How to Convice DH to Use Gentle Dicipline?

I just wanted to share something I read that has helped alot and it has great results.
The 5 critical needs that children have to being emotionally healthy are:
- to be respected
- to feel important
- to feel secure
- to be accepted
- to be included

Hope that helps.

Bite your baby??? Who does that??!!! It should just take common sense to realize that you don't bite your children. You tell your child biting is wrong and then you go and do it to him?? Babies do not have the intellect to realize that daddy is just demonstrating how much it hurts when he bites. All they hear is the mixed message you are sending on TOP of but not less important than- a FEAR OF DAD. Oh- and an eye for an eye also.
You are doing it exactly right. This is something you stand firm on-don't stand for his 'you do it your way' thing. And I hate to tell you-things are going to get SO much worse. Your DH needs to get his act together now and learn about disciplining children because in a year or so the real fun starts.

This is all, developmental based.
He is 1 years old.
They do this.

At this age and even at 3 & 4 years old, a child does NOT have fully developed "impulse control."
So, even if you tell him no, he will do it again.
In TIME... .when he is older, they will learn and have better control over their impulses.

Biting him back, will not work.

At this age also, they don't even have, fully developed emotions. It is still, developing. They don't even know how to say how they feel. You need to teach them that. They don't even know the vocabulary, for saying things articulately. You need to teach them that. Guide them.
You need to teach them 'how' to communicate, how to express themselves, how to tell "you" how they feel good or bad. So that, their Parent, becomes a place for them to learn... not just fear.

Some adults, don't even know how to handle their frustrations. They hit too. Or worse.
So, a child needs to be taught this. Coping-skills, expression of their feelings, and to 'trust' their parent that their parent will help them....

They grow out of this phase.
Or he may be teething.

This is all, developmental based.

Maybe get a book in age development. Because at each age, things comes up, and all kids do this.

ALSO important, is to keep parental 'expectations' of the child, age-appropriate. Don't expect, something that is older than him or his age. That will only lead to frustration, for both parent and child. Then frustration leads to other behavioral 'issues.'

This is only 1, of MANY phases of a child, developmentally.
Even the best most perfect child.... will err and do things like this.

At this age, redirection and distraction, is the best way to teach a child.
Not cave-man styles of discipline.

Keep in mind, that 'discipline' only works... IF a child is ALSO taught, the reasoning for things in life. Concepts. Per their age for understanding.

A child this age, does not have understanding of the world and reactions, succinctly nor of the innuendos or abstract feelings of themselves or other people.
They are learning.
He is so young... to be expected to act like a much older child.

Remember, this is normal stuff.
A child, will all their lives... make mistakes, do things out of frustration or out of tiredness etc. BUT, so, they need to be taught about concepts and behavior.... all their lives.
That is childhood.

When he gets older, other phases will come up. At 2 years old, 3 years old, 4 years old etc.

A good book series is: "Your One Year Old", "Your Two Year Old", "Your 3 Year Old" etc. From Amazon.
Each book, is for each age and describes what each age is like.
Although written years ago, it is still, spot on and applicable.
Children are children.

How a Child learns to cope and how to behave and how to handle themselves... is directly affected by, HOW their parent teaches that to them, or not. And not only by punishing or scolding.

As always, not even some adults were taught that as children. Then they grow up being an Adult, who STILL has these problems, and not knowing 'how' to handle their frustrations. Despite being punished for it as a child.

A child, NEEDS to learn... that they CAN express themselves to their parent. Too.

all the best,
Susan

Remind him back in the day, Parents did their best for that time. That included spanking swatting and hitting. It also included allowing children to ride in the front seat with no seat belts. It allowed people to bully other children (boys will be boys).

Now we know that we can raise well behaved children without getting pulled into their drama.

We are intelligent adults and allowing children to learn right and wrong with firm discipline will allow parents to feel more control and the child feel safe.

You are on the right track.. A 1 year old is exploring the world. He has teeth, he wants to bite everything, He also has a short attention span, so redirecting his attention works perfectly.

