How to Backtrack? Oops, Forgot to Discipline!!

C.,

One of my favorite phrases when talking with parents:

You can't punish a kid into being good.

Tough one, kids. You have a ton of issues here, and I'm not going to knock you for it. We all get started down a wrong track at one time or another. Instead, considering what's happening, I'm giving you a book title: "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline That Works at Home and at School" by JoAnn Nordling. Go and buy this book. Here's a link to the book on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Caring-Discipline-Sch...

I've met JoAnn-- she's a lovely woman who co-founded the Parent Support Center in Tualatin, OR. Her book is written for situations exactly like yours: parents who find themselves trying to figure out how to best address their child's undesired behaviors. This book focuses on identifying three main categories of behavior (positive, negative and neutral), using observation to problem-solve what sort of negative behavior you are seeing, and also teaches us how to provide loving, empathetic positive messages; this is key to balancing out all the negative messages that get thrown their way and continue to perpetuate the cycle.

In my years of working with children, I have learned that we can punish/threaten in the moment, and it might even change what's happening within THAT moment, but unless we have better ways of teaching our children that we are in charge, the remedy is short-lived. This book focuses on natural consequences. For example, if my son were poking my face while I was lying down with him, I'd leave him to fall asleep alone. The first time it happened. This isn't to knock anyone posting here, but I think your challenge in turning around the relationship with your son is so deeply rooted that reading a book which breaks it all down (and is easy to swallow-- there's a lot of respect for parent and child without being touchy-feely) is essential; a forum simply won't do it justice. Otherwise, if you continue to just punish without looking deeper at the whole family dynamic, you will continue down the road you're on.

Keep at it, though, and get the book. It *does* get better.

H.

9 moms found this helpful

If the methods that you have been using for 4 years to correct your child are not working, I would say that it is time to look for some new methods!! I for one have never seen the use of a "time out"...stop and think about it logically.
Do you really TRULY think that while your 4 year old is sitting in "time out" that he is pondering the error of his ways and trying to decide how he can correct his behavior to become a more kind and loving child? NO WAY!! He is boiling mad ( hence the Pooty Booty Head) and YOU are the target of his wrath!!
I think you need to do some research and come up with what is going to work for you and your family. My daughter has used several books that she has molded to fit her family...and I must say, although I felt like her methods were a little "Unconventional" when I first learned about them...her 3 year old boy is a great little person...kind ( for the most part) sensitive, concerned about other peoples feelings, and yet he is sure enough of himself to speak up and let his feelings be known in a usually very grown up and calm way. I Know that one of the books she has used is called Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. I have seen her put the lessons from that book to use with our grandson with great results! She also reads and utilizes a lot of what Dr. Jim Sears ( DrSears.com is the website I believe) has written.
The main thing that I can tell you that I have learned from watching her with our grandson is that you must treat a child with respect if you want them to treat you with respect. She acknowledges his feelings, whether they are positive or negative. ("Yes K. I understand that you would like to play with your blocks right now but we need to start getting ready to go to the store, how about you play with the blocks when we get home?" or "OH K!!! I know you are so happy about the way you wrote your numbers...that is so exciting!!").
I think that you are describing with the situation where you were trying to get him to sleep, or when he jumped from the chair onto you on the sofa is simply a case of him being a typical 4 year old boy!!! Of course he is going to try and prolong going to sleep...sleep is so BORING!! Do you have a bedtime routine? It sounds to me like he is just wanting to spend some more time with Mom and Dad before he goes to bed. Let him pick out a couple of books to read before sleep time....help him decide which of his stuffed animals is going to sleep with him tonight...let him wind down naturally and enjoy the quiet time with you.
When he jumped on you...you might have responded with something like "OH Honey, I understand that you are just playing but that really didn't feel very good to Momma...could we find another way to play together?" To me...that incident did not deserve a "time out" or any form of punishment...he was just being a little boy. He doesn't THINK like an adult...he didn't realize that he was going to hurt you by jumping onto the sofa like that...he was simply playing and being exuberant. Don't stifle that...just redirect it...into something that is more enjoyable for both of you.
Come up with some fun things to do together...enjoy each other...relax...this time in your lives will be gone before you know it...he is only young once!!!

5 moms found this helpful

HI C.,

What a little stinker! First of all your post title made me laugh and secondly, I love that you are owning the part you have played in how he's acting. I'm not saying that to be condescending, it just seems as though I read so often that people are like..." my kid is misbehaving and I have no IDEA why??!!"

