How to Deal with a Teenager That Thinks the World Involves Around Them?

Well.....I have worked in the elementary, middle, and high school settings, have two children of my own - and before having my own children, my husband and I helped raise 3 teenage boys (whom we consider family and love dearly).

I am huge on responsibility and accountability for one's actions and choices. He made the choice to not get a job to the end of July, so he can take the natural consequences that come with that - whether or not that fits into what he wants.

Here's my motto: there is a difference between entitlements and privelges.......I don't believe you are entitled to a car because you are of driving age - it is a privilege.

We have to teach (and enforce) what we want our children to learn, or they go out into the world without the tools they need to deal with everday disappointments, struggles, and challenges.

Maybe he can sacrifice his cell phone, new clothes, video games, etc. to put towards his car repairs.......that's what we adults would have to do. It is a great learning opportunity. Best wishes and blessings to your family!

2 moms found this helpful

yep it's responsibility time!
You told him to get a job, he chose not to. Now he needs to pay for his consequences.

Was he at fault for the accident? Or was it a single car with only liability insurance?

WElcome to the real world!

2 moms found this helpful

What would you do if you wrecked your car, and had to get to work? If its important enough to him, he will find a way. If he thinks mom and dad will bail him out, then why not procrastinate. By bailing him out you set the tone as he transitions from adolescent to adult. There are going to be a lot more situations like this as he does transition, and personally, I think that if he wants to have adult priviledges he should have to deal with the consequences as an adult. And correct me if I am wrong, but I have never heard of an autoshop class in high school that requires a student to have a vehicle. Better yet, why not take the car to autoshop class and he can fix it himself.

1 mom found this helpful

Tell him no.

Bailing him out cannot end well for him. It's all about personal responsibility and learning independence. You might point out to him that this is an excellent exercise in learning about insurance, and the pros and cons of paying more in order to have a smaller deductible. What a great life lesson! =)

Hang in there.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,

Is your son wanting the car fixed so he has something to drive when he ATTENDS auto class, or is he wanting to to use it as a PROJECT car in auto class?

If he just wants to have it to drive then stick to your guns and let him earn the money for repairs. If he thinks the car will be used in class as a project car then have him call and pay for a tow truck to get the car there.

It's all about taking responsibility.

You are in my prayers,
L.

1 mom found this helpful

Simple -- DON'T fix the car. Lots of 18 year olds don't have a car. My 19 year old doesn't have a car and I have no intention of getting him one. (And most teenagers think the world revolves around them -- it's our job to disabuse them of the notion.)

1 mom found this helpful

M.,
Make him walk to school until the car is fixed. He wrecked
it, he has to fix it. You bail him out now, he will always
expect you to....for the rest of his life. If he needs the
vehicle to work on in class, then speak to the teacher and
see what he says, they may have a spare, or may be able to
use his as is. Good luck,
W.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear M.,

The Bad News:

Fasten your seat belt, this could be a bumpy ride! Kids who turn 18 in their senior year can really cop an attitude. (Can I get an AMEN somebody?) If they haven’t already pierced something or gotten a tattoo, they might. If they stay out too late or disobey you, you will hear the infamous; “I’m 18 and you can’t tell me what to do” line.

The Good News:

YES YOU CAN…. Your husband and you may have sworn to NEVER use the; “As long as you under this roof” line. Don’t be surprised if you do.

Bottom line, your son is asking you and Dad to do this and that for him. The kid still needs his Mom and Dad. He probably thinks just for monetary reasons, but you know better. He still needs the love, guidance and limitations that all kids need.

I would NOT fix his car. If you have AAA or some kind of towing insurance, the car can be towed to auto shop at school. Good that he has a job, let him start paying part or all of his own insurance and all of his gas and repair for HIS car.

I would let him know what your expectations are,what the rewards if they are met, and consequences will be if they are not.

Blessings to you and your family

1 mom found this helpful

I would NOT pay anything for the damages and I would simply tell him he CHOSE not to get the job sooner and thus CHOSE not to pay for the repairs and that the CONSEQUENCE of those decisions is no auto shop. Kids need to understand that there are consequences to their actions and they need to consider those consequences when making decisions and then be ready to suffer the consequences. No one likes to suffer consequences and he won't be happy but being responsible and living with the decisions we make is a hard life lesson - better he learn it now than later when the consequences might be much more severe! And I guarantee you that if you give in and pay for the repairs so he can attend auto shop, there will be another situation to follow where he will expect you to bail him out and when you tell him you won't he will throw it in your face that you bailed him out the last time. You have to stand your ground and be firm with teens otherwise they will make you sorry!

Hi M.!

Being a mom in these situations is so hard!

At 18, he doesn't want to live in your home, right? Because he wants to be "on his own".............well, perhaps this might be his first grown-up lesson............

