How to Deal with Separation and Husband Who Still Want to Do Thing All Together

Hi A.,
I was in a similar situation and definitely could not handle doing the "friendly family thing". If you are uncomfortable, your kids will sense it and it will make their time with their Dad more stressful. (He probably wants you around because he has never had to be the parent in charge and he isn't sure what to do). Do what is best for you since ultimately that is what will be best for your children. If they wonder why you aren't with them, just explain that they are having some alone time with their Dad. Your children will adjust and no harm will be done. Good luck!

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If you do not feel comfortable about it right now, say so. Maybe later you will be able to emotionally be able to handle being 'just friends' and 'hanging out' together as a family, but allow yourself time to heal. He may still have issues in believing you are not a true family anymore and it could be a way of trying to put thing back where he feels comfortable/in order. Think of your children as well, how are they adjusting to your family's split? Get their input and feedback on how they feel and their emotional stability about all of this. You have to find your balance, not only for yourself but for your children as well. Your seperated husband cannot have it both ways, to keep things stabilized for your children. Someone has to be the responsible party for the stability of your children. What every you decide to do, give it all that you got and keep your children's best interests first.

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I just went through all of this last year with my son's father. We were together for nine years. He wanted the same thing to just hang out as a family and it will be good for the kids to see mom and dad getting along. To be honest it seems like just a ploy to get you back. I can guarantee as soon as you find a boyfriend (that is if you haven't already) things will be different. He wants you back and it is okay for him to do what he wants like have a girlfriend but as soon as you start to do the same things it won't be okay. My advice is not to do it! Yeah maybe meet him for ice cream or the park when exchanging the children but no day outings together, it is to hard on you and will be to hard on the kids of they get used to it!

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I would just explain to him that you need time to get over things, and you cannot hang out with him right now. I am really good friends with my kids' father, but it took about 2 years to get there. We now do a lot of things together with the kids, just as friends, and it's great. We have a good time, the kids enjoy it, etc. I would just let him know that you may like to be able to do that one day, but now is not the time. Good luck!

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There are two stages to divorce -- the legal divorce and the emotional divorce. it sounds to me as if there's some trouble with the latter. . . .

and, honestly, I don't think you are going to be able to get past this without some kind of argument. Maybe over the phone? (to make it easier on you). When he suggests you get together, tell him that this is very difficult for you, and that it's not fair to the children either, because it helps to keep the dream alive that Mommy and Daddy might get back together. It's really healthier to make the break and make it stick.

That said, it's hard. But it's better to have the dream die for mom and dad, as well as for the kids.

My ex had a girlfriend within 2 weeks of when we separated, yet he kept wanting to get back together for about 3 or 4 years -- until I found someone serious to date and then marry. And every so often he would be "so wonderful" that I kept wavering and thinking that maybe we could actually get back together and make it work. It was hard, because although I divorced him, I liked the guy. He was fun. He just wasn't very responsible, didn't make the family his major focus, etc.

Lesson learned: break it off, but keep the contacts as positive as you can, and try not to complain about him or highlight his bad points in front of the kids. Give them every opportunity to love their father without feeling disloyal doing so. Let them have positive encounters with dad, and keep your own relationship friendly enough (if you can) so you will be able to discuss problems the kids have as they grow up.

It's never an easy road, and it's hard to put down all the dreams as divorce becomes final. and you're going to need to draw a boundary line for both of you since he's working hard on not having one, even if he does have a girlfriend.

good luck. Not easy. But draw the line and face the struggle. The longer you put it off, the more embedded the non-family family days will become and it'll be harder on all of you, esp the kids, when the habit dies.

Hi A.,
I would think that IF you can get to the place where you feel comfortable hanging out together, then do it. Maybe now just isn't the time. This has to be hard for all of you. I would explain to your kids that you wish them to have fun while they're with their dad, but that you will not be joining them. You WILL be tied to this man for a long time because of the kids, so it's probably in everyone's best interest to keep it on friendly terms. If I were you, I would make it my mission to make this new "girlfriend" your BEST friend--even if you can't stand her because she will likely be involved in the lives of your kids. Good luck to you all!

Make sure you explain things to him without the children being there. Just tell him you understand his feelings but you cannot do the family thing any longer because it is too much of a strain and you need time and hopefully be able to be friends for the kids. It has been 4 years and I am just now able to be in the same room with my ex and his girlfriend. It was very hard on me. The first few months I tried doing things as a family and I could not handle it and explained this to him. He was very understanding and let me make the first move when it was time for us to try to do things together with the kids.

I am going through almost the very same sitation. In August I also told my husband of 6 years I wanted to seperate. We have been going through a divorce now for 8 months and we lived together for the entire time. I just moved out this past weekend and he is having a very hard time dealing with things. Just give it time and I think things will work out. I am the one who has someone else now and my husband went from wanting to do the "family" stuff to telling me he hates me. Hang in there, you should try talking to him but I totally understand your frustration. My kids keep asking when we will do stuff with Daddy and I think that came from him saying things in front of them. I tried the non-confrontational way and it only made him hate me anyway. No matter what you deceide their will most likely be hurt feelings. Good luck!

