How to Deal with My Sons Stepmother Who Tries to Act like His Mom?

Honestly? I say get over yourself.

This woman, who married your son's father, is in his life. As a matter of fact, your son doesn't remember a time that she hasn't been there. 4 years out of 6 is a long time. Most of his life.

She wants to be a mom to him. Okay! More people to love him! How can you begrudge her wanting to love the child of the man she loves?

Her being another mom to him doesn't mean that you aren't his mom. It means that he has LOTS of love in his life. So get over your jealousy and embrace it. When you are both working together to love your son, you won't be fighting over petty stuff.

You don't need to protect your son from love, you need to protect him from hate and jealousy.

ETA: You said "i will not let another woman try to be his mom just because she married his dad"

This is unfair and silly. And it's not about her or your son....it's about you and your own insecurities. Nobody is going to replace you. Really. Your son will always know who his real mom is. It's okay to let his step mom love him....like a mom should. She's being his mom over there, where you can't be. I know I would want that for my sons.

ETA2: You said, "[she]has done things on purpose to make me mad." I'm sorry, but do you realize how narcissistic this sounds? Really? Do you really think she's TRYING to make you mad? What, pray tell, would she ever hope to gain from that? Think about what you are saying here. It simply doesn't make any sense.

We are only hearing your side of the story here and there are always two sides to a story. So based on your post..........

I don't know how old you are.... My thoughts would be to be the grown up and not stoop to her level and continue to engage in this nonsense.

If you are truly concerned for your son, then let go of all of your anger. He is witnessing 2 special people in his life fight all the time. Think about his view of how you both are acting. I think you just don't like stepmom and there is nothing abusive going on with dad's side. Maybe both of you are jealous of each other???

You say she makes your life a loving hell......only you can allow that to happen.

Have you ever considered that she might love your son? I think the fact that she does care for him is a good thing. A lot of stepmom's could care less and hate the hubby's children. Look at it from a positive view..... granted.. it sucks to have your son torn between 2 families but at the same time, if he forms solid bonds with his dad's family and with yours, then maybe he will grow up to be a more mature stable person than you and step mom are acting like right now.

Look at the big picture and what your main focus should be.... YOUR SON. Put all of your energy into being the best mom you can to him and stop the girl drama with step mom. Your son is watching you model this behavior.... Make sure you model positive behavior... not the negative.

I wish the best for you and your son.

You are your sons mother. Don't engage with her.

It sounds like you are dealing with her way too often. She shouldn't be having time to complain to you about him when they fight, and then brag to you about him when they get along..why so much contact with this woman?

Here's what I see my high-functioning divorced friends doing. I'm divorcing so I plan to emulate it: They are polite to their exes. If they don't have close friendships with the exe's new spouses, then they are polite to the spouses, but hardly ever talk to them. They deal with their exes, and only when necessary DURING visitation and shared events. Other than that, they're busy in their own lives with their own friends. Some of them actually like the new spouses, and then it's very beneficial and easy for all. But MANY do not, so keeping contact to a minimum is key.

If he only has your son every other weekend, then that's really the only time you need to deal with them at drop off and pick up. If there is an issue with your child while with them, then talk to your ex not just her. Don't worry about the video games etc. When you son is older, he'll look back at all the time they let him waste on their short times together.

Get more involved in your own life so you don't have so much time to fret over these people. It sounds like you're all trying to parent together a little too much for what the visitation hours actually are.

From her point of view, he has always been in your son's life and I am sure he hasn't disclosed anything different.

It's good that she has accepted your son as her own because to do otherwise is just not fair to your son. When my husband refers to my son when talking to other people, he says "our son" or "my son" not "her son". He's been in his life since he was 3.5. If he did otherwise, I would not be with him.

Now if she is trying to make people think you are NOT his mother, that is wrong but claiming him as her son, that is wonderful!

From your post, I'm not clear on these things...How does she make your life living hell? How are you trying to protect him? What is she specifically doing that is so wrong or clingy? What does she do to try to make you look bad? Without knowing these things, I don't know how to answer you.

O. thing is certain: The truth is the truth.

Once you accept that, you can stop obsessing about who said what, who's 'better', who is the better parent.

Of you are, then you are. If she is, then she is. That truth really isn't affected by what other people say or do.

So get that behind you and start putting your little boy first. It's not about you, or her, or his dad anymore.

Having babies isn't a contest, it's a lifelong responsibility.

If you want all the drama to stop, then just stop...it's that easy!

Encourage your son when it's time for him to go over for a vist "It will be fun, you get to see Daddy and Stepmom and lil' brother, etc " and then stop worrying about what they do on their time with your child.

The bottom line is ( and I am sure this s hard to hear ) that she knows this man way better than you, she has been in his life way longer than you ever were (you were only with him a month!) and she sounds like a wonderful loving step mom, trying to include him in their lives.

If she starts in trying to bad mouth the dad when they are having a rough patch, just cut her off and tell her that it's non of your business, she will get the hint.

Try to stay positive that your child has a stepmom that wants your child in her life.

You have to get over it.

No woman will ever replace you, he knows who his mother is, nothing and no one can change that.

