he gets a shower. In the morning he races the timer to see how fast he can make his bed. Whatever way you choose to help her get clean, I think there are three important things to remember: 1) Make it fun! Kids will do anything that's fun. 2) It doesn't have to be done perfectly, it just has to be done. If it's never good enough for you than she's going to quit trying. 3) Be patient. It's a skill that needs to be taught. You wouldn't expect her to learn to read in a day, would you? Hope that helps!

Well, mine are much younger but I have the same problem. My husband is ready to throw everything out but I have that same reaction "that is a lot of money wasted" so I packed up everything that wasn't furniture in big plastic totes and stored it. Now they "earn" their stuff back instead of aquiring more. It seems to be working so far and hubby doesn't have that vein popping out of his forehead when he goes into the bedrooms.

Hi F.
how about no allowance, or no computer time, or no TV time, or no whatever she likes, until the room is clean... every single day! The art of negotiation, they only get what they want after you get what you want. However, you MUST be true to your word, or else you lose credibility and it'll never work. Good luck!

I am in the same boat. This is my third girl and neither of my others kept their room like my 12 year old. It is a constant struggle, but I go up there and remind her to pick her towel, pick up her dirty clothes, put the clothes away. I wonder what makes kids so different- my others could not stand the mess, but she would much rather be doing something else than picking up. I think for my daughter, it is about knowing that when you have something in your hand, put it where it belongs, don't drop it on the floor, then you will have 15 things to pick up instead of dealing with it while you have it in your hand. Sorry I'm not much help, only that you definitely have to keep on them about it.

I would take something away that she likes to do. Like going out with her friends and then she would have to clean her room. Its an idea. S.

Some battles are just not worth fighting.

During the school year, my daughter's room is a mess. She is just too busy to get her act together and since she gets straight A's, plays the trumpet, and does ballet - I let it go. If I want her room neat, I go in and clean it myself. BUT, she knows that if I clean it, I clean it my way. She tries to keep it neat, and gets her bed made, but things happen.

She also knows that if the dirty clothes aren't in the laundry basket, they don't get washed. That alone helps in keeping the floor picked up. The basket is in the hallway, so at least the dirty clothes are up off the floor.

If we are going to be having company, I will ask her to pick it up as best she can and then I go in and finish it up. My daughter is just too busy... I know this sounds like an excuse and that she really COULD be neat. I was a slob, too... until I went to college and then I turned into a neat-nick. My daughter can be neat. She is neat at camp and at other people's homes. That, alone, is good enough for me.

So - either do it yourself or shut the door.

Close the door. My mother finally said that as long as she didn't have to look at the mess and I knew where things were and wasn't wearing old smelly clothes, then she would deal with the mess. When she realizes that her friends are commenting on the way her room is and the way that her clothes look, she will start to take of it herself. My mother also stopped buying my clothes until I learned to take care of the ones that I had. Also, I earned money around the house towards new clothes. Have fun, remember, it will end, eventually.

Just a thought, but how about putting the majority of her stuff in storage. As she keeps her room clean, she earns her things back. When things aren't tidy, she earns nothing and if her deadline reaches, she loses something again. I have had to do this for other reasons, but it worked. We removed everything, including t.v., radio, All of it. It was worth it. I think it could work. good luck.

I remember my dad pulling his hair out over this when I was that age. Unforntunately, I don't know if I have some kind gene missing or something, but not only did I see my room as clean, but I had no idea how to keep it clean. Even with my mom in there assisting me, my attention would wander. I am still like this today. My dad finally just insisted that I didn't let anything grow in there and that I keep the door shut. I had such teenage attitude that I even had an issue with that. But if I wanted something clean and it was wrinkled on the floor, it was my responsbility. If I couldn't find my book report, it was on me. I know that you want things clean, and I battle with my 4 yo over it now, but you may have to choose to let this go. As an intersting tidbit, someone suggested I may have ADD recently, and that may be why I can't seem to focus to keep my house clean. Good luck.

Hi F.,
I feel your pain! My 13 year old hates to clean her room (and so does my 10 year old). What I have started doing was having them do 15 minutes worth of work in their rooms a day. We set the timer and I give them a specific task that must be completed like the top of the dresser, put the dirty clothes in the hamper, or something like that but you have to be specific. I got the idea from a website called "flylady.com". Everything is done 15 minutes at a time. So far since I have started doing this with them, it has worked. It is a slow process, but at least things are getting done and I am not being to picky about it, its their space it should be how they want it to a point. Good luck!

I have a daughter who's about to turn 12 & we began dealing with this same thing last year (among other laziness issues). Like you, it drove me crazy. It might be her room, but its our house - our rules. So when she started Middle School, we created a chore chart on the computer. In large letters on the chart, we added "There will be no reminders given." This has been the toughest part to overcome.

Here's how our chart works (I created it in Excel). We list specific chores, how often their supposed to be completed (daily, every weekend, etc.) & open blocks for each day in the month. She has the ability to earn so many dollars per month doing these specific chores. She gets check marks for completions, x's for missed chores and n/a's where they apply. For each missed chore, she loses $1.00. The chart also has "extra credit" chores so she has the ability to earn back any lost dollars. She gets paid at the end of the month based on the completed chores.

Here's the other kicker - things she wants but doesn't need, she has to pay for with her own money. She wants a new cell phone & its something she's been saving for for several months now. That's her motivation for earning the money.

