How Does It Come to This....

I dont know how it gets there,but this fir you.I come from a similar marriage and have been married for 21 yrs.It has even come to the point that we sleep in different rooms.We have six childern and they range from 14 to 26 now,it has always been very hard for me.He work nights for a long time maybe the first ten yrs.We divorce for a couple of years.He went on with his life stay with his parents and I kept the kids which I didn't mind,but like you we have never done things together the only family thing we do is when we go to his moms house.
He know what he does he just does care.to this day if we havw a problem I have to call his mom to talk to him.(He is 45)The girls don't want us to sperate and he has them where he wants them.I have tried to leave but then it ends up in me getting left with nothing.He works for the post office and is in the AIR FORCE RES.Since we have been married he leaves one weekend out of the month and every year he leaves for 2to3 weeks for traing usally over seas he has been everywhere;China,japan,korea,hawaii,germany,florida,califorina,washington,new york.I myself have been here in texas my whole life.He has not taken me or done anything special ever.You are a stay at home my.Do you your kids go to public schools because what I did was throw myself into helping them with everything.I took my little ones in a stroller.I help teachers in class rooms I made copies I help organize events I was in the P.T.A I did bulletin boards and i always went on field trips.My hand swere always fill with the kids but I think this also taught them how to be still.I took my kids everywhere with me.
Please put yourself first I been through alot and the one thing I learned is that your kids wont be happy if your not
.We decided to stay together for now , but I know with time that thing are changing for me.I have decided to change my life and act like he is not around.Maybe if you start doing more your realize that you have not been home and start wanting to know where you are and get more involve with you and the kids to go museums or read books from the library.Dont stay home that only depress you more.
The Princees

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Imagine you are out at sea and the wind has really picked up, and the sale is not working very well, you will not drown but you can imagine all helpless you feel. Hang in there this will be one of those times you will treasure when you get older and just pray that you can go thru it.

Try a get away, maybe do some volunteer work that may have a nursery, or try the YMCA during the day they have a day care and just chat about the world with other MOMs , this will take your mind away from your storm and maybe make you see it is not that bad.

If financially this is not possible try your church, help out stuffing envelopes or something where you are busing doing something for someone else and your kids are near by.

14 years and 4 kids are worth fighting for, so please hang in there, the grass always looks greener from across the street.

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I would love to talk with you more about this. email me at ____@____.com if you want to chat more

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Hi, J.,
Reread your note as if you were listening to someone else. What does it sound like to you? You know the answers deep inside your gut. Listen to it and then pray for direction. What is making you tolerate what is going on? Do you have earning potential? Is it more than just having come from a "broken" home? Can you find a mom's group in the town where you live? That may fill the need for adult companionship and provide social contact for your children too. Best wishes for sorting this out. I will keep you in my prayers.

M.

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There are two books you should get to read. I actually got them on tape from the library. One is The Proper Care and Feeding of your Marriage and the other is The Proper Care and Feeding of your Husband. Both are by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (not sure if I spelled the name right) I think you might find both helpful.

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First off - what exactly have you talked to him about? That you need help? That you need him home more? Because if your DH is anything like mine, he needs specifics. What really helped me - write him a letter. It took me 10 pages and a week to go over it (and over and over)....but I was able to make my points, give him specifics of how we can fix the problem (ie, that day off should be a family day, and once a month HE needs to suggest a family activity), and most importantly - make it an issue between the 2 of you UNITED. Don't blame him, or make him feel guilty, or any of that. Just let him know that you feel there's a problem with your family right now and you both need to sit down and do things to fix it together. And this letter contains your suggestions. I gave DH the option to talk to me, or write a letter back after he read my letter. He wanted to talk and about 6 months later, things are definitely great. He honestly didn't know that there was a problem (he was working 5 AM - 9 PM most days, on his day off he played XBox). Now he's much more of a family man.

On your sadness - stop relying on him to "fix things" and take the reigns. Only YOU can make yourself happy. Your DH has friends, so get your own friends - look up moms groups in the area. It's really not for the kids, it's for the moms to get together and chat. Find something you like - a hobby, a part-time job from home, whatever - that you can enjoy during the day instead of stressing that he isn't home to help you. Don't make your entire day about housekeeping, the kids, etc - find some time for yourself (and yes, this CAN be done - your older kids can play outside on their own while the little one naps, and you can sit out there on the porch with a good book!). Even if it's only 20 mins, it will give you something to look forward to and make you feel human again. Life is too short to be miserable and pretend that everything is "ok" when it's not.

