How Should I Explain Death to My Son....

Maria Shriver wrote a great childrens book, can't think of the name of it right now, but it is nice read for young kids kids going through death.

Katie Curic is doing a special on this this week about how kids mourn. There was a segment on it on CBS Sunday Morning, and they said that kids NEED to hear, "Papa is dead." That trying to use the vague, nice sounding terms can really confuse them. Finality is very difficult for them. Also, it is very normal for them to have "dreams" or make comments about the person that is dead. Katie's kids were 4 and 2, I think, and a year later, the youngest woke up and said that daddy flew in the window and said he was proud of her. It was her effort to have memories of him.

I am no expert on this, but if you say Papa went away, and Daddy is away, can you really expect a 3 year old to grasp the difference?

Good luck.

first off- I am Very Sorry for your loss.. I lost my mom (50years young) to brain cancer on Oct. 1st 2009 and I am devastated..
I am having the same issues with my children.. at first I told them that she is in Heaven but I did not take them to the Wake nor the burial.. but then my grandfather died and I had to travel to his services.. My Dad took my kids with him to the Cemetary and explained that her body was buried there but her soul was in heaven- TMI- the kids were a bit freaked about that and I kinda lied and told them that no- her body and souul are all in Heaven~ that we just go to the Cemetary to have one spot where everyone can go and talk or cry..
Lately.. we talk more and more about her-- i think Kids ask questions and you go with the flow. I told them that she was very sick with Cancer and God felt that she should go to Heaven and be healed- that she would no longer be sick because it was her time to live with God - and be an Angel watching over us. My kids (4 and 5) also question why she cant come down or go visit.. Honestly I tell them because she has to live in Heaven until we are very old and go live there too-- so they question my mom's age because she wasn't "old and gray".. so it continues.. I try to answer as best as I can without confusing them or depressing them or freaking them out.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be of more help- but know that you are not alone. :-)

I think that whatever you believe and how you explain it to yourself, is what you should tell him. He will accept your views if you are truthful with what you believe. Death is part of life, I liked how Catherine C. said that a "person's good deeds and kind words live on in our hearts, and we keep their memory alive by sharing our thoughts and feelings about them". However I am religious, and believe very much so in an after life, but those two thoughts go very nicely together. After life and keeping their memory alive in our hearts. So just tell him how you think of death and after life or not. When you are thinking about your Dad, share your thoughts with him. He will realize that its okay to miss and be sad, but the good news is he will get to see him again, and that he is in a safe place. (if you believe that) The more you talk about it matter of fact-ly and honestly the less he will worry about it.
Good luck
E.

There are a couple of books on death that may help. One is "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" by Judith Viorst; the other is "When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death" by Laurie Krasney Brown. The dinosaur book is really good because it explains what different religions believe about where people "go" when they die, etc.

Maybe if you read the dinosaur book and talk about what happens to the BODY vs the SOUL, that when you're dead you don't need to eat or sleep or anything, you can then explain that Daddy still has to eat, sleep, etc.but he is far, far away in a place a lot like where we are. I don't know - all I know is that the dinosaur book has really helped our kids. Good luck!

I think the veil between heaven and earth is much thinner when you are younger and more open to it, there's a big chance that your Dad visited your son in a dream (esp on an important date in your dad's life), so rest assured your Dad is still looking out for your son and staying in touch with him - especially since his father is not presently available. Aside from that, I can't address the military distance issue, but I recalled seeing some recent discussions about PBS.org having an area on their site helping families/kids deal with death. It's another source just in case it's helpful. http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/emotions/death/index.html

Good luck, and prayers for your family and your husband's safe return.

Updated

I wrote earlier about a PBS thing, but I realize it's actually on TV tonight, called WHEN FAMILIES GRIEVE 8p on PBS. includes katie couric and Elmo.

http://www.pbs.org/parents/whenfamiliesgrieve/?utm_source...

Yes, he needs to learn that death is 'gone forever' and that 'across the world' is in the here & now. Be very careful to explain that your dad was old and VERY sick so that your son doesn't get the idea that anytime someone is sick they die so they can feel better.

