How to Deal with Sexual Advances

Dear M. D, I can tell, even tho you're shaken, that you're a strong lady. You received great advice and we all support you in this difficult and emotional situation. And that's where men and women are different: men aren't as emotional, so deal with him on a business level. He hired you and gave you his word about working conditions and his integrity; he lied, therefore hiring you under false pretenses. (His behavior is actually a warning sign, so be warned.) Best of luck to you.

Hello M. D, You didn't say whether or not you mentioned any of this to your husband. If you did not, that is a good place to start. My dad told me once, if a married woman receives advances from a man that knows she is married, and after the first time, (no matter how subtle it is), if her husband does not get involved, he will feel as though she did not mention it to her husband because she is interested. Even though we know you are not the least bit interested in this man, that is all the more reason to tell your husband what is going on. If it is like my dad says, it won't stop until you take the measures to stop it.

It sounds like you already know what to do....DON'T GO BACK! I would also tell your husband. You both need to be prepared if there are rude or other unwanted actions from this man.

I wouldn't go back to this man's house. It sounds like it could be dangerous since he is obviously unpredictable. And, I happen to agree with Momma B....I wouldn't even call him. When you don't show up, he'll no doubt figure out why! I would also tell your husband what happened because you wouldn't want that coming out later making it look like you were hiding something from him.

I would call him and tell him that what he did made you very uncomfortable and you cannot work for him anymore. Don't let him talk you into anything, or blow it off. Even an apology is not good enough. This is not a good or safe situation. If you feel uncomfortable with this maybe you could have your husband confront him.
I beg you to not return to this man's house, with anyone or any pepper spray or tazer- nothing. Nothing is worth not listening to the voice that drove you to post here. We are given that voise for a reason. Listen to it- it should be louder than all of the voices on here.
I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with this. It shouldn't be like this. Do not forget about it, there is no reasonable explaination for this and if it happened once, it will happen again. Cut the ties and make it clear why. You will feel empowered agian and you should. Good luck.

Don't be embarrassed! I am so sorry that this happened to you- I had a similar situation happen at work with a Dr that I worked in his office. Same thing- started out little comments and then ended with him touching me inappropriately. I freaked and ran out- and didn't go back to work for him. I was young- but he thought I was young and stupid! Anyways- Do what you feel is best which is probably don't go back ( I don't think you could work for someone like that- you wouldn't feel safe) - and please be sure to tell your husband right away....you do not want this turned around on you- and trust you me- creeps like that would do something to punish you- like call your husband and apologize for the "misunderstanding" and make it out to be your fault. I have been there girl- and it is so hurtful...and NO amount of money is worth that...document everything just in case...you may need it later....

God Bless!

I am so sorry this has happened. It really is an uncomfortable situation to deal with, but you have some choices.

All of us have an internal mechanism that will tell us when we are in danger or when we should be extra careful. This is a primal instinct. It is what keeps us safe. We must learn to trust this feeling.

So if you feel frightened, I would call the gentleman and let him know you will no longer be able to work for him. Tell him the reason and DO NOT let him convince you differently. If you are afraid you will back down on this, you can have your husband sit next to you while making this call or have your husband call the gentleman.

If you feel like you still could work for him but want him to stop this behavior, go with your husband and have a conversation saying that you will only continue to work for him if he is not home. That if he returns to the house. You will stop at that exact moment and leave for the day. He will still be responsible to pay you for your full time and full job.

If you feel like you would work with him in the house, tell him you will only do this if you have your assistant and he will need to increase his payment to you for $20. per hour so that you can pay your assistant. If he agrees and if you can find someone to work with you for this amount or more, charge him that price. Once again, tell him if any shenanigans happen again, you will both leave and he will be responsible to pay you AND you will not return.

What ever you decide keep in mind, you do not deserve to EVER feel uncomfortable. This is your business and believe me there are tons of people who are looking for a trustworthy housekeeper.

Put everything in writing. Make him sign it or have him respond by email so that you have documentation. Hang in there. Working for yourself is very rewarding, but when these things happen, just follow your internal instincts.

****My husband just read this response. He works for the police dept and he says you should purchase pepper spray and carry it with you to this clients house. If you get into a situation you can use this as protection.****

That's sexual harassment, it's against the law and you absolutely should NOT go back there. You're trying to make excuses for this terrible man who's completely in the wrong. Do not feel guilty about what happened. Tell him you won't be returning to clean his house. You don't even have to explain yourself. And then tell your husband that you quit that particular job because of what happened. This is a black and white issue and you did nothing wrong, so move on and try not to be torn up about it. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Hi M. D,
DO NOT allow some loser to belittle you, EVER! I’m speaking from experience. Momma B is right on; no amount of money is worth putting yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. You’re given those feelings for a reason. I would first call the police or a lawyer to get a report on file that your employer groped you, then call him and tell him that you will not be returning and why. The reason I would file a complaint against him first is b/c you want to be covered in case he decides to claim that you stole for him to get even for his embarrassment. Don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up because you didn’t knock him out when it happened, these things can be such a shock that we always think of a better way to respond after the fact. I once had a friend’s date ask me if my breast were real at a work Christmas party (my dress was VERY modesty – no cleavage whatsoever). I wish I would have beaten the mess out of him right then and there, but I was so shocked that I just told him that his question was incredibly inappropriate and the answer was none of his business and walked off. Why men think this type of behavior is acceptable is beyond me, but we have to deal with it. I say decide with your husband what the best course of action is for you and your family and stick to it. Best of luck to you and your family.

First of all...Congratulations on having the courage to post your question so publicly. You are very brave and you do not need to be embarassed about what this man did-HE needs to be embarassed! I strongly encourage you NOT to return to this person's house! If you return you will be telling this man that his behavior is acceptable. You are cleaning his house. You are not being hired to put up with suggestive inappropriate advances. We need to unite as women...we have worked too hard and long to put up with this kind of stuff! Find some new clients that do not come on to you. Shame on this loser! Good luck and stay strong. We're behind you, sister!
D.

Hello,

I second the idea of calling him and telling him why you're not going back. I'd try and figure out how to record the conversation so that you'd have it in case he would come up with allegations of you taking something from his house, etc. I would start the conversation by asking if he is happy with your work and then ask him why did he grabbed your derrier and made sexual advances specially when he knows you're married. then tell him that you can't work in those conditions and that the date you were last there was your last time you would be there.

if you do go back, DON'T GO BACK ALONE... get 'a partner' to go with you.

in other words, before you formally quit... make sure you protect yourself from any allegations of wrong doing.

Good luck! ~C.~

If it were me, I'd never go back, ever. For no amount of money, not with pepper spray, not with an attack dog, nothing. There are other folks out there that will use your services and not grope your behind. There isn't enough money in the world worth putting yourself in a compromising, very possibly dangerous situation. I say move on! And I wouldn't even give the jerk the courtesy of a phone call. He doesn't deserve it!!

Good luck to you, and be safe!

Hi, I think you should discuss this with your husband and if possible ask him to pick you up once a week or as frequently as possible from this work place. and make it conspicuous that you have a husband. If that doesn't discourage him... then leave the job. take care - R.