How Long Is Too Long to Let 9 Month Old "Cry It Out"?

Hey S. - don't feel bad. I just recently got my 20 month old son to take naps and go to bed at night on his own. I used to always lay down with him until he fell asleep, and then either take the nap with him or put him in his crib after he was already asleep. (I work nights from home, so it helped me out to nap with him - he seemed to take longer naps if he was cuddling with me too.) But, I've had to break him of that since I now have a 2 month old daughter and they don't sleep at the same time.
I would never let him cry that long. He also gets choked up and would actually vomit. One thing that helped was to get him on a set schedule - he goes to sleep at the same exact time every day. After a while, he would tell me it was time for his nap. Then, I started holding him in the rocking chair to get him to sleep and then put him in his crib. Eventually, I would put him in his crib awake. He would cry at first and after 5 minutes, I would go in and hold him and put him back in his crib. I would do that as many times as it would take. Just don't give in and lay down with him when he cries. It didn't take long for him to go to sleep on his own in his crib without even crying at all.
I hope this helps - just be patient, kind and persistent.

I just wanted to second the Happiest Baby on The Block book. And also say that IMHO if you are going to do a form of CIO then 30 min is the max, and I wouldn't even go on that long unless it was a little cry, not a screaming really upset one. I did the Babywise method loosely w/my first kid and I never let go more than 30 min, she learned, but I felt bad too. Good Luck!

Hi, I think you may have gotten similar advice already, but when my oldest was a baby we would rock him, read a story and then put him in his crib. He would start crying, we would wait 10 minutes, and then go in and comfort him a little, dont pick up, just rub his back - then leave for another 10 minutes until he was asleep. It did take awhile, but was worth it. We also had a tape of lullaby music that was soothing. Good luck!

I had the same problem with all five of my children (or maybe it was with me? Hmm...) I refused to let them cry it out. I was lucky enough to be a SAHM, so the most pressing things I "had to get done" were taking care of the other children, taking them to school, etc. But we managed. Have you tried letting her fall asleep with you in your bed (taking care that she can't fall out, pillow surrounds, bed rails, or putting your mattress right on the floor) then creeping out after she falls asleep? this worked with all of mine. Still takes a long time to get them down, but you get some alone time. That is if you don't fall asleep yourself next to your little bundle of sweet smelling warmth. Which isn't the worst thing for a new mom. My three year old and two year old still need someone in the room to fall asleep. I am sure other parents would scream, but i let my kids fall asleep to quiet childrens television when they are old enough to be interested. a channel like noggin with no commercials, or a low energy kids DVD. Gives them something to focus on, so they don't realize you are trying to put them down. Another thing we used was a baby bottle of water. My kids all nursed to sleep, so giving them something to suck on that wouldn't harm their teeth somehow soothed them into sleepiness. You can start with watered down breast milk (or formula or juice if you don't want to pump), and slowly add more water every day until they don't realize it has become water. It's not great for her teeth but if it only takes you a week or two to get her on full water it might be worth it. Helps if you make it warm like breastmilk. Also, create a bedtime, naptime routine. Put crib in darkest area of house, play a soft CD, the same everytime. When you change diaper right before sleep, spend an extra few minutes rubbing some baby lotion into her arms, legs, torso in soft, downward motions. Rock her, sing to her, or lay her in crib if she'll let you, till she's mostly asleep, (have crib rail down before you do this! hard to do with one arm) then gently move her to crib. If it's the crib that freaks her out (it did mine, they woke up during every transfer) try putting the crib mattress on the floor so she can't get hurt (assuming the nursery is childproofed) and sitting on it next to her while she listens to a soft CD and goes to sleep. Then when she is asleep you sneak off and get to work. Leave a baby monitor on so you can hear when she gets up if the room is not childproofed. The transistion to actually sleeping in a crib will come after she gets used to waking up alone, and staying asleep not on your shoulder. Another thing- will she fall asleep in a stroller? I frequently took my kids for a walk, buckled up in the stroller till they fell asleep, then parked them near a stereo for cover noise so I could do my thing and see when they woke up, but they were buckled safely in. On rainy days we strolled inside the house which takes longer :)
Most of all, don't listen to people if they are telling you to do something that goes against every bone in your body. Letting my children cry themselves to sleep was never an option for me. Not that I didn't try. I am not a sappy mushy parent, I believe in raising self sufficient children, independent thinkers. I insist my children show all adults and people respect, they are well behaved, well disciplined kids. Maybe they are that way because they didn't cry to sleep??? But I also believe as a parent you do what you feel strongly about, and that was one for me. The few times I've been talked into doing something with my kids because other people thought it was the right idea, I regret each of them to this day. Especially crying it out. since i ended up doing it how it worked for us in the long run, now I look back and wonder why I ever put them through it in the first place. I knew it was wrong for us then. I've learned now to trust the mother bear voice inside. Follow your instincts and you'll be doing what is best for your daughter. All children are different. The strong will she's showing now is the same strength you want her to have later to stand up to peer pressure and those nasty teenage boys! Hard to remember, I know, I have two strong daughters. But now they are older it is the not-so-strong willed one I worry most about, not the other two. Good luck...and enjoy your daughter.

