How to Discipline a Stubborn 2 Year Old

Updated on December 03, 2010
B.B. asks from San Diego, CA
24 answers

My daughter will be 3 in January and she is amazing, independant, sweet, helpful and bright...but very strong willed (aren't they all at this age?). I am finding myself at my wits end trying to get out of the house. She is in a phase where she wants to dress herself head to toe and then redress herself over and over. She trys to wear outfits to dress up like different people or characters..some days it's mommy, some days it's Dora and somedays it's her baby brother. It's been 50 degrees out lately and she insists on wearing shorts and tank tops. Or sweatshirts and uggs when it's 90 degrees. Not to mention, half the time her outfits don't match at all. I am finding that my fuse is getting really short...I am not a yeller, but lately, I feel like I find myself so overwhelmed and not knowing how to express my frustration to her without yelling. For example, today we had to be at school at 8:30. We were all dressed and ready to walk out the door and as I am brushing my teeth, she changed her outfit head to toe and then took out her braids. She didn't match at all and then brought in a new bow and asked for a pony tail. I just don't know how to handle this. We were 15 minutes late for school and she was crying because I told her she can't change her clothes and hair after we already get her ready. How should I be handling these situations? They arise every day and I'm exhausted..not to mention I have a crazy amount of laundry and clean up from this new habit. Thank you for your advice! I need HELP!

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C.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

Okay, who cares if she doesn't match? she is 2.

take all the warm weather clothing and pack it up. tanks, shorts etc. If it isn't therev she can not wear it.

Pick out the clothes the night before, undies, pants, socks, shirt, hair band etc... lay it out on the floor.

I have 3 kids, my 3 yr old is a girl, the boys never did this. ever. I love the funky weird outfits my daughter picks out. I am having agood day when the fight isn't abot shoes vs. slippers.

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

The wonderful world of little girl independence!!

Have her getting dressed be the last step in the daily routine. Buy her a bathrobe. Have her wear that, 'like all the movie stars!' to brush her hair in the morning, eat breakfast, watch tv., etc. While you and the rest of the gang are getting ready she gets to pick out one full outfit and set it on the table next to the door. Then 5-10m before you HAVE to leave, have her get dressed, fix her hair and out the door you go!

As for all of the laundry, if she only had an outfit on for 10m inside, unless she spilled something on it, it should go back into the drawer, not the hamper.

As for wearing the wrong season, put the 'out of season' clothes out of sight.

Good luck!
M.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

That is what they do, at this age.
It is developmental.

If she does not match... then so be it. MANY toddlers even go to school like that, my daughter too, or they do in pajamas. So be it.
If they don't match... so what. No biggie.

Only give her 2 choices.
If she cries, well that can't be helped.

And, always have back-up clothing in the car... ie: a jacket, shoes etc. That is what I did. I also explained to the Teacher.... and left her jacket in her cubby. Preschool Teachers... KNOW kids this age do that....

Yes, it can be exasperating.... Ugh.

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L.A.

answers from Minneapolis on

Gosh! I've been there.

I had to re-train myself to think about and approach things differently. One example is Meagan's suggestion of putting things that you don't want her to wear away from where she can get to them. Ta-dah! the battle is ended before it's begun. Another example is that I left when it was time to leave - whatever state DS was in, was how he went. I had a bag with "normal" clothes with me and he was all for changing when we go to the parking lot. It saved me TONS of time and again, battles. If she still doesn't want to change, put the bag in her cubby and call it a day. She's there, healthy,clean and fed. The rest is up to the daycare.

At four, I told my DS stories about what he did at 3 and he thought I was crazy and making things up. He had grown up so much by then. (we had new challenges, of course.) His level of understanding had grown dramatically.

To help with ideas, get "Playful Parenting". This is a way to look at things so that they're appealing to toddlers (and up). For the spiritedness, read "Raising your Spirited Child" by Kurcinka. It will help YOU relax as well as give you some great ideas.

Good luck! Over the years, I've realized that every battle avoided - while keeping the rules (yes! it can be done) is one more situation that strengthens your family closeness and *this* is worth it's weight in gold. You become a trusted ally. Who wouldn't want that? It's woth the effort of re-training yourself. I've been there and would do it again in a heartbeat.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Give her a choice of two outfits, maybe?

Make sure the "tossed" stuff gets folded & put back away.

