How Old Is Too Old for Another Baby?

D.,

To answer your question only with an opinion...

Physically - talk to your OB/GYN. Talk to your regular doctor. Talk about the risks to you and the baby. Have a complete physical and bloodwork. It's not a bad idea to do that anyway, right? ;)

That being said, let me share...my mom had me when she was only 19 (a child herself) and my sister when she was 20. She divorced and many years later met my Step Dad and they had my brother when she was 28. Unfortunately, they divorced. But, 10 years later, she met someone else and she had my sister at 38.

We literally just talked about this last night and in retrospect, she feels 19 was too young and 38 was too old. Truth be told, it wasn't even the baby stage that made her say this. It's the fact that at 53 years old, she's dealing with a 15 year old daughter and it's a daily struggle. Ask any parent of a teenager and they probably feel the same way, but at 53, she's tired. She absolutely doesn't regret Tori (my sister) one bit and they have a great, close relationship BUT instead of planning a retirement and travel, she's going to be looking at colleges and tuition in the next couple of years.

Obviously, it's a personal choice but based on the experiences I've seen with my mom I wouldn't do it. I'll be 34 when my second son is born this August and I worry about it at times. Will I be too old when the time comes? Starting to try to conceive at 41-42 means you'll be 42-43 when the baby is born if you conceive right away.

I truly understand you and your fiance's desire to have a child. And, I hope that there are further discussions between you both and your doctors. Whatever choice you make, it will be the right choice for you and your lives together...based on your post, I'm confident of that.

Good luck.

T.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm 40 and a first time mom. I don't think 40 is too old to carry and care for another child, if your eggs are still willing. It took 5 LONG, stressful and expensive years for me to get pregnant. OF MY PEERS WHO TRIED TO GET PREGNANT RECENTLY, MOST HAD A HARD TIME AND RESORTED TO IVF. I wish you luck in your decision!

Hi D.
I just turned 42 last week. I have a few friends, my age and a little older that have had babies recently. They are all healthy and very happy. I think as we become older another issue to consider is your energy level and the thought of how old you will be in 20 years when your child is just getting ready to enter adulthood. I have a 15, 5 and 2 1/2 year old. I always think about the fact that when my youngest turns 21, I'll be 60!!!!!! I don't know why that scares my so much. I think probably because my parents were 20 and 21 when they had me. So they were young and full of life and energy. I will be curious myself to hear how everyone responds to this question. I am going thru a divorce and the thought of maybe meeting someone who would like to have a child is something that is always in the back of my mind. Good luck to you and your family!!!

Only thing i can add; PERHAPS AGE CAN SLOW US DOWN CHASING A SMALL CHILD AROUND, BUT WITH AGE ALSO BRINGS US PATIENCE WE WERE NOT CAPABLE OF HAVING WHEN WE ARE YOUNGER : )
A CHILD NEEDS BOTH.

My only experience with this is that my husband's parents had him when they were older. They are now near 80, where my parents are just turning 60. His parents can't drive anymore to see us and I feel they miss out on a lot with our family and their soon to be 3 grandkids. Just something to think about..not saying you should or should not.

I know several people who had their first kids at your age or older, so I don't think it's a matter of ethically too old. Ethically, if I were in your position I would ask myself if I have the personal and financial resources to add to the family. (which I assume you do)

But I have to say that I'm surprised that someone with a medical degree doesn't understand that "a couple of years" at age 39 could potentially close the door for the two of you to have a child together. Not only the odds of conceiving, but the odds of miscarriage and chromosomal birth defects really change for us in our early 40s. I understand his being younger and not ready, but it might be a good idea for the two of you to really sit down and look at the numbers. He may just be closing his mind to the reality that women do have a biological time limit because he's just enjoying the moment with you.

Hi D.,

I am responding to your post because I counsel/support infertile women/couples and know what it takes to get pregnant over 35.