Honestly you should be happy he married a decent woman who accepts his child from a previous relationship. It could've gone the other way. My ex dated someone who was very mean and as it turned out abusive to my son. I don't know why she did it, but she did. It took a long time for my son to get over that. I have no idea how long it went on before I found out, I was livid! Be happy and thankful that you can trust her.

Now, as for all the drama? Stop. It's as simple as that. Accept that she married your ex and move on. She has him while his dad is away so just make it as pleasant as possible, you can't change it. When you drop your son off, say your goodbyes to him, then leave. What is the point if all the exchanges?

You are giving her too much control. If she starts something be the bigger woman and walk away.

Your son picks up on all the tension and that is why he acts the way he does. If the two of you got along I'm sure he would be fine. Stop putting him in the middle. I'm sure you don't mean to, but that's what's happening. When children like someone that one or both of their parents don't it makes them feel bad. My ex has a daughter, I knew that when we got together. I never had a problem until she got attached to me and her mother became jealous. She put that little girl and my ex through so much it was crazy. One weekend, after much fighting to get her, she came crying to me telling me that she liked me, but it mad her mommy upset. She told me she had to act like she didn't like me, but wanted to be secret friends. My heart broke, it wasn't until that moment that I knew she understood everything that was going on and she was only 6! Don't do that to your son.
Find a way to make it work!

You will always be his mother. The more people he has to love him the better!

Hey Mama, I know you are in a really difficult spot. I too am in a blended family. I married a man who has a daughter from his first marriage. His ex also has remarried. His ex does not support my husband's relationship with his daughter and has appointed her spouse as "Daddy". Case and point, we had a tornado alarm going off last time my stepdaughter was at our house. Her mom texted her saying, "call your Daddy (stepdad) He will make you feel better" even though she was in her Dad's arms being comforted and doing well. My husband did the bigger thing and told her," You can call him Honey if it will make you feel better." It is really hard for me to witness his ex disregard my husband in these ways but Hubs and I put all those feelings aside in those moments and do not let ourselves go there and think about "that is not right!" We want peace for our daughter so we refuse to fight over anything that is not a huge issue. As a result, my daughter does not have to deal with tension and anger between her
homes. Her peace of mind matters more to me than trying to make things fair and right. Hubs believes that a true dad puts all his feelings of pride and hurt aside if it is best for his child. That is why I married him and why I have no doubt his daughter will know who is her true dad in the long run. My best advice is to move out of this place of anger and frustration with this stepmom and learn to find peace no matter how insensitive she is to your feelings and your role as mom. If she treats your son well, that is all
that matters. Blessings Mom! And don't let her rob you of the joy that is yours in having your sweet boy. She is not worth your energy.

I know mothers that wish the dad had a relationship with their kids. But, as a stepmother its very painful to watch a stepdaughter that has a mom over and over fill things in her head that she wanted or thought the dad should do. Fact is, i wish a had a relationship with my stepdaughter. She has pushed and pushed away. I think its to make her mother feel better because her mother didn't want a stepmother for her daughter. For her it was jealousy. A question for you is what do you really want for your child. Do you want a father, sibling in his life. Fact is they are siblings. I want my child with my husband to know her sister(my stepdaughter). I don't want my daughter to eventually hate me because i kept her sister away. I let them see each other regardless of the feelings I have. I want whats best for my daughter. Fact is I won't always be in this world and i want family in her life regardless of the ill feelings i have. I am trying to work on my forgiveness of the way i have been treated. I always wanted a "family" including stepdaughter,but it didn't work out that way. Now I see my stepdaughter keeping people out of her son's life It's sad. Seeing her sabotage. Bottom line is i don't know you but I care about you. I wish for you forgiveness. and the best for your child.

I would but her in her place. And make sure she knows I'm his mother. And if she's not on the visitation right then you shouldn't have to leave your son with her. She doesn't have any rights to your son, so there for I'd talk to the court house about it and getting it documented. MyX never gets my daughter wen he's around or hanging out with whom ever his with. I put my foot down and take it to court, specially knowing they don't like me.

Another way in which to view this might be possibly from your son's perspective, which might be.. Hey, all these people LOVE me.... I got to be in a my dad's wedding.. I am special..... I feel loved...

Whatever your issues are with this woman, try and not let them get in the way with the relationship your son has with his dad. Dad may not have been there for the first two years,but he is there now.. It sounds like you may have old resentments towards your child's father of his not being there.

I think in this case, it's important to detach yourself from how you think things should be and in part, accept what is... and let go of the things you cannot change .. By that I mean, you can't change the woman, you can't erase the past of dad not being there for the first two years.. but you can accept the here and now.. both dad and stepmom do seem to love your son.. for now, that may have to be enough and the thing that helps you to move past the negativity..

good luck

Just having observed many of my friends who have divorced, and then one or both exes re-married, where there were kids involved, I have seen what seems to work, and what really doesn't. A few of my friends have remained friendly/respectful with their exes and the exes' new spouses. I'm sure it really wasn't easy for them to be friendly like that, with the hurt feelings that were probably involved, but I do have several friends who did it, and their kids are SO much better off and well-adjusted for it.

