How to Get a Distance with Some Friends That Are Not for Us-

K.,

I was really surprised and annoyed when I read the replies to your question. Just about everyone told you to lie or just slowly stop taking their calls! Would you want to be treated that way? It's not being "nice" or letting them down "easy" this way. It will stress both of you out. Be honest. If you don't like how the husband and wife treat each other tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe she'll tell you why it happens, maybe she could use your help. If her house is not clean enough for you, find a tactful way to tell her that.

The advice that you received from most of the people so far has been the easy way out for them but does not resolve any of the issues. Be honest, they will thank you for it and you will feel better about yourself. You may find that you come out of it with a better, stronger friendship with them -- or at the very least you will be able to respect yourself for treating them with respect until the very end.

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I've been through a similar experience, although we're on the other end of the issue -- I was the friend who was "dumped." We became friends when our first babies were born so the kids have all known each other their entire lives. At first things were great and we spent a lot of time together, but then she stayed at home and I had to go back to work after our first maternity leaves were up and she became rather judgemental of me for going back to work -- not that it was a choice for me at the time. She found a group of friends through her first ECFE class that were all SAHMs and they connected and I was out. When my second child was a year old I was able to quit my job and stay home and I was hoping to reconnect with her at that time -- and tried for over a year to do so -- but she shut the door and that was that.

I can tell you from my experience that I would have liked her to be honest and talk to me rather than avoid my calls. My children initially missed playing with her kids, but now that time has passed, they don't remember them at all and ask about who they are when they see pictures of the kids together when they were younger. Don't worry about your son losing a friend at the age of 2 -- he'll lose many over the years. But rather consider how your friendship with this woman evolved and why it exists. There obviously was a reason you became friends in the first place and you may want to consider that before dumping her. Also...remember that your actions are being closely watched by your son and you are teaching him lessons today that will stay with him for a lifetime. Good luck!

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I also have friend who's relationship with her husband can get uncomfortable ingroup settings,so I just have playdates with the mom and kids.

I don't think that someone having an untidy house is a reason to not spend time with them. If they are really your friend you would be understanding and maybe even offer to help fold laundry while you chat.

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I would agree with the other moms. If you want to break ties completely, just stop answering all of the calls, be "busy" all of the time, and don't respond with any enthusiasm during any conversations you do have. And obviously, don't initiate any contact with them. On the other hand, if you want to keep this as a friend for your son but just not for you adults, you could always just limit yourself for meeting together as moms/boys only, and make sure it is always in a neutral situation (ie not your houses) like a park, kid-friendly restaurant, ECFE open play, etc. You could also make it a "group" situation and always invite some other mom/kid along too, to make it seem less like you are just meeting with her as a special friend and more like a group of moms/kids getting together.

Good luck!
T.

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I was in the same position a year ago and can tell you from the other side that your son will be fine with losing a connection to his friend...he is so young! If you feel you are good friends and you owe them an explanation, then talk to her. But in my opinion, a gradual let go would be fine. I wish you the best. It's never easy "breaking up" with someone!

Luckily, the kids are young and so 5 years from now, will not remember your denighing him visits with his friend at age 2.

In my eyes, you could go 2 routes. 1, let your son and he be friends still on a limited basis, but slowly close that connection with them and do not be receptive to outings and get togethers. OR

You could cut everyone off and slowly start to reject phonecalls and invites for gatherings, etc. But, if you do this, have an excuse because they think you are friends and will demand and expect that you will have a good reason for blowing them off more and more lately.

The important thing is to do it slowly. I'd start by telling them a lie about an older family member or close friend, neighbor, etc. of yours or hubbys needing help with their life due to their health and requiring much of your time. That way, when the visits and calls start slowing down on your part and they ask why you didn't call back, or why you can't get together, it was because of your sick/needy person. If you set it up ahead of time (it could even be a fake person), it'll be easier for them to accept your blatant attempts to distance yourselves. You just won't have time for it all. Then,...pretty soon, you'll be away from them and you will all have the understanding that you all just "grew apart". No harm done and no hard feelings. I'm all about not hurting feelings.