Age four is a hard age for boys AND girls. I think it's just about the biggest sass making time.( But I don't have teenagers yet.) Both of my kids (5 &7) were the hardest to deal with at 4. For me it was a critical time to teach and reinforce boundaries and respect, choices and consequences.

From what you've described it sounds like you absolutely need to react to some things. Ignoring bad behavior isn't always effective in making it go away. Sometimes that translates to allowing it and not setting appropriate boundaries. At a time when you are not frustrated with him, I would lay down some simple new rules. Rules like, he gets a warning and then he's in time out or some other consequence. I am not a big time-out person. I rarely use them... but at this age with my son, we went through a period where we used them pretty often on certain days. It didn't take long when being consistent for him to realize his behavior wasn't ok and he was making his own bad choices.

In your example of bedtime and him touching your face... I would not stay in there if he were doing this. I'm not sure why you're laying down with him (not that there's anything wrong with it, I just don't know the situation...?) but when he starts with the finger on your face and the breathing, I would (gently) hold his finger as you look at him and say, "Billy, I don't like when you touch my face like that. lay quietly with me or I am leaving the room." The next time he does it, get up and walk out. When he cries and has a fit, you calmly tell him that you gave a warning and he chose not to listen.

The jumping on you thing...? Oh no. There would have been no "please get off of me" from me. He would have been calmly picked up and taken right to his bedroom. I don't typically isolate like that, but that one is over the top.

Time outs work when you can be calm as a parent and stop the behavior right then. You put them in the chair, and say..." you are in a time out for xyz, if you get up before time is up the time out will begin again." Then you ignore unless they are out of the chair (in which case you place them back in the chair and restart the timer). After the time is up, you repeat why they were in time out, have them give and apology, give hugs and move on.

I think your son is crying out for attention and you're giving it to him in a negative way. I LOVE the book Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. Again age 4 is really hard... but work hard now and it will pay off later. And by all means get a handle on it before you have another child.

Best of luck to you Mama!!!

4 moms found this helpful

Consistency! When you put him in time out, do you ignore him? Put him in the time out chair, tell him why he's there, then turn on the timer and walk away. 1 minute per year. When time is up, recap why he was there. Every time he does something naughty, he needs the same punishment. We do time out everywhere - in the store, restaurant, church - everywhere! Taking toys away has never worked for us, and I try to keep the punishment matching the crime! As for him antagonizing you when you lay down with him, this is what works for me: IF I lay down with ds, I tell him it's for 2 minutes, and only with good behavior. He gets one warning, and if he offends again, I'm all done laying with him. He will scream, he will cry, he'll get really really mad, but then he will fall asleep, and you can start fresh tomorrow. No one "likes" to punish their kid, but that's our job as parents. By giving him boundaries and structure, you're giving him a better life. Best of luck!

3 moms found this helpful

Girl, I was miserable just reading your post! I can't imagine what you are going through. Well, mabey I can imagine it......my nephew is the most undisciplined child alive. I should send you a video and you will feel better about yourself. :)

Seriously, it's never too late. You are the gem of a parent who SEES that their child is undisciplined and wants to change that! Some never get to that point.

When you lay down by him and he antagonizes you, tell him to stop (we both know he won't, but say it anyway) and when he does it again, calmly say "I won't lay down with you and let you do that to me", and get up and walk out. He is doing that because he KNOWS he will get a reaction. When you don't give him one, it will stop, but you have to be consistent.

The laughing thing would drive me insane. My heart goes out to you! I just want to encourage you, it will take time, you will have to discipline for EVERY offense and you will want to cry, give up, snatch yourself bald and move to Bora Bora by yourself, but if you stick with it - your son's respect for you will grow. He wants you to give him boundaries. That's why he's pushing.

I love the book, "The New Dare to Discipline" by James Dobson. He talks about all the personality styles and why kids react certain ways.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I can't give you any advise as I am in the same position with my 4 year old as you are with yours. Just wantedto let you know I know how you feel.