Also--preschool teachers have seen it all--it's OK if she goes to school in jammys and a coat and boots! :-)

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M.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Oh my! B.! I am reading your post and it seems like I wrote it myself!
I have a daughter that will be 6 in January and we go through exactly the same thing every morning!
Always late to school and I am always late to work with no breakfast and dressing like %#$% because it's about her clothes and hair! She cries tears if she does not like what she's wearing!
Same thing with summer dresses in winter.... it's irritating...
This is what we have been doing lately and "kind of" working: the night before if possible, we pick two outfits and lay them on bed. She has only two options... Still when i pick her up from school and places she is with bare minimum clothes in the rain. :/
Are you into clothes? I am...so she picked it up from me a bit I guess...
Good luck! and remember.... "this too shall pass" :)

ps: mine is a Capricorn too!!!

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L.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Oh my, isn't this the most challenging age. Here are two suggestions:

The first is from my sister, who had much the same problem with clothing changes and requests: She had a button made that said "I dressed myself today" and her daughter wore it proudly while my sis avoided the embarrassment of mismatched outfits!

The second is my observation about my own kids at that age: Between 2 and 3 children figure out that they really are their own person, autonomous from mom and dad. They really want to exert some independence and control over their own lives. Give her limited choices.

Start with a statement like "The weather is cold today" then a question "What clothes are good for cold weather?" Have her pick out a few (no more than three) outfits that match the weather. Then ask her "Which of these outfits would you like to pick for today?" Once she has chosen - remind her that all decisions are FINAL and that she cannot change her mind. Now comes the hard part - IF she does want to change her mind after SHE has selected her outfit remind her in a calm and supportive voice, "Sweetie, this is the one you picked and I think you did a good job so we are not going to change." Do not raise your voice. Do not lose your cool....once you have done that, she has "won" and there is no turning back. You will be amazed at how few days of this consistent response it will take to win the war!

As for the hair, once it is done, it is done. If you need to, let her go to school with it messy or unbraided. The hair will get in her way and she will want it tamed the next time....discipline by natural consequences!

The key is for you to stay centered and calm because the minute she has gotten you wound up, she is in total control. Deep breaths, mantras or prayer, whatever it takes!
Love L.

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A.S.

answers from Detroit on

Let her wear her kookie outfits. Just make sure she is warm enough and leave it at that. I wanted to wear my bright red cowboy boots with a pair of hand me down parachute pants and a pink t-shirt... My mom knew I looked like a goon, but she just said, 'what the heck...' What harm can it do to let her be herself?

As a fellow Capricorn... I can tell you that this stubborn independance will not change. I would say that if anything... Explain that she better think long and hard about what she wants to wear and make this suggestion the night before. Make her give you a final decision before she goes to bed... And both of you must stick to that final decision. Also, this stubborn independance will be beneficial later in life. : )

We Capricorns are set in our ways.

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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

I second MechanicMama -you won't get a Capricorn -child or adult -to change our minds once they're set! If we do, we'll never let you know it! My mother always said, "We don't know where you came from." I told her when I was three that I wanted my own apartment (and I did). I spent most of my childhood waiting until the moment I could break out on my own and live on my own -and I had a great childhood and a great homelife for the most part! I left high school at age 16 and went off to college. Just be glad she has determination -it will get her far. Let her wear shorts and a tank top one day when it's 50 degrees. Pack something warmer, because she'll want it in about 5 minutes. I do this with my (non) Capricorn son all the time. You don't want to wear your coat? Fine -it's cold -but you'll see. He always wants it or his socks or whatever in a few minutes. If she doesn't -well -being cold doesn't actually make you sick! Don't worry about the matching. I know we want our kids to look good, but she'll get it together eventually. It's just a phase of expressing herself and her idea of herself through her clothes. She'll learn how to do that properly with your guidance. It's fine to tell her she doesn't match and her top would look much better with something else. Eventually she'll get it! She won't credit you with it -but she will!

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M.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

let go of the power struggles over clothes. totally not worth it. ultimately, who cares what she wears?

but if her behavior is having a bigger impact than her clothes not matching, that's another story. she can change her clothes as many times as she wants as long as she puts them away (you will need to help a little - she's not even 3) and is ready on time.

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

I get my boys dressed about an hour before we leave to avoid this. Tantrums equal time outs. I set out 2 outfits they can choose from and that's it.