As far as the in-laws go - no one can run over you without your permission. My MIL is from Hell. I am serious. She was nasty before DH and I got married, and she still is. I don't expect DH to talk to her about how she treats me, because that's the way she is and she's not going to change - and honestly, it's not DH's problem that it annoys ME! So you know you've got gossipy in-laws - stop trying to change them and change how you DEAL with them instead. I personally screen phone calls. I haven't talked to the ILs on the phone in over 10 years because I don't want to. And I don't HAVE to, either - I'm an adult, it's my decision. So what if I come across as rude? It's saved my sanity. And when they're here, I just tune out all the negative things my MIL says. It's really quite easy once you've done it for a while...she'll go on and on about something I've done wrong and I'm thinking of what color I want to paint the living room instead! Gossip is nothing more than unpleasant noise. Unless it's causing your family serious issues (ie, you've lost friends or the bank won't loan you money because of something they've "heard"), then just tune it out. And feel sorry for these people....they have nothing better to do with their time??? That's just sad.

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J.,
My name is P., my husband was my best friend until we had kids. Then I didn't know WHO he was. We NEVER saw him - very similar to what you're going thru. For an example, our oldest was taken C-section the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, we came home from the hospital on Monday and he flew out on Tuesday morning and was gone for 2 weeks.

I started a babysitting co-op so I could get out the house alone and go to the grocery store, lunch with a friend, doctor and haircuts. I joined MOPS and a church (that had a Mother's Day out program). I can't begin to tell you what a difference it's made in MY life. You can't change him or his family, but you can change your attitude towards both. PRAY for them, get involved with a Bible study (BSF and CBS are both wonderful and provide child care, if you tell me where you live I can find out if either of them have classes near you). You can not sit around with a woe-is-me attitude or everything will spiral downhill out of control.

There are lots of ways to get breaks from the kids, I've named 2 (babysitting co-op and going to Bible Study), anywhere you can be with adults that the kids are not around will help. I know that once you join a church - preferrably one with a Mothers Day out program, they usually have scholarships available for those in need or a partial pay plan. Whatever you have to give up to get them into a program - DO IT. It'll be the best gift you've ever given to yourself.

Divorce was never an option for me either. your 5 year old will be in school in the fall, get involved with the school. YOU'VE got to make your life pleasant instead of focusing on what your husband's NOT doing. He's obviously taking time to do what HE needs if he's going out with the guys or doing a project with friends. YOU need to stop nagging him - that'll never get you what you want. Have you read the book the five love languages? You may want to - it really helped me. Also Wild at Heart my help you understand and appreciate men in general. I know with so many little ones you probably don't have much time to read, but if you do in small spurts, they'll both help. Focus on the kids, they're small for such a short time and enjoy each stage they're going thru. Have them help with stuff around the house - you'd be surprise how much they can actually do and are willing to do!!

Honestly, you've got stop expecting your husband to come thru for you. If he does - what a great suprise it'll be - but don't count on it. You've been given 5 gifts - 4 kids and the opportunity to stay home and mold them into fabulous human beings. DO IT!! Your positive attitude will make a difference in YOUR life and the lives of those 4 children.

I wish you all the best - I'm always willing to listen - and I've been there and have come out the other end. I'm turning 50 soon, my kids are 16 and 14 and Rick and I are friends again. I've never found out why things were so bad when they were growing up and it no longer matters to me.

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please stay in the marriage. all women feel like that what save me at one time was church. find one that you like,get very active with other moms all of a sudden you will have more friends and will be happy most of the time. do not tell them (other women) your problems. that will start you off on a bad foot. they usually have a type of day care and will give u a respit from 4 lively kids. keep working on your marrriage, maybe with the pastor or what ever at the church. also go to a doc and get some anti depressants to get you over the hump. give time to those less fortunite, when you give time you will find your self happy. been there and did that with help of my church and all is good now, we had really serious problems too, which we over came. now life is great. and we work to gether to solve our problems and it feels good. do you live in mission or parkhurst area? if so i have friends there who might help. good luck D. @ ____@____.com please let me know???????

