How to Cope with Hunband Who Drinks Beer and Smokes pot-Hard Working Not a Loser

As the sister of a dead alcoholic/recreational 'mild' user (but otherwise a great guy), I feel led to talk to you honestly and openly.

This is the deal. YOU have the dilemna. He has chosen drugs and alcohol over you and your kids. He does not love either of you as much as he loves his drug of choice. I don't care if he is an occasional user or every day, it is still an addiction. You can continue to make excuses for him, you can try to find a way to chill out on it and say it's okay and not let it bother you. I do believe that this path of 'least resistance' will end up with at least one of your children a worst addict and one of them will probably go so far in the other direction they never speak to any of you. They do figure things out, trust me.

My EX sister in law left my 'occasional' user brother after 18 years of marriage. She could not take it anymore. Did he love her enough to quit and get clean? No, he didn't have a problem, right? So 2 years later he died quietly in his sleep as a result of his 'occasional' use and beer drinking. My nephew doesn't have a father now.

You have to choose better. But it is not easy. You also have to come to terms with the fact he may never choose you and the kids over pot/alcohol. It is a strong addiction, though it seems so mild. It has control of him, he does not have control of it. You are not prudish, you know right from wrong and it kills you that he doesn't. He won't stop on his own. I know I'm harsh, but you need to be able to face the truth and reality and quit making excuses for him and quit making excuses for why you refuse to leave him.

I always want to err on the side of remaining in a marriage. But your kids lives are at stake here, do not be fooled.

I hope it works out better for you & your kids than it did for my nephew. Good luck I honestly care, but you have to be the adult in the marriage right now, and as hard as it may have to get to, if you REALLY want a solution, you'll figure it out. Otherwise, just go back to saying nothing and silently being bothered, living in fear of what's to come because that is where you will stay. It is a big deal, regardless of what other wives are willing to excuse and put up with, this is your life.

Take care,
D.

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Hello L.: I have read and reread your statement several times. Thought about just letting it go but you asked for others input so here is my 2 cents.
It sounds like you are tired of making deals with your husband. I have to say it almost sounds like a parent/child relationship. 10 years is avry long time!
I have had run a business for many years, and it has not at any time been easy but I have not chosen to use drugs or drink as an escape. What kind of an enviroment this has created for your children to watch and use as an example when they must make choices in life.
I saw my husband work full time,go to school for his masters degree, serve in our church leadership, and be a FATHER, to 5 children. He never drank or did drugs in his life.He felt that it was his responsibiltiy to set an example of how they were to make proud choices in their life.
This is not a judgement as much as it is a reality check. Be ready for the children to make the same choices that you do and he does. Unless you are ready to make a real choice for yourself and then live with all the consequences, all the advice in the world is not going to help .
I wish you well.Nana G.

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I think that you need to just start ignoring it and be happy. I am assuming that you knew that he did that stuff before you got married, and before you had kids! I was in the same boat for a long time, I just figured that he would quit when we had kids even though he had never stated that. Anyways, long story short, when I quit worrying about it and just accepted that it was just the way that things were going to be, he decided to quit all on his own! and that was a difficult change actually....there was a long transition period, if you are happy with the person that he is, even with the drinking and smoking pot, then I think that you should just back off, and let him be. I am VERY glad that my husband quit that stuff, but unless you are ready to be supportive of him as he basically goes through hell, you might want to be careful what you wish for! Good Luck!

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Hi L.
my husband smoked pot for the first 12 years that I knew him. No matter what I said, he would not stop. Not until we had a son...... that was HIS incentive. My point, your husband has to have his own incentive (and desire) to stop.... No matter how much you monitor him (As I often did my husband) he wouldn't quit. I didn't give him ultimatums. however I was getting fed up. It wasn't until he finally quit (now for about 8 years) that he then realized that hey, he did have a problem. The dilema with regard to pot is that it's not regarded by some as really being a powerful drug. However, I do think that anything that drives your behavior and you feel you MUST HAVE in order to calm down is in fact a problem. There are no easy answers or cures. BUT.. while you wait for your husband to stop? you could begin to ask yourself why you continue to put up with it. I know, the kids are a big reason, but apart from them, ask yourself why you have dealt with it for so long. I know you can't change him, but you can begin to work on you , maybe your approach to the situation (no judgment here) your current approach may be ok, although there could be different ways to cope with this. ANother approach would be reading a self-help book (I have read many) so many suggest unless, I , myself have done it) start with co-depency. There is a book called co-dependent no more. OR you might find others. just check out amazon. com
anyway, wish you the best of luck :)

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Dear L.,

After 10 years of doping and drinking, if dumping him is not an option, its hard to even address your problem.

