How to Deal with Someone Inviting Themselves to Our Place

SOmehow close family does not think of themselves as being rude. This get-away place - did you pay for it entirely by yourself or did your inlaws help pay for it anywhere along the way? I find that when strings are attached at some point they stay attached.

When I was pregnant with my first child, and my husband and I had just bought a house and were frequently working on it on Saturdays & Sundays my inlaws began just showing up. They'd "bring a meal" as a way to give the impression that they were being helpful - but the meal was always take-out of some type that we could have easily order on our own. I think the meal-bringing was more to make themselves feel better than to feed us becuase it was almost always not the kind of food we'd eat. I recall one evening after work on a July Friday, laying down with my swollen 8.5 months pregnant legs up - wearing just a light housedress on - no bra, even no panties - and there they would be - at the front door! I made them wait until I could get some clothes on (my husband wasn't yet home from work) and I told them I had no idea to expect them, that I hadn't been decently dressed and I wish they would have called to ask if this night was OK or not. All with sweetness & light in my voice while giving them hello hugs and kisses. Then I added that I hoped that once the baby arrived they'd realize to set up times in advance. And that was that. We never had that issue again. it was taken care of right away, in person and with kindness and winsome-ness.

I suggest you give them a call - and in a sweet tone tell them that your DH just let you know they would be there - and how surprised you are! Tell them normally it would be so wonderful to see them but that you are exhausted, not feeling well, focused on _____ (whatever) and that you're sorry but you don't even know what to say. allow for a pregnant pause and see if they take the hint. If they don't there's nothing you can do about it - your DH has already OK'ed their visit.

By telling him that his parent were rude you put him on the defensive - that never works out well becuase he'll try to defend them. Basically by OK-ing their visit before talking to you he invalidated your feelings - made you feel like he doesn't think your feelings, needs for rest or opinions are important. You felt hurt and responded that his parents are rude (even if you didn't say directly that they are rude it was implied). He felt that you don't place any value on his family and so the dance began... Of course there would be an argument - you started from separate places.

If you're stuck with them this week - so be it - what can you do other than be gracious and let them know you have lots of other stuff to do. If this week is beginning-of-season cleaning enlist thier help - assign tasks (clean the screen, dust, pull weeds, etc.) If they offer to help accept their help and assing them things to do. Don't let it be their "son&DIL resort" getaway.

Good luck - dealing with relatives is tricky!

Hi Mary:
As a fellow Wisconsonite, I know where you are coming from. People here seem to think that your vacation home is a FAMILY GET AWAY SPOT. His parents are asking to be included because they might 'miss something'. Take a deep breath and get through this weekend. Then sit down with his mom as tell her how you feel. Let her know you are happy to include them for a few weekends every summer but with the stress from work and city life you need a break with peace and quiet.

Ugh...so sorry! That really puts a wrench in your get away to solitude.

You can say no. Good people are always taken advantage of for fear of hurting other's feelings. Look at what they are doing to your feelings...and causing an argument with your hubby.

I don't know back history of all the conversations you have had with family about coming out to your place. Maybe there have been conversations about them coming out..now they know you are going so they are saying they can now come.

At this point I would probably have my husband go back to my in laws and say after talking it over again...we would like the first few days to have alone time and then we would love for you guys to come the last couple days. Tell them let's do some meal planning so we all pitch in and help out...it will be fun! Explain that when the trip was first planned we didn't have guests in mind...we would love to have you but please respect our wishes to accomodate everyone.

Then have a conversation with hubby about the "get away place houseguest rules". Then...you won't get in this bind again. I personally have learned that it is better to hurt other's feelings when they are not considering MY feelings then to be steam rolled and taken advantage of and have a stressful dark cloud looming over my family...all in the name of keeping the peace. It is your house...your rules...your husband..your kids...Your own family comes first-Not keeping peace with the extended family. Just my two cents. I hope you end up having your time in heaven at your get away place. And...don't feel like you have to entertain...they are imposing on your planned week. Let them know what your original plans were and that they will need to work around it. You might be coming and going at some point and let them know up front and let them know of some things they could do while you are gone doing YOUR things.

Good luck and best wishes!

I agree with NY Metro Mom -- get through this weekend with a huge grin as you hand them chores to do. "Thanks so much for coming, we're fixing things up AS YOU KNOW, and could you please....(fill in chore)." Yeah, it's putting on that phony happy face you mentioned, but it'll get some things done and send a message.

Then, after this weekend, tell your husband sweetly you'd like to sit down with a calendar and PLAN your weekends at the vacation house. Fit in specific weekends that you will invite the in-laws. YOU invite THEM and let them know well in advance. That way they feel wanted -- after all, they do want to see their family, and I"m assuming here you don't want to cut them out of your life entirely and everywhere -- but you set the times and dates. If they say again they are coming when they like, you can say, we're going with these dates this year; that weekend you want to come doesn't work for us but you're welcome to come on X, the weekend we talked about already... Be polite and smile and be firm. You don't need to alienate them over this but you do need to set boundaries. Your husband MUST be on board, by the way. A calendar could help.

One note about how you hate to "entertain" and have people to this house. As your kids get older you will find them wanting to invite friends there, even for a day if not overnight etc. You may want to invite your own adult friends. It's not "entertaining" every second of every day to have people to your home, but of course you don't want a stream of uninvited guests. Just be aware that times may come when you find your peace and quiet interrupted by your kids' guests if you keep this house, and it'll be harder to tell the kids, no, you can't ever bring friends here.