I HIGHLY recommend the book "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" by Dr. Richard Ferber. He is the leading expert on children and sleep in the US. He recommends a gradual extinction method of crying it out, where you go in and comfort your baby at various intervals to let them know you are still there. I liked it because I didn't feel like I was abandoning my daughter, and she knew I was close by. By using Dr. Ferber's advice from his book, she learned how to comfort herself to sleep in less than a week at 5 months old and has been an excellent sleeper ever since! Our biggest problem was naps too, and he has an entire chapter dedicated to naps. Let me know if you get the book and how you like it!

My sister in law swears by two books: The Happiest Baby on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp (also available on DVD), and Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, by Marc Weissbluth. I was able to purchase them both on ebay for cheaper than in stores & I will be using the techniques on my new baby when he arrives, as I've seen how well it worked with my nephew. You could also try your local library to see if they have the books. GL!!

I agree with making sure you're putting her down for a nap as soon as she gets tired.
Is there a reason you don't want to nurse her to sleep anymore? I think that is perfectly acceptable to do. It will take some time for her to get used to sleeping without you there, but it will happen with persistence.
FWIW, I don't believe in making a baby cry it out, but I know there are people who swear by it. I think 1 - 1 1/2 hours is a long time for her to cry.
Also check out The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. She discusses naps and how much sleep babies need at each age.

Read "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer"-- skip to the back to "accidental parenting". Basically, you need to untrain her to fall asleep without crutches like nursing and rocking her. You can actually do this without making her cry it out. It takes a TON of patience and persistance, but in a few days you'll have a great sleeper if you can stick it out. She's waking after 20 minutes because she's looking for the crutch that helped her fall asleep. With no crutch, she'll wake after 20 minutes and roll over and go right back to sleep. The basics are... go in and lay her back down (she'll pop back up, that's OK) and tell her it's sleepy time and you love her. Lay her back down and keep doing it over and over and over... and over again. The book said one mom had to do it over 100 times in a row-- I counted with my son and it took like 30 times the first time... less and less each day. But basically, you're teaching her that crying and sitting up will only get her a broken record of you saying the same thing and laying her back down. She'll wear herself out faster with this method than just having her scream her lungs out, and it's more humane because she won't feel abandoned.

Hi S.,

Have you tried not putting her in her crib to go to sleep and just putting her to sleep first then laying her down? My girls would have a hard time going to sleep on their own so I would let them have a bottle (my little one...a thumb) and rock them until they fell alseep. After they were sleep, I would then lay them down because they were pretty deep sleepers. Thank God.

I would only try to get them to take a nap when I knew they were sleepy because it would take me even longer to get them to sleep if they weren't. If she is a pretty good baby when it comes to playing by herself without you around and you have a playpen. Let her play herself to sleepiness while you do what you have to do. Once she is sleepy, then help her go to sleep and lay her down afterwards.

HTH,
V.

I have a 18 month old and we do the same thing! She has always napped with me in bed or on the couch and I used to get so stressed about it but now I dont mind. #1 it is a great bonding time between you and your little one to get some quiet time instead of the hustle and bustle of every day life. And #2 it gives you a little time to relax. I felt guilty for forever that I would lay down with her in the middle of the day like that but then one day I just let it go. And now I just embrace my time with my little one. Usually if I do feel like I need to get up I can sneak away from the couch or bed and make her a "pillow fort" and check on her often. I know this is not ideal, but if it works for you in your home than that is OK! If there is anything I have learned it that there is SO MANY gray areas in parenting and I feel like this is one of them. If it is really important for you to get her in her crib then good luck and let me know if anyone has amazing advice:) Otherwise dont sweat it. I just decided that there are plenty of other things to sweat! This did not have to be one of them:) Good luck!!