Get her in the car even if she's screaming and take her to school. It's okay if her clothes don't match or aren't correct for the season. Give her a jacket to wear if she gets cold and a tshirt i her bag to change into if she's wearing a hot sweater in the summer... she'll have to learn.

Some expert discipline advice here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

this link deals specifically with dressing issues:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063900.asp#T062700

and here is alternatives to yelling:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061800.asp

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J.L.

answers from Pittsburgh on

OMG! I am on the floor laughing! Your daughter is exactly like mine to the T! My daughter will be 3 in March and it is the same thing everyday!! She changes clothes CONSTANTLY and always wants to be in shorts and t-shirts even though it is freezing. Bedtimes are starting to be a battle because she is now getting out of bed like 20 times after I put her down and then comes into our room at 5:30 am and wants to get into bed with us. I know that it has everything to do with control. She wants to dress herself so I let her, even if it doesn't match (I am a SAHM so we don't really have anywhere to go that I would care if she matches or not, like preschool). I don't care if she matches when we're only going to Target or the grocery store. She wants to change her clothes 50 times a day, I let her. If I'm doing a L. more laundry, so be it. Things could be worse. I try to pick my battles and let her think she has some semblance of control over her life. If we do have to go somewhere where I want her to look presentable, I will pick out two or three outfits and let her choose which one she wants to wear. She has started getting out of bed at night and changing her pjs and I am considering taking her entire dresser out of her room and putting it in our 4th bedroom if it continues. I try to remember that she is realizing that she is her own person with her own likes and dislikes and I am trying to foster that. It is so frustrating though. I think it is all about giving them choices so they think they have some control. If I were you, I would let her go to school in mismatched outfits and hair undone. Explain to the teacher why she looks the way she does, however, I bet the teacher wouldn't even bat an eye considering all of the things that she has experienced with kids. I have let my daughter go outside in 45 degree weather with shorts and a tshirt (I had extra clothes in my bag) because I tried to explain to her that it was cold and she couldn't wear that but she didn't listen. So, I said fine, that's what you're wearing. By the time we got to the car she was complaining how cold she was and I eventually changed her clothes. She hasn't argued with me when I ask her to change her clothes since. I packed away any type of clothing that isn't appropriate for the weather now to eliminate any arguing. I keep telling myself that this will pass, which I know it will. However, I'm not looking forward to the next thing! Good luck.

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M.W.

answers from Los Angeles on

I'm a mother of 9 and in that 9 I've had 2 "strong willed" children. I remember thinking what is wrong? Everything that worked for every other kid as far as discipline isn't working with this one! What is wrong with him! His favorite saying was "I don't want to" and there was no making him either. I felt like a failure as a mom till a friend set me straight and this is what she said "look at the traits, motivated, determined, strong sense of self and knowing what he likes and doesn't like. He has a force about him that no matter what's thrown at him he will make it happen. All of these traits are aswesome qualities as an adult. But with children we want to control them so it sucks! He will be a strong man because he has a strong spirit". I thought about that and it helped me change my perspective on what I saw as a frustration in 2 year old behavior. Still didn't make discipling any easier just helped ease my mind. One more piece of advice, never forget whose the parent and whose the child. Say it outloud with them constantly "I am the parent" and stick to your guns about what's right and wrong for them no matter the tantrum. K?

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M.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

She's found your number! Put the alarm clock down on the floor by the clothes... Whatever she's wearing when the alarm goes off is the day's attire. Keep a hair brush in the car (no ponytails, braids, etc. after the alarm goes off). Keep an extra jacket or cool dress, top, pants in the car as well should she decide she cannot wear what she has on for the entire day. Let her have control as long as time allows. Try not to make an issue of her new experiment or she'll decide not to wear any clothes at all! When you start to straighten up the mess have her help you put clothes back so she (explain) can find them next time she wants them.... (be pleased she has not decided to go naked as one of mine did --- everywhere --- for several months)

Be happy (be prepared) it's not the "I won't eat trick" which happens to most 4-5 year olds... (pray for 'sooner than later' growth spurts). Children want to have some control over their own life processes and parents need to allow choices messy and annoying as they can be. Schedules are nice, happy children are nicer!

