How Much Is Expected for All Wedding Events?

Hi L.,

I'm from the south, so my perspective might be a little different from those native to the Chicago area. The tradition I grew up with was that if you were invited to the bridal shower and the wedding, you took your gift to the shower and that's it. (but, weddings I grew up with weren't huge sit down affairs). If you were invited to multiple showers, you bought multiple smaller gifts.
Since this is your husband's cousin, you will probably need to buy gifts for all of the showers you attend. But, you don't have to go buy the most expensive gift on the registry. Remember, it's the THOUGHT that counts.
Your husband should attend the bachelor party since he is in the wedding, but I think you could gracefully decline the bachelorette party. I think all you would need to say is "thank you for the lovely invitation, but this should really be a night for you and your best girlfriends."

If you are worried about the budget and having to buy multiple shower/wedding gifts... remember that you can make a gift. One idea would be to take pictures at the events you and your husband attend (party's, showers, the wedding)then put together a photo album or shutterfly photo book that you give to the happy couple once they come home. You could make a cute little IOU to put in the card you give at the wedding saying "we wanted to make something special just for you. Please come to dinner at our house after your honeymoon so we can give you your gift."

I hope this helps!

I have never brought a gift to an engagement party unless I am confident that there will not be a shower. Usually the hosts specify "no gifts." I would not bring a gift to a bachelorette party, either. You'll probably be contributing to her good time, anyway, by paying for part of the bride's share of the costs (bar bill, restaurant bill, entertainment, etc.) One shower is sufficient. We give a generous cash gift to the wedding. You have to draw the line or else you will go broke. Do not dip into savings because you feel obligated to give all these gifts.

L., do not even feel bad. Times are tough and everyone needs to be understanding. I think weddings are getting out of control and people (the ones getting married) are expecting more when we all know people now a days have less. Do not feel bad about declining invites. I know I had to do that too for my husband's best friend's wedding. His fiance invited me to the bachelorette and bridal shower parties, both of which I declined. $1000 is out of control. I would give enough to cover the estimated cost of your dinner plates.

You do not have to go to the bachelorette party. You can simply say you already have plans for the night. Most people aren't expected to go, just very close friends. Yes, if you are in the wedding, it can be verys expensive.

Good luck!

I don't know how it is these days, but I agree that it is inappropriate for an older married woman to go to a bachelorette part, and I'm surprised that a gift would be required for that, anyway. Your husband must be very well liked to be in so many weddings, so count your blessings there.

Well first of all lucky you that you are invited to all of these events. And second that you so far have been able to afford doing it. It really does get expensive.
You have to do what you can afford. Yes there are a lot of things, but like you I wouldn't go to the Bachelorette party and if you can't make or afford the shower you can decline. I am sure they would love you at the wedding in which case we always give what we think someone might have paid for our dinners (although if that is way out of line we give a money donation of what we can). We started doing something a couple of years ago, still get invited to a lot of weddings and showers. We give beautiful fluffy blankets despite the lists people have. They are never go backers. We actually have several (you know the furry kind you find in some of the ethnic stores) and they are reasonable priced ,large and last years. You really have to do whatever you can these days and not what is completely expected. This does seem here to stay but you can work it out to your budget. Say skip the showers and parties, or buy a little trinket for special things and shop economically for wedding wardrobes. You will have fun!

You have received lots of good practical information. I wanted to add my perspective. I am Polish and raised in the midwest of the US. Weddings, Christenings, Confirmations etc are excuses for all the people who immigrated to get together and really celebrate. They have always been extravagant affairs my whole life. But it was always the main event such as the wedding reception where the $$ was spent. My mother has always made sure to be very thoughtful for her friends children but now we are being invited to all of their kid's kid's parties and it is becoming a bit much. We decided to go "all out" only on the main events and skip the extra parties. Also, I don't think you should go to parties, like the bachelorette party if you are going to just be hating the whole experience. I talked with my mom about your situation and she felt also that so many parties are really a bit much for someone you are not great friends with. The motherly advise was this....like other's suggested a nice bottle of champagne for the engagement party, something not too extravagant for the bridal shower, and let you husband decide on the wedding gift because his Best Friend/cousin,may not expect a gift since he is the reason your family is in the wedding. I feel that if you need to dip into saving to be able to go to a wedding and all the event then you really can't afford it. My boyfriend and I have really down-graded our gift giving with a baby on the way and I don't think it has even been noticed. Everyone who said that it is the thought that counts is really really right and your husband knowing his BEST FRIEND might have a great gift idea that won't break the bank. Also, I always make it the job of my boyfriend to decide on gifts when it is for his family's events. I usually ask him to take the budget into consideration and the it works out the best.

