How Much Do You Plan Around Your Stepkid?

Hi there,

I used to be in your 9-year-old's position. As a child of divorce it can very difficult to feel like you "fit" completely on either side of your family, especially when both sides re-marry and start new families.

I remember having hurt feelings when my family would do things without me. Yes, I understood that life couldn't possibly stop when I was gone -- but when major things happened and I couldn't go because of a custody arrangement -- especially when no one had even asked my opinion on what I would have liked to have done -- I ended up with hurt feelings. I read some of the other posts -- I actually don't think she's being immature or adjusting or acting out for attention. I think she really has hurt feelings. If she lives with you during the week she thinks of you as her "main" family.

Here's a good rule of thumb for you: if one of your biological kids had a prior commitment and couldn't go along, would you try your best to work around them? If so, you should be doing the same for your stepdaughter -- even thought it's obviously more complicated because it is every other weekend and not once in a while. No, you can't always ONLY do fun things on every other weekend, but you should be working very hard to accommodate big things -- like birthday parties -- so she can be involved, otherwise it makes her feel like... a stepkid! Yuck!

So, no, it's not reasonable to ask your family to rearrange a party schedule for her, but I think the most obvious solution is to call her mom and tell her you have realized your stepdaughter's feelings are getting very hurt when she misses big things like this birthday party, and see if bio-mom is willing to be flexible with weekend visits. Sometimes she may have to go to her mom's 3 weekends in a row and then miss a few weekends so she can be included in things you do as a family. It's not that you (or your stepchild) are choosing doing something fun over seeing her biomom -- it's that you are making sure she is secure in her role in your family. If she is excluded from an event just because she has to go to her mom's house, it is just making her feel more like a stepchild than she already feels just by nature of being a stepchild.

The baptism is complicated because it means she absolutely has to go to mom's, right? Can you sit down and tell her you know she is sad that she has to miss this trip, but that you're sad she has too miss it too? Just to validate her feelings? Once my parents made me a video when we were in a similar situation - I had to miss the family Christmas party. Everyone said something nice about me and that they missed me and showed it to me when they got back. It meant SO much to me even though I acted like I didn't care. =) Maybe you can do something like that for her.

The best divorced/co-parent situations I know of where the parents work together all the time, even through gritted teeth, to make sure their child knows they are loved on all sides. It can be done and be done well. I think you and her bio-mom need to do whatever you can to communicate more and plan around making sure she can be at your house when she needs to be and at mom's house when she needs to be to be included in as much as possible. Could she go to mom's one night during the week instead if she was going to miss a weekend visit? (Hopefully her bio-mom can be level-headed!)

I have a good relationship with my stepmom after all these years, but they still have a professional family picture up in their house from a weekend that I wasn't there -- so obviously I wasn't in the picture. That picture STILL bugs me 25 years later. =)

It sounds like you really love your stepdaughter. Just remember that she probably needs extra assurance that you and your husband love her as much as you love your other kids.

I'd give the video thing a shot. Hang in there mama!

This is going to sound wierd, but do you have a good enough relationship to do the some fun things on moms weekend and invite mom along? The reason I ask is you mention you have a good relationship with her. When I was in my mid-late teens, mom had a boyfriend and my dad actually got along with him. One year, we went on a week long vacation - it was mom and boyfriend and his daughter, me and my sister and our dad. We had quite a nice time! This kind of thing makes a FABULOUS impression on a kid. When the adults are acting like adults and considering the kids feelings, it's great.

I DON'T think you should NOT do things when she's with her mom, but it's understandable that she's upset - she's only a kid and she's missing some fun. If her mom's open to it, maybe the "gang fun time" is the best solution. It'll still be her weekend, but everybody wins. Good luck!

I think you can only do your best. This is a maturity thing. She is only 9 and sounds like a typical kid. It is good you all get along, that is a gift to her and to all of you.

I do agree that the Renn Fest, maybe her mom would switch?.. That is a fun event and the more the merrier. If she went with her mom she would not have near as much fun as with you guys.

She also needs to understand that she gets to do lots of things you all do not get to do and that is just the way it is.. Has your husband spoken with his ex about all of this? The girls mother needs to also teach or at least help her daughter understand this situation.

I am sending you strength and [patience. I think you sound like you are doing a great job.