I did this with a gal whom I met at ECFE too and her frienship just came on too strong for me. She thought we were best friends or something even after only knowing her for a week or 2 and I just didn't feel the same. (I think she didn't have friends and was a bit desperate so she clung to me calling me 3-4 times a day). I started slowly and I even admitted to being a schmuck and apologized for not calling her back right away, but I was sooo busy taking care of my godmother (whom I haven't seen since I was 5 but didn't tell her that) that I've just been so busy and haven't had time to call her back. Eventually, she got it and stopped calling all together. (I think it took about 6 months.

I dont think you should just stop taking her calls or be "Busy" when you do take them. Be honest tell her how you feel about the way her and her husband treat each other. If you have been friends for a year and a half you should be able to just talk to her about it. Tell her how it makes you feel ask her why they act that way. As for the house ask her if ashe would like some help. Maybe she is sressed out from her personel life that she just doesnt feel like doing any cleaning. She may just need a little help or a shoulder to cry on or just an ear to listen. Dont just leave her out to dry. You may need a friend one day to help you out in need.

I would just gradually start not having much to do with them, just be busy all of the time. Your son won't be that hurt or bruised from missing his buddy. My daughter doesn't remember any friends from age2.

That's how I do it, call me chicken but I just gradually stop talking, don't answer calls but occasionally do but not make myself very interesting or available. They usually lose interest with me and depart with out hurt feelings or a big blow out.

K.,
I really beleive that people are put in your life for reasons. I would spend sometime praying about it your kids will be going there different ways when their in school and would just meet them out at parks or have them over. Everyone has highs and valleys in relationships. she might be at a low with her husband.
A.

Dear K.,
You mentioned that you and your husband knew the friends husband from a former church. Perhap's you and your husband might invite them to church. If you believe that the couple is suffering in a disrepectful marriage, their lack of boundries and organization may be due to lacking a bit in their Faith. In my heart, you should never give up on friends. Inviting them to Worship with you and your husband may help to guide them and promt them to ask clergy for advice to improve their marriage. If nothing else, if you must keep them at arms length, remember them in Prayer.
Your Friend,
C. M.

This is tough. I've been in your shoes and did what the other moms suggested. Sometimes I wish I had been more honest with them though, I'm sure it must have confused and hurt them.

Well i hate to say this to you but just because you dont like the fact that their house is not spotless well not everyone is like you .two well you need to talk to them about the issues that you have with them about personal space. just because you dont agree with them about things in there life well you need to look at your self and get off your high horse and moral high ground.your kids are friends and well you became their frined and when you are friend with some one you dont judge them you except them for who they are......

i know a little of how you feel. we have some friends that we have put space between us-we have one 5 year old and they have no children. what i have done is we have call id and sometimes i jsut don't answer the phone when she calls or don't return the call. we haven't gotten together with them like we use to. i know it doesn't sound very nice but we really don't have anything in common with them anymore. good luck!! and keep us posted as to how you are doing with this situation!!!!

I know a little bit of what you mean. Honesty is better than avoidance. Avoidance doesn't help! If you want to help your "friends" and be able to "move one" honest. Tell them that certain things about being with them make you uncomfortable. Maybe you can explain that for a while you would really prefer that if your children are going ot be friends that it is THEIR playdate and you would be happy to host it at your house. Set up very specific times to drop off and pick up. Make sure to be honest and let them know that you are not doing any of this to be rude. You might find out that this is a perfect opening for them to either ask for help, or to really examine what is going on in their lives.

If you are ok with your kids being friends, you could have all the playdates at your house or a neutral area (park, fast food place, etc).

You could add some other things to your social calendar and not be available for get-togethers because you're so busy.

You could try developing your friendship with the other mom through email rather than phone and face-to-face interaction. That way you can still be pals, but it would be more on your terms of when you reply and how involved you get in any one conversation. (And you might find that she tells you more personal stuff through email than she normally would, and that might help you understand her and her situation better.)

I'm just brainstorming ideas there.

The only time I had to deal with this type of thing before, I just suddenly wasn't available for calls and I declined every invite with a simple "No thank you. Thanks for thinking of me though." Eventually she stopped calling.

In theory, honesty is the best thing, but reality isn't always like that. I still don't like the idea of outright lying though. I'd rather just be constantly unavailable until you "grow apart."