First, let me say how blessed you are to have 4 children. You are/were very fertile. I can say, from personal experience, as you age, your eggs age with you. Our toxic enviornment exposes our eggs as well to everything we breathe in. This is not to say you couldn't get pregnant naturally, but the odds aren't in your favor without medical help and then you have to worry about birth defects. You say your in great health except you could lose 50lbs. Weight plays a big part in fertility. Try to lose some if you can. You will need to be as healthy as possible to take this on if you choose to.

I was almost 42 when I had my son after many years of infertility treatment. I have to say, being 47 with a 5 year old, is not easy trying to keep up with him but I wouldn't change it for the world. We were blessed with a miracle.

For you, you have older kids who can help you out with a baby. I understand your husband wants to wait a couple more years but time is not on your side, unfortunately. I would definetely talk to your OB and have her do a work up on you.
I wish you much luck in your future.

Hi there-

Wow! You do have a lot of blessings. While this is a personal choice, I would strongly consider the fact that you have a grandchild who would be older than this child that you are considering. This, for me, would tell me that my time for having babies is over.

Also, given your situation with your fiance going through medical school, I would strongly consider the lack of time that he would be available to help you raise this child, whether because he is gone trying to prove himself and establish himself or because he is too tired. If he loves your children as much as his own, maybe this could be enough for him?

I commend you for seeking other people's opinions than just your family and friends. You need unbiased advice to help you through this one. I wish you the best.

My opinion is it's not too late, as long as you understand the potential issues that can come with a baby or pregnancy at that age. I had my first at 38 and now am 40. I plan to have one or two more. Just know that the risks will be there and the doctors will remind you (i.e. advanced maternal age - if I heard it once, I heard it 100 times). If you've got the energy and the resources, I say go for it!! Being a parent is a gift in my eyes and I feel younger today than I did at 37! Good luck to you.

Been there, doing it. =) I have two bio kids 22 and 20 by my first marriage and have a 4 year old (I also have 5 stepchildren). I had my daughter at 37. The biggest differences for me have been less energy and, oddly enough, less ability to hold my temper. I was exhausted during my pregnancy and ended up having a C-section because of high blood pressure.
On the other hand I appreciate how quickly time flies and enjoy each stage rather than wish they were over. =) My mother was 38 when she had me and tells stories about people asking about her "grandchild"! Fortunately you are in an era where women are waiting longer to have children so you won't be the only gray haired lady on the playground, hehe.
Personally I think waiting to long isn't right. Yes, you get the pleasure of having a child, but the child has the pleasure of someone old enough to be their grandparent AS their parent. I thank God that my mother has lived long enough to see her grandchildren and they have gotten to know her. The lady in the article is denying HER children the gift of grandparents and the gift of self because most likely when her children are having children she will not be alive to witness that joy and have her grandchildren know HER. Eh, kinda convoluted but I think you get my drift. IMO 40 is getting up there, the sooner the better.
One more thought....the advantage of having a younger husband is HE is more likely to be around for both of you. Ever notice there are more old ladies than old men? Women live longer.

D., I it sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into this. I would really research the risks involved in having a baby at an older age. Are you and your DH prepared if you give birth to a child with complications? i.e. down syndrome, etc. all of the things associated with babies who are born to older moms? And with your husband being a resident soon, will he have time to help you out with this child regardless if that child would have challenges or not? With the other children, you must have your hands full. My own mother had my youngest sister at 39 (17 yrs. ago) and I remember how scared she was with all of the testing, etc. because of the risks associated with her age. (My sister is normal). You sound like a great mom and I bet you are capable--just make sure he will be around enough to help support you...

Hi D.,
I am 43 and I had beautiful twin boys at 42. They are my first. I am grateful I am an older mom, because with age comes wisdom and patience. I was worried I wouldn't have enough energy, but to my surprise, I do. (so far:) I think children keep you young. FYI, as a woman ages, sometimes her body releases more than 1 egg a month, resulting in twins, triplets, etc. I know, it happened to me:) I say follow your heart. There is nothing "unethical" about having a child & raising it with love. I wish you the best with your decision & possible future pregancy!