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Hi, J.,
First, let me tell you what a wonderful and difficult job you are doing. Being a stay at home mom is HARD!!! I am a social worker who works with children and I know that you are working at a job that is making our whole society a better place! But that's a completely different conversation...
I was married for 12 years to wonderful man who worked A LOT!! (travel,too). It was okay until I quit work to stay home with my new baby. Oh, my...I was so lonely! I finally joined a mom's group (Thank God!) and saw other moms and babies once a week. That kept my sanity. It will take a little time before you build a network in your new home, but you'll be able to do it.
I am in awe of you taking care of 4 kids! They are lucky to have you and so is your husband. Sometime, when you and he are getting along, be sure to remind him how much you appreciate him and all his hard work-he sounds like a good guy! ;-)
I ended my first marriage due to the stresses of two careers, etc. I'm not going to bore you with that story. I'm now married again to another nice guy. I'm 50 and have a 21 year old
and a 12 year old-both amazing people.
I didn't mean to go on so much about myself.
J., Hang in there..communicate woith your husband as much as you can. From my experience, guys are not like us. They need clear, detailed directions about what we want and need.
Good Luck to you and your wonderful family!
D.

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Hi Jean, Whew..first off take a deep breath and realize that what you are feeling is what most us women feel 80% of the time too! My husband and I both work full time jobs, and of course he is the main provider for our home, but it doesn't mean he has the right to distant himself from his responsibilities as a father. Don't get me wrong he tries, if I didn't make him do what he does he wouldn't, he'd leave the job to me.

You sound like your ready to break so you need to find some support group, either mom's club, or church group. Search the web for things in your area, and look for lost cost child care events, like "mom's day out" or Kids world, you drop off your child and pay x amount per hr., even if it is for just an hr and week go get a pedicacure, or meet a friend for lunch or get a message! But do something for you. You also need to let your husband know your thoughts, he may not want to hear them but it is not good to keep it all in!

Hope my advice helps a bit, I know how difficult it can get I too have 4 and some days I do feel like a single parent just because of my husbands long hours away!

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After 11 yrs of marriage and 2 kids we are also on the verge of divorce. I feel more like roommates than friends and we definitely need to reconnect. You have to get some time away from those kids for your sanity! Don't ask if you can go, just tell your husband that you have a hair /manicure appt, or plans to see a movie, etc. and write it on the calendar. Does any of his family live close enough to babysit? Not a thing you can do about the gossip so put them to work! Sounds like your husband may need to be reminded of his priorities. Silly to work 6 days a week to support a family that he never spends time with. Let him know the kids miss him. Talk him up to your kids during the day. Tell them to be sure to show their Daddy their neat drawing when he gets home, or when they ask you something, say, "Oh Daddy knows all about that, and I'm sure he'd love to tell you about it." When Mom is the one around all the time, kids naturally go to you for everything. They may need a little push to approach Daddy. Some Dads just feel like they don't know how to help or be involved in childcare. I somewhat forced an evening routine on him and everyone enjoys it. I bathe the kids, dry them off, hand them their jammies, and say, "Go find Daddy." Then they each pick a bedtime story for him to read. For a family to be happy each spouse needs some alone time and time with friends (which you hopefully will meet.), and time together with no kids. Each parent also deserves time alone with the kids. He may work 6 days a week but he needs to understand that even if you don't bring in a paycheck, you work just as hard. (We seem to be in a constant competition about who did more each day.) My husband is a police officer and also works long hours and he expects to do nothing but things for himself when he is not working. We live in a remote area and I also have few friends. I have met people through storytime at the library. If you live in a decent-sized city you could meet people through MOPS or SAHM Yahoo groups. Most towns have a church that offers a Mother's Day Out Program on Tuesdays and Thursdays, that would give you some alone time. Do any of his coworkers have wives and similar age kids? Could you go with him to some work function? We went to marriage counseling a few times and I think that helped open both our eyes as to how the other one felt and what they needed. If your insurance says it doesn't cover family counseling then have them bill it individually and it will be covered. My Mom came down for 5 days recently so he and I could go on a cruise (very affordable vacation if you can drive to the port). We had fun, I got a much needed vacation, and it gave me hope that we can get along and have fun together. We recently decided that it was the right thing to do to stay together and set a good example for the kids. It is also cheaper then to pay for 2 houses, etc. My family is riddled with divorce and his isn't so I know that if we don't make it they will all think it's all my fault. So we are trying. In the end though the kids are most important. It doesn't take them too long to feel the tension and know things aren't right. Kids seeing you crying often is not healthy. Pop in a movie for them and go turn the shower on and cry if you need to. So sometimes it may be better to part amicably while they're young and basically stressfree.