If you think his friends are just “giving him” pot, he’s got you in the dark. Have you ever asked him to make the choice between his family and his drinking and drugs?

I would let him know that you will no longer “monitor” him and that he is free to leave and you are considering leaving with the kids. Either way, you would not be “dumping” him. Seems to me he’s already “dumped” his family in favor of his habits.

If you want your life to change, you have to make a plan. Painfully the plan may not include your husband.

Blessings....

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I once heard something that makes sense....Can you go 7-14 days without it and not miss it? If you can and you truly in your heart don't miss it then it's not addiction. I tested myself once and did learn NO I wasn't however for other people this is the test. Sure he goes months without drinking but how is that time for him? If this is who he is and he's not quitting and you are not willing to leave then you must change how "YOU feel about what HE's doing". You can not take a stand if you aren't willing to really take a stand. Accept it or try and talk to him about it. Ask him, Do you have control of it or does it control you? Tell him not to answer but give him a case scenario and even then tell him he doesn't have to answer you what he'd do...however the first feeling or response he got may lead him to wanting different for himself on his own. I did something similar to my fiance recently. He was actually out drinking with his friends and he wouldn't come home because he had been drinking. I simply sent him a text reminding him if we had an emergency if he couldn't get home did he at that point have control of drinking or did drinking control him? What would he do and how would he handle it. I definitly broke through...though I definitely KNOW my fiance does NOT have control of drinking. He drinks ONLY occasionally but when he drinks he gets drunk which is another sign of an alcoholic plus he doesn't make great decisions. Anyhow...help him to find the answer without sounding like you are nagging.

On the Pot issue...if you smoke everyday you are addicted. PERIOD! It is an addictive drug though it's not classified that way. My brother smokes at night after work, when we fly to see our family for the Holidays he doesn't bring it nor does he smoke it there. He suffers a lot, sweats, can't sleep as well, stomach hurts and actually loses weight every single time...ON THE HOLIDAYS..HELLOOO!!! He knows within himself that its addictive because he's super irritable when he doesn't have it. Its the only time we bicker also. So I hope this all helps a bit.

OH yes! Switch his beer for Odouls if he says its just the taste he likes. ;-) My friend did this to her hubby after she left him for a short time. When she left with the kids it woke up him a tad and since he's been MUCH better and only drinks Odouls and regular beer if they go out together.

I wish you the best!! I personally hate my battle with my fiance about drinking myself.

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I'm only "in the same boat" regarding the smoking of regular cigarettes. My husband does that and it bugs the daylights out of me, partly because of the cost, but more because of the negative things it's doing to him, and the terrible way he smells after having a cigarette.
What your hubby says about you backing off is something you need to do. Don't get your hopes up too much that he will quit if you back off, but it will help your attitude.
I don't think you are correct in saying he isn't an alcoholic because that term doesn't mean he's falling down drunk all the time, but that he is dependent on alcohol ... and if he's using it and drugs to 'deaden body pain' that sounds like dependency.
You said he won't go to AA (because he doesn't believe he has a problem, most likely). You might look into Alanon. I've heard that it's a great help to people in your situation, even if the other party won't go to AA. They are supposed to be able to help you cope with living with the person who drinks and does drugs.

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I second "Co-Dependent No More", it is a great resource.

