27 answers

How to Forgive My Daughter.

Two years ago my daughter got pregnant and then married. Her husband which I liked moved in with us and they gave me my first grandson. "A light in my life" They lived with me for two years except for a short time they moved out on their own for about 4 months. They choose a place within walking distance of my home. They eventually split up and my daughter moved back in with my grandson within this same time period. They secretly reconciled and anounced they were moving to another state closer to his parents. I begged and pleaded that she not leave, but her mind was made up and with in two weeks they were gone.

Now I have the biggest broken heart of my life. My days are filled with tears and its been three months. My daughter thought I would just "adjust". It's not happening and I cant seem to forgive her. She is coming here for Thanksgiving to retrieve the rest of her things. I will get to see them again and watch them leave. I havent been able to talk to my grandson because I cry when I speak to either one of them. I cant accept them living away from me. What should I do?

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

First of all, thank you for taking the time and sharing your feelings with me. I cried reading each and every one of these responses. It took awhile to read them. Honestly, my heart is so broken over loosing this grandchild. Due to a response, I've decided to purchase a webcam while my daughter is here to try and keep in touch. My daughter knows there is nothing she could ever do to loose my love. She knows I am wrapped around her finger. I am not able to travel to visit them and they are far from here. I know God is in control and I pray ALOT. I am going to try to start over when they come. I pray you all have a great Holiday. Thank you again.

Thanks again.

More Answers

I know its hard to let go. I have a 19 yr old and 2 other girls 7 and 10 months. My 19 yr old has moved out and I miss her so much. I know it would be so hard if she moved out of state. I guess that is life though. I have a friend that her son just had a baby but she lives here in TN and he lives in PA and she gets to see him very little she has gone therre twice since his birth He is 3 months. You should really be thankful for having him in your life for as long as you did cause he has bonded with you and he will always remember you being there. Maybe they just need a new start and eventually maybe they will return.
You should really forgive your daughter this is probally the scariest thing she has ever done. I was adopted at the age of 2 I guess my mom didnt get to bond with me cause she really doesnt seem to care for me I love her with all my heart but I could never depend on her like your daughter can depend on you. Just calm down and stop crying on the phone so your little darling grandson can hear your wonderful voice cause he is probally mourning for you also. Ther is always a solution to every problem if you try. Please dont be angry at her just LOVE her. My children dont have a grandmother as wonderful as you so please dont lose that Make your grandson PROUD
PRAYING FOR YOUR WHOLE FAMILY

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have any tips but just wanted to send you ((((((((hugs)))))).

1 mom found this helpful

Oh My.. I really don't know how to tell you or what to tell you. I just wanted to write in and give you some *HUGS* because it sounds like you need them. I hope everything will work out. Maybe your daughter will realize that she has hurt you and that you miss the lil one very much. As far as talking to your grandson, talk all the time even through tears. this will let him know granman is still around.
&HUGS* i hope it gets better

It sounds like Nanna needs to go visit for a while. I know its tough, its hard for you to understand why she would leave. Maybe she feels its the only way for them to stay together if she agreed to go. Is she willing to send her son to stay with you for a week or so? Try to work things out with her so that you can switch up between going there to visit and him coming here to visit. I'm sure she's concerned and upset by how hurt you are by the situation. I don't think she would have left without thinking long and hard about it. I hope you feel better soon. Just pray for God to give you the strength you need to get through this tough time.

we kind of had this situation with us , we lived close to hubbys parents now we have moved and live closer to mine, you HAVE to think about the other grandparents , they deserve to see their grandchild too, you were spoiled by having him so close you could see him any time you wanted to now its their turn. I SERIOUSLY doubt they did all this just to make you upset. did they move because of a job or something like that or do they simply want to give the other grandparents a chance with their grandchild, or the grandchild chance to get to know his other grandparents, this isnt about you its about them and whats best for them. Something like this is rarely done to punish one grandparent. and if you want to see the grandchild that bad pack up and go visit THEM, heck my inlaws have been to visit EVERY 6 weeks without fail they have been here more in the past 6 months than my own parents have in the past year. Its not about forgiving her for what shes done its about you realizing that she didnt move to keep you away, she dosnt need forgiving she didnt do anything wrong.