V.

Weddings are NOTthat way unless the bride and groom are severely taking advantage of the situation. The brides family is the one to give a personal shower. If you attend that you do not have to attend the other shinanagons. A bachrlorette party just means going out to drink and maybe a "dancer" or some form of intertainment that all that are invited chip in for. Could cost you $25-50 tops. When all of you are standing up for the wedding, you are not expected to give some huge gift; maybe $100.00 as a token. If the bride and groom are offended, they aren't worth being known as family or friend! Remember that! Don't let others take advantage of you again. Learn from the costly mistakes already made. Some people are so spoiled that they don't take into consideration the already extravagant purchases you've made. Also, it is possible for you to back out of your daughter being a flower girl since your hubby is standing-up. That's expense enough. We attended a wedding with a similar situation. It was held in Canada and cost a small fortune. As a result the "yuppie" couple didn't understand why so many of their BEST FRIENDS and FAMILY members gave $100.00-or a little more. The parents of the couple said "we told you that people are not expected to "give" more when they're already paying 1k or better for the trip. These are not the old "SOPRANOS days" and that being said, enough is enough.

Hi L., I think its ridiculous to expect anyone to provide gifts for all these events, espcially when you have 2 small children. Bridal shower and wedding gift, ok. As for the rest,only you know how deep your pockets are. I would respond to the hosts' invitations with a lovely note congratulating the couple and declining my attendance without giving a lot of detail.

First to address bachelorette party. A bachelorette party is not like a shower. it a party for women to give the bride a last night out. You do not need to give her a give unless it is a funny or cute gift. Usually these parties involve going to a bar or club not to sit around and play game. As I said in the previous posting you had, an engagement party you are not really require to bring a gift but I recommend a bottle of wine or champagne or a nice card with an open invitation to dinner out for the 4 of you. i would not spend a lot of money. For the bridal showers, a gift is always expected but if you are invited to more than one either only give a gift at one shower or get small gifts at each shower that equal up to a large if. Unfortunately weddings have become known for HOW MUCH CAN I GET EVENTS. And that is not how wedding were meant to be. Weddings were meant to be a celebration of love and togetherness. Weddings were meant to be til death do use part. Unfortunately beside how much can I get events, everyone is asking do you think it will last?
$500 is a lot of money to spend for one couple, I think your husband and you need to sit down and make a few decisions on how much you want to spend.

Good Luck

I can't imagine ANYone spending up to $1000 on gifts for one couple getting married! No, that is not the tradition in America. You don't have to give gifts for each affair. And you don't have to attend all of them either. One shower gift in the $40-50 range & the same for the one wedding gift. That's all! WHY would you even consider anything more?

I think you've gotten some great advice but one other thing I'd like to add is that most times when you are asked to stand up in a wedding, especially if there are multiple people in the same family who do, the couple who've asked usually understand/expect not to get a big gift for the day of the wedding due the expense it cost you do stand up for them. Many times the entire wedding party will chip in and get 1 very nice gift, like a camcorder or camera, so you'll only pay $50/person but they get a nice gift. It doesn't always have to be cash you give and it doesn't have to be $200+. Maybe help coordinate with the other attendants to pick something out like this and have everyone pay towards it. That way everytime they use that item, they will always remember the group who gave it to them. A $$ gift is nice but then it goes toward bed sheets or other things that will not have a significant personal value.

My husband and son were in his sisters wedding last year and with tuxes and gifts and showers, we spent over $1000. It was ridiculous. I did not go to the bachlorette party but did go to the shower, etc. It all sucked and cost a ton. If there is any way to get out of any of it, i would. Its not worth the expense and hassle. We dont have that kind of money to throw around, but we felt like we had to. If you can decline any of it, i would.