I'm sure you'll do whatever you think is right, and I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to your situation. You are the only one who knows your son, and how responsible he really is :o)

Can I say that our 18 yr old daughter let her boyfriend drive her car....he wrecked it. She's now 22, and the car is JUST NOW being fixed. She took too long to save up half the $$$$, because "going out" was more important. We simply waited...........sure there was TONS of complaining, and asking to borrow our cars, but we said NO because she wasn't on our Insurance.

It's hard to have Tough Love, and it was only easier for us because we really didn't have the $$$$ to help her, but just wanted to help her.

I'm sure everything will be ok. Try not to "feel guilty" about it one way or the other. Simply go with what you know is right for your son. Sorry I'm not much help :o)

:o) N.

It may sound harsh to some but... he has two feet, is it too far to walk. If it is too far, there is always the bus. But then again, it all depends on what the circumstances were around the accident. I say make him walk or bus because i assume it was his fault the car is damaged. Besides, I am sure he has friends who drive right? CARPOOL BABY!...CARPOOL!

Teenagers. They do know everything, don't they? And they will until they have kids and then everything they were knowledgeable about will go straight down the toilet. Sigh.
Ok. I wrecked my mom and dad's car when I was a teenager, and it was totally my fault. Lucky for me it was used clunker anyway and they had not spent much on it. However, neither I nor my sisters ever had a car. We rode the bus, bikes, etc.
Your son does not need a car to get to school. And I highly doubt that any school system would require a kid to have their own car to take auto shop. Call me a skeptic. He can take what he learns at school and apply it at home.
The other thing- if he wrecked the car and you made it clear he was responsible for the car, then he needs to fix it. If you can help him, then a little is ok. But- here is the deal. Let's say the damages are $500 (like an insurance deductible). If he can save up $350-$400, maybe offer to pay the rest. But he needs to take responsibility for his actions. If he has to ride the bus, big deal. Kids ride the bus all the time. If he has to co-work on another car, big deal. He can get the same education and be just as valuable if he puts a good effort in.
Maybe try certain consequences. He wrecked the car- he gets one pass (with payment). If he does it again, it's 100% his responsibility, and now he has to pay his own insurance, too. If he can't follow your rules, he doesn't need a car...or a phone....or auto shop. There has to be a real world real life consequence for his actions, so that he can learn that he is part of a bigger world, not the center of it. It seems harsh, but lessons learned now will save him in the future.
Good luck!

I agree with the others, tell him no. If he wants to drive to school tell him to fix the car himself. He wrecked it himself, he's an adult, he can fix it. It teaches him the lesson of independence, respect, and problem solving. I think you've done enough. He needs to know how to take care of himself when he leaves home. This is the perfect opportunity to practice. Besides, there are more ways to get to school - carpool, transit, biking, walking, etc - depending on where you live and how far away you live from the school. Good luck and stand firm!

Hi M.,

Here is my advice...do not help him to get his wrecked car fix or give him any money to fix the problem. Let him figure it out and he will eventually figure it out since he is almost legally adult age. That way it teaches him the lesson if he is at fault for being careless driver. It also teach him that it is not cheap to fix the car once he is careless driver. It is plain and simple. Maybe it will be a lesson for him to be more careful when he drive once he pays for his car to be fixed. Good luck!

Tell him to take the bus to school, take auto shop so he can learn how to fix the car he wrecked and learn to appreciate and respect his parents hard work! You and your husband were generous enough to allow him access to the car he wrecked, the least he can do is to pay for damages on his own. :)

My brothers and I grew up on cars that my brother (the mechanic who went to a trade school b/c we couldn't afford Sequoia back then) fixed up then registered! Maybe if you did the same thing to him, he'll learn to respect valuable things. My family and I sure know how to take care of our vehicles and I intend to do the same to my daughter - her 1st car will not be what every other parent will be giving theirs, it's going to be something that she'll learn to love and take care of before she gets moved to the better car! Good luck! :)

Welcome him to adulthood, and things like "the law of natural concequences".
You wreak a car, you pay for it.
(you play, you pay)

honestly - I noticed when parent's paid for the cars the boys repeatedly trashed them, driving insurance rates up. Wean him now..... he learns cars are not disposable.

Tell him a bicycle is better for his health and the environment.
heh.

Hi M.,

My Husband and I decided long before our kids were old enough that if they wanted to drive they would need a B average with nothing lower than a C in order to get their licence and if they showed any kind of irresponsible behaviour, the car would be gone. Also we had decided that they would need to pay for half of their car. Whatever they saved we would match. We have 3 so far that have gotten cars, and they have varied greatly on the value. Our sons did not save much so they got a cheaper car. Our daughter on the other hand started with a car that was only 5 years old and in great shape. She is now driving an even newer car and is talking about getting a brand new car, she just turned 21. Also I will mention that our one daughter who is 19 does not have her licence yet because her behaviour was such that did not warrant it. She did the grades and got her permit but was not making me comfortable with her having a licence, when she would not listen to instruction and kept arguing that she was not making mistakes.

