How Much Does Your Husband Help at Home?

WOW! I am so sorry about this! We would be fighting too if my husband acted that way! Sounds like he is totally disconnected from his family life and family responsibilities. Maybe you should try talking to him sometime when it's not in the "heat of the moment." Like after the kids are in bed and you can just have a conversation about what you need from him. Many men do not understand or appreciate what stay at home moms do to keep the family running. His job is over at 7 or 8pm, but when does yours stop? You can't possibly be "at work" 24 hours a day. You need time off too. Also, no job, especially parenting, can be done alone. I'm sure he has people at work who help him with his tasks. You need the same from him. If you have any couple friends who have "helpful husbands" it might be a good idea to spend some time with them. Maybe those husbands could be a good influence on yours.
Good Luck.

Hi L.,

Boy, do I hear you, sister!
I know all the "right" things to say to you, but I also empathize with you 100%!!!
First of all...Bless you and congratulations on your three boys! I have one boy (12) and one girl (22) and still I complain from time to time. I work with children as a social worker and fortunately it is now part time. Okay, enough about me. In general, I have found that men are not as concerned with the neatness of a house. My own husband says that I don't know how to relax. He can come home from work, plop down, and sit RIGHT NEXT to a pile of clean laundry right out of the dryer. GRRRRRR!!!
I also know that husband AND wives need to feel appreciated and valued. So often we get caught up in what the other one is doing that is wrong, we forget to compliment, encourage and thank each other.
And from my experience I need to ASK my son and husband to do things. "Please pick up your shoes. Please hang that towel up. Please take that dirty cup to the kitchen."
I do feel that I do 90% of the housework. I read about a study that found that in families even where the mom works outside of the home, the moms still do the majority of the housework. Occasionally I hire someone to clean, but my husband is not crazy about that. But it has saved my marriage, I'll tell you!
I wish I had something helpful to say to you. I adore my husband, but this situation has gotten pretty stressful several times in the last few years.
Hang in there, tell your husband how much you appreciate that he goes to work every day. Ask for help when you need it.

Good Luck!
D.

Wow, you are me! I have just finished reading "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Schlessinger (sp). It actually works. I totatlly recommend it. I did learn on my own several years ago to ask him to do stuff. He will do the same thing (obviously I need help and he ignores it), but if I ask him to take care of it (nicely, before I get upset) then he does it cheerfully. I truly believe men feel insulted it people offer to help them unless they ask for help, so they don't offer help to others for fear of upsetting them. Just say "Honey, could you please deal with the children's argument for me." Then the second most important thing is to let him do it his way after you asked for help. I had a bad habit of asking him to do the dishes and then coming behind him and redoing how he did it because I don't like how he does it. How insulting to him is that!! Of course he hated doing things for me! I sense that you are doing the same thing to your hubby. Please read the book open-mindedly, it has really helped us. It sounds extremely old fashioned, but he will do more, care more and be more loving! One more piece of advice, try not to engage in husband bashing with groups of negative people, it destroys your ability to go into situations with a positive attitude. In other words you will shoot yourself in the foot. Good Luck!

I think you need to find someway to hit the reset button so you can both step-back and figure this out. Can you go on a day or weekend trip alone? Visit your mom or something? Just inform him, leave him with the kids. Not in a way that you are storming off, but just like he does when he leave to "do his own thing" on the weekends, basically treating you like a babysitter.

Anyway, then he might get some hands on experience with your daily life and you can have a calm chat. How about a dinner away from the kids? Bill it as a strategy session for your next house that you plan out together. Judging from your explanation of his behavior, he's either a big jerk, or possibly stressed & depressed. Any changes at work lately? Let's assume he's depressed for some reason & not a jerk, and tell him you guys need to figure out how to move forward positively as a team, because the current "system" is not working - making you do everything and still leaving him unsatisfied for some reason.

Communication is key, all fights need to move the ball forward, figure things out so you don't have the same fight again. Good Luck.

Hi L.,
My husband does help me at home quite a bit, but I still need to ask. When I do ask, I need to accept that he's not going to jump THAT second to do it. He does the dishes, or cuts the grass, etc, when HE wants to. I know asking nicely is great, and then accepting that husbands just do things at their own pace (just like we do, except a little slower :) is the best advice I can give.
I understand wanting your husband to take the initiative to help without you having to ask is the issue.
I honestly think that men just don't see it. They don't put importance on whether the laundry is put away, etc. They want to come home from work and not have to do anything (who doesn't?)
It's just my opinion, but he knows you are going to grow impatient and do it anyway, so he's just waiting you out to get out of it.
Go on strike. clean up your stuff and your kids' stuff and leave his stuff. It might take a couple of weeks and a mess for him to notice, but he will.

Also, make plans, and leave the house earlier than he does on a weekend, so he can stay with the kids and you can go do whatever you want for a little while.
You already know that you are getting the short end of the stick. He's a cognitive, responsible adult and should understand that a household doesn't run itself. Keep asking, but try not to nag or argue, as those 2 things will just make it worse.
Good luck!

That is NOT the way a marriage should be! My husband helps as much as he can, but he works 11 or so hours a day trying to pay for our two mortgages (we're trying to sell a house). He would help more if he could. I suggest you consider going for marriage counseling. My husband and I have, and it has been great for us. You deserve better, girl! Good luck!

Wow, you have a tough situation. I would agree that these kids are BOTH parents' responsibilities. Here are some things I do that my husband tells me makes him want to do more for me. I tell him how much I appreciate his hard work, so that I can stay home with our daughter. I tell him I appreciate him taking care of all our financial burdens, that's a big responsibility. I make sure every time he does something to help, like the dishes, or make the bed, I make a big deal out of it, letting him know how much I appreciate the help, and how loved I feel, because he is helping me. I went to a Love and Respect conference with my husband, and it helped us realize that he needs to feel respected and we as women need to feel loved. It's not perfect always...but when I keep my focus off myself, and how much I'd really like him to help more, I try and see what is it that he's done (even if not to my perfect standard ;) ) that I can show appreciation for? Good luck to you, this is a struggle for a lot of people.

Wow, I didn't know my husband had another wife! No wonder he is so tired and only wants to sit in front of the TV...?!

We had that same argument, last May. Message me, anytime you need to vent with another "single mom in a marriage".

-K.

Trying to sell a house and show a house while living in it with children is so stressful! I can sympathize. The normal day to day challenges are enough with out that extra work and stress.
Maybe your husband seriously thinks you can do it all, and you need to calmly ask for help explaining that you can't (no one could.) Ask for help, and give him lots of praise when he does. Everyone needs praise, wouldn't it be great if he learned to praise you more too. Be careful how you ask for help, don't wait until you are totally frustrated. Be sure you are asking and not telling him what to do. "Can you help me with this in commercials?" "I really need help to get things done tonight, could you do this or this for me?" "Do you think you'll have time for the yard this weekend?"
I strongly believe in prayer. When I see something in someone that I know God would not like, I ask God to change that behavior or attitude. He will do it, and teach me how do deal with it at the same time.

Good luck, if you find something that really works please share it with us!