I wish there was some advice I could give. Best thing I can do is send you big hugs and prayers. My boys are so young now I don't have to worry about this yet, but all you can do is tell yourself to visit them and get them to visit you as much as possible. And remind yourself, your daughter is doing what she feels is best. I live in the same town as my parents, but we only see each other once a week with the way our schedules are. Just hang in there and pray for guidance.

Hello S.,
My mother and I was in a simllar situation. I moved away to another state when my son was two months old and I was 21, For my husbands job.
Mama was soso hurt and every time i talk to her she would cry and evertime i seen her see would cry.
I missed her everyday and i talked to her every day on the phone. She is my mother and i never meant to disrespect her but it was time for me to Grow up and have a family of my own. It was soo very hard with mama being a single parent I just wanted to give my son the best.
It had been two years since i moved away and mama died in June. I miss her soo much and some times i do regert moving away but everthing happens for a reason and God has a plan for all us. It has taken my a long time to relize that. I have been away for two years so i know how to coupe a little not being with my mama so maybe God did that for me.
so Please dont not forgive your daughter forever just know that u did the best u could for her and now its her time to grow and give her family the best. Try to do some things that will help stay in touch. Like my mother and i got a webcam. And I emailed pics and lil video clips to here all the time.
I am crying now, your story insperes me b.c i know that maybe my envice can help.
I dont know your religon so i hope i did not offend You.
DES

Okay I am a young single mother also away from home and my parents. Life is about getting out on your own and making a life for you and your family( daughter, son in law and child) I dont see the problem. You should be happy for her, she is a mother, a wife and will always be your daughter!!! She loves you and Im sure she isnt doing anything to hurt you. She is growing up, which Im sure you want her to do, would you rather her be with you but be longing for her husband and uphappy. I am happy for her.. You should be too.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling such sadness right now. Big hugs to you. I know it's hard, but I do feel you should try to connect with and talk to your grandson. He's probably missing you too. I think your daughter was probably feeling caught in the middle when you were trying to get her to stay and her husband was wanting to move.

Maybe you can pray that God lift this burden from your heart. I think with time will come forgiveness and acceptance of the situation. Take care... and hang in there!

S.,

My husband, son, and I just moved away from the city where his mother lives (way across the country) to Atlanta, where we have no family. The day before we left, she was crying and acting all sad, and it really put a damper on our excitement. We are very excited to be here to a large extent because we are now at least closer to his other grandparents and step-grandparents, who all live in the eastern time zone. I moved away from home at 18 to go to college and have not lived in the city of my birth since. The fact that my mother encouraged me to branch out and explore new challenges really empowered me as a developing young woman and brought me even closer to her even though we are now 700 miles apart. You really have to think about your daughter's happiness, and the fact that she chose to live elsewhere is not a reflection of how she feels about you. Sometimes children need to strike out on their own to learn more about themselves and develop further into adulthood. It may not be any consolation, but in today's society, most families are separated by some distance, and we just have to work around it. Do your daughter a favor and focus on the positive experience she's having instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Also, plan on when you'll come to visit and enjoy their company. If you continue to wallow in sorrow about her leaving, I fear that she may come to resent you for making her feel guilty. I certainly would if my mother did that.

My heart goes out to you! It seems to me that you really love your daughter and her family and I imagine that it is hard having someone you love so much move away. I would bet that your daughter did not move away to hurt you but to do what she thinks is best for her family. I think that is a decision she has made that you, as a mother yourself, need to respect, even if you don't agree with it. Maybe writing her a letter to explan how you feel is a good idea. Tears come through in the written word, but the words still get said. Maybe you could take some time off work ,if only for a day or two, to go see them. Let them know just how much you love them, want to see them, spend time with them. THese are just some of my thoughts...