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M.C.

answers from Honolulu on

Don't sweat it too much... My kids go to a private school with uniforms, so in preschool I let them wear whatever they wanted, and I mean WHATEVER. My daughter LOVED to wear full on princess gear - including the ruby slippers or glass slippers or whichever she decided went best. My kids never matched and I did not care. Look around at the other kids in preschool... does anyone really care? If you need, put limitations like only one outfit per day so your laundry is not crazy. Or anything you want as long as it is long sleeved. This is a really cool time in life when she can make these decisions for herself. You might want to look at other areas and let her make those choices as well (would you like cereal or french toast for breakfast today?) so she feels more empowered.

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M.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would put away all the clothes that you don't want her to wear, period. It's ok for her to dress herself, but it is not ok for her to put on a million different things. Where are her boundries? Why should you have to do more laundry just so she can have more control? You have to get tough and not back down. Make rules and stick to it. Start this weekend, so you can deal with the changing issues without needing to get to school.
Let her help you put away EVERYTHING you don't want her to wear. That will solve ALOT of the the problems.
Good luck!

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A.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

Google Calmer, Happier Parenting - the website of Noel Hill Norton. She is a well-known parenting expert and deals directly with this issue. Also, subscribe to Macaroni Kid. It lists kid events in your area. But beyond that the newsletter also deals with various issues such as this. Find the newsletter and do a seach on the issue. In fact, you could probably google your question and gets lots of answers. This is a very common issue and there is lots of specific info out there about how to deal with.

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B.V.

answers from Los Angeles on

You could try just being mean about a few things and saying
,"not negotiable" and push hard for this and let the rest go by.

A.F.

answers from Chicago on

Blame it on other people - tell her you can't be late for school or her teacher will get mad. It is nice to be on time for other people. Also, we have a rule that she can wear whatever she wants in the house (usually a tank and shorts or skirt as she HATES to have her legs and arms covered and runs warm whereas I am FREEZING all the time) but for school, the school says legs must have pants or tights when it is cold (Yes, they do send a letter home saying October 29 is the last day kids can wear shorts -- so it really is the truth for us). For hair, I just tell her if she takes it out -- I will not be as gentle putting the next hair-do in....because I will be in a rush. That is usually enough to make sure she doesn't touch it. Of course, I ask her what she wants for her hair before I do it the first time and remind her she chose that.

My daughter is very similar to your description -- turned 3 in July. Good luck! Strong will is good but at this age it is just so darn frustrating!!! We also have a gate at the top of our stairs so if she starts changing her clothes for the umpteenth time -- we LOCK IT :)

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R.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hoo boy, you're just at the beginning! Wait until she's a teenager, and the style is modern American slut -- that's when the real battles begin!

When my DD was about this age, she loved playing with dress up dolls and felt boards. I took my cue from her preschool teacher, and made a set of felt felt pictures with scenes of different types of weather and clothes. It's very easy to make felt board pieces. All you have to do is use pictures from a magazine or printed out from the internet, use fabric glue to attach them to felt, and then cut them out. No artistic skills are necessary! You should be able to find a felt board at an educational toy store. If not, just get a piece of foam core at a craft store and glue a large piece of felt onto it. You can get felt cut from the bolt at fabric stores, so that you don't have to piece squares together (this is also the most economical way to buy felt for making pieces, too).

I would play with my daughter and the board to teach her about weather and use a fan or heater to help simulate hot, warm, and cold temperatures. We'd then dress up her dolls or the felt board figures with clothes that were appropriate to the weather on the board, and then I'd ask her if she could find those types of clothes in the closet. I'd let her dress up in the clothes and then turn on the fan or heater, and ask her if she felt hot, cold, or just right. She very quickly learned that some clothes were better than others depending on the type of day it was. This was also a great way to develop logic and pattern-matching skills.

Once that connection was made, I would tell my daughter what the weather was supposed to be the night before, and have her dress the doll for that weather. Then I'd ask her to pick out 3 outfits that she thought she would like to wear the next day. We would look at the outfits together and I'd ask her to match the clothes she'd picked out to the type of clothes the doll was wearing. If the type of clothing didn't match, she would put it back in the closet and try again. After she had the right type of clothes laid out, I told her that she could pick any combination she wanted to wear the next day, and the other clothes got "the day off." This made getting dressed in the morning super easy. She had gotten to make all of the decisions, and the clothes were laid out and ready to wear. My DD is 17 now and still picks out her clothes the night before (as do I). It really speeds things up in the morning, which is always a rush time! In a way, she still plays with the felt board, because she loves designing her own clothing and is constantly pinning cloth onto her dress form to create new designs.