Personally, I believe 50's and up is too old and go back and forth about other ages but really... it's a personal decision. If you are 39 now...my opinion would be to start sooner rather than later. Since you are older it may take longer. A good person to discuss this with would be your ob/gyn. Good luck with your decision.

Hi D.,

I am a first time mom of a 10 and a half month old baby girl that I gave birth to when I just turned 39. My husband is 51, and this is his first marriage. (I was married very young for 8 years - no kids.) We are now thinking about becomming pregnant again. We know we would like a few children, but we do stop and think about the age issue. It took us over a year to become pregnant (naturally), and worry that it might take longer again. We justify having more kids at our age because we have a lot to offer - for me the time and ability to stay at home raising our children, and the resources to afford more kids. We both take care of ourselves, and even though I personally need to lose 50 pounds, we are in the best of health. My take is that you are fortunate to be in a situation to want, and the ability to have another child, and the experience to know what you are stepping into. So, no - I don't believe at all the 41-42 is too old, for me it is just getting started. Good luck on whatever you decide.
M.

I have friends who are in a VERY similar situation. She is in her 40's and he is in his 30's. She already has 4 grown kids, but they wanted one of their own together. He has none. They just had a beautiful baby girl a couple of weeks ago. They are ecstatic and wanting to have another. They have had a lot of support and love, and I know they don't regret their decision for a minute. She got a full physical check from her OB/GYN before they started trying just to make sure her body was healthy and strong enough. He gave them an all clear and here we are! I have a few friends who have had children into their 40's and they are all very happy they did. Think about it, weigh the pros and cons, and ultimately do what your heart tells you.

Hi D.,

I feel for you with this dilemma. If you are feeling up to it and you want to have a child with your new husband, then I think age is not a factor. My mother was 42 when I was born and my father 46. The good news is she had older children from a previous marriage so she didn't have the stress of more than one baby/child as an older mom...kind of like your situation. I had to read the responses to your request because I just KNEW someone would say something about Down syndrome. My first born has Down syndrome and I was 28 when he was born!! It's true the risk goes up but I just don't think it's everything. There are many other risks involved with pregnancies too...not just trisomy 21. Good luck to you whatever you decide!

Please don't say 42 is to old....(ha ha) I am 42 years young and I am trying to get pregnant. Things are different with each pregnancy, but beening of good health and not having problems with any of your pregnancies I don't think 42 is too old for anything. Talk to me again when I'm 45, and hope I will be saying how tired I am from running after a toddler.

Good luck in you decision.

You have to do what is best for you and your family. Who cares if others may think that it is wrong. If you are up to the challenge of having a baby - go for it!! Don't worry about what other people think. If this is what you and your husband want - go for it!

My husband, who is 33 years old, was born when his mom and dad were 41 and 44 respectively. He was a "suprise", but I am sure glad they had that "suprise". I don't think that age really matters (well, 50+ is too old in my opinion) as long as you are a loving, active part of your child's life. Plus, as long as you and your husband are happy with it, that is what matters.

I'm 39 and have one child who is 18 months. I am expecting to have at least one more child. I think if you are healthy, active and interested - you can be a great mom.

On the flip side, I think every potential mom also needs to be ready to accept that she may have a special needs child, regardless of how old you are as a mom. That takes even more time and energy.

Hi D.! Hope you're doing well :)

I think it depends on lots of things- here is a list that I would think about:

-Are you willing to accept that you might have a down syndrome child? There are tests that you can take that tell the chances your unborn child has of having certain defects, but some can be invasive and stressful. You would have to think if you would be willing to raise a child like this or terminate the pregnancy.

-Would your age matter to you in that it might be harder for you to participate in life events of your child? I would worry that if I was in my 60s and my child was in his 20s that I might not be as able to help them move into their first apartment, etc. etc. just due to physical limitations that come along with age. Of course, there is the upside to this too, because he/she would have brothers and sisters that would hopefully fill in these gaps.

-How would your children of childbearing age feel about this? Would it impact your relationship with them? On the parenting boards I often see mom and daughter both preg at same time and daughter is VERY distraught because mom is getting more attention (or not able to give the daughter her attention) because she is also pregnant.)