As an example, we know a couple where the wife had 3 kids with her ex, and then divorced when the kids were pretty young. She re-married and had 2 kids with the new husband. Her ex-husband re-married and had a few more kids himself. The kids mostly live with their mother, but do spend time with their dad and step-mom on holidays and during the summer. The kids refer to the step-mother as their "bonus mom." I thought that was a nice way to refer to her - and it was at their mother's insistence that they call her that. She wanted them to feel that they didn't have to choose - that they could love her, their mother, as well as their dad's new wife, and that when they were at dad's house, they should feel like the woman tucking them in at night was someone who loved them just like they were her own. Likewise, the step-dad is referred to as "bonus dad," and he sees no difference between his wife's 3 kids, and his own 2 kids. They're all his kids in his eyes.

Now, like I said, that can't have been easy to come to that point for the adults. But these kids are SO well-adjusted. They're teens and going off to college, and every one of them has straight As, lots of friends, and are active in sports, their church, etc. These kids are a credit to their parents (and that's what we all want for our kids, right?). Every adult in the situation put their own hurts and issues aside and just embraced the fact that the new wife (husband, etc) was there to stay, and would be a part of the kids' lives - so better to make the best of it for the kids' sake.

If you are able to do this, I think your child will be better off. It's really not about you feeling hurt that this woman doesn't acknowledge that you were in her husband's life first, or whatever, it's really about your child. Your child now has a brother who will be his brother all his life. That's not going to change. Put your hurt feelings aside and try to make nice with this woman, who is your son's brother's mother, and always will be. You don't have to be her best friend, but stop fighting for your son's sake! Don't make him feel like he has to dislike this woman. What is the point of that? You're his mother and always will be. And now he has a bonus-mom who can be there to back you up. You may not agree with every single thing she says or does, but who cares. She took enough of an interest in your son that she got his father involved in his life, where he hadn't been before. Right? She sees the importance of family and is making an effort. That has to be worth something, even if you don't want to be her friend.

My first thought is that she did the right thing the very best thing in encouraging or even pushing her husband into having a relationship with his father. Whether he is a so-so father or a good father, as long as he isnt abusing your son, he NEEDS to be part of your son's life. My older kids Never got over their father, my ex not being very involved in their lives, despite having all my love and a great step father they felt rejected by him.
So the first thing you said put me on her side of this argument. You make vague implications of how she makes you life a living hell but don't explain how, sounds like just by arguing with you?? For your son's sake you need to find a counselor to advise you how to deal with her, and a cousin an aunt, someone who can do drop off and pick ups for a while to keep you two apart. This is SO important to your child's emotional health.
It's clear you want to do what's best for your son, so ask a counselor HOW to make things better.

ok people will not get this unless they are dealing with that type of woman. i get it, been there...... still there. i agree with the person who said to only talk to them when necessary. i only talk to my ex about scheduling. that's it.

My guess is a big part of the reason your son may cry when you take him to his dads is because he is sensing your emotions. You need to put his feelings first and start encouraging him to have a wonderful relationship with his brother, his father, and his step mother, who is in fact a second mother to him. You need to stop being jealous of his relationship with her and focus on your own relationship with your child and let him have a good one with her as well. Most kids who get a step parent that young will call the step parent mom or dad, and that is normal and does not mean he sees you as less of a mother. And of course his step mother should continue visitation while dad is deployed, not only to keep his schedule normal, but also so he can see his brother and step mother, who are just as much his family as you are.

It does seem you are having a hard time accepting that he married and started a family with someone else, have you ever considered seeing someone like a therapist to help you work through your feelings so they don't affect your child's relationship with the rest of his family?

ETA: I love Christy's answer!! Read it again and again!! Learn from it.

Julie:

Welcome to mamapedia!

I hope you have learned your lesson about sleeping with a man before you know him better or use better protection.

As to this W. - why on earth do you have so much interaction with her? Why have not shut her down before now?
Why have you not put her in her place before now?
Your ex-lover allows her to do it because he's most likely "pu**y-whipped" and men lose their head when they are done-whipped.

How do you know they haven't been together this whole time?

Next time you have to drop your son off for visitation? Be professional - I expect him home by X time on Sunday. Give your son a huge hug and kiss - tell him you love him and be off. DO NOT give this W. the time of day. When she drops your son off - DO NOT allow her in your home. Thank her for dropping him off and close the door.

You need to be professional with her as she is your son's step-mother. So you will have to deal with her as long as they are married. DO NOT say anything bad or nasty about her in front of your son - as he will most likely repeat it around her and your ex.

Her insecurity is NOT your problem. She has to deal with that. If she thinks her husband is going to leave her or cheat on her - it speaks volumes of how they met and how she perceives herself....again - NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Deal with her as professionally as possible. Keep her in line - and do NOT allow her to dictate how your son or life will be.

Good luck!

You need to get past this and accept that your son has two moms and two dads. I assume your husband acts as a father to your son? If not he certainly should and I bet you expect him to. You also need to put your son first, before your feelings about your ex's wife. That means encouraging him to have a good relationship with his dad, brother and step mom. Just like you would do if you had another son and the two kids weren't getting along.