Not to sound harsh, but your son does not sound like he is acting responsibly by waiting to the end of summer to get a job. My advice would be to tell him no. Let him know that you told him at the start of the situation that he was to get a job to pay for it and since he did not, he only has himself to blame for not having a car. If you bail him out now, he will get the message that you will not follow through with what you say and that you will always bail him out of trouble. Therefore giving him licence to be irresponsible.

It is tough to do this and watch them suffer, I know, we have had to do this with our oldest son. He has wanted us to bail him out a couple of times and we had to tell him no due to the fact that he was not being responsible. It was tough, but he got through it and now he is better for it, he is 19 and working as a fork lift operator. We also, as I mentioned took the privilage of driving from my 19 yr old daughter as she just was being stuborn about learning, she was mad at us for quite a while but she is much more willing to learn now. She is working for the state and took an apartment just around the corner from work, but is seeing now what a pain it is not to have her licence and a car. It is tough as a parent to watch your child suffer in any way, but in this case he will come out a better man for it.

A freind of ours bailed out their son, he crashed three cars before they said enough, the last time he almost died.

There is another thing I would like to add and then I will stop. It is much better to have your child be mad at you for a while because you did not pay. Than to not have him at all because he had another accident and wrapped himself around a tree and died. Good luck and God bless.

D.

I haven't read the other responses, but my advice is... too bad for him! Guess he'll have to take the bus until he can fix his car. He's 18, life lessons start now unless you want to be providing his transportation when he is 25, 35, etc. We all want stuff now, we learn to be grown-ups by practing delayed satisfaction. Don't give in, it won't help him grow into a self-reliant adult. In my view, our jobs as parents is to create individuals who can survive and thrive in the world. Hard lesson for him, important one too. Good luck!

This website has been a source of countless parenting and teaching help to me:
http://www.loveandlogic.com

From a 25-yo with a 19mo old attached to my hip, and walks everywhere and takes the bus everywhere, I say leave the car broken until HE HIMSELF GETS IT FIXED. He will live. He wrecked it, now he's gotta fix it. Don't offer to share any costs. Don't loan him a penny. He's 18, not completely a mature adult but getting there (I'm sure he's well aware and he's already made that known). He needs to be responsible for his own actions and learn to be more careful with people and things. He can't run and hide behind mommy and daddy's backs when he does something wrong. He needs to own up to it.
He's gonna complain A LOT. You don't have to take it, just ask "Who wrecked the car?" That should keep him quiet for a bit. I wish u all the best. :)

I am a little late and certainly back your decision, we have a 17 year old that has finished school and has a job but has not finished the permit test nor the behind the wheel, we make him walk to and from work and just last night decided that he would start paying rent if he wanted the freedom he is so desparately seeking. We made "House rules" and all agreed that he can have the freedom to come and go provided he is respectful and honest. At this age they so want the freedom but don't want the responsibility. Good luck and I think you made the right decision in making him pay for his mistake. In the real world we all have to take responsibility. =)

L.

Hi M.,

When our son was 16 he wanted to drive the family car. We told him we would allow that ONLY when he was able to buy his own insurance. He was not too happy with us about the car, but he survived without it... as he could not seem to save the $$ for the insurance.

Point is your 18 year old son should have to buy his own insurance. If he wrecked the car that insurance would pay for it. You and your husband should NOT repair the car for him. If he has to take auto shop without his own car, that is tough. He needs to start developing responsibility.

At 18 he should be finishing high school and/or getting into college. If he is not in school you should have him get a job and pay for room and board....or kick him out of the house. Tough love. It works.

Best of luck to you
Merylyn

Sounds to me like it is a good opportunity for you to teach him a life lesson. I know it is hard, but he HAS to learn that there are always consequences to his actions. If he wants to go to auto shop he needs to fix the car... he is 18 and it is important as he approaches adult hood that he learn to take responsibility for his actions. If you feel obligated to help him then draw up a contract and LOAN him the money. He has a job now and he can work a budget and see what he can afford to pay. Even if it takes forever for him to pay it off it will be worth teaching him this lesson. I hope that you find the strength, because I know it will be hard. In the long run you don't want him to rely on you forever.:b Good luck.

