A.J. asks from San Marcos, TX on February 14, 2007
How to Deal with Loss
My husband and I got pregnant with our first child in June of 2006. In November, at a doctor's appointment we found out that the baby had passed. I had to go to the hospital and have labor induced. The worst part is that we do not know why the baby died. Has anyone else gone though this? How do you cope? I sometimes feel that I am still spiraling downward and have no one to hold on to. Sure I have my husband, but I don't always feel like he understands and it's hard for me to express it. We want to try for more children, but I am so scared. I don't think I could handle something like this happening again, my heart is broke enough. I'm not one for going to support groups and I don't know how comfortable I would be talking to a shrink. What do I do?
K. answers from El Paso on February 15, 2007
Personally I have never had to deal with something like this, but I'm part of a message board at SheKnows.com. They have all kinds of boards there and you will be able to find someone who knows exactly what you're feeling. There are due date boards, miscarriage/loss boards, trying to conceive (TTC) boards, everything. Please go there- it's a great bunch of people and very supportive, and they can share their experiences. Good luck to you.
L.M. answers from Austin on February 17, 2007
I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced it myself, but have a number of friends who have lost children to miscarriage and still birth. They recommend the organization Mend. (www.mend.org) They are a faith-based community of support for parents who have lost children to still-birth, miscarriage, and early infant death. Mend offers regular support groups where you could meet and talk with other parents who have experienced the same grief you have. If you're not interested in their support groups they offer other resources online. The book Safe in the Arms of God has also been a resource that my closest friend has used and says was very meaningful. It sounds like you're not very interested in talking about your pain, but I encourage you to find some outlet. Talking is a really effective way to process our grief, and it sounds like processing is what you might need most. Good luck!
P.L. answers from San Antonio on February 16, 2007
I am so, so sorry! My heart goes out to you! I had a miscarriage and was devastated. I was a basket case. I grieved for almost a year and mine was not nearly as far along as your baby was. I was a little over 2 months pregnant. Althought my husband was very supportive, he was not sure how to help. It was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I had a close girlfriend who really did not get this. She was supportive at first and then thought I was way over the top when I kept grieving and did not understand why it was taking me so long to get over this. She really did not understand the complete loss and helplessness, and depression I was going through ( as most people do not). I found a great little publication/ article that I will try to locate for you called "surviving miscarriage" Not sure I still have it , but I will look for it. I would love to talk to you and tell you more about what happened to us ( it has a happy ending ). Please feel free to contact me at: ____@____.com so we can get in touch and visit on the phone. I will be gone most of the day today but will be home late this afternoon and around this weekend. Hope to talk to you ... P.
D.M. answers from Wichita Falls on February 16, 2007
Hi A. I know a little about what you are feeling. Just a year ago I was pregnant and thought everything would go as normal seeing as I have three children already. I was told I had a Molar Pregnancy. They had to do a DNC on March 10th last year. A Molar pregnancy is when your body thinks you are pregnant and all that forms is tissue and tumors. I am a God fearing christian and do not believe that things just form. I belive there was supposed to be a baby and that baby is waiting for me in heaven. I od not know if you believe in God but that is what helped me cope. I was so devistated at first and I still think about it now. I thought about it the month that baby was due and have been thinking about it seeing as the 1 year DNC anniv. is comming up. Most would not even think about that being important but it is to me! No one not my closest friends asked me how I was doing the month the baby was supposed to be due. I was heartbroken inside. You just have to trust that things will work out better and that you will be able to bear children. You have to muster up strength and be brave and try again.
Again if your believe in God you have to look to him to be your source of strength. I do not believe that God wishes anything like this on us and we may say well then why did it happen. The scriptures say that Satan is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. I belive satan is the one who destroyed my pregnancy NOT God.
I hope that this has encouraged you. feel free to contact me. I could go on and on about what I believe, if you want to hear more than jsut email me.
As a side note we are presently trying to have another baby. I have been off my BC for about 3 months and it is nerve racking every month thinking is this the month. However we are so excited and can't wait to add anther somebody to our family.
I will be praying for you
J.P. answers from Wichita Falls on February 16, 2007
My friend went through the same thing. It broke my heart. I don't know if you are religious, but she focused on knowing that God had a plan for her. She was broken, but always turned to God for healing. She also had the support of friends. I had a miscarriage and I understand to a degree, but could never imagine what you and my friend went through. As far as husbands go, well, they try.........but you're right they seem like they don't understand. I think that men focus on being tough, so they can't let their grief show as much. This makes them think they are being strong for you. With our loss my husband was the same way.