If he understands that a bug that gets stepped on is gone forever, that's a start. Work up to higher life forms, gradually. If someone loses a pet, explain how sad they are. Also watch out for phrases people use for ill pets like "put him to sleep" or "we had to put her down" - some kids get confused and afraid about going to sleep at night, or about being put down when someone is carrying them. Use another phrase. (Some people say "the vet helped the sick, old dog to die without pain" or something like that. It sounds cumbersome, but think of it from the kid's point of view.)

You also need to distinguish between missing your dad (forever) and his missing his dad (temporary). Go to the library and get some books on the subject - speak to the children's librarian. If you are involved in a church or synagogue, consider speaking to the clergy person about beliefs that coincide with yours. Sometimes they have books available to help with kids.

When my son was almost 3 he lost a very close cousin tragically. I sought out therapy for both of us. And the lady we went to said that kids that age need straight forward answers and even though it's hard for adults to use words like "dead" that's what children that age understand. So as far as papa is concerned explaining to your son that papa died and will not be coming back to you again is the best way to deal with that. Another thing that helped my son was we picked a star and every night before bed we would go outside and say good night to his cousin and during the day if he wanted to talk to him we would pick a cloud that looked comfortable that Dana could be sitting on and talk to him. My son is now 14 and still to this day talks about his cousin Dana up in the stars.

I think you do need to explain that heaven and Afghanistan are not similar, quite opposite, I imagine. It sounds like your son has a basic understanding of death. You should be honest with him about what happened to Papa. My son was very wise at that age about spiritual things and I found that being straight with him was best practice, at an appropriate age level, of course.
S.

Recently my great-aunt passed away, and her granddaughter is 3 (she'll be 4 in June). She was very confused as to where her grandma had gone. My cousin explained to her that grandma had gone to heaven, etc, to which the little one replied, "Well, can I ride my bike there?" - So I think it is pretty common for kids to be confused by this concept.

Bear with me here because I know my views are probably not shared by most, but I am not religious (at all) and so I have explained death to my kids as someone's heart not pumping anymore. And when that happens, we have to say goodbye to that person forever. However, that person's good deeds and kind words live on in our hearts, and we keep their memory alive by sharing our thoughts and feelings about them. For instance, my great-aunt was hysterically funny, and so when someone says something really funny, one of the kids will say, "Auntie would think that was funny!" and we all agree that yes, she would. I think the idea of death, while never easy for a child, is probably made harder by the idea of heaven. I think it is easier for them (and harder for us =) to understand the idea of someone dying and ceasing to exist except in our thoughts, than it is for them to imagine their loved one going somewhere (where, nobody knows or can explain to them) where they cannot visit. Kids are very logical and literal, as you have seen with your son, and the idea of heaven is not logical or literal at all, when it comes right down to it. Just my two cents. =)

It's difficult to talk about death to an adult, so it seems even harder to talk to kids who don't understand what you may be saying. But it's important for them to learn, because some day - hopefully later rather than sooner - they may need to deal with it, and that's a terribly time to learn about it. I think its better to use words like "death" "died" rather than vague ones like "passed away", which seem less brutal but are so vague. Since it seems you believe in an after life (so do I) - heaven specifically - you may wish to explain that when a person dies, they no longer need their body. Their spirit, their soul - the part that makes them special - goes on to heaven. Talk to your son about his personality and what makes him special - how its not his body - everybody has a body, but there's only one "him" - so its not his body that makes him who he is, its his spirit. When we die, our spirit doesn't die, just our bodies. We can still talk to our loved ones who have died, but we can't see or hear them the way we used to. They'll wait for us in heaven where we'll see them again one day (a long time from now), but for now we just have to know they're watching us and listening to us even though we can't see them. But they can't come back to us because they no longer have their bodies. That's why going to heaven is different than just taking a trip to another part of the world.
I've also thought this life lesson was important for my children. So I have made sure they've had pets so they could experience both the joy of loving them but also a better understanding of what death means. My own father passed away when I was only 9 years old. I fully comprehended what that meant at the time because growing up we'd always had a lot of pets, who naturally died from various causes. I feel I benefited from that because knowing what death really meant helped me to immediately start the grieving process - I didn't have to first figure out what had really happened. I was able to understand that eventually one day the pain starts to lessen and life goes on and you can have joy even when you lose a loved one. So I urge you, if you can responsibly, to think about pets maybe when he is about 5 years old - something simple like a hamster. Good luck.