B. A.

S.,

I just want to tell you that I am a 34 year old mother of 2 precious girls, 2 years and 11 months old. I live 500 miles away from my parents and most of my family. I did not do that to hurt them. I love my parents more than anything. It does make me sad sometimes that we don't get to be closer to them and for them to see my little girls grow up. They do come to visit 3 or 4 times a year and we try to get up there at least 2 times a year.
The older I get, the more and more I wish we lived closer, but that is just where we are in our lives right now. My husband and I have jobs and a house here. This is where our lives are, at least for now.
I hope you can get through this. I know it is hard, especially when they were so close to you for so long. Just think about the good times you had and talk to them often and visit too. Good luck.
J.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you just can't expect your adult daughter to live her life for you. I'm so sorry that you've been missing your daughter and your grandson so much that you're in tears every day. But you (presumably) have a husband and other family members who are affected by your intense sadness.

At Thanksgiving, you should welcome your daughter and her family with open arms and brace yourself for another goodbye. The nicer the visit at Thanksgiving is, the more likely your daughter and her family will want to visit as soon as possible to spend time with you. You could also start planning weekends when you could visit them or depending on distance, maybe there's someplace your daughter and you could meet in the middle every other month for a weekend.

But you have to let your daughter make the decisions she feels are the best for her family, without feeling like she has to please you in the process. Maybe she and her husband felt like they just needed a clean start to provide the best home for their son. And who can blame them for that? You absolutely have to make a decision to forgive her and stick to it. It might be difficult, but the mercy of forgiveness is incredible - and the grace for the forgiver is immense. What a peace you can have.

Anyway, best wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you can enjoy the holiday with your beautiful family, including your daughter and grandson.

First, let me say I have a beautiful 14-month-old grandson and I would be destroyed if my daughter & her family moved away. I know yo want what is best for you daughter and her child, as any mother would. Try to look at this angle, you said you like her husband, is this move helping theto build a strong marriage and home for your grandson? If so then, try to be thankful! Pray alot, God will provide and guide if we turn our troubles and worries to him. He will provide the strength we don't have on our own. Start preparing yourself for their visit, so you can drink in every moment with her and grandson, you don't want to miss that opportunity.