2 moms found this helpful

Our son has always been one to test the limits too. He also used to not be phased by time outs and taking away most toys at that age. Just keep being consistent. I think besides ignoring him at times (you can do it!!!), that a time out room or chair would work. Somewhere away from everyone where he has to sit for 4 minutes. We found with our son that what really really motivates him is to take away what he loves most. This changes with time. We will tell him if you do x again then you will not get y for the rest of the day (or the next day). Or I am going to count to 3 and if you do not do x then y gets taken away. When he was 4 this was his favorite toy, the power tour guitar. Then when he was 5 it was biking/scootering privileges (he was obsessed). Now at 6 it means taking away video game time or a trip to the skate park or a playdate. Video games are a HUGE motivator for our son! Is there something your son absolutely loves to do more than anything? Anyway, at first it meant huge temper tantrums when we would take away y but now he knows we mean it and he will do what we ask. Also...after each time he was punished we would talk about why and what he could have done differently. We did this after he calmed down - 30m to and hour later - and then we would give him a hug. If he was really bad he also had to apologize. Things got better as he got older and it will for you too. Just be consistent! PS -- we consider being rude, speaking rudely, etc to be a major offense so our son goes to his room for 5 minutes if he does that. This seems to be working as well. PPS - as for poking you in the face or some other annoying behavior, I would definitely give him the count of 3 to stop that and if he did not then I would take away his favorite thing/activity. Good luck finding what motivates him.

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Sounds like he is thriving for the wrong kind of attention! If he goes to daycare maby he feel like he's not getting enough of one one one attention with you guys & wants more attention but is trying to get it in the wrong way? Maby try giving him more positive attention, like playing board games or simple card games, or going on family walks & talk.

As for the discipline methods we have 6 different kids with 6 HUGE personality's, each one responds to differing discipline. My 5 year old doesn't respond well to time outs he does well with the marble jar & sticker charts & privileges taken away. All the kids do well with the marble jar. For instance if my 5 year old were doing what your son was doing (that breathing/finger thing in the bed) & I asked him t ostop but he says it wasn't me or kept doing it laughing, I would say OK you just lost a marble, go pull a marble out of the marble jar. If he refuses, I do it. If I would ask him to stop the annoying behavior & he says OK mommy or just stops it w/o me yelling or asking again then I would say thank you for stopping the first time I asked you! I think we should go put a marble in your jar for listening! When marble jar is filled up (8 marbles full, 5 marbles for my 3 yo) He gets to take a toy out of the grab bag (Grocery bag full of 99 cent store toys used just for the marble jar) Or he gets a piece of candy, his choice most of the time unless it's like 8 am.

You can try not just taking away toys or time out, but simply taking away privileges. This works great with my 5 yo. Like no bed time story tonight, or no TV/movie/game time for the rest of the day, you can go read a book or color instead. Or No dessert tonight. Then eat ice cream or whatever in front of him & when/if he asks for some remind him why he doesn't get any. I love that one, it works especially well with my 2 year old ice cream nut!

Maby when you're lying with your son in bed & he's deliberately annoying you, get up right away & say OK I'm done I'm not laying with you when you act like that, then walk out of his room & don't go back. He gets another chance tomorrow night. Next time if he jumps off the couch arm & onto you (Or stands up on the couch period) Immediatly take him to time out, no ifs ands or buts. Get up grab his hand in a stern but not hurtful way & lead him to time out. If he cries or throws himself to the ground pick him up & place him in time out. Don't say a word to him till you get to time out & quickly explain (not a long lecture) why he's in time out & say now you can sit here for 5 Min. (Or however long) Don't know where your guys time out is, but we never use the bedrooms or toy rooms, we use the naughty step or dining room in our house. You can't see the TV, no toys around, it's boring, removed form where the other kids are, it's everything time out should be! LoL

Sometimes a good talk helps, sit him down when he's not in trouble, just randomly hey mommy & Daddy want to talk to you about something K? Talk to him about his behavior & how that makes mommy & daddy feel, how it is Not OK to jump off the couch or onto mommy, & ask him for an example of some other things that are bad or not OK to do, then ask him what are some good nice things we can do instead. Seems to work with my extremely stubborn 3 year old. LoL

Lets see, another one that works is re-directing the behavior, like instead of doing this lets do this. When my kids start buggin each other or throwing hissy fits, or doing front flips off of the counter onto the couch (EEK) that's when I bust out the things that are OK to be doing right now instead of what you are doing. Extra special things that I keep hidden just for those moments. Like a mini trampoline, play doh, the twister game, UNO card game (gets my 3 year old to practice her colors & she doesn't even know it hehe) Or I turn off the TV & turn on the music & tell everyone to jump & spin & dance & act silly to get the energy out. Just things that make them work with their mind or body's..