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Simply weigh the positives and negatives. If he is involved with the kids by playing with them and loving them, while on alternating substances or not, there's nothing to worry about except your own way of perceiving your husband. Many people will tell you that if he drinks to unwind he's dependent therefor an alcholic. Just not true. AND I know many who use medical marajuana which enables them to be positive for their families. My husband is one. He has owned his biz for 25 years now, and this is the worst time he's ever had. He actually stoped thc for a while to see if it changed the way he functioned and it did . He was in more pain and prescription drugs make him sicker, he withdrew from me and my kids. And all because of, what? What others think? Even though it kinda bugged me too, I told him to go back to thc. I just had to find my own thing to be involved with and not focus on what HE should be doing. And what a difference it's made.

Just one last thing this makes me think about. My husband and I are organic consumers, but my father is NOT. When my oldest would spend a day with grandpa they would eat fast food and sweets all day. Uhg, it was almost to the point of us saying that he could not have our son for the day. We tried many conditions on the situation but that led to sneaky behavior. Then one night at a parent education meeting through the school, my husband brought up the situation. The educator smiled and simply said, ' Does your father love him? Treat him with happiness and fun?" WE of course said YA! BUT... and she said that the love he holds and gives to his grandson is more important and a STRONGER influence than sugar and chemical foods are. Once we LET GO, it got better and my son has more to love receive and give. So keep the love intact, don't lay down conditions. Plus I work with children and it's the negative abusive behaviors they will have damage from. If your husband does not display these signs, there really is no worry. Keep hugging and loving ♥ smiling and laughing ☼!!!

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Tell him that he is a husband and a father and that as such, both you and the kids look to him for protection and assurance and safety - which he does not and can not give you when he's all doped up. I won't even go into what an impact this is going to have on the kids when the kids get to ages where they'll be making choices about doping up too. How irresponsible and selfish of him!!! I can't even imagine being turned on to someone who is stoned and I wonder how you ever manage to be intimate with him. Tell him his behavior makes him a complete turn-off.

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My ex-husband of the 90s was a beer-drinker and smoked pot... then he started with the prescription drugs and beer and pot... then he became abusive and threatened my life.

It may start out as nothing and it may not turn into anything but someone who drinks a lot is an alcoholic. I know... I lived with a mom like this for years who drank only certain times and eventually died from it. I know, it is very frustrating. I also had a BF would drank and would stop for months at a time and start back up again.

Perhaps you should go to Al-non to learn how to live with an alcoholic and drug user. He isn't going to change and it will probably get worse as time goes on.

I really feel for you.

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I think if he's not an addict or an alcoholic, and does not drink or smoke pot to excess, you should leave him alone. Not everyone who drinks and smokes pot is an addict.

If this stuff is costing too much money, and you guys can't afford it, then that is another issue. Maybe you should just approach it from that angle and say: booze is costing us X amount per month, how can we reduce that amount of money or make that more fair? Maybe YOU should get to spend X amount of money per month on something YOU want.

I would approach it from the money angle, if that's really an issue. I know plenty of people who drink on a regular basis and some who smoke pot on occasion and they are completely functional in every way.

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I grew up surrounded by people who looked the other way when the adults who were supposed to be responsible smoked and drank. Many of my friends and family members my age ended up with addition issues of their own, some serious. I also teach at a community college and see first hand with my students how growing up in a culture where drug use is accepted affects their success. You don't mention if he does this in front of your kids, but believe me, at some time they will figure out what dad is doing. Ask yourself just what kind of role model this is for your children. How will you feel when you get a call from school because one of your kids gets busted with pot or alcohol? I am not trying to be harsh...and I do realize you are in a very difficult situation. You seem to already have a sense that you do not like this. I would tell you to trust those instincts 100%.

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Hi L. S, I would suggest Alanon, they teach you how to take care of yourself, whether he's addicted or not. Good Luck

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L.,
My heart goes out to you. I am now on the other side of that great divide--my husband has been sober for two years now, and has no plans of doing otherwise. His brother, however, is not so lucky. It was his brother--a serious alcoholic--and his inability to 'control his drinking' that finally allowed my husband to see what he was doing to himself. He, too, was able to stop for a few months at a time. But he always went back, usually starting with our anniversary (October) and by the end of the holidays he was back full board.