My friend did go on to have another baby. She's a beautiful little girl who is going on two years old now. Don't give up. There is a plan for you too. Something I've learned is everything is on God's time. After my miscarriage, I went on to have a handsome little boy. Best of luck to you and God bless you and your husband.
G.B. answers from San Antonio on February 16, 2007
I am so sorry for your loss, even though I didn't loose my baby from a miscarriage I truly understand what you are going through. My oldest daughter would be 20 this coming May and there is NOT a day that goes by that I do not think about her and how she would look, what she would be doing, etc.
I was 22 when she was born, she was born on my birthday, we shared even more of a special bond; at 9 months she had surgery to remove a brain tumor, which was cancerous...she lived another 6 months after that. Her death has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through...if you would have told me back then that I would be "somewhat" normal I would have told you to go to hell. Parents are NOT suppose to out live their children. It does suck!
You do survive; even though it doesn't feel like it right now. My marriage however, did suffer. The doctor's told me that if our marriage was not strong enough to begin with it might not survive the illness. My ex-husband wouldn't talk about it...he kept it inside. And I didn't force the issue; Men feel that they have to be strong for us...they can't show emotion...Truthfully I would have loved for him to show emotion.
I think they do not understand because to them the baby isn't real until he/she is born. You need to talk with your husband let him know that you need to know what he is feeling, tell him how you are feeling; work at this together for you both to survive this and move on with your life.
I do have two beautiful daughters a 17 yo (Same father as my oldest) and a 3 year old (a true gift from God). So you can have more children and as one of the other ladies said your doctor will consider you as a "high risk" pregnancy and watch you even more closely. I am sure you will be nervous especially until you pass the weeks that you lost your 1st born (I know I was); but you will be able to get through it. I promise.
I also believe that you do need to ask your OB/GYN for some depression medication. It doesn't make you forget but it helps you to get through the day and your emotions easier. I have been taking depression meds on and off and it hasn't hurt me or my children one bit. Don't be afraid to ask for help. As for talking to a shrink or support group. I went to both and it was ok; but it was easier to just talk to friends or even strangers about her; yes, I know our situations are a little different; but talking helps and if people are uneasy about it then they truly aren't your friends.
I look back now, and realize everything in our life happens for a reason and even though we don't agree with it, it is for the best.
I know that I have my own guardian angel, Dominique, watching over me and my girls. Granted I would love to have her here with me, but there is a saying that our children "are children are only on loan to us"; but a Parent is NOT suppose to outlive their children.
I pray that you and your husband find peace in your heart, so that you both can continue on your journey together and add to your family.
Bless you both,
G. & Girls
J.K. answers from Corpus Christi on February 15, 2007
How sad you must be. I have never experienced what you and the others are talking about so I won't even pretend to know how you feel. However, I do know one thing, if you don't feel comfortable even going to a shrink, go to your GP. Tell him/her how you are feeling, they can help you. Listen to the advice the others are giving that have been in your situation but at the same time you need to see a Dr. about your depression. Please, go see someone.
B. answers from San Antonio on February 15, 2007
I am so sincerely sorry to hear about your loss. I haven't experienced the actual loss of a child in this way, but I have experienced 2 miscarriages. I can sorta understand your grief. Husbands hurt too, but not the way we do. I think it's different for us because we are the one's who experience the actual physical pains and emotional torture involved a little worse than they do. We tend blame ourselves when things like this happen. We shouldn't. I am a firm believer that we go through things sometimes only to make us stronger, we might not understand them at the time, but believe me, you must go on. And that there is always a reason for such things. I urge you to try to get pregnant again, not to forget about your loss, but to help you move on. Best of luck, I will keep you in my prayers.
J.C. answers from Austin on February 15, 2007
A., I lost my first pregnancy at 14weeks, and the second at 10weeks.. I was young and healthy. I know how hard it is when you loose your first child. My sister lost her first about 5 1/2 months it was very tramatic. Both My sister and I have 2 beautiful children now and are very happy that we did not give up. There is a time for everything, now was not time...I know in my heart that you will be able to have another child. We do not know why these things happen and for what reasons, all we know is that it gives us stength. Keep faith, your child is still waiting to become part of your family. Love jenn