Oh man we have so many different techniques in our house, I could go on & on but I'll end it here so you don't get bored. LoL I hope something starts working soon! Don't get too stressed over it tho, he'll get over it eventually if you don't give in. Stress is not a good way to get pregnant or good for the baby if you are pregnant! Congrats & best wishes with that too! :)

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I don't mean this to be obnoxious, but if you're getting antagonized like a little brother, it's because you don't realize that you're in change. You are not equals. You can't get in trouble for your behavior and he can. You _always_ get the last word.

My son is pretty rough and tumble. So if he jumped on me or was poking me when I put him to bed, this is how I'd handle it:
1. "Please stop, that hurts my body."
2. "I asked you nicely to stop, if you don't stop, I'm getting up."
3. Get up.

Then there isn't a punishment that we have to fight over, but I've demonstrated that I'm in charge of the situation.

If I put my kid in time out and he called me names, this is what I would do
1. "That just earned you an extra minute."
2. "If you keep this up, I'm going to put you in time out with the door closed."
3. I would put him in his room and close the door and hold it closed if I had to.
4. Before he could come out he would have to a) apologize nicely, and b) I would explain that it hurts people's feelings when they call names, and I don't do it to him, so he doesn't get to do it to me. The end.

I guess the long and short of it is that there have to be punishments for really bad behaviors, but he needs to learn that there are consequences for all behavior. So, for example, right now, my 3 year old is going through a big "I don't like you" phase. I could stick him in time out every time he said that (because it's mean and rude) but that would just escalate the battle. Instead I say calmly "That's not very nice. I like you. But I don't like getting dessert (or whatever) for people who are mean to me. I guess you just won't get that then." I almost always get "Sorry. I like you."

Remember, you rule the roost. Nothing you do (save hitting him) will damage him. At least not as much as having no discipline at all. Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Kids are so pliable and adaptable, I don't think it's EVER too late to lay down the rules. You just have to be CONSISTENT.
Having witnessed a close friend rebound from this, let me ask you a question: HOW are you laying down the law?
Go to the mirror, talk to the mirror the same way you talk to your son. Are you intimidated? I'm not saying that you should yell, but be kinda scary. Role play with your husband and give feedback. Tone is everything. My mom could silence me with an eyebrow raise and she never spanked me.
Then, you have to be consistent. I KNOW how hard this is. Sometimes you let stuff slide because you're busy and you think "I have to pick my battles." But it seems to me that your battle-picking days are over. NOTHING can slide.
When you lay down with him in bed and he deliberately antagonizes you, get up and leave! It seems like maybe you're giving him the audience he wants - he can't spit on you if you're not there to be spit on. Isolation works wonders for kids at this age.
Hope this all helps! Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

We've had success being consistent with ours. However, that worked much better with the eldest. Even the threat of punishment helps curb the behavior. With our youngest, we've found that in addition to consistency with discipline, we have to really praise things we are proud of. It is still a daily war, but I feel like we are winning more battles and, more importantly, setting them up with social skills so that other people enjoy being around them. Good luck to you. I think this is a VERY challenging age!!!!!

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Oh, boy, I am so sorry! You sound fairly stressed out.

Well, you can't go back. So lesson number one for baby number two, right? :) But I think you can turn it all around...it will just take patience and effort, and determination.

First, a 3-4 minute time out for a 4 year old is NOT long enough...their attention spans are longer than that, and he's not responding to it because he knows that 'hey, in three minutes I'm outta here!' Honestly, I would try 15 or 20 minutes...maybe even 30. That may seem harsh...but honestly, sometimes, punishment has to be that...punishment.

I don't go for all this "cutesy" punishment...you have to make it for real, and he will take you seriously.

I also know that if you get down on his level, and tell him that you are so disappointed that he would act that way to you, etc etc...and really, don't smile, don't laugh, don't crack at all...be serious. You can't let him make a game of it.

Also, taking away a toy for a day isn't punishment either. He'll play with something else, and tomorrow he'll get his toy back. The more you do these easy kinds of things, the more he will understand how they work.

If you want to take a toy away, do just that...pick one, tell him why you are taking it away, and do not tell him he can have it back. Just take it. Make him earn it back by going two days without ANY bad behavior. If the next day is bad, take another toy, and then he has to go THREE days to get them both back...etc. Explain it to him...he's smart, he'll get it. Just explain that naughty children do not get rewards...they get punished.

You really have to put your foot down. You just don't take it...and you let him know you aren't going to take it. You have to be firm, and not give in.

Best of all to you...you can do it. You will probably feel like crying and you'll feel so mean, but it will work and he will love you for it and all of a sudden one day (soon) you'll have a little lovey again.

