How to Explain but Not Explain a Parents Absence

Updated on February 10, 2008
S.W. asks from Fort Worth, TX
7 answers

My boyfriend is going to rehab and will be gone for the next two months I am trying to figure out what I should and shouldn't say to my step daughter who is 6. Also what to tell family mainly mine I DO NOT want to tell them the whole truth because they will judge him and never except him. Believe me I know its not ideal that he has to go to rehab but at least he is wanting to better himself for our family. Oh and by the way its a drinking problem not a drug one. Anyone that can give me any advice please do. Just waned to post alittle more. It is my family that would not be supportive about him going to rehab.. his knows that he is going and thankful that he is getting help. And my step daughter ( we are not married yet but we have been together for 5 years and we plan to get married soon) does live with her mother but we see her every other weekend and on Thursday. He dose not want his X to know b/c she uses every excuse she can think off to keep her from us. When he went in to the Navy she said that he was giving up his right to visits even though his mother went to pick up his daughter for every visit. So I do not plan on talking to her about any of this. I try to get along with his X but she does not like me b/c her daughter now calls me mom and throws a fit when she has to go home at the end of our visits. I just wanted some ideas on how and what to tell a six year old with out her worrying or makeing her feel like her daddy left her. And also what to tell my parents who would forever think of him as a BAD person becuse he had to go to rehab.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for everyones advice. I decided to just tell my family that he has to work out of town on the weekends for the next few weekends. We dont see them that much anyways. As for his X whell she has never asked before where my bf is when I pick up her daughter and 90 percent of the time I am the one picking her up. Most of the time she dosnt seem to care who is picking her up or even what we are doing tht weekend. Just wanted to know what everyone thought

More Answers

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J.C.

answers from Dallas on

I have to totally agree with Emily B. Though it's hard, I think being honest is the most important thing. I think you should be proud of your boyfriend, which it sounds like you are. This is a very humbling time for him as well and the fact that he is taking the steps to improve his life and the lives of those around him is definitely praiseworthy. If your family and the ex are going to judge him for doing something that is good and is for the betterment of your family, I think the problem lies with them, not you or your boyfriend. You'll feel better for having it all out there, because the little white lie will just eat at you for the next couple of months. I would just be open and honest up front and leave it at that. And I would be very firm and make it clear that there's really no room for discussion after it's out there. A simple, this is what's going on, this is what we're doing about it and call it over.

As for the situation with the ex and daughter, I really don't have much to offer on that. I don't know the law enough to know what rights the ex has in this situation. If your boyfriend isn't there for his given custody responsibilities does she have to leave her with you? I guess my thought is that kids that age will talk without even knowing they are divulging something that you wish they wouldn't. A simple, "Daddy wasn't there tonight" will prompt the ex to call you to find out what's going on. If your boyfriend isn't in rehab yet, I would suggest that he work that out with his ex before he leaves. And if he is already, is there no way for him to contact her to work it out?

Good luck.

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M.G.

answers from Tyler on

Is it possible for you guys to say that he is going away for work? That's one way...

Or how about to visit a sick family member.

I don't know your situation, or how close you are to your family, but I can understand family judgements - they bite hiney. For the sake of saving anger, sometimes the white lie is ok... Try for him going out of town for a temporary job - or temp transfer, etc.

Good Luck

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E.T.

answers from Dallas on

not sure what to tell your stepdaughter, but make sure you get yourself in al-anon. It's a lifesaver!!!

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E.D.

answers from Dallas on

It's shamefull isn't it that our families have to JUDGE when they should be hugging and helpful instead. KUDOS to him for getting himself together. I hope it works. Addiction is a hard habit to break. I think it is FANTASTIC that he is getting help and I am so so sorry that your family or his (if that is the case) wouldn't help.

Regarding the child. I think that she should know that daddy is going away to "fix himself" and take responsibility for a problem he has. While she won't understand now, and she doesn't NEED the details, it is OK for her to know that part of the truth. There are counselors at schools and child psychologists who could/would help explain it in a way she will understand. My son was not quite three when his daddy went away the first trip to Iraq. I took him to Dr. Gumm off Precinct Line Road. He was very helpful in managing my saying/doing the right thing for my son.
If her mother is active in her life, or she lives with her mother, then she needs to be involved in what will be told to her daughter.
UGH... it's such a sticky situation.
If you LIE to everyone, you are doing HIM a diservice as he should be PROUD of himself. Everyone has problems... we do our best fo fix them. And you are also making a bad situation worse. If I found out my child's father was in Rehab and I didn't know... I'd be upset. Plus, how will visitation be handled while he isn't home? Will you even see her...

UGH

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C.S.

answers from Amarillo on

When you refer to your stepdaughter--are you talking about his daughter? If it's not his daughter, just say he's out of town for a while, if it is his daughter, maybe her mom should be the one explaining things to her. Good Luck!

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B.W.

answers from Dallas on

all I can tell you is that my ex and I separated when the kids were 2 mo and 16 mo. One of his many problems was alcohol. I always told my children the truth about their father - that he made poor choices....but I told them about those choices (never all the details) as was age appropriate...I cannot stress enough not to lie...even though his rights were terminated I still never talked 'bad' about him but truthfully about good and bad choices and consequences. Their dad passed last year and they met one of their cousins who was much more detailed that I ever was. My kids are now teens and are grateful and trust me that much more for not lying.......6 years olds are smarter than you think.....if she was around him she knows he has an alcohol problem.....hth

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T.H.

answers from Dallas on

I new here and the only thing I can come up with is maybe tell your step daughter he is going out of town for work for a little bit and it will be hard to contact him where he is going at first or dont even give that much detail. I mean my kids are 8 and still blurt things out so I think the truth wouldnt be good for her. As for your family, if they are that judgemental I am sorry I can understand but be glad he is seeking the help he needs for you and his daughter. As far as X's go if you arent married to him she may can keep you from her since he is gone and she would have to be told as to why he isnt taking his visitations or when the little girl comes home and says daddy wasnt there he is away. But he needs to be the one to tell his X not you. And that maybe while he is away could you still pend time with her? I know you may not wanted to hear any of that but I hope some helps you and I wish you all the best of luck. Trust me I have an X in almost 14 years we still dont get along I get along better with his wife. LOL.

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