Something we haven't done yet, but we're going to start is to make her take a portion of her monthly allowance and deposit it into her savings account. Even if it's $5.00 per month, she'll get to see her money at work and earning some interest (even if it's small).

Some people might find this tough for an 11/12 yr. old, but let's face it, life's tough. Things in life aren't handed to you - you have to earn them. The sooner they learn the way life really is, the better they'll be prepared for adulthood. It's worked for us so far & I hope this advice has helped you in some way.

Be specific. Her idea of a clean room and your idea of a clean room may be different. I like the idea of the 15 minute clean, if they are actually cleaning, but my stepdaughter would goof off the whole time, so the "trash bag" at the end if she's goofing tends to get the point across. And you don't have to throw the stuff away, just put it somewhere and let her earn it back. Each day she spends the 15 minutes cleaning, she can choose 3 thing from her stuff that was taken away.

F.,
I have the same problem with my 10 year old, 6 year old, 4.5 year old and 3 year old. What I have done and sometimes it works and sometimes it does not but I am tryingt ostick it out so it works all of the time. When they dont pick up their toys and belongings without a fight I take them, wait a few days, maybe a week and then they get them back witht he understanding that if they do not pick them up again and i have to take them away they are going to lose them for good this time, I either give the stuff away, take it to a consignment store so I make money on it or I sell it on ebay, again to make money on it. Good luck

I'm guessing that your daughter likes to spend time with her friends over the weekends, so tell her that her room must be clean BEFORE play. That always worked with my daughter, and you'll be shocked how quickly they can clean when they want to do something!!
It probably sounds a little juvenile, but a chore chart worked for my teen (who's now 19 and away at college). I put it in the kitchen where it was easily seen, and going out on the weekends always depended on whether the chores were done.
As a last resort, if I warned my daughter to clean up and it wasn't done, put anything left laying around in a garbage bag and hide it. You don't need to actually throw her stuff away to send the message. A week without a prized possession is VERY effective :)

Hey - there are lots of great responses to your problem on this board. Personally I just tackled that issue with both my 13 and 14 yo daughters. I simply told them - no overnights, no phone calls, no cell until your rooms are clean. Believe it or not - when it something they really want they will do what they have to do.
Hope that helps - but really - she is just 12 and next year she'll be 13 and if you aren't dealing with more than the room issue you will be. Blessings - prayer helps too. S.

I have stepdaughters that are only here part time, 16 and 14, but I also have 6 of my own with daughters 14 and 12. With 6 children and kids sharing rooms it is vital that we have some organization. We have a daily chore list which includes items in their bedroom. Pick up clutter, make the bed, put school item on desk etc. would be on the daily chores. Dust, vacuum, change sheets would be on the weekend list. We choose not to fight with our kids (not that we are perfect, and get pulled in to arguments way to often) especially over this issue. It is simple, they do their homework, we have a family dinner, and they complete their chores and then they have free time until bed. This keeps things from piling up and it evenly distributes responsibility.
Before implementing this system things were consistently getting unmanageable. Have you ever had something get overwhelming in your home, like the garage? I know we have. Don't you put it off as long as possible? If we teach them to keep it tidy through the week then they don't all of a sudden have to redo their ENTIRE room because of it getting out of hand......

Two things

A. I have heard great things about the house Fairy system, but your daughter might be a little too old. http://www.housefairy.org/

B. Your daughter might simply have too much stuff. The more she has the more difficult it is to keep up woth everything. I know from being a kid with a dirty room that once a few things get out of place the room just starts gettin worse and worse.

As an adult who never learned to clean my room I have had lots of success with the flylady (a free cleaning coach/system that helps you set up lifetime routines). Some important things from her system to help your daughter:
1) You cant clean clutter - if your daughter doesn't love something it needs to go - extras just make it harder to stay clean.
2) You can do anything in just 15 minutes - have her choose something to clean and set a timer. Her room will get clean if she just does 15 minutes each day. Make it a race, but keep it to 15 minute segments so it doesn't feel like too much of a sacrifice.
3) Identify the hot spot (this is where she throws everything she brings into her room and have a 5 minute fire drill to clean it up every day.
4) Once a week on the same day have her go through her room and find 27 things to throw away or give away (including old papers or pieces of trash.

If you can instill these quick painless routines she will be well on her way to cleanliness and responsibility (It takes 28 days to establish a routine so be consistant for her)

I am editing this post to mention that if you look over everything below you will find a common theme - Flylady, Flylady, Flylady. Routine, Routine, Routine The sytem is awesome for the whole family, free, and doesn't start and end with punishment. Good luck.

The only thing that I have found to work is to tie socialization/events to it. If they want to have a friend over or go to a friend's house then their room needs to be clean....I'm not talking perfect, but manageable. It is amazing how quickly it can get cleaned if they want to go somewhere, see someone or have a friend over. Good Luck!!!

Hi F.,

I had the problem as a kid too. My mom finally gave up except for once a month to clean. I'm now a mom of two and can't stand a mess. I also found a book called "Organizing Solutions for People with ADD". I got it because my husband is ADD. I will tell you however, it is not just for people with ADD. It is for people who need help organizing a mess and don't know how to keep it simple. Some kids are like that and I'm not saying your daughter is, but it might help her understand how she can please you. Check it out and see. I'm not ADD, but I've had more benefit from the book than my husband has. God Bless