1 mom found this helpful

Its ok! He is not broken for life. Get the book, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline and read it and take notes on it. I identified situations which happened frequently and which I was always at a loss for, and wrote a little script for what to say, and had a plan for what to say/do. I rehearsed them in my head while driving (I know, I'm a geek). Then, when my son started acting crazy, I had a plan that I could implement. He is two and a half and his behavior has gotten much better - I've been doing this now with him for about 10 months.
The finger on face situation: While getting into pjs, Tell him firmly/ matter of factly "I dont like it when you touch me with your finger. I dont like when you lie and say you are not doing it. I know you are just trying to play with mommy, but that is not how I like to play at night. If you poke me, I will get up and leave and you will go to bed by yourself." When you get in bed, and he touches your face, say," I told you not to do that. I am leaving. Close your eyes and lay still and you will go to sleep." If he gets mad and runs and kicks and hits, just keep putting him back in his bed without speaking. Eventually he will give up.

The hitting and kicking and name calling: When he is calm - maybe later in teh day after he kicked or hit, say "If you kick or hit, you will go to time out. Kicking and hitting hurts. If you do not stay in timeout, I will take one of your toys away." And then ask, "Can you kick or hit me? What happens if you do?" THe next time he kicks or hits, say "Dont kick me. I dont like it. You are going to time out because you kicked." When he is in timeout, do NOT talk to him. When the timer goes off, if he sat in time out, he gets out, apologizes and gets a hug. If he did NOT stay in time out, tell him he gets another minute and if he does not sit, he will get a toy taken away. If he doesnt sit, pick a FAVORITE toy and stick it up somewhere high where he can see it but cant get it. Give it back to him the next day.

With these things, dont be angry and punitive, be matter of fact. Its a cause and effect situation. Sympathize with him if he is sad, mad and cries, but be consistent and dont give in (ie - let him out of time out, give the toy back, get back in bed).

The becky bailey books is really good and really helped me alot, and also, planning ahead for the situation really helped me alot.

You can do it!

1 mom found this helpful

i understand how you feel.. calling you booty head means nothing to him.. he hears this and say it thinking that it is okay for him to use this term..

you cannot control his behavior overnight.. you can talk to him but only to his level of understanding..

Don't know what you do when you wait this late to teach them to respect you.
You can start from square one. Let him know you wont tolerate disrespect and NO means NO, and then follow thru with punishment that works on him. I started dicipline at a very young age so I never went through that stuff, mine knew better.
Do what you gotta do to get his attention and stick with it. Other than that let him be silly and deal with it as silliness if you want to.... just dont let it get out of control. If they dont listen to you they wont listen to any other adults either... and you dont want that to happen when he starts school.

my advice, basically, is to pick a behavior or 2 that are most important to you, decide on a reward and a consequence (negative).. and you have to be consistent, so dont pick anything you cant or wont do or not do. a reward should be whatever he loves. and the consequence something he hates (not fears). i know it sounds obvious, but i just hear so many people saying i do this or that and he/she doesnt care. then what you are doing has no point. my son is miserable if i take away anything of his, my daughter could care less about any of her stuff. just saying, they are all different. one thing i find pretty universal is attention. a date with me or hubby is the ultimate reward. but thats also harder for a 3 year old because it can be really hard to do on the spot, which is the only time a good or bad consequence really counts, especially for little ones who arent really good at time or waiting or remembering. hes just a little too young for a chart. i think so, anyway. my youngest is 3.5 and i am working on similar stuff with him. he earns "peanuts" in his jar like the other 2 kids, but for him, putting in the peanuts is the actual reward, he doesnt quite have the concept that he is working towards a prize. he is just as excited to take them out! so i dont use that for him, except for once in a while if i want the other 2 kids to hear for whatever reason, just so they feel its fair. anyway, for your son who really seems to be seeking some attention, maybe immediately sitting down with a book or dramatically dropping everything and having a dance party in the kitchen or something. i dont know, depends on him. and i sure as anything would have walked out of the room with that face poking thing. but the key is being immediate and consistent, every.... single..... time. it can be exhausting, but start with the behaviors you want to work on most, just one or 2 at a time. ..... oh, and something else.... you def seem motivated, which is great. you should know what i have learned the hard way... the first kid is so important in terms of behavior and discipline.... when you have another kid or kids, guess who they will take their cues from?? even if you figure it out by the 2nd, the first one is spoiled and it trickles down! i wish i had made the move sooner, my oldest is 7 now and its really not easy trying to fix what i did. i hope you stick to it, and quickly. . best of luck to you