Weddings are a big expense even for those who are just attending and especially for those in it. My husband's sister just got married and while we were over joyed, all the showers, bach parties, plus attire did cost us an arm and a leg. I say shower gift is a must whether you go or not. I don't think you have to go to the bach party. I am sure your husband will have many expenses from the guys bach party. As for the wedding gift...if your husband and daughter are in it, you are putting even more expense into it however I don't think there is any getting around it. I always go by where is the reception, who is paying for the wedding and make my decision. I say average 150 for the gift but more or less depending upon other factors. Brides these days can be greedy, they see what they are putting out money wise and don't think that it is a huge expense for those in it or think they would do it for you. Be aware of misc. expenses as it get closer like having your daughters hair done with the bridal party, golfing with the guys the day before...those things sneek up and can be even more expense. Good Luck and save up!

You don't have to go the showers and bachelorette party. If you don't go to the shower I would still get a gift, though. I don't think you should spend more than 75 dollars for a shower gift. Even for a family member I wouldn't spend more than 125 − 150 for a wedding gift. No gift required for bachelorette party ....if you hear people are bringing stuff then spend 15 dollars on pretty candles for promoting romance.

I believe you could decline an invitation to the bachelorette party. Use your children or your age difference as an excuse; young, single women would most enjoy this experience. It sounds like you realize you would be invited to the bridal shower, and you're ok with that. You seem to have a good grasp of what's expected. Unfortunately, it often adds up, as you've noticed!

IMHO, I think the pre-wedding festivities have spiralled out of control in terms of too many celebrations and too much gift-giving. Years ago when I was married, a girl was happy to have one bridal shower, one bachelorette party with her closest friends, and the groom-to-be had a day / evening with the guys. Now there are engagement parties, multiple showers given by friends / family, his side, her side, couple showers, and extravagant bachelorette and guys weekends out of town (I just learned of one bachelorette party where the girls were flown to Maui). Brides, Grooms and their Families should be more conscious of how many invites they extend to the same family members honoring the same couple. As a guest, do the best you can and do not go into debt. I also heard the following advice from an acquaintance who was throwing a lavish wedding for her daughter in a downtown hotel. She said because they (the parents) decided to have this expensive wedding at this elite venue, they would never expect their guests to feel obligated to cover the price of the dinner plate. It was their decision to spend this kind of money and the guest should not feel obligated to pony up that much money!

Hi. It is definitely expensive to be in a wedding. My husband is one of those people that is a great friend to everyone and he has stood up in a number of weddings. However, I am surprised by people who say that you shouldn't get the couple a nice gift just because your husband is standing up in the wedding. I feel the opposite. If you are close enough to the couple that your husband and daughter are in the wedding, I would think that you would want to get them a nice wedding present.

Attending the shower and bachelorette parties is optional, if you don't care to attend don't. However, I think you should talk to the bride about it. I am now a married mom of 2 and I don't attend bachelorette parties anymore. I just don't have the time and energy. If a friend is getting married I tell her that late night outings just don't work for me anymore and that I wouldn't be any fun at a bachelorette party. For close friends I offer to take her to dinner one night instead, for the brides of my husbands friends I usually don't do this, I am not as social as my husband. So far all of my friends have understood.

Personally I try to attend showers and if the couple has registered for towels I always get them a set a their towels or 2, depending on how expensive they are. Watch for white sales at the store they are registered at, towels go on sale a lot. I then give them a check for their wedding gift, because that was what I was told is tradition and it is easier. Recently I have started mailing the card to the couple before the wedding, because I have heard too much about the cards being stolen at weddings.

Have fun and do what works for you!

D.

L.
While some weddings are getting out of hand, don't feel like you need to break the bank. People appreciate everything that they receive, and they know that it costs others a lot of money. I come from a small town where people spend little on weddings and guests typically give smaller gifts (dollar amount, that is). I appreciated those as much as the bigger ones.
My rule of thumb is the more you know them, the more you typically spend. I generally spend around $40-50 at the shower and $100-200 for the wedding. The typically rule for wedding gifts is to spend the amount that the couple spent on the meal. So, if this is a very fancy, black tie wedding, you could spend more. Only spend what you can afford though, and don't feel like your gift is being evaluated. Also, if you would feel out of place at the bachelorette party, you can kindly decline. Gifts if you do not go are optional then.

hope it helps!

