How to Explain Autistic Child to My 4 Year Old Daughter?

Hi there. There are two good books that may help you explain the differences between your daughter and Hayden. Actually it is a good life lesson for her to understand that there are all kinds of different people in the world and Hayden is one of them who looks at the world a different way. The books are : My Brother Charlie and Since We're Friends. Both these books are aimed at pre-school age through 2nd grade. They are easy to read and very visual. Perhaps your local library may carry them. Good Luck.

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Maybe this will help explain it to her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsmjwHW40ps

It's an episode of Arthur where the character George befriends a kid with Asberger's syndrome (not completely the same, but similar enough to explain to a four year old). The character even has a moment where he becomes really upset and reacts badly. They take time to explain what it feels like to have Asbergers too. It may be something you can watch with your daughter and talk about.

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You could try role playing with your daughter and ask her to show you how she would communicate to you that she is tired, hungry, angry, scared, upset, shy, nervous, happy, or sad if she could not use words. Afterwards, ask her to tell you how it felt to try to tell you those things without words and explain to her that Hayden isn't able to use words as easily as she and the other kids can, so he uses his body to express himself. Explain to her that not all of his behavior is okay, which is why he had consequences and why his dad eventually took him out. Also explain that some of it may seem unusual to her because he is "talking" with his body instead of with words. But at the same time, explain to her that everyone needs to show Hayden love and friendship by not calling him naughty or bad and by doing everything possible to make the class a peaceful place so he can be calm and learn.

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I've always told my son that autistic kids have brains that are different. That they learn differently, behave differently, communicate differently, It's not an indicator of "naughty" but something that makes them communicate and behave and respond differently. When he was much smaller--I compared it to some disabilities that he could understand....not a choice, like being blind, but what IS for that person.

Here's a really good explanation from http://kidshealth.org/kid/health_problems/brain/autism.html geared toward explaining it to a child:
What Does Autism Mean?

Autism (say: aw-tih-zum) causes kids to experience the world differently from the way most other kids do. It's hard for kids with autism to talk with other people and express themselves using words. Kids who have autism usually keep to themselves and many can't communicate without special help.

They also may react to what's going on around them in unusual ways. Normal sounds may really bother someone with autism — so much so that the person covers his or her ears. Being touched, even in a gentle way, may feel uncomfortable.

Kids with autism often can't make connections that other kids make easily. For example, when someone smiles, you know the smiling person is happy or being friendly. But a kid with autism may have trouble connecting that smile with the person's happy feelings.

A kid who has autism also has trouble linking words to their meanings. Imagine trying to understand what your mom is saying if you didn't know what her words really mean. It is doubly frustrating then if a kid can't come up with the right words to express his or her own thoughts.

Autism causes kids to act in unusual ways. They might flap their hands, say certain words over and over, have temper tantrums, or play only with one particular toy. Most kids with autism don't like changes in routines. They like to stay on a schedule that is always the same. They also may insist that their toys or other objects be arranged a certain way and get upset if these items are moved or disturbed.

If someone has autism, his or her brain has trouble with an important job: making sense of the world. Every day, your brain interprets the sights, sounds, smells, and other sensations that you experience. If your brain couldn't help you understand these things, you would have trouble functioning, talking, going to school, and doing other everyday stuff. Kids can be mildly affected by autism, so that they only have a little trouble in life, or they can be very affected, so that they need a lot of help.

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When I read your question, it made me think of something a professer said to me about practicing empathy. In one of my psych classes, we studied schitzophrenia and the hallucinations that frequently go with it. What appears "crazy": to us is actually pretty normal and adaptive. I mean if you heard voices, you would talk back to them right?

What limited amount I know, autistic people process the world differently. It is not about good/bad or smart/dumb etc.. It is more about how they filter information. I might explain to your daughter, in kid friendly terms, that everyone has different thresholds of what they can handle and different abilities (to learn, stay calm, tolerate loud noises, etc). Just tell her he is a regular little boy who handles things differently because he is more sensitve to certain things. It is not okay for him to hurt others or act out, but she needs to understand there is a difference between acting badly because you want to and acting "badly" because" you can't do better.

Obviously, I (and maybe you) don't know how much of this behacior is autism and how much is parentling; He may not be able to handle a classroom setting,without professional help, etc. However, the point she needs to understand is that his behavior is not necessarily purposeful defiance but a reaction because he can only handle so much. There are probably situations where she loses control of her emotions or is even just grumpy. Explain that there might be more things that make him feel that way.

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I would just tell her that, " Everyone has challenges and right now, he has more than some other people. They are trying to get him the help he needs." I've had behavior issues with one of my children, we do the best we can and I'm sure these parents are trying to figure out what to do. Believe me, it is overwhelming from every angle....

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Amom, just so you know, people with Autism are not "sick." It's not a mental illness.

As for the original question, you need to keep it simple. "Hayden did some naughty things/things he shouldn't do because he was having a bad day. You have bad days sometimes too, right? Remember the day you were so grumpy that you ____ and you got in trouble?"

Once you get her to empathize with him, then you can tell her, "When Hayden has bad days, it's not as easy for him to remember the rules as it is for you. That's because his brain works a little differently than yours. He feels things the same way, he likes to play like you do, but he thinks about things differently and remembers things differently. That doesn't mean he's a naughty boy. It just means that he needs some extra help sometimes, and a little extra understanding. There's a name for the way his brain works... it's called Autism."

As she gets older, you can answer her questions in more detail as is age appropriate. Let her ask questions, but this may satisfy her for now. Don't overload her.