"He won't go to AA, he doesn't have a problem." I have heard that before. Well, maybe you could just buy the "Big Book" as they call it and leave it around for him. And I definitely concur with those who suggest AlAnon--I probably could have used that in my years of dealing with the problem.

One thing that nobody has mentioned so far is the idea of an intervention. But that takes planning and coordination and a belief on the part of others in his life that that's an important thing to do. If he lives in a culture of drinking and smoking, that will be hard to do. AlAnon might be able to help with that.

I have asked my husband for advice on what to tell you. I'll get back to you. Good luck. And no matter what he thinks, he does have a problem, he is an alcoholic, but it is true--only he can decide to make the change. If he does, you will be amazed.

Best of luck.

Hi L.~

I'm sorry that this is something you are dealing with. Honestly, more than anything, I would be concerned about the example he is setting for your kids. What message is this sending to them? That it is ok to drink and use illegal drugs to deal with pain and stress? Obviously he has never learned how to use more healthy coping mechanisms. If what he is doing makes you uncomfortable, or makes your home life unpleasant, it is a problem and he needs to recognize that. Not to mention the fact that he is cutting his own life short by choosing such unhealthy behaviors. I would say that he is an alcoholic given that he has to use those things to cope with his life. He needs help, and you need support. Alanon is definitely a good place to start. Good luck to you. You have all of our support!

Hi L.,

I have a similar issue. I knew my husband smoked (cigerrets & pot) and drank before I married him. This was OK with me in the begining because we always agreed he would stop when I got pregnant. I nagged him earlier than that once I saw how much he spent on it and the fact that I felt he was always (in the evenings) out of it and we couldn't interract the way I wanted. He lost his job for about a year and then it got worse (harder financially and emotionally). I did a lot of nagging which caused him to start hiding it. This made me more upset because he was lying and sneaking. I finally gave up after I realized I was preganant. I reminded him about what he had promised and I told him that I could not live like this with a child. My issue was more the everyday use. I thought I would not be opposed to the occasional use when out with his friends or parties. To my surprise he quit smoking cigarettes and pot everyday. He never drank everyday anyway so no biggy. He still has an occasional puff of both. The cigarettes don't bug me because it is never around our son. The pot smoking is still an issue because his jobs can randomly drug test him. I told him if you lose your job over it I am gone. He knows the consaquences (?) of his actions and he has a choice. It's not that fact that he smokes pot that bothers me it;s that he would put our livelyhood in jeapordy should he lose his job as a result. So far he has chosen to not smoke pot but I wouldn't put it past him. It makes me feel better knowing that there will be no question if and when something happens.
Most importantly is that you need to be happy for your children. They can sense when things are not right and you are not happy with daddy.
My best advice would be to set bounderies that you know you can live with and live within them. If he doesn't fit inside them then you need to make some tuff decisions.

So sorry to hear this. I feel that you should both seek counceling. Good luck!

I am in a similar situation. My husband drinks alot. Pretty much everyday, though he would deny it. He, too says he can quit, and he did for 1 month once but I've decided that he really likes drinking. He grew up in a household that drank. I'm sure his parents drank everyday - a drink before dinner, wine with dinner, etc. Alcoholic? I don't know.

I have been to alanon and it did help me. I believe my husband and I have an unspoken truce. He drinks but he drinks later in the evening usually after the kids go to bed. I didn't want them to associate drinking with an "everyday" behavior. If he starts to be argumentative (which usually indicates that he is getting drunk) I stop talking to him. I will not engage in any kind of conversation with him when he's drunk.

This said, I think our relationship is mediocre, at best. He holds a job, interacts well with our kids and we are financially secure. The fact that he's uninterested in his health bothers me but I don't fret. And I try not to monitor his drinking (by checking the bottle). Being really focused on the drinking is nerve racking. However, it's a natural reaction to you feeling out of control. And the truth is you have no control over your husband or his drinking. Al-anon really helped me disconnect, even though I only attended a couple meetings. It helped to see "normal" people who were dealing with the same issue.