Hi S.,

You had said she's now down to two long naps a day. That's really good compared to catnapping. How about getting her to sleep by nursing, rocking, whatever, and then leaving the room and keep her on a baby monitor?

IMHO I would not let a 9-month-old cry it out, even for a few minutes. It would be better for her to sleep on your shoulder or in a sling for awhile yet. But if your sanity is at stake (and I have been there too!) you can go a lot more slowly than the extreme of leaving her to cry it out.

I second what the previous responder, Hallie, said.

Good Luck : )

First of all, if the way you were doing things worked for you then you cannot consider it to be the "wrong way" or be upset with yourself for waiting so long. I have one son who is 16.5 months old and I am currently expecting my second baby any day now and only when I got pregnant did I begin to put him down for a nap without rocking him to sleep. I would let him cry for about 10-15 minutes and then I would get him and rock him until he was almost fully asleep and then I would put him down. It took a while, but after about a month he began to get the idea that Mommy couldn't rock him to sleep anymore and would go to sleep on his own. I do have a "piano" (I think it is a fisher price toy) in his crib that he likes to make play music to him to fall asleep. I also keep a radio on quietly in his room. The added noise seemed to help some because whenever I'd rock him to sleep I'd have the TV on, so I think the noise comforts him. I think as long as you take it little by little and start putting her down very drowsy and not wide awake you should be ok. You just have to try different things to figure out what works for you. My pediatrician told us that "No baby ever died from crying" but I can only take so much myself. I hope you find something that works for the two of you. It is difficult to hear them cry, but be strong, you can do it and it will benefit you both in the end when you daughter can put herself to sleep as she gets older!

My daughter hates naps too. For a long time I would have to lay on the couch with her on my chest and watch TV. I'd rub her back and as long as she was still she'd go to sleep. Once I knew she was out, I'd put her in her bed. That worked for a long time. She's almost 5 now and take naps once in a while. After lunch she usually likes to watch a video and will sometimes fall asleep then. Although she could use one everyday. I don't force it. It's more trouble than its worth. On the days she doesn't take one, I put her to bed a little early. The other day she was tired and crawled up on me then asked me to go sit on the couch. She actually wanted a nap. If crying it outs not working try another approach. Good luck!

J.

You being so upset is your inner voice telling you this isn't right for your child! BTW, its also part of the stage for a 9 month old to be clingy, trust me, my daughter was born jan 17th! Sounds like she's not learning to sleep, but learning fear and distrust. http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNe...

good luck

maybe when u know shes tired go for a walk and see if she'll nod off and leave her in the stoller or something.

I would definately stop the CIO method. I never did it and I think it is wrong for her to cry more than 20 minutes. She does need that bond with you in order to grow up to be a independant and self assured child. I always rocked my son to sleep. If you rock her to sleep or nurse her to sleep, can't you lay her down after that? Odds are, you can find somewhere she likes to sleep, besides on you. I agree with laying down next to her crib and sneaking out, maybe try a sound machine of some kind like they sell at Bed Bath and Beyond. If not, a swing or bouncing seat?
It wasn't until around 15 months old that my son could fall asleep on his own after some rocking. Before then, he had to fall completely asleep before I put him down. he is now 2.5 and I still rock him, but just for 5 minutes or so and then put him in his crib to sleep. He has always been wonderful, so don't worry about the fact that she isn't doing it on her own yet, no matter what other people/books might say.

Hi S.,

I know how hard this is... my daughter never was a 15-20 one either, but after 35 minutes or occasionally more, would usually settle herself down. This was always at night. I think you have multiple problems... first is her attachment to you and breaking that habit. This will be hardest to change, b/c she's gotten used to it, but it can be done (not without crying though!). Second, she may be teething on top of not wanting to break the routine, and who knows, the hour or more crying could be related to that too. Perhaps some baby motrin would help about 30 minutes beforehand or some herbal teething tablets. I started using a sound machine when my daughter was around 10 months and that seemed to help with outside distractions, noises, etc. Also, remember to stick to a schedule and be sure that you're not keeping her up too long at a time... an overtired baby will sleep less, not more.... she's still a little one and you have to make sure her tummy is full, she's had plenty of play time and she's ready for bed. :) I'm sure you do that, but just wanted to reiterate it. Routine is what has saved my life and made my girl a very secure little toddler who totally knows when it's time for bed!