Hmmm.. that's all I can think of right now. I'm pregnant myself at 29 at the moment and I'm feeling VERY much older than when I had my daughter at 22. Not that it might have been any different if I had had another at 24, etc but I do feel like I have more aches and pains this go round, as well as allergies I've aquired over the years, injuries I've sustained, general wear and tear from age, etc. It was my personal decision NOT to have children over the age of 30 for myself, but that is a very personal decision to make and I don't mean that as a judgement on you by any means. I want to be young(ish) while my children are young and be able to travel, etc with them when they are older as well.

Having said this, my husband's parents are in their early 70s and he is 31, and they are both in excellent health with lots of energy for the grandchildren, travel all the time, go on bike trips cross-country, etc etc.

Hope this helps some!
If you have anything you're thinking through and want to bounce it around with someone else, feel free to contact me off-list :)

Manda

I dont think 41-42 is too old for another baby. I didn't have my first child until I was almost 38. I would like to have another baby soon if possible. A coworker of mine just had her first child last November at the age of 41 and everything turned out fine. I just say if you feel up to it and you and your husband really want a child I say GO FOR IT!!!
C.

I have two friends with children 17 and 2 and 13 and 1. They each got pregnant at about 39-40 yrs old and are very overweight...but they did not have any problems. Just more tired dealing with babies this time around. I would suggest talking with an ob to get their opinion. Take care.

D.,

I had my first (and only) child at 40. Sometimes I wish I had had my son when I was younger but I also feel I have alot more patience now. My pregnancy went great. No issues. I got to have more ultrasounds than a younger pregnant woman would but I thought that was cool. It is true there are more risks when you are older but I still think statistically your chances are much better to have a normal child.

D.,

I do not think 41 is to old to have another child. However, you may have problems getting pregnant at an older age, so if you wait another 2 years to start trying you may end up being 43/44.

I think that if he wants his own child it should have to be now, or never.

L.

A friend of mine has two daughters in their 20's, and was remarried 6 years ago. She is about 10 years older than her husband who had never been married. They had a beautiful, healthly daughter 4 years ago when she was in her mid 40's. They just did all of the testing that is offered after the 35 year old mark.

Good luck.

Hi D. P

I was 39 when I had my last child. My doctors here refused to care for me. I had gestional diabetes which I cured throught diet. They wanted me on insolin. I could not go to doctors in Lake County. I had to go to ENH. Great doctors great hospital to have a baby in. I had to have non stress tests for the baby. Many medical test everything was fine. My emotional state was terrible.

If you can find a doctor who will help you from start to finish. Your health is good. Plus having two years to work on your health will be great. Your attitude toward the changes that a new baby bring to the family also helps. My cousin was 46 when she had a baby. Does age really matter? Are we better at 20 then we are at 60? As long as we can love and care for the baby do age matter? I want you to have a great support team and lots of positive help. I really wish you the best with the future decision. Good luck. What a nice thoughtful gift of parenthood you offer your husband.

I had my first son when I was 38 and my second son when I was almost 41. They are keeping me young and I am loving every second of being an older mom. My only concern with happy babies later in life was that the doctors put the fear of having a downs syndrome baby in your mind.
go for it

Hi D.,

I had my first son at 40, and at 42, am trying for number two, so I certainly don't think that age is too old. However, I learned that fertility decreases quite a bit between 35 and 40 and more steeply from 40 and beyond. While you may easily get pregnant at 41 or 42, it is not a certainty, and it is difficult to predict. The concern I would have about waiting to start trying is, that if you find out you have a problem, you won't have much time left to address it; where if you start now and it takes a while, you would still have time.

But, it is a personal decision, and the time needs to be right for everyone involved, so you need to weigh all of that. Just some other perspectives to consider.

Take care.