I would make excuses or make plans on the same time that he has the kids for visitation. You have to say no if you don't want it. No matter what happens. Find a male friend even not to date and invite him to go along and have his girlfriend come along as well

A.,I completely understand. Although I never married my childs father (thank God) he does the same thing. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for 2 years and have finally broke free of it.He also has a girlfriend since my daughter was 6 months old. I found out a year later.Now he wants to come around and wants me to cook family dinners on Sunday and make it a routine. I just plan things accordingly,if we have plans to do other things WE DO THEM and not make us so available to him all the time. I realize how difficult its going to be for my child but the sooner boundaries are set the better for all parties involved. I plan to get a custody order put in place as soon as my daughter turns 3 and I go back to work and not have to rely on him for things.You can write it down and see what plan will work for you (times to visit the kids and holidays and scheduled phone calls) and then have a serious chat with him and see what he is willing to accept. I feel for you and hope that this may help you in some way.....coming for someone who knows!

My x husband lives two doors down from me and the kids and doesn't talk to me. I have no control over when he talks to the kids or sees them. They listen for sound of his motorcycle and drop whatever they're doing and run over there like puppies. He badmouths me to them and undermines my authority, calls me a "control freak", and tells them that this is what I wanted (because I divorced him) His girlfriend remained "a secret" (one of many secrets) for almost two years because he wanted to keep them believing his "poor pitiful dad" routine.
We separated in 2002. The kids are growing up. It doesn't hurt me as much any more. I don't have the answers just maybe some insight.
Whatever he does and says is a manipulation. He knows the power he has over me through the kids and will use it for his own ego trip even if it hurts the kids too. The less I am affected by it, the less the game is played. Time heals and allows you to cut the emotional cords that bind you to him.
It is the hardest journey I have ever taken.
Best of luck to you,
N

Hi A.,
I too was an Army wife and after 9 years I left him. Although he said he wanted to remain friends, he still lives in California and I live in PA. We have 3 girls together and for their sake try to keep your friendship with him. You can still do things as a family to keep the relationship with the kids and him. Be lucky that he wants to be a part of their lives.
Even though my daughters father has discontinued the communication over the last 3 years with them, it is him who is missing out on their lives. I have always been kind to my ex and never talk bad about him especially when the kids are around because if you do they will be mad at you. Good Luck!

My husband too is a Marine, as is my son and my brother is a retired Marine. Military life is hard! I would have a sit down and explain to him that although you appreciate him wanting to keep things civil and in a positive place for everyone, it's hard for you to do that right now. It's hard to be angry and want to leave your husband and immediately shift gears and be buddies. Let him know that it will take you time to work through your feelings of why you left him. You want to be civil, for yourself and your children, but for now ask him to have him focus all of his efforts on the children. They need it the most right now. With time, as you work through your feelings, you'll be more open to do more things together as a group. It may take months or years. But for now, you left him for a reason and you need the time apart from him (hence the "separation") so you can sort through your feelings and become your own person again. Keep it short and kind and thank him for trying to keep things pleasant. You do appreciate it!

Good luck!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
Marine Corps wife, mother and sister
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat

Ouch!!!
that is a hard one! Because if you get to hard core he will try to put little miss girlfriend right in there as the mother replacement for you. Make sure when you are together it is quality time with the children and ABSOLUTILY NOTHING ELSE!!! maybe try to ignore him when he is around you with the children. Acting busy with other things in your life.
Good Luck
K. B

I am also in a similar situation, i have been with my husband for 10 years and have been seperated (but still living together) for a year. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and he has been apart of her life since she was 4 (now 14) and we have 2 children together, 7 and 5 months. Long story!! Anyway we do their b-day parties together but not my nieces or other family members parties and i think it will continue to be that way even when we are living apart. Hopefully that will be soon!! We did do xmas and thanksgiving to ONLY because we are still living together, but that will not happen when we are living seperate lives. As for any other "FAMILY" outings, he had that chance and i would do nothing else as a "FAMILY", you's are no longer a "FAMILY" and need to move forward with your lives. His time with the kids is his time and yours is yours. I would just explain to him and if he starts to argue with you about it then tell him when he is ready to talk "CIVIL" to you about it to let you know and then just walk away. We are civil to one another which is great for our sake and for the kids. You don't want to be on bad terms with one another it only makes things more stressful. Good luck!

Hi A.,
I know you might not want to hear this, but for the sake of the kids, I think you should get together as a family and go out of your way to make it a peaceful situation. Unfortunately, I grew up in a broken household. I don't mind that my parents were separated, but I wish they could have had a better relationship around each other, even if it was faked for my sister and I.
Good luck!