However, I understand the pot thing - being embarrassed. First, it's illegal and second, pot users don't have a good image in my mind. I would be more bothered if my husband was smoking pot. And it would be harder to ignore since it stinks. My husband drinks a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey each week and I think about the money he spends - what a waste. As I say, it's an uneasy truce.

Lastly, I am a stay at home mom and have been out of the workforce for 10 years. Recently I've decided to go back to school to be trained in a job that I think I'll really enjoy. This has really helped me feel more in control of my destiny if I get fed up with the drinking.

One thing that my husband will not do is drink and drive. If he's going to drink after work in SF he takes a taxi to the train and home again to avoid driving.

One time he called me from work and said that he wanted to stay after work and have a couple drinks (which usually means 4-5 drinks). His car was already at the train - could I go and pick it up and he could take a taxi home? It was the second time this request had been made in as many weeks and I refused. He whined about how he couldn't go out and not drink as it would seem rude. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I held firm. He didn't go out for a drink and was mad at me for 2 days. I just didn't care. So, yes, our relationship would be much better if he didn't have this monkey on his back.

Good-luck and know that you are not alone. Please contact me if you wish to talk further. M.

L.,
You need to realize two things...1.you don't have to get drunk regulary to be an alcoholic and 2. Any type of alcohol that can not be gone without for 24 hours there is a problem. My mom used to drink to deaden the emotional pain of her childhood, then later it was for her physical pain....they will always find a reason.
W. M

Hi L.,

Here's my two cents. In your post you are justifying that your husband is not a looser for smoking and drinking. I guess my question is do you feel like he is becuase of the smoking and drinking - it seems you are more worried about what other people will think than how to be happy with your situation.

1. He is not quitting now or ever - sorry he is just manipulating you with that statement of leave me alone and I might quit - he just doesn't want to hear you complain anymore.

2. If splitting is not an option then you basically have your answer - just accept it and do the best you can.

3. I grew up in a house where drinking and smoking pot was ok for my parents. Dad committed suicide and have not spoken to mom in over two years (none of the 3 kids do). Think about how your childeren are affected. I knew my parents were drinking and smopking at 6 years old - and we were upper middle class and it was recreational. It does not matter what your background is - this is not good for your kids.

Don't fool yourself thinking he is not an alcoholic or letting him think he is not. I was married to a beer drinker and he was and still is an alcoholic and we are no longer married for other reasons besides that.

I had heard the same thing if I leave it alone than maybe they will stop on their own.....ha!!!!!

If you already know leaving is not an option (and I always believe in trying to work things out), then you should just not bug him about it anymore so as to save arguments and get use to it. He may stop one day, but don't count on it anytime soon.

He is who he is. You knew this when you chose to marry him and have children with him.
Is he drinking to the point of staggering drunk every day of the week? Does he smoke pot every day? Again, ala-non is good choice. You have to take care of you and do what is best for your kids. Threatening him and begging and pleading and nagging is not ever going to work. Either make a plan and follow through or don't bring it up. Right now, it's just a point of contention and he isn't going to bend or listen.

let it go or leave him

i just hope your kids dont witness any of this

your husband has to stop when he is ready. If you nag him, he will never stop. They say pot is not addictive so I think he does it for other reasons. Its better than prescription pills. I have friends that smoke pot and I really thought they would have outgrown it by now, but they havent. All I can do is make sure it doesnt affect me or my children and discourage them from following their footsteps. If it really does disrupt your life by your hubby drinking and smoking, then maybe you both should go to therapy. But you will never be able to force him to quit. That might make him sneak behind your back to drink/smoke.

If YOU have a problem with it, it is a problem. It's scary when they are under the influence and what if there was an emergency and he had to drive? You should try to get him to go sit in on an AA meeting with you, just so he can hear the stories from others of how the "progressive" desease of "addiction" tore apart some lives.
You are feeling less valued by him as he has chosen to relax in this manner. You can't make him quit tho until he's ready. Know that you aren't alone tho, it's rampid across our country.

Hi L.,

You have no control over him. The only thing you can control is your responses and your choices. He might quit and he might never quit and nothing you do is going to make him change. Definitely I recommend going to alanon. It'll teach you how to detach with love. Good luck!!