Several years ago, we had a bunch of deaths in our family--my FIL, my oldest brother, my BIL--all due to different circumstances. Our son was young and the losses brought up a bunch of different concerns and questions for him.

I would be straight forward with your son that your dad died. We described to our son that Grandpa (the one that affected him the most) was gone but we can always bring him back by thinking of him and remembering him. You and he will always have your memories to warm your hearts. You could even spend some time remembering your dad--the fun, sad, interesting memories you have (and possibly he has).

Although I believe in Heaven, I don't talk about it as a specific place like the clouds or whatever. I talk about it being here and everywhere. The concept of memories is a little more tangible for kids when they are questioning where someone goes after death.

You can explain that although your dad's memories can always stay with you, you will not see him in person again. He may even have dreams of him, but that isn't in person either. (You could say that dreams are a sort of Skype for memories, but that might not be wise. He may then want to Skype someone who is dead and then get mad when he can't make the connection.)

Kids are very concrete. Heaven--where is it, how come I don't see clouds sometimes, does that mean Heaven isn't there on those days? LOL Let me tell you, we've gotten ALL sorts of questions over the years.

Our son's main fears were that we were going to die, too. We responded that, yes, some day we will all die, too, but we hope for not a VERY long time! Just be patient and as he gets older, he'll make more sense of it. Let him ask his questions and do the best you can at each moment.

In my experience, bugs are the first big lesson in death. Plants and pets are often the next realization. Then family and friends often come next. But the order isn't always so orderly; sometimes people come first. Some deaths can be prevented, some cannot. (Kids have controlled the fate of bugs for millenia! : ) Illnesses aren't as controllable--some can be dealt with medically, some cannot.

But his dad is a very different thing. He is just very far away, on the other side of the world. Technology allows you both to still see him. It's like talking with someone on the phone...they are really there, wherever
"there" is. This concept might resonate with him.

You can't really say his dad will come back because you never know what events may transpire. War is unpredictable--some people make it and some do not. Plus, if he is an "ex", who knows what the future will bring. But you can say he is really alive when you talk on Skype and he is just very far away.

Life is fascinating, especially when you are trying to explain it to kids. And death is just the other end of birth. Savor these conversations and questions. They are a wonderful opportunity to connect with your child and to see the world through his eyes.

Good luck!

Hi,
I am sorry for your loss first and foremost.
I was widowed at 38 and left to raise our 3 (6, 8 and 10 at the time) alone.
Each of my children were at a different developmental stage where they view death and dying.
There are some great books etc out there on loss for young children...one being "Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs" and "The 10th good thing about Barney"

The best I can offer though ... tune in at 8pm for a Sesame Street special on grieving families. It looks wonderful and one I wish was made 8 yrs ago when my husband passed away.

As for your son worrying that his dad will die... I fully understand your fear on this. My children worried (one excessively to the point I'd wake up with him leaning over me making sure I was breathing! and one who wouldn't go on play dates or sleepovers just in case...) that something would happen to me. I still to this day say that I plan on living a long time.

As a teacher, the subject has come up one a child in my class has lost a parent or grandparent and they verbalize the fear that their parents could die. I just tell them most of the time mommies and daddies live a very long time, long enough to become grandma and grandpas.

L.

I know how hard this can be. One way I differentiate between the 2 is to say that Grandpop had to go back to the earth because he was done with his body, and so we can no longer see him. When it comes to Daddy, he is working far far away but will be home. I think right now he is confused because he thinks Heaven is a place like any other. My sons know that going back to the earth means dead because I use the same terminology with our pet mice and our beloved rabbit.