As I read the subject part of your posting "How to deal...." My immediate response was you "don't deal, you say to them"
I know exactly what you mean about your in-laws making arrangements through you husband. I told my in-laws that when they have a conversation with my husband, I may only hear about 5% of it. So I would appreciate if they told me directly if they 'are making plans' to visit us. Also when they have intended on visiting a weekend that is the only weekend available for some reason, then I tell them how I will be busy with various things; like attending a kids birthday party or other side of the family party, work, etc...and if they still wanted to come I would not be around to entertain and they will have to fend for themselves. They still come most of the time and I have seen their disappointment when I'm not catering to them, but I have peace of mind because I warned them before hand.
I have to admit that this only became an issue after we had kids. The in laws wanted to come around 6+ times a year to build a better bond. On the other end, we have been told by my husband's Step M., when we plan on visiting them, that they have other social commitments and would prefer we stay somewhere else and they will carve out a few hours when we can have lunch/dinner, etc.
It is a touchy thing for my husband, but I prefer to have a few uncomfortable minutes (while I tell them) than have it turn into a habit and me live with the hostility in silence. I just don't do well with holding in my feelings. Sorry for the long reply, be strong, take control especially if you are adding a room.

It could be worse than inviting themselves... they could just SHOW UP un-announced ;)

NEVER let them know when you are going.
People do the same thing with swimming pool owners, boat owners, etc.
Very sticky since these are your families. DO you invite them from time to time? At least that way you can sort of "plan" for it for when it's good for you.

No what you mean:) Been there:)

In the future you just have to say, "sorry, it's not a good week for us." And just be totally honest and say that you just want quiet. Tell them you want to plan ahead for a different week that will work better. Really, they should totally understand. Whenever my husband and I get asked to make plans by family, we never give a definite answer right away, we wait to discuss it with each other before making the commitment, that way if we have to back down after...no one's feelings are hurt.

I think that the only way their feelings should really be hurt would be if you never invited them to your place. Yes, I would be annoyed if they were always inviting themselves because I love my quiet time too!

I wish I had a vacation spot. I think you're very lucky to have the luxury of a "get away place" even if you feel put upon to share it.

I would just be honest and tell them you are there to rest and get some important work done.

So be sure to openly discuss and list your quiet hours, i.e. no boats pulling out of the driveway at 500am..if company were to pull that on me, I'd tell them to park it down the road aways so it doesn't wake me up...

And, bigger still, since it's family inviting themselves, and you are going to be busy while there I'd make a comprehensive list of what you are wanting to accomplish, post that, divvy up the chores and allow them to pitch in.

Except for having most meals together, I would not feel obliged to keep family entertained every moment. You are there for you own piece of mind too. So speak up and let them know when you are taking a break.

Inviting yourself over to anyone's house without asking is rude. It doesn't matter if they're family. I have keys to my parents' and my daughter's house, and I don't go over without calling first and asking if it's a good time. If ti's not a good time, they know to tel me so, and I'll come some other time. I would rather they be honest than tell me to come on over and then resent me for being there.

If either of them had a getaway place, I would not dream of inviting myself over. I would not even ask if I could use it. I would only go there if they invited me.

Don't go! Sounds to me if they're all there, and no one is at home...then home is the quiet place to be! Your hubby can host HIS parents if they insist on going. :)

Either that, or be direct and say "I"m sorry, but we won't be able to have you come that weekend, we already have plans." End of story.

But you either have to tackle it directly with your hubby too, or if he's not on board, YOU skip it all together.

Mary, if it isnt too late why dont you call some other little resort or hotel near your place and make a reservation for 1. Then go with hubby to the cabin and after he unloads the car, you take your stuff and tell him, and his parents that its too crowded and you will be back after dinner to visit. And take the car and leave. Go to your own vacation spot and enjoy a nice dinner out. Then stop by to see how the work is progressing and visit for a while and then let them know you are looking forward to a nice nights sleep and you will stop by late morning to visit. And leave. Dont offer to help clean or cook or anything. Maybe they will take the hint and be gone by morning. Oh sure, you can expect a huge fight with hubby, but maybe it is what he needs to wake him up and get it thru his thick head that you dont want company to entertain when you go to the get away place unless they are invited! You have the power to tell his parents this if he wont. You can do this now, or spend a lot of weekends alone while hubby has his parents with him at the cabin. Hard to do huh...

Hey, who is more important to you and your family? Yourselves or your extended familly. If you don't take care of your family no one else will. Saying no is the responsible thing to say. You are not responsible for their feelings. If they choose to feel hurt it is their choice and their problem.

Sounds like you and your husband need to work on understanding and building boundaries. HIs relationship with his family has no boundaries and is thus dysfunctional.

I suggest that you not go if they're to be there because going does not meet your needs. Doing this will be very difficult but its needed to begin to establish boundaries to separate your family and your families needs from those of your inlaws. You are two separate groups of people and each group is responsible only for themselves.

Hints do not work. Start right up front with, Your visiting us at this time will not work. No need for excuses. A big need for a big NO.

Sounds like his family of origin is more important that his family of you and the kids. That's not right. Counseling, Counseling, Counseling And don't let your self think that you're wrong.

I urge you and your husband to get counseling. You don't want to live like this the rest of your life.