How to Control Anger - Chicago,IL

At those ages I would wait to take my shower until they are asleep or hubby is home. They are pretty young and you really cannot count on a 3.5 year old to understand babysitting even for a few minutes. So much can happen in just an instance, and you don't want to chance it. You are stressed out and I see your husband is not so good at helping out with the kids. NOT acceptable. You have a full time job too! You really need to talk to him and tell him what you need and when you need it for your sanity's sake. Lay it all out clearly of what he can do and when so that you get time you need. He is just as responsible as you for the children and the household. You deserve a break and he needs to step up and help.

2 moms found this helpful

After time out, it seems that the older one is old enough to help you put away the clothes. It may not have been exactly like you would have done it, but it would have shown the consequences for his actions.

As for not getting mad, I think that we all have our moments when we get mad. I know I do. I also feel bad. Getting mad is not a bad thing. It is what you do while you are mad than can be a problem. Did you beat your children or call them names? If your answer is no, then some anger is ok. You feel bad because you love them and don't enjoy getting mad. By not remaining in time-out, your child was defying you and that is not acceptable. He is testing his limits which is normal at this age. Getting angry about it is also normal. Every parent of a toddler of age 2-5 goes through this. I have my moments that I feel that I went over the top too. I think that we all do. Time out for them is also a time out for me. It gives me a moment to calm down. If he gets up, keep putting him in his time out spot. He has to sit there for his 3 minutes even if it takes 30 minutes for him to do it. If you let him get away with getting up, he will continue to do it. It sounds as if you finished the situation in a good, positive way. Showing and telling that even when you get mad, you still love your babies is good. I want to read any other responses that you get to see what other moms do too. Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

I completely understand your frustration with anger. We are human after all! I am a SAHM who also encounters those days where you are not so thrilled to have kids. As you mentioned about the lack of help in your bio, my husband travels almost every week, including overseas. I have no family from either side anywhere near me. I am running solo for most of the week (and my husband wants another kid - ha!) anywho, when I have my moments I put my youngest in the crib with a book or small toy and my oldest in her room with the door closed. I tell them Mommy needs a break and I set a timer for 10 minutes and go to my room and lay down on my bed. I tried to breathe deeply and relax my body as I usually tense up. I will admit that this helps but I sometimes have some residual anger that I need to keep in check. As far as the mess that might come with your older child, I would leave that for another day and maybe when you do get the chance to pick up the clothes you can have your almost four year old help and explain to him then that this is not acceptable. Messes will always be there so get your mind in the right state and then worry about the rest. Good Luck.

I think www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com may give an interesting perspective. I know much of it seems to be focused on sahm's, but just check it out for a new parenting perspective. (ie: dealing with the little things early and not getting to the breaking point.)

It sounds to me like you are expecting too much from the boys. They are so little. I can't trust my 7 year old to watch her brother (5) and sister (1) for even 2 minutes. i know its hard to control your anger. I think most moms have that problem. Our kids frustrate us. What I try to do, is put muself in their position. I remember what it was like being little and my mom expected way too much out of me.

I don't have an answer to you other than you are not alone. I have a 3 yr old, a 2 yr old and a 7mo old. The 2 year old has been AWFUL for the last 3 months. It seems I am now constantly on the brink of boiling over so it hardly takes anything to set me off. I feel terrible after I've blown. I am realizing that my attitude is a big part of setting the tone in the house. It doesn't help that I have been on the edge most days - I think that is adding to the problem. I'm just not sure how to reset my own behavior. I'm sorry I don't have ideas for you - just wanted you to know what you are going through is normal ...

I'm surprised that you have so few responses! I know only one mom who hasn't screamed at her kids, and I just think that she is being dishonest. hahaha

I agree wholeheartedly with Lili. Managing my own stress is key. I am always the wild card in the situation... my son is predictably unpredictable.

Good luck!

Be in tune with your "cycle" as I've noticed with myself that about 12 days before that time of the month, I am less patient with my kids. I notice I'm more clumsy also and get annoyed and impatient with pans not fitting in the cabinet, for instance. Things that I might normally blow off, I respond to with an angry tone of voice. Just the awareness alone has made a big difference with me. I'll catch the impatience building up now before it goes too far. I know you feel terrible. You're not alone and there is hope for improvement.
C.

I found temper management is more about managing my own stress levels. Learning to recognize when I was near becoming overwhelmed helped me use some tools like conscious breathing and energy tapping to calm myself.
When you do lose your temper & act ways you regret, apologize sincerely. You will be modeling one of the most important life lessons for them.