I am in a situation similar to your daughter, except that the "injured party" is my mother-in-law. As I read your post, I was actually surprised that my MIL is not the only one who is hurt by such actions. We (my husband, 3yo daughter, and I) lived with my mom throughout my pregnancy, tried moving up to where my in-laws live for a couple of months after birth, moved back in with my mom until daughter was ten months, then moved in with in-laws for thirteen months. My mom has never given me problems of this nature, but she is a (in)different sort of grandmother... However, as appreciative as we were that both parents were willing to provide a roof for us, living in someone else's house is excruciatingly difficult. My in-laws didn't really have fun sharing a household with us, either, so I was shocked and dismayed to see MIL crying, and crying still, a year after we left. Your daughter has a family of her own and rightly should be wanting a place of her own. She is also in a seemingly rocky relationship, wherein she would benefit tremendously from your unconditional support. I say this if only to give you another perspective - - while living with my MIL, my husband and I came very close to splitting. And I honestly believed that my MIL wanted that to happen, or for me to die, so that she could raise my child. Although I've tried to abandon that belief because it's unreasonable, your post has given it new meaning. It sounds like you are not happy with the reconciliation, for whatever reason, and that is difficult to understand. Unless he is repeatedly beating her into the hospital, every opportunity they can give that grandson for a two-parent household should be supported by all involved. The desire to not have divorce and custody disputes was the only thing that kept us together at one time -- I came from a very broken home, with two divorces and two decade-long custody disputes - and now I see that my siblings, who were at the heart of the battles, are completely messed up young adults. You must ask yourself what is best for your grandson, first, and for your daughter AND her husband. They are probably both pretty young, and if they can get past the first big wrinkles, they may be able to have a great marriage, which is ultimately the goal for the little one. Try to see the situation your daughter is in, and please try to not add any pressure to her life. It seems you have a good relationship with her, and that is fantastic - make it better by supporting her decisions - no matter how stupid they are, no matter how they affect you directly. If moving to his parents' vicinity is what it takes to keep them together and get through a rough time, then it is a sacrifice you're going to have to make. I am sorry that I cannot be more sympathetic to your plight. I remind myself often that my MIL loves my daughter more than anything, and that one day I'll probably look back and change my tune, but at the moment this kind of needy behavior just angers me and my husband. The only results it brings my MIL is longer times between visits and phone calls, becasue we just can't handle her stress in our already stress-filled lives. It seems that no matter how much effort I make, it is never enough, not until we move back in or next door - which won't happen because of the course our lives have taken - better course for us. My husband's relationship with his mother is strained as a result of the guilt trips and tears and conversations into the night about why we are trying to hurt her. No one is trying to hurt anyone. We are just trying to make our own lives, and we want to include all family members, but without the mess. One story that may help - last Christmas my daughter received a baby doll and named her after my mom. No real reason, other than my mom was standing there when we asked her, "What's her name?", and that's the name she said. A few days later at MIL's house, when MIL asked her dolly's name, I was quite upset to watch my two-year old daughter begin to tell her, then stumble, and then tell her MIL's name. A two-year old baby was aware of the pressure MIL puts on us, and succumbed. And sure enough, when my husband immediately corrected the baby and told his mother what she'd originally named her doll, MIL left the room in tears. Later she said she understood - that the two-year old baby attached a name arbitrarily to a doll, after a series of conversations about learning people's real names, instead of Mommy, Daddy, Grandpa, etc. (she really likes my mom's unique name, Claudia) - but the child still had to witness the outburst, and was - worst of all - anticipating it. I am sure it is difficult for you to get used to not having him around, and perhaps even more difficult to think of him being around the other grandparents. But don't let him know about your sadness. Just try to do visits, emails, phone calls - which will get frustratingly difficult as he reaches an age where he'll refuse - don't take it personally, it's frustrating for your daughter, too, and send him things in the mail. Even send him videos of yourself - there are a lot of things you can do in lieu of frequent visits in efforts to remain an important part of his life. Just try not to be a sour part of it, and if you are for his parents, you will be for him. Again, I'm sorry for your pain, but you must let go. For everyone's sake - including your own. Also, viewing the grandchild as something they "gave" you, or viewing this situation as losing a grandson, may be adding to your torment. Just a thought.

Being a military wife, my advice is to be happy that your grandchild will now know his other grandparents. You have to share him with the other side of the family too. We moved from Virginia, same town as both of our parents, to Anchorage Alaska. yes our parents were upset but were also happy for us to begin our time as a family. I guess what I am trying to say is trust that you rasied your daughter right and that she will be fine and just enjoy your time having an adult daughter. Find a hobby to do to get your mind off the fact that she isn't there all the time. The hurt will go away but as for forgiving your daughter for moving??? That sounds a little strange to me. You should always forgive!!!!!! That is part of being a good parent. Just my 2 cents worth.

Your daughter hasn't done anything for which she needs to be "forgiven". She is an adult trying to move on with her life. Maybe moving away from you is a big step for her in achieving a sense of independence. It would be so much more helpful to her if you could be supportive instead of making her feel guilty by crying. I live 12 hours from my and my husband's family. It can be hard for us and I know the grandparents wish they could see my kids more, but they know the door is always open for visits and we have still been able to foster a close relationship between them and my kids through always talking about them (and to them) and sending things back and forth through the mail. Believe me... mine are still small and I know that "letting go" in the future will be MUCH easier said than done, but please try to be supportive of her move.

I don't know if the question should be how to forgive your daughter, but more of how to go on with them so far away. My mother and I went through the same thing almost 2 years ago. My husband got a job in SC and we were in MI at the time. My 5 year old had seen my parents almost 4 times a week for his whole life. We moved due to a job opportunity and it was extremely hard. My mother said it was actually like a death!! The web cam is a great idea, we have one too. The only thing I can say is to make sure you try to be part of the childs life as much as possible. Don't let the "out of sight, out of mind" thing happen to you. As for your daughter there really shouldn't be anything to forgive. She is doing what she thinks is best for her family. You should actually wish her the best and make the most of the time you do have together rather than holding a grudge. Good luck. The whole situation does suck, but it gets better with time.