BTW, I found the felt board to be a terrific home educational tool for all sorts of things all the way through elementary school. My daughter also loved to use it for imaginative play.

My son was a totally different animal at this stage. He would only wear superhero costumes for about a year or so, and he would wear the same costume for weeks on end! I made sure to always have clothes available that we could toss on over the costume if he was too cold. We did run into the problem with him wanting to play and not get dressed on time for preschool at one point when he was 4. After 3 days of being late, I used a teaching clock to place the hands of the clock on the time we would be leaving, and told him that when the clock on his bedroom wall looked like the clock on his dresser, that was what time we were going, even if he was still in his PJ's, in his underwear, or naked! He tested this theory just once, and I ended up tucking him kicking and screaming in his underwear into his car seat (but at least he was the ONLY one who was screaming!). By the time we got to school, he was crying. I had brought a set of clothes with me and gave him the option of finishing dressing in the car, which he did. The next day, he was dressed within minutes of getting out of bed!

S.H.

answers from San Diego on

I just have to say that I am going through a very similar situation with my son who is also 2 1/2 and am at my wits end. We do things a bit differently, I've always pulled out 2 pair of pants and offered him a choice and then 2 different shirts and offered him a choice and that's always worked - until now. Suddenly, he just doesn't want to wear any pants, he wants to wear shorts - too cold. He can pick from any pants in the drawer, but noooooo. We have a lovely little power struggle going on right now. The other morning he was in time out all morning because he wouldn't pick out the pants. I tell him that if he doesn't pick them out I will, but there is no way I can force them on him - he's a strong little sucker and knows how to take them off. Other than my consistent time out and not letting him look at or play with anything until he got dressed, I have no idea why he changed his mind. This morning was only slightly less difficult (less tantrum & crying). I won't even bother trying to get him to change his pajama top right now because the pants take a good 20 minutes of my time.

Sorry, this isn't probably helping much, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Oh, and don't worry about not matching, there isn't a parent or teacher out there who wouldn't understand that your little one dressed herself.

Good luck - Calgon take us away;)

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T.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Sounds like you have a future leader on your hands!

I highly recommend the book, "You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. She is a genius with strong willed children. I went through something similar with my daughter when she was around 4 and this book changed our relationship overnight. Cynthia gives concrete examples of what to do (and why it works) when you find yourself in that dreaded "battle of wills."

I have come to treasure those qualities about my daughter that used to make me batty, and I learned how to direct her intense intelligence and desire so that we all got what we wanted/needed out of any situation. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

Best of luck to you and your precious girl!!

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S.Z.

answers from Reno on

Hang in there, Mom! Every kid goes through a stage similar to this.

Your daughter should be dressing herself, but she should also learn boundaries. Give her a time - say, after school - when she can change her clothes to her heart's delight, but make it clear that in the morning, when you tell her, "This is it," she cannot change her outfit. If she takes her hair out after you tell her "That's it," you will not put it back. She should also be helping clean up. She's old enough to be told, "If you get it out, you put it back." She won't do a good job of things like folding, but she'll start to learn responsibility.

Put all the clothes that are inappropriate for the season in boxes somewhere that she can't get to them, so she can only choose from things that fit the weather.

The hardest part for you will be to occasionally let her wear stuff that doesn't "go together." For me, as long as it was clean, fit and was weather appropriate, fine. Most moms just cannot handle watching kids put orange with purple or cowboy boots with a fancy dress. Put your foot down only when absolutely necessary, and let her wear stuff that doesn't match when you can.

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L.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

I'm not sure if this will help, but I always give my 2yo girl (she'll be 3 in Feb) a choice for everything. For clothes, she can choose between 2 outfits and 2 styles (the items on the outfits are interchangeable). That way, she feels like she's picking out what to wear and I have some semblance of control. I also get myself dressed before I get her ready for daycare, so there's really not enough time for her to change her mind about which outfit she wants to wear. Then again, she does play dress up every now and then in the evening, but since she only wears those clothes for about an hour split between all of them, I just put them back without washing them so the laundry isn't an issue and maybe she gets the dress up urge out of the way at night. Also, as long as she's dressed appropriately for the weather, I wouldn't worry about it.

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