How to Deal with Transition from 'Employed' to 'Stay at Home Mom'?

Hi, M..
I was in your exact situation about 5 1/2 yrs ago. I had a career that I had been with for almost 18yrs but it was taking me away from my family. We were lucky that my husband had got a new job, that paid more, 6 months before. I quit my job when my daughter was just about the same age as your daughter.....and it's the best decision I've ever made! Yes, it did take some getting used to and at first I felt alone and left out but it didn't take too long to turn it around. My husband thought it was funny but I kind of structured my week out. Example: Monday is park day, Tuesday was library day, Wednesday was laundry day, Thursday was grocery shopping day, etc. I then fit in all the other stuff in between. But it being more structured was more like a job and it did help me. It did get alittle harder when my daughter entered kindergarten the following fall but not too bad. I was then able to fit in some "me" time. I also waited until my daughter was in 1st grade then then started being a "lunch duty mom" at her school for an hour a day. I wasn't paid big bucks but I got to see my daughter, meet her friends and other kids, and build a good rapor with the school. I volunteer at events, like book fairs, and got to meet other parents and make new friends. I now work part-time (4 hrs a day) with the school district as an instructional aid in a different school, but the hours are while she's in school and it brings in just enough money to be called our "fun money". I also get all the holidays and summer vacation that she gets. Quitting my job was one of the hardest but the most rewarding things I've ever done and I'm so glad that I did.

One other thing that really helped me, when my daughter entered Kindergarten we signed her up for Girl Scouts. Theyare called "Daisys" at this age. I then became her co-leader and later her leader. This allowed her and me to meet new people (only some when to her school) and I've found that I'm pretty busy but in my own fun way. Just an idea. Let me know if you want more info on it. ____@____.com

Good luck! You and your daughter will look back later and be glad that you made this decision.
M.

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Don't forget to carve out time for yourself and stay connected to your friends in the "outside world". You are their mom, not servant/cook/chauffeur etc. Enjoy the time with your kids and try not to feel either guilty or defensive when asked, "What did you do all day?" Give yourself permission to take a nap, watch some TV, read a magazine, leave dishes in the sink etc.

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I think a big part of it is, like you said, feeling guilty about not working. I'd always seen myself as working and supporting myself so I felt like what I did had less value than my husband and friends because I wasn't out at work (I stopped working full time quite some time ago for various reasons, and am now a student and full time mom - hoping to go back to work once I have my PhD and our son is older).

I like to keep some structure to my day and make sure I set myself goals and objectives. I still have issues that my friends 'must' think I spend all day on the couch eating chocolate bonbons. Less since we had a baby, though...!

I'm not sure that helps much, except to say i can relate. Feel free to message me offline if you want to chat.

E.

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Hi M.,

I agree with others that this feeling is very normal. It's hard to go from a very structured day where you are recognized for your hard work to being stuck in the house with a child that doesn't understand your efforts or sacrifices. I just recently took a leave from work after having my 2nd son and it is a really hard transition.

I agree with the others, too...get out...go to the park, hang with other mommies, try to go somewhere or do something every day because it breaks up the day and gets both you and your daughter out of the house. It's hard not being able to talk with adults about your day, too...so even if you are not in the same exact situation as the other sahm's you know, hang out with them and have fun playing with and talking about your kids. I have been trying to do these things and they seem to be helping.

Someone else suggested maybe a part time job...a great idea. Give it some time, maybe this would be a good solution for you.

Good Luck!

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It was a very difficult transition for me too. I had never planned on being a SAHM. But when I was pregnant with our first child, the company I worked for was bought out and the new owners closed my entire division. So, I decided to not look for another job just then. That was 11 years ago! (And we have three now).

I think it took me two years to mentally adjust and not feel out of sorts or like I was missing something. I think what would help you the most is to get to know other families that are in a similar situation. Once your child is in kindergarten that will be easy, assuming your daughter will be going to a public school. The elementary schools like to get as much help from parent volunteers as they can get. There are tons of committees and events you could get involved with, and of course the PTA... Volunteering at the school can be like a part-time job.

While she is still in preschool it might be harder. Most preschools don't expect/want much parent involvement. And usually the parents both work, so you might not get to meet many others SAHMs. However, a parent coop preschool (like Mtn View Parent Nursery School or Los Altos Parent Preschool) would be a great way to get know other SAH moms. It is a big time committment, but you really get to know the teachers and other parents well since you work closely together.

You've lost your work identity and community. If you find a new community, it will help you to find your new identity.

Good luck!

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I know what you are going throught. it was hard for me at first too. It was the being in teh house all teh time that got to me. Once i started getting out on a regular basis it got better. i joined play groups and mommy groups and found other things to be pround in. Your kids are older so i would try to get really involed in there school. Join the pta and help out in the class room. put for foucus on the kids and there stuff. Give your self some time. it well be ok. If time goes by and you still feel the same way consider going to back to work part time when the kids are in school.
A.

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That is a tough one. Especially if you have kids later in life like I did. (I had my first at 37.) At 37, I had lots of time to build up my "corporate identity", get used to doing what I wanted to, when I wanted to, and had "adult interaction" most of the day.

I have a daughter who enters K in the Fall and a special-needs 13 mo old. I've been a SAH Mom for all 5 years, and am busier now then when I worked at a high-tech start up. Even now I sometimes get "nostalgic" about those interminable meetings and being a part of the office culture.

The desire to belong to the corporate (adult) world doesn't ever truly go away, so you have to stay busy with other things. Mom's groups, play dates, projects, etc. If anyone ever tells you that you are "living vicariously through your kids" reply with "Of course I do. You identify with your job, and I identify with mine."

Be sure to get time away from the kids for yourself too. Trust me, you will come back feeling refreshed. My husband recently looked at me and said "I think your Mom's group is just an excuse to get together without the kids." I laughed and said "Well, duh! I need adult interaction without kids too." Sometimes Daddies need to be reminded of this.

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I think what you are feeling is very normal. I felt the same way when I quit 9 years ago. You're going from (I'm guessing) a very goal oriented job where you get recognition for the progress you make and get a salary for it. You have people you can talk to about your work and just socialize with. Now, the goals are making dinner, keeping up with the laundry and keeping the house in shape. That was not at all what I signed up for when I got married. And right now you have no one who is in your same situation. It is thankless work that has no sense of accomplishment. You hope you're doing the right thing, but the outcome is years away with many factors affecting it.

The transition is very hard and took me more than 6 months months to get to the point where I wasn't feeling like I was going crazy.

My advice is try to get into as many social situations as possible in your new role. You will find mom's doing the same thing and going through the same things. In fact, ask women on momasource if anyone wants to get together. Also, when your daughter starts school you can get involved with the school. That seems to be the saving grace for all of us "professionals without a job".

Good luck,

S.

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Good for you! I have 2 children ages 9&6.5, and as soon as I got pregnant with the first one, my husband & I decided I should stay at home because,"I don't want other people raising our children" he said...very good point..and although I miss the peer/professional relationships..the trade off is SO much more meaningful...So I have been 'at home' for almost 10 years, and my house STILL is not clean...It would probably stay cleaner if no one was in it all day, but what fun would that be? :) And keep remembering how lucky you are to have this choice! I am humbled regularly...Some days will be more productive than others..and not every day is going to be a super organized-clean-your-closets-day, because you have things that are forever needing your current attention...Laundry, errands, and someone ALWAYS needs something to eat, and yes, sometimes I feel like a glorified housekeeper/babysitter...but you'll settle in...and start enjoying your kid...they are only little for awhile...and you will be thankful you gave them your time-it is the most precious resource we have.

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