My in-laws live in Canada and we live here in Tennessee. We started out living in Canada for the first few years during the summer, then moved permanently here.I have two children who are my in-laws only grandchildren.They have been long distance for about 5 years now, and it took them a couple years to get "adjusted".Its never easy to live long distance from your children, and it takes a long time to adjust.I hope your daughter has the patience to understand how hard it is for you.However,she has not done anything to you in such a negative manner that you have to forgive her for anything.She is an adult now,and has her own responsibilities to deal with that do not involve you.She does not have to get permission from anyone to move or remarry even though you helped her in the past.You are her mother...that is an automatic duty as a mother to be their for your children.We shouldn't expect anything in return as parents.You should be proud of your daughter for being so independent...especially if she hasn't so in the past.

Dear Nanna,
Forgiveness is not about what the other person did to you, if they comprehend the hurt you feel, or even if they are remorseful for their actions. Forgiveness is about you. If you are a christian, then you realize that there is nothing the Lord cannot forgive us from. Nothing. When you ask God to take the anger, hurt, resentment from your heart so that you can love without fear, without pain... it is so that you can move forward. The pain of losing your daughter and grandson in proximity to your home may not go away, as that is a valid feeling. You wouldn't be a good Nanna if you didn't miss them and wish they were closer. The loss of the relationship with your daughter and eventually your grandson will potentially be regained and rebuilt if you can forgive her. You can forgive someone, even if they don't ask for it, want it, or even care. When the pain surfaces, it is okay to feel. Instead of being resentful of her choice, ask God to help you deal with it. If the marriage doesn't succeed, your daughter may feel that she can return to you for support... if she believes that you have forgiven her. Remember, the only person you can change in any situation is you. Begging, Wishing, Pleading... may work... it may not... But you have the power to choose how you respond to the situation.
Good Luck and God Bless!

There is nothing to "forgive" her for. Of course you are going to be hurt and disappointed (for you, but not IN her), but you should be happy that your daughter is trying to get her family back together. You have obviously been an important part of her and your grandson's life and always will be. I understand you are hurt and maybe angry, but you have got to look past that and continue to have the relationship that you always have had with them. Your grandson doesn't understand any of this, but I guarantee that he knows that he hasn't talked to Nana and doesn't understand why.

Hang in there and remember to send letters, emails, and make lots of phone calls-and visit as often as possible. The hurt will always be there, but you have to be strong for your sake as well as your family's.

My husbands family lives 4 hours away from us so we don't get to see them often. I HATE that b/c they are such wonderful people and even from 4 hours away are more involved than my family who lives 30mins away! But ever since my 22mo was born I called his nana almost every day and now when she sees him b/c he's heard her voice so much he instantly knows her and goes to her without a problem. I think communication is very important and just letting him hear your voice will keep him close. See about getting a webcam and maybe that'll be a way you can see him every day if you want. Just don't loose the communication and keep a happy face and cry afterwards(or before and get it out of the way..lol) Good luck I hope everything works out for you

Its time you let your daughter grow up.I know being a mom thats hard to do.I moved away from my mom when I was 18 to another state with my two children.Since then,I have had 3 more kids.My mother only gets a chance to se us maybe once a year.
I think you should forgive your daughter because if you don't you might not get too see her for along time.

It sounds like your daughter has grown up and has her own family and life to deal with, as well as you. As hard as it may be, you've just got to realize that she can't stick around simply because you want her to. She has a husband and son to think of now, and they are her main priority. It's natural for children to grow up and leave the nest, even if it means moving to another state. And it doesn't sound like she did it to be spiteful towards you. It seems she and her husbnad talked and decided that is what they should do. I think in this situation, you're going to have to get control of yourself because even though letting go of children/grandchildren is hard, there's nothing you can do about it. If you are mad when you see them @ Thanksgiving you are going to put a strain on you and your daughter's relationship which is unnecessary. You definitely don't need that. You'll get used to her living so far away, and only seeing her a few times a year. Maintain your relationship with all of them through e-mail, mail, and the phone. Who knows, maybe you could go visit them sometime? It can be worked out. This is not as horrible a situation as it seems right now. Give it some time, and work on consciously letting her go, especially reminding yourself that you have no control over the situation (as far as where they decide to live), but that everything will be ok.