You can always try the other method, which is to stay in the room but not engage with her or look at her or hold her or nurse her. When my little one gets totally worked up, that's all that works. I have to stay in the room until she falls asleep or we start all over again. But that's rare now. There is a variation where you move your chair closer to the door and after 10 days, should be able to put her down and leave without any crying. Not sure what it's called.

Good luck!
K.

I feel for you. I got a book called Good Night Sleep Tight, this lady has a different approach than the cry it out method. I couldnt stand to do that with my kids, doesnt sound like you can either. I wish you were closer to me, I'd give you my copy of the book. Her approach is all about training them to get themselves to sleep and nap on their own, but with the comfort of knowing that you are still there. It's tough at first but works wonders. You can look around on the internet and see the basics of what the program is about or send me a note and I can tell you a little about it. Good luck!

Hi S.,

I just saw your post from last year about your daughter and her sleep challenges. How is it going? She sounds just like my 9.5 month old boy. I, too, let him sleep in my arms during naps until a few days ago.

Thank you for your advice, suggestions, lessons learned, and helpful hints.

S.

i had that issue with my youngest and the only thing that worked for me was a swing, i would recline it put her in and set it then she would doze and i was free yet she could be in with me whereever i was.

Hey gal, Welcome to the site! You might want to try and lay on the floor of her room for a few minutes so she knows that you are there. Bring your pillow and blanket just in case you are there for a little while.

for anyone else reading this another way exists:

http://www.askdrsears.com/

as well as FOLLOWING YOUR INSTINCTS!!

that's just my 2 cents!

I think about 10 minutes of letting her cry it out is long enough. What worked for me is this. I would put my daughter to sleep, and I would pretend to go to sleep next to her. I would rub her back until she fell asleep. Then sneak out of the room. Babies need to develop a trusting bond with parents. Therefore, letting a child cry for long periods of time is scary for them, and they will learn not to trust you. If your method is not working for you, I would suggest trying something completely different, like what I did w/ my daughter. My daughter is 2 now, and I still use the same method of putting her to sleep. Now it only takes me about 5-10 minutes to put her to sleep, and then I have plenty of time to do other stuff while she's napping. Good luck to you, and remember if something doesn't work, try something different. Don't make your baby cry for hours on end.

R..

I totally know what you are going through. When my now two and half year old was your daughter's age he too was an incredibly bad sleeper at night and during the day. He was colicky as an infant which led to all kinds of bad choices by me and his dad just to steal some bit of sleep. My closest friend started encouraging me to try the cry it out method when he was about 8 - 9 months and for us it did work eventually.

Some of the things that worked for us was to lay him down around three hours after he was up for his morning nap -- if up around 6:00 we laid him down around 9:00 and the same for afternoon -- up at 10:30/11 down around 2:00 - 3:00. He was always cranky if he stayed up longer than this and it would be harder to get him to sleep. Next we would lay him down after rocking or feeding bottle/nursing or cuddling and tell him it was nap time and leave the room. He always immediately started crying at first. I would let him go for 15 - 20 minutes then go in and comfort (try not to pick him up just lay him down and pat on back) for a few minutes then leave again. And wait 15 - 20 minutes and go in again. The first few times I or my husband went in at least 3 to 4 times before he would sleep -- so it took over an hour to get him to sleep. And sometimes the nap was less than an hour which made it feel like such a huge waste of time. But eventually I only went in two times, then one time, then we found that he would cry when I first laid him down - I go in after two minutes and comfort and he'd fall asleep.

It was heaven... unfortunately we have moved a lot and I have had varying job responsibilities as a professor so his scheduled has changed a lot. In and out of day care and so on. But I found that at his last day care he was the first to retrieve his mat when asked and the first to fall asleep and the one who slept the longest. I couldn't believe they were telling me about my son.

When he is at home now he likes to take naps on my bed. Who am I to argue. He crashes pretty quickly and takes a good two hour nap most days. (one nap a day now)

Good luck -- there is a magic formula but only your daughter knows what it is... keep trying things, she'll let you know when it is right for her. (the cry it out probably doesn't work only after a few tries -- she knows you will cave maybe...)