Try sitting with him and watching him clean up the mess he has made. Have him put the clothes back in the drawers with you. This way, he will see that cleaning UP the mess is NOT fun, and if he makes the mess, he will have to clean it.

He will fight you over it and wont want to do it, but stick to your guns and if he asks for your help, then show him how to fold and put it back in the drawer. DONT get on to him if its not perfect, compliment him on doing a great job cleaning it up.

And i see some moms say that your kids are too young to be unsupervised, but i think it depends on the maturity of the child. I have a 4 yr old and a 1.5 yr old and my older one CAN watch the little brother for 5 minutes while i shower.

My only advice is give them an activity to do together while you take your "break". Like get a big bag of MegaBlocks (legos) out for them to build and tear down. This way its a mess that they can make, and its one that you can deal with.

After he cleans with you, talk to him about why you were upset and ask him if making a mess is worth it when hes going to have to clean it up....it make take a few times, but he is old enogh to know that when he makes a mess, he will have to clean it up.

All moms lose their tempers...kids are defiant and its a struggle, so dont beat yourself up over it!

Stop beating yourself up. Everyone loses their temper...honestly those Mom's that don't are kinda creepy--like Stepford Wife Moms. First off, revise the situation. I agree that your little ones are too little to be unsupervised even for 5 minutes. Heck, my 8 and 6 year olds can still get into major trouble in 5-10 minutes. I caught one chasing the other with a hammer and I was sitting right there. (no worries--she "wasn't really gonna hit her with it Mommy") Besides that, I had a mantra I repeated in my head when the kids were little: He's only 3, He's only 3. It reminded me that the kid is a kid. Beyond that, a deep breath and a reminder that if you do freak it's no big deal...seriously there won't be lasting scars.

I feel for you--I've been there and struggle sometimes, too. When I was a nanny, the little girls would constantly rip their clothes out of their dressers the minute they knew I was out of the room! Who knows why?! My daughter is almost 2 and she is recently doing it, too. They make drawer catches you can attach to that only adults can get into the drawers. They sell them in the safety-proofing area of kid stores.
However, you set yourself up for failure on this one. There is no way a 3.5 y/o is going to be able to keep the attention of a 1.5 y/o for seven minutes. That's like 2 years in toddler time! The expectation was unrealistic even if they are able to self-entertain for 10 min at a time sometimes. You need to prepare yourself going into the situation that there is quite possibly going to be a huge mess when you get out. That way you aren't as seething mad when you see it and are better able to deal with it.
Just realizing and telling yourself this in advance is a surprisingly effective way to keep from getting nearly as mad as you would have I have found. When you don't expect something it is much more jarring. So be realistic in your expectations with them and know they are gonna rile you in advance. Then you'll be much more clear headed and able to deal with it calmly.
I know it seems unfair sometimes that you cannot take a shower w/o expecting chaos but at those ages, unfortunately, it's bound to happen. Perhaps you can put them in a play yard together for those times while you need to shower and then keep the play yard folded up to the side the rest of the time.
I have a reminder note on my computer desk top that I read a few times a week. It is something I read in a book and found useful for when I wanna explode bc she is having a tantrum: "Your child is already frightened by being out of control. The last thing she needs is to feel that you're not in control either."
I've had to teach myself anger control bc my parents were very angry. I applaud you for being aware and trying so hard. We don't want to instill in and pass down our anger to them. Good Luck!

Great question. I think you did a great job!! I am experiencing the same thing with my 2 1/2 yr old daughter. She has taken to writing on walls when I am cooking or busy doing anything other than eyes on her. It is making me nuts. I LOST IT and it was all I could do not to hurt her I was so angry. Mostly because I know she knows what she is doing is wrong. It is a test to see what your limits are, if you will still love them no matter what, and how to react to thing themselves. How to respond when you are upset. Talking when you are calm is key and knowing you are not alone and are doing the best you can it important for you!! Good luck. This is a tough time, mine are close together also and so they feed off each other sometimes.

Only 1 or 2 responses out of 10 say anything about your husband not being involved. What is it with men in this day and age not wanting to help with the kids? Was his mom a housewife, and does he not realize that you are not? And why do women let men act that way? No wonder we are so stressed out - it's impossible for anyone to do all that, even women, who we all know are stronger than men, because we pretty much have to be, right?
As for the anger, yep, I agree, you need to put the kids where you know they are safe (their rooms), step away, and take a moment.