S.,

I read your story and it sounded similar to mine. I, on the otherhand, was on the other end...your daughter's position. I was offered a position a few hours from my hometown a few months ago. I decided to take it and move. My parents were pretty supportive but I could tell it was breaking my mother's heart. I am 31 years old, I have two daughters of my own and have never lived away from my parents.

Here's the thing....you have to let your daughter make her own decisions. You need to support her. The less support you show her, the less she's going to want to even call, much less visit. This is probably a pretty stressful time for her too, so you really need to try and look past your wants and help support her with hers. You were given a chance to make your own decisions, it's time to let her make hers without making her feel guilty. If she were to stay here and divorce her husband without following her heart on this, she might wonder "what if" for the rest of her life and possibly blame you in the meantime...would you want that to possibly come between you and your daughter in the future? And something else you might want to ask yourself now....do you want this decision to wreck what you have??

She needs the freedom to try to do this and see if this will help her marriage. It might be the best thing for her, it might not. Regardless, you need to be there for her. She sounds like she really needs a strong person to lean on during this big transition...although it may be hard, you really need to try to be that strong person for her.

Just so you know, my situation didn't work out. I had to move back to my hometown. I was devistated. But the one thing that I CAN say...my mother supported me on my decision to move, I admire her for that. And, she never once uttered the words "I told you so", I amire her even more for that.

Good luck....let me know how it goes.

K.

S.,
As a daughter, I can relate to your daughter, I am asuming that her thought is that if they move away from the situation they can get a new start. My mother didnt like the thought that I wanted to move away and tried to take my kids.She did manage to take them for a year and a half and refused to let me have them until married and he could not meet the kids until we were married. needless to say it caused alot of problems between us and we did get married.within a month we got the kids. I wasnt only moving to get away from the situation it was also because my husband Joined the Army so he could provide for our family. She was very bitter and wanted to controll my every move. When I moved I left with no notice and didnt call for 2 years. I finally called her last christmas and now we are closer than we have ever been. I went to visit this summer and it was great. I know how badly she was hurt by losing her grand children but you have to let your daughter put her family first even if it means moving. Alot of people dont realize how seperation and divorce affects the kids. I was a child of a divorce and all 5 of our children are from divorces. they struggle with not being able to have a relationship with the other parent. If he isnt abusive toward her or her child, than I think she needs to try to make it work. Every one has problems and disagreements and when they are young diorce seems to be the answer in the moment of anger. Be thankful she is willing to call and visit because I swore Id never talk to my mom again. I am thankful we are able to be so close now, it just took some time. Now we both know what we have to lose and we appriciate eachother more. Give her time and she will begin to call and visit more often.

Why do you have to forgive her? As a mother I can completly understand your feelings. But, she still has to live her own life. She has to make her own mistakes. It's terrible hard. My kids are everything to me and I truly feel your pain. My 17 year old just FINALLY got out of an abusive relationship. But, she had to make that decission on her own. Boy, it was so hard for me. I fought every step of the way. The bad thing....so did she. Have a realationship with your daughter. Don't spend your time consumed with anger and hurt. My kids ask me " Mom? What are going to do with yourself when we all leave home?" I freaked out! I couldn't answer. My oldest laughed and said we'll get you a dog...lol..They did and he is just like one of my kids. Spoiled Rotten. Now, as a single mother. I know how hard it is to let go. Because my kids are all I have ever had and they are my very reason for exsitence. But, God has everything mapped out for us. Soooo, enjoy spending time with her. Not arguing everytime you get to see her and talk to her. It will only push her farther away. I reconciled once with my ex. behind my moms back just because I didn't want to hear her yell at me. Moms have a way of seeing the things our kids can't. Maybe she didn't want to dissapoint you. Think about how many things you kept from your parents just to spare them pain and shame. God Bless.

Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.