This is not to criticize the way our parents raised us, it is just that after many studies they have determined, spankings are not needed.
I remember when I was in college and studying child development they video taped parents spanking their children.. Then they showed these videos to the parents at another time. When the parents saw their babies being hit, they were horrified by the expressions of their children. They realized, that yes, there is an impact on the child. The hurt and frightened expressions were not waht the parents had recalled during the initial spankings.

Get him reading the same books, articles etc. that you are reading. I had to bring my husband along on some parenting things as well, the key is you need to be gentle on them too. Egos you know. Even so, my husband has his own style and I often bite my tongue. Hopefully your parenting styles are not worlds apart.

I'm updating my response because I kept thinking about your situation. I'm not familiar with the books you have been reading. But it sounds to me like they may be at one end of the parenting spectrum that some fine "permissive". Your husband may be old school and any parenting philosophies that come across to him as namby pamby he won't bother to listen to at all and will revert to instinct- and his instincts may be off. If you don't have any luck getting him to change with those books, might I suggest another book called "the strong willed child". While the parenting philosophy in this book does not oppose spanking, it encourages other means of discipline. It allows for "appropriate spanking" and I think your husband may deal better with logical peramiters for spanking rather than no spanking at all. Just a thought. If your son is less than 18 months old and God forbid less than 15 months old and he is spanking for behavior which is exploratory rather than defiant, he could really benefit from reading it. Again, if your husband just won't respond to the parenting style your
wanting, try this book.

http://faculty.rcc.edu/thompson/Marriage%20and%20Family/s...

the link will be effective enough rather than buying a whole book. At the end is a list of do's and don't's for appropriate spanking. I know your goal appears to be no spanking, so I am adding in case you guys need to find a livable compromise.

Maybe offer to compromise - get some articles as someone suggested to show your husband a 1 year old just doesn't understand. Tell him you'll consider "little swats" when your son is 2 or 3. I'm not anti-spanking and can't remember what age we did a little bit w/ my oldest but it certainly wasn't at 1 year. Maybe you can just agree to delay this approach and then deal with it again later if it comes up.

First, recognize that just because you have different ideas doesn't mean that you are right and he's wrong. You're the mother, he's the father. There is a reason God gave kids a mom and a dad.
Stop trying to convince him that's he's wrong. He wont take that well. Tell him what a good father you think he is and let him parent his son his way.

I'm with the hubs. This will stop the behavior quickly. It did with all of ours. But you're right, if two parents are inconsistent and disagreeing, it will defeat the purpose. Ask him if you guys can do it your way for x amount of time and if he's still biting or being aggressive, you can do it his way. You don't want this habit to go unchecked for too long. Nipping it will prevent tons of trouble later. If you really feel your way will work, then demand the window of time you feel it will take. All those books you mentioned are super nice to believe while reading, but if this is your first, you may be surprised at the results. As for totally disagreeing on parenting, you do want to get this resolved. Your DH's dad is a jerk, but not all spankers are jerks. My parents weren't jerks, and we never acted like kids do today on these books. As for the "just because you were raised that way doesn't mean it was OK" view, this doesn't go over well with those of us who were raised in a way that not only didn't hurt us, it made us well behaved happy people. It's not tempting to reinvent the wheel with these books when we've seen how kids who use them turn out. You don't have to be an extreme angry jerk who never says they love their child to be an effective disciplinarian, and believe me, you'd rather have a disciplinarian dad-if he's nice and loving, than a pushover one. Wait a year and see! I know some of those Happiest Kids on the Block, and it's not a block I would move to.
Sorry, but there are way more bullies now that toddlers get time outs for hitting biting and god knows what else. They grow into teens who never learned their aggressive actions were serious. Back when we road in the open back of pick up trucks on top of bails of hay with rusty barbed wire, and got swatted for being mean to other kids, bullies were only the abused and neglected kids. Now it's 50% of privileged kids. Spanking videos in college classes. Indeed.

In my experience, the only way to stop a biter IS to bite them back. Not hard so that you hurt them, but hard enough to let them know that it hurts and they are hurting whoever else they bite. You are also doing right (IMO) to tell him NO sternly and WHY. I'm a big advocate of telling kids WHY. I also will swat my kids on the butt if needed, nothing wrong with that, again, just my opinion. You guys need to just get on the same page otherwise you will cancel each other out.