Your daughter is at that prime age where she's a rule follower and she likes things neatly and in order... prime for entering kindergarten next year. But Hayden, even if he's the same age, is living in an extended toddlerhood and probably will be for several years due to having Autism. He's going to need more practice remembering rules, following rules, controlling his impulse control (which he has less of to begin with), and paying attention to how his actions affect others. Your daughter is learning all of these things on target, but Hayden is developmentally behind. All your daughter sees is his age and size.

My daughter comes against this too with children who haven't been with her in school since kindergarten or first grade. A lot of her classmates have been with her through preschool. They know she's different, they know she's special and they're protective of her even when she's a bit "naughty" but they don't know the name for why (most of them don't because of privacy laws, the teacher can't tell them, so unless I tell their parents or they grew up with her then they don't know it's ASD).

Anyway... please don't take this as a criticism, but take care to note when you speak about people WITH Autism. When you talk about someone being Autistic, it ought to be in the abstract but even then it's polite to refer to them as HAVING Autism.

The reason is because ASD is not the defining characteristic of someone. The disorder is not the person. The person HAS the disorder. You wouldn't say someone "is chicken pox" or "is depression" or "is Bi-Polar II." You would say that they "have chicken pox," "have depression," and "have Bi-Polar II." It's the same with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

It might be semantics, but it humanizes the disorder and personalizes it. It puts a face to ASD.

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Respond to your daughter "yes, I know what he did was naughty, but he cannot help it because he is sick has to have extra care and attention to help him behave like he should".

PS Disclaimer: I am responding to this M.'s post and not intentionally trying to offend anyone with an autistic child. I know 1st hand how difficult it is to explain to the rest of the world what you go thru.

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I'm confused.... where is the sarcasm in Amom2' s answer? she states that she knows 1st hand how difficult it is?? You might not like her advice, but it doesn't appear to have been written w/ sarcasm as it's intent.

SM- offers many good points.

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I think you must be reading Amom2 wrong. I would use almost those exact words to explain it to my daughter. And I would stop using the word "naughty" to describe any child. The behavior is "naughty" not the child. He has little self control, and probably should have an aide (like a teen from the congregation to help redirect him when he gets upset) in the classroom. The others here gave you some great advice about videos to watch, etc... I would take it one step further and show the Arthur episode to the Sunday school class, so that everyone can understand what Hayden is going through

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I've explained to young children about my own autistic son that he thinks different from you or I. I've learned that most children do not understand what autism is but if you explain it in simple terms such as children like Hayden think differently and therefor react in inappropriate ways sometimes it helps the child asking to understand a bit more. I've stressed to any children who've asked that children who have autism, their brain's work in a different way that doesn't allow them to always have self control.

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Well, he has been naughty if you use that term for not following the rules. Even tho he's autistic he should still be required to follow the rules or his environment needs to be altered to fit his needs.

My grandson is on the autism spectrum scale and has developmental disabilities. He was very prone to violence at that age. The professionals working with him said that it does help to realize he's autistic but he still needs consequences when he misbehaves. In the case you cited, he should've been removed from the classroom before he got so out of control.

I don't know of any way that you can explain autism to her so that she would understand. Even adults don't understand.

I suggest your focus needs to be on having a plan for when he misbehaves. Or perhaps it needs to be accepted that he doesn't fit in the classroom. I suggest that if he's to be in your classroom he needs a coach with him so that the coach can help to manage his behavior. The coach needs to understand autism to be most effective.

I suggest that the professional(s) working with him and his family could help you and a coach understand better how to manage him and would have suggestions on what to say to the 4 year olds in your class.

I suggest that it's possible the reason she keeps bringing this up is that she doesn't understand why he didn't get in trouble. I don't understand why he wasn't disciplined in some way if by nothing except to be removed from the classroom. If another child did this, what would happen? He should not be excused because he's autistic tho there are better ways than some to deal with him because of his autism.

I suggest that he can be taught to know better but he has difficulty with impulse control. Because of that the environment needs to be set up so that he has more outside controls than the average child.

After your SWH. I'm glad that happened. I understand about it happening so fast. I think that your telling your daughter that he is different than she in that he isn't able to control his actions like she can would be sufficient. I'm just suggesting that she doesn't understand why he's not naughty. I don't use the word naughty with children and therefore may not understand how you identify misbehavior of everyone including the autistic child. I suggest he is naughty in a child's terms and it would be less confusing if you identify his behavior in the same way you identify hers while at the same time telling her he is different as you are doing.

I do not understand your comment about AMom2. I do not see or hear anything sarcastic about her statement. She said succinctly what took me several paragraphs to say. He was naughty but he has a condition that requires he have extra help in learning how to behave.

I combine that with S.H.'s comments on empathy. We do want to have empathy for his condition. It is not easy being him. He does need help. Perhaps his condition means he won't be on the naughty list but he will still be helped to learn that hitting is not acceptable.

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My four year old also wondered why an autistic (fairly "high functioning" if that's the right term...of course there's a big spectrum and individuality!) child he knows is "mean" and "breaks the rules.". I said "He has autism which makes it hard for him to understand how other people feel," and fielded further questions by explaining a little about how he was just born that way, it's how his brain works, and all the things he is able to do, etc. My kid seems to "get it," at least so far. Good luck, regardless! It certainly can be difficult to explain to a young child for whom rules and behavior are becoming a central topic of life why some kids appear to "get away with" breaking some of those rules. Hopefully, telling it like it is may do the trick. Best wishes!

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