I think it depends on the circumstances of the car accident. If he was being totally negligent and stupid, like showing off for his friends, then you should help less. If it was just of case of being an inexperienced driver then you should help more. We all make mistakes. I don't think paying half is too much depending on the circumstances, as long as he is attending school. On the positive side, it is great that he did get a job and he is also showing responsibility by wanting to take part in repairing the car in auto shop. I totaled my first car and my parents helped me buy another car several months down the line. I didn't expect them to but they did. It was a cheap car but it got me to school and back. I've had a job since I was 16 and paid for my own insurance and gas. I feel like that taught me responsibilty. Whatever you feel in your heart will help him in the long run is what you should do.

Just keep telling him he has to do and this is what it is to be an adult. You are teaching him responsibility so keep up the good work. Tell him maybev he can get it fixed for less at the city college by their auto shop students and he could even enroll in the class and have a hand in fixing it himself. Great job.

Hi M.,

I would teach him how to be responsible. You did not get into the accident in his car he did. He is 18 years old. Tell him you will help him with part of it but he has to come up with the money first.

Make him do extra chores to make up for the money you give him if you decide to.

Do not make it easy for him.

Until then let him take the bus or get rides with friends.

Good luck.

N. Marie

Don't fix the car. If he needs it, he'll pay to fix it.

FYI: there is hope - our 18 yrs olds DO become HUMAN again and realize that EVERYTHING actually DOESN'T revolve around them. Some take longer than others so BE PATIENT and CONSISTENT in love and discipline!

Wife of 1 wonderful husband and Mom of 4 beautiful (human) children: 19 yr girl, 11 yr boy, 6 yr boy, baby due 10/1!

p.s. you could remind him that planning is an important part of life and that the lack of prior planning on HIS part (to get a job and fix the car himself) does not constitute an emergency on YOUR part (to fix the car FOR him before school starts). Stay strong! Good luck!

Hi M.,
I am a family therapist specializing in teens, and I would recommend standing firm here-- so he wants he it fixed for back to school-- that's his problem, not yours. If *you* want it fixed, and he hasn't gotten around to it, then it's time to play hard-ball. He's 18, legally an adult, take him to small claims court. Also, I *highly* recommend 'Then Answe is No!' I forget who the author is, but it's a great guide to dealing with teens.
Good luck!

Hi M. -

Your son is or will be soon legally an adult - and he should have adult responsibilities. Under no circumstances should you fix half the damages to the car. He will just have to miss auto shop this semester and have some natural consequences to his behavior- he should work to fully pay for the repairs to the car.
If everyone keeps rescuing him from his bad decisions, he will never learn to make good ones. He will be mad at you for not rescuing him, but so what - you would be doing him a disservice if you took the responsibility from him-!

At this age kids need to make the transition from childhood dependence on parents to adult self-sufficiency-

Good luck with your son!

I think that you should make him pay for the car. He wrecked it. There is that thing called the bus he can take. Or help him pay for it but make him pay you back, if its absalulty nessasary for him to need the car fixed asap. I have the smae problem with my daughter. HSe just lost her 3rd ipod because she took it to summer school. Its the ipod and the cell phone that always turn up missing. I told her after her grandma bouhgt her the last phone and ipod that if she loses them than she will not be getting anther one from us or family. i hope it helps

M.,

He needs to walk, bike, take public transportation or get a friend to ride with until he can pay to have the car fixed. You didn't mention if it's the family car or his. Either way it's his responsibility. It's also a privilage not a right. Do not pay for half the damages.

C. C

Tough love? I would say, at best, offer to loan him the 1/2 of the money he wants you to pay. Unless of course he wrecked it being irrisponcible. If you think he is not yet ready to be a responcible driver...by all means, keep him off the road. I would not let my son get his licence cause I felt he was not showing he could be a responcible person. Now he is 18 and still does not have a car...but is working to save enough money for one cause I wont even co-sign for a 5,000.00 loan. If he wants it bad enough he will work for it. And by working for it, I hope that it makes him care more not to do something stupid. Good Luck!

Life is full of disappointments...sounds like he needs to begin learning that the hard way. Children do not become responsible for themselves and/or their actions if they are constantly bailed out of their problems. He needs to be held accountable for his actions and needs to learn this lesson before he leaves your house or he will always use mom and dad as a "plan B" to fall back on. Hope you don't think this is harsh, but my 13 yo boy is more responsible than many older boys and it is because I "gave" him responsibility and made him accountable in taking it on.

Good luck!

He's 18...He choose not to get a job to get his car fixed. Welcome to the world of consequences. You told him what he had to do to get his car back. He did not follow through on his end of the deal. Therefore, no car for back to school. Be strong...you are doing a great job...it will teach him to be more responsible next time and realize you are serious about his resposibilities. Driving a car is GREAT responsibility, it is also a PRIVILEDGE. If you go back on your word, he'll always know he can try it again next time.