Pouting about not getting to do the fun things on her weekends with you is a whole lot easier for a 9 year old girl than analyzing the real reasons she feels insecure and unhappy. She may come off as a bit spoiled or manipulative but hopefully if she tantrums over that, then she'll get more attention from you guys, which is probably the real issue. Maybe instead of addressing the specifics of your schedule on why she can't go to Wisconsin, you could change the subject to planning a dinner for a night you guys will be spending together.

Well she lives with you guys full time, so I could see why she is upset that you do things without her. Her dad and mom need to explain to her that she is so loved that everyone wants her and the time has to be split up. Certain dates can't be changed but why can't you guys change the wknd with the mom and make it up later by her having your step daughter 2 wknds in a row? And yes you should have plans while she is away but I would make every effort for the fun stuff to fall on her wknds with you, aside from Renn fair, it seems that you do. She is 9 and just needs to feel secure and she obviously loves being with you guys and feels less part of the family when she misses an event. Communication and letting her air her feelings is your best route.

As someone who was never a stepchild, nor has stepchildren... take this with the appropriate salt required:

My parents would plan fun stuff without us all the time. Either without ALL the children, or without 1 or more of the children.

Their reasons were as sound as yours... prior commitments. If I was in camp, and that's when X happened, I missed it. If my sister had a skate competition in SF all of us but her missed it. If *I* had something going on, everyone else BUT me missed it. On top of that, we'd occasionally all be sent somewhere "fun" (friend's or relatives) for a weekend to a week while our parents did something together. (From weddings, to trips alone, to househunting).

Yes were all periodically sad/ ticked/ felt left out/ threw fits (you don't love me, kind of fits)... and sometimes we were "fine" with it (when we thought our "thing" was cooler than the thing we were missing out on).

2 lines I heard a lot as a child:

1) No one gets to do everything

2) Life isn't fair. The world isn't fair. So we do the best we can IN OUR FAMILY to make things fair, but they won't always be. A mark of character is how we deal with things that aren't fair to us personally, AND for others when the unfairness is in our favor.

I do not have a step child however my son does have a stepdad and a stepmom and I have stepparents as well. I completely understand your stepdaughter's perspective. It is great that you are simpathetic to her feelings and are trying to include her as much as possible.

As for your brother's birthday, that is completely understandable and since that is the weekend of an important event in her family it is reasonable for things to go as planned. As for going out of town w/ friends, I personally would have planned to go when she could go even if my friends couldn't. That is just me though.

I think for family events, you should make every effort to plan them when she is going to be with you. If something arises that can't be when she is with you, you should talk to her mom and see about switching visitations (that way she is there are part of the family AND still gets the time w/ her mom so no one is really missing out). I don't mean to sound like you shouldn't do anything when she is not with you but the big things should be planned around her being with you if at all possible.

Not doing so makes her feel like she isn't really part of either family...approaching teen years is not a good time for that to happen!

I think you need to put yourself in your step-daughter's position and think how this poor nine year old girl feels! She has her father four days a month and he has his new family every day. That is awful! Both of you should be pushing for more time with her, fostering a relationship with her dad, planning things with her or just having her with you so she is not left out. I'm sure she feels like a visitor in your home instead of having that as a second home. Some things can't be rescheduled but it sounds like you are making excuses (You don't want to sit home when she is not there??). She is nine....she knows she wants to be with her dad and you should be doing everything in your power to be the best step mom and involve her more than you are. Daughter's relationships are so important with their dads.

I see on your profile that your stepdaughter is 8 years old...I don't know how long her parents have been divorced...but it takes a while for a child to adjust to these major upheavals in their lives. I also don't know how long you have been married to her Dad, and what your relationship is with her.
I would not argue with her about these things, I would tell her that you wish she could have been with you for XYZ but it fell on the weekend that she was with her Mom.
If you can arrange to have the "fun things" on "her weekend"..then I would do it but when it is things like out of town birthday parties, especially for your side of the family, I would talk about it as little as possible around her and just go ahead and attend the function. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job of involving her in your lives and you are to be commended for being a great step mom..it is a hard job ...I know because I started out as a step mom myself!!!
I see what the other Mom said about inviting the the Mom along, maybe with a boyfriend if everyone gets along. That would be the perfect solution but ONLY if all parties can get along!!! My husband of 41 years would never...and I mean NEVER go anywhere with his exwife...no way...but I have seen divorced couples who do get along well for the sake of the children. If you can work something like that out occassionally, then I say go for it!! But be careful, you don't want your step daughter to get the idea that somehow Mom and Dad are going to get back together!!