I think that it would be totally ok to skip the bachelorette party. If your husband is close to the cousin then skipping the shower might not be good. as far as outfitting for the wedding itself there is not much choice in cost unless there is by a miricle a chance that your daughter can wear the same dress as the last wedding. good luck. and not sure what your giving as actaul gift to the wedding but maybe cut back there a little bit.

Aww, L.- I am so sorry if you feel awkward in this situation! I think different families and different brides have different expectations. You can never please everyone- but this would be my guideline:

1)I think it would be fine for you to only attend the bridal shower. As far as a gift goes- in my experience, the 'shower' gift is usually something that the bride wants specifically (maybe a nice pan for the kitchen, a set of cooking utensils,towels, something like that for the home) and is usually ( but doesn't have to be) LESS expensive than the actual wedding gift. The shower is a traditional way for the bride's mother and her MIL to be to spend time together, for her friends and female family to help her 'set up housekeeping' with things she will need for married life. It is the TRADITION that matters- NOT the size or amount of the gift.

2)The bride and groom should understand that of course your husband and little girl want to be in the wedding - but it costs a lot of money!! Unless they think you are millionaires hopefully they will be reasonable about things like tux rental, the flower girl dress, etc. It is true that being in a wedding can be costly, but hopefully the memories of your family's part of this special day will be totally worthwhile. Also- if you and your MIL are on good terms, maybe grandma would 'help out' with the flower girl outfit? Every grandma wants to see her granddaughter as a little flower girl :)

3)Do NOT feel bad about not going to the bachelorette party!! The bridal shower is more important- the bachelorette party is for the bride and her friends to cut loose, and if you don't know her super well and are not the same age, she may even feel less inhibited without you there! J

ust make up a polite excuse and send her an email or note thanking her for inviting you, saying how much you did enjoy her bridal shower and how much you and your family are looking forward to her special day. I am sure she will not be offended by this.

Most importantly- remember, this is about the commitment of two people joining their lives in front of their loved ones. Period. Sometimes brides can get a little crazy about stuff, but in the end it is NEVER about how much someone spent on their gift or what the dinner cost or what party you went to or didn't go to. It is about your family honoring and supporting the start of the bride and groom's new life together. THAT is what matters- you just remember that even if other people sometimes forget it!

Good luck and have a wonderful time with your family at the wedding!

I think it's fine to skip the bachelorette party - especially if you don't know the bride well. That sort of party is generally an excuse for the bride-to-be to hang with her friends, and she probably invited you just to be polite anyway! Deep down, it's fine to skip the shower too I think, but only if it won't be conspicuous. (ie if there are only 10 people invited and you are the only one missing that's not so great. But if they invited a ton of friends and family and you happen to not make it, no biggie. I'd check w/ the organizer to see who was invited and who is coming and then decide).

As for the total amount spent, $1000 seems like a lot. Even $500 seems like a lot for gifts alone -- though if it is a good friend or relative that you are somewhat close with I think $500-$1000 might be reasonable if it also included a dress for you to wear to the event, plus travel expenses to/from (ie hotel room and possibly airline ticket). Remember - if the wedding is earlier in the day you can probably get away wearing something more casual - or certainly your daughter can get away with it! She's a kid! I'd go for something that can double as a church dress if you go to church, or even as a school picture dress if she's a little older. In general I may be considered stingy, but I usually give gifts ranging from $50-150, depending on who it is.

Think about it this way... did YOU keep track of the relative value of gifts you received for your wedding? I sure didn't. Mostly, I was just amazed at how generous everyone was, and thankful to have such loving family and friends.

I would say this is fairly normal when you are part of the wedding party. Keep the engagement gifts and shower gifts to a minimum, don't go overboard. No one can expect anyone to keep shelling out more money. Skip the bachelorette party, especially if the bride and bridesmaids are years younger!