D.

You poor thing:) unfortunately we all find out in our own way that not all children are alike and therefore a routine that works for one will not work for another. My son was pretty much the same way. I was lucky if I could get him down for one good nap a day. My alternative to forcing a nap on him was play time. When I had things to do I would set up a designated play area for him and give him lots of things to keep him entertained. I would even put on an educational video such as Leap Frog Alphabets. This worked well for me because after a while I would check in on him and he would have fallen asleep all on his own.
Remember that the designated play area should be in an area where she doesn't have a direct view of you. This will hopefully encourage her to entertain herself. She will cry at first but hopefully not as bad as you say she does now.
C.

I was in the same boat as you with my first born. You aren't the first mother to let your babe fall asleep on you or nurse to sleep. I tried the "cry it out" and it didn't work for either of us for the same reasons you cited. What I finally did was stick him in his car seat and take a short drive at nap time. He would fall asleep and because it was cool out, I could pull the car into the garage, turn it off, leave two doors open *and* leave open the door into the house. Over the course of a month, he learned to fall asleep on his own without the car ride - or nursing or me - and could go in his crib.

there's a lot of good advice on here. i used to nurse my son to sleep until he started to finish before he fell asleep. then i would walk w/ him, but every night i had to walk a little bit longer until i was pacing our hall for 2 hours every night. i was desperate (and achy) so i tried the ferber method. he cried for over 2 hours the first night, i checked in on him every 15 min. every night after that he cried for less time and with in a week i could put him to bed while he was a little sleepy and he would cry for maybe 5 min and then go to sleep. this is my cry it out success story. it was really hard to let him cry those first few nights, but i couldn't keep doing the walking him to sleep. by the time i would get him to sleep my neck and back hurt and my arms were numb. i'm glad i stuck it out. i'm not sure if the cry it out method will work for naps, cuz i'm thinking by the time they fall asleep, "nap time" will be over? i saw this on nanny 911 once. try putting her in the crib and sitting quietly next to while telling her it's naptime and she needs to go to sleep. then, everyday, sit further away from the crib and closer to the door. even if she doesn't sleep, make it quiet time and try not to interact or look out her. in the nanny episode, they eventually made it out of the door. i've never tried this, but it couldn't hurt to share it w/ you.

Good luck to you and let us know what happened.

Get the book, "On Becoming Baby Wise", Vol I, by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. I have two children, now ages 9 and 11, but this book saved my life and my mental health. It teaches you how to teach your baby how to sleep through the night. It also covers a lot of other stuff including how many naps they should be getting at what age.

It's a lightweight paperback. You can order it thru Amazon or Books a Million usually stocks it.

Good luck!
L.

HI-
I too am going through this process. My son is 4 mos & we jjust began the cry0it-out method about 1 1/2 wks ago. The first night, he cried for 2 hrs 45 mins. Of course we checked on him every 5-10 minutes that first day. The next night was shorter, around 1 1/2 hrs & we stretched the check-in time a little longer, starting at 10 mins & going up to 15. Each day we extend the check time by about 5 mins. We watch him closely on the video monitor & go in when he's flipped over on his stomach or just needs repositioning. He doesn't give it up easily & he is crying very hard as I type this. I have gotten better at it. I was like you at first. It's definitely not easy, but I cannot be ruled by nursing him to sleep & laying down with him daily...it just doesn't work anymore. We were also trying the "Happiest Baby on the Block" routine, where you swaddle, shush, swing, etc. It worked for a time, then it didn't anymore. He breaks out of the swaddle in minutes & he's too heavy to be bouncing on the exercise ball until he falls asleep. So, the book that I read that has given me the willpower to go through with this is "Sleeping through the Night" by Jodi Mindell, PhD. She talks about the struggles & feeling guilty, etc. & guides you through how to master the approach. Not that I have, yet!
I wish you luck & patience. I do have to say though, exch time we put him down at night, after his bath (as the book stresses having a bedtime routine) he screams for a shorter time. Some days it's down to 1/2 hour & there has even been an occasional nap where he only fights it for 10 minutes. Those are the times that make us feel like we are doing the right thing & that he is learning the routine.

Stick with it & eventually, she'll get better at it.

K.