We used to use the time out chair as well. But we called it the "thinking chair." My daughter was taken to the thinking chair to think about what she did and what she should have done. At the end of the designated time I would get down on her level and ask her "do you know why you are in the thinking chair?" "What should you have done to instead of ____?" I really talked with her on her level and made her understand she is making a choice to misbehave. Everyone has a choice to make and all choices have consequences. If you behave properly you are rewarded with good attention and we have more time to spend together. If you choose to misbehave then you are giving up that time with Mommy and are isolated in the thinking chair. Consistency is key and make sure he gets absolutely no attention while in the chair. As she grew the thinking chair was no longer effective because she was still in the room with us and still felt apart of things. Her dr recommended we move thinking time to her room and make her sit on her bed. Of course her room is baby proofed and safe for her to be unattended. She is now four and hates being left out of anything so being sent to her room is a huge deal for her. In fact we take it a step farther when she is sent to her room. Hubby and I will purposefully hold a tea party, or dance party or whatever and make sure she can hear us having fun without her. We also make it a point to discuss with her at the end of the designated time out that she too could have been having a dance party or tea party had she not chosen to misbehave. She will ask to do whatever we were doing now and we tell her "no, the dance party is over, sorry you were not able to attend this time but we will have another one tomorrow so hopefully you'll do better and be able to join us." And then the next day we will have a dance or tea party with her. We NEVER label her as being good or being bad. I think if you tell a child they are "bad" they will live up to that expectation. We reward her with good attention for behaving and do NOT engage her when she is misbehaving. All tantrums are handled by going to your room and sitting by yourself. We will not allow your choices to effect our day. Now we are at the point that we allow her one chance for a "do over." When she's acting up I tell her this is your choice you can either go sit on your bed and have a tantrum by yourself or you can think about a better way to express yourself and I will give you 1 chance to handle yourself better. I've coined the phrase "do over." 9 out of 10 times she chooses to do over and make a better choice so as to enjoy our day. It's a lot less stressful on us and I'm not yelling or playing into that behavior. A valuable lesson her DR told us when she hit the terrible two's. Just put her in a safe area, like her bedroom and walk away. Do not engage or enable the behavior at all. That only encourages them to do it more. If they see you are not engaging they will stop. As far as laying down with him, I'd give him one warning and then that's it I'm up and out of here. Should he choose to behave the next night he will be rewarded with mommy and me snuggle time. If he chooses to misbehave then he looses mommy and me snuggle time. Again it his CHOICE. He has to learn that he is choosing his own outcome. We at one point tried the one toy removal method but honestly that just doesn't work for us. Our daughter would just play with something else and no big deal to her. However when she was being particularly unruly I did remove EVERY toy but her bun bun which she sleeps with. She had no toys at all for several days. Just coloring books and reading books. At the end of the punishment she was allowed to earn back one toy each day as a reward for behaving properly. I let her pick out the toy each day. I think it was a great teaching moment for her and we constantly remind her that we all have a responsibility to ourselves, our family and our community to treat others as we'd want to be treated. She knows we all have jobs to do to keep our house and family running smoothly. Her job is to clean up her toys and follow the rules. As a side note here I also use the pickup fairy to encourage her to clean up after her self. I've been telling her since she was 2 that if a child does not clean up their toys and show appreciation for what she has been given then the "Pickup Fairy" would come in after she is asleep and take the toys left on the floor to children who WOULD appreciate and take proper care of them. She is not given the choice of what to pickup, everything gets picked up or everything goes. In the beginning she refused to pick up her toys one night. I called the "pickup fairy" (my sister) in front of her and gave the pickup fairy permission to come in tonight and take away all her toys. Then we went up to brush our teeth and did our normal bedtime routine. She wasn't in bed 3 minutes before she came running back downstairs in a panic..."Mommy, Daddy, I don't want the pickup fairy to take my toys can I clean them up now?" Of course we said yes and within five minutes she was done. We called the pickup fairy back and told her "nevermind, Madison has chosen to pickup all of her toys." Then off to bed she went. I'm not saying she is a stepford child by any means...somedays I could just pull my hair out but for the most part she knows the rules and knows the consequence for breaking them. Good Luck and God Bless.

I HIGHLY recommend "Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp!!! this has turned our home around.......and defined obedience to us very specifically!!!