This is a tough post-imo. I heard about that 60 y/o women and the first thing that came to my mind was 'what the heck is she doing?' It more so seemed to me that they were trying to prove a point that older women could have healthy babies. That may be true, but did that 60 y/o think about what her babies life would be like w/o their parents. I know that death and sickness occur at any age in life, but I cant understand trying to prove a point. I am going to be 30 and I have twins that are 5, a 15month old and a 2 month old-some days are hard enough for me to keep up. However, for your situation I agree w/the other posters that said if you are feeling up to it-then go for it. More and more people are waiting until they get older, wiser, more mature to have children-lucky for you- you already know what its all about. I myself could not see starting all over again after so many years. It was challenging enough after waiting 4 years(hence the 2 that are 13 months apart). If I was you I would really look at a couple of different things-do you REALLY want another child or would you be doing something that you werent so sure about just to make your fiance happy. He does not seem to be pressuring you to have a hild between the two of you, so I would trust him when he says he is ok if he doesnt have a biological child of his own. Finally, I would hope that this is something that you have discuss prior to getting into such a committed relationship. You both need to be on the same page and for the right reasons w/o either one of you making a decision you could later reflect on as not being a good one. Sorry to ramble on-I wish you luck!!!

D.,

All the moms here have given you great insight on what not to expect and what to expect. My mom had my sister when she was 41, the pros is that she is a much better mom to her than she was to me (me and my sister are 19 years apart)which the older you get the more patience you have. The con is that she doesn't have any enery to keep up with her. My sister is now 16, if you think chasing a toddler is bad, try chasing a teenager. I think my mom is 57 or 58 and she is still working, she is not able to retire and has no plans of retiring because now my sister is going to college and you can imagine how much that cost. I love kids, honestly I do. I have a 13 year old girl and 4 year old boy and I sometimes get the itch to have another. What stops me is just that. When I am 55 I want to be enjoying life and not raising kids. That is my opinion, in no way do I mean harm. You are going to do whatever you want to do anyway but 42 years old is not old at all to have another baby. Good luck.

D.,

My mom's cousin just had her 2nd baby at 45 and they're doing great. I think that you should do for your life what feels right for you and your future husband. You are not "too old", in my opinion. You obviously know what it takes to have a baby, and I'm sure you know the risks that come with having a baby at a later age, so as long as you're both up for it, go for it! Good luck to you :)

D.,
I don't think 41-42 is too old, but your body may not agree with me. When you're older a much smaller percentage of your eggs are viable. There's a higher incidence of miscarriage and if the baby is carried to term, a higher incidence of genetic disorders such as down's syndrome. You have to be willing to live with this if you get pregnant. That said, there is an excellent chance that everything will be fine and you'll have a beautiful healthy baby.

I would give yourself more time to conceive than you might have given yourself when you were younger - probably more like 6-12 months instead of 2-6 months. If you find that you're having difficulty conceiving you might consider adoption for your last child.

Finally, fathering a child during residency isn't all that big a deal, and you might try and explain that to your husband :) Plus if it takes you longer to get pregnant he may not have that much of his residency left by the time the baby arrives. I know plenty of women (incuding my sister) who have become mothers for the first time during residency - this is considerably more difficult than being the dad.

All we can offer is some of our experiences and opinions, but it's your choice. I suggest you do some research on the difficulty of conceiving (or the ease -- chances of multiples are greater as a woman nears 40) and being pregnant after age 35 (the age when the medical community considers you reproductively "old" and "high risk") as well as the offspring you could produce as a result of having "aged eggs". How would you deal with twins, a Down Syndrome baby or a perfectly healthy baby? How does your husband feel about these possiblities? Research and you both should decide and agree.

Also, you might want to send another message out asking only 41-42 year olds to respond with the pros and cons of being a new mom (or dad) at that age - even if it's not their first child.

I personally do not think that early 40s is too old, and what I say is not meant to scare you but for a reality check. Better to know what your in store for. When I got pregnant at 35 and delivered at 36, I didn't feel old, had a healthy pregnancy and child, but the doctors and specialists considered me "old" and "high risk", and I didn't know that they would. It was quite annoying, but at least if I had another one at age 38, I know what the complications could be, what extra tests I'll need and how they will treat me.

You have time on your side actually since your plan is still 1 to 2 years in the making.

Good luck.