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It will get better. Promise! I had a stay at home mom and a farmer dad. We were so poor that I could probably win some kind of prize for telling poor stories, but that will wait. I remember my dad being a grouch, and never being home except to yell. My mom quietly went about her work as a mom and not until years later did she confide that when we were little and she needed a break so bad she thought that if she could she'd leave him. It was also years later, after I began supporting my own that I realized the pressure on my dad to try to support a family and how it hurt to know he never got a break from the constant weight of that. I decided that when they had their 50th wedding anniversary that it was a deserved celebration for having the stamina to hang in there....and they did and still are. I think since they simply survived so much, they now love and appreciate each other more than the rest of us, who haven't lived it so long do.
As far as the now, insist on a date night. If you don't have a church, find one. Go and get some friends, some shoulders, and find a babysitter (that is one of the best places to find one who has similar values). The two of you could use a date and get to know each other again. Make a list of your priorities together, and set a goal or two, together. If you work at it hard, it will get easier. Please e-mail me, and if I can, I'd love to help. Don't give it up...
B.

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I know you feel helpless right now, but that happens in every marriage from time to time. You've invested a lot of time and love in this relationship; don't let it be for nothing. Pray about it. And then pray some more. You said that you're new to the area. If you're in Austin, try our church. It's a new church with a lot of young people. AND the daycare is FREE. At least give it a try. It's in South Austin. If you have a church of your own, perhaps you haven't been taking advantage of their free day care. Even for that short time every week, you can get strength and inner peace. Here's the website for my church: www.austinnewchurch.com

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J. G,

The Bible says that God will never give us more than we can handle in a day. Sometimes we question how much that is, I know I have, but rest assured that you will make it through. I came from a broken home as well and made the same vow you have made, unfortunately, I divorced last year after 17 years of marriage with a slightly different situation. My exhusband was physically and mentally abusive and I couldn't take it any longer. I have since remarried and have a wonderful christian husband who treats me with great respect. If you need to talk my email address is ____@____.com and we can correspond regularly and share phone #'s. God Bless You and give you strength!

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Please feel free to email me privately... ____@____.com...

I suggest... talking to your neighbors and seeing if you can set up a "play date" situation to help with the children. You need to have some down time.

Please don't give up and believe that things will be better! If you don't believe it will get better, it won't.

Do you have any interest in a 'work from home' position to help supplement your household income?

Seriously, email me and maybe I can help you out.

Hugs!
J.

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I know you've had lots of advice, but when I read this one thing stood out to me- you are saying that you are tired of your husband, who you really need at home right now, to be working or doing other things outside the home. You seem to be feeling like a single parent. So you are considering getting separated or divorced so you can...be a single parent? Be at home without him ALL the time? That doesn't seem to fix the problem.

We have lots of problems with other family too and we can't do a whole lot about them, so I try hard to just not let it come between my husband and I.

Y'all have been together for an awfully long time, I strongly urge you to start working on yourself, and write a very sweet, loving note to your husband telling him how much you miss him and how you and the children need him at home. Tell him that you so much respect him and appreciate him for providing well for your family so that you can stay at home and raise your treasures. However, he needs one day a week set aside that you can expect him to be at home with y'all. Tell him that you realize he needs some time to himself like poker night, but you also need some time and you want to work out an agreement of when he goes out and when you can go out while he watches the kiddos, and this would NOT be every week, but maybe once a month or every other month or something.

Everytime I call my sister on her husband's day off (he's management in retail and works a lot) my sister is not home but shopping or at the spa while he's babysitting! This definitely does not encourage him to come home with all HER "Me" time. It surely needs some balancing and I feel sorry for him. You don't want to do that to your husband or he'll feel like you do right now. And when he is home make sure you spend lots of time serving him and praising him and filling up his cup, it will make it easier for him to fill up yours. You probably feel totally given out by the time he gets home, so you might have to fake it for a little while till things get better and you seem to be getting something back from him.

Most men are clueless, really. I have four children ages 5,4,2,1 and hubby doesn't seem to realize how much I need "Me" time and often I just have to drink a cup of hot tea and read a magazine while sitting on the toilet to get 'me' time. But that can be good, if you just keep the right attitude.

Hoping things get better for you,
S.

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Hi J..
I"ve read all the responses you've received. I"ve been married 16 years, and we've beeen together for 20...and have come close to divorce 2 times. Today, we're closer than when we met. We hold hands, pray together, and are best friends, and are closer today than we were when we dated! Why? I fully agree with the ones addressing your friendship with *Jesus*. He's God. I wasn't a Christian when my husband and I met. I didn't become one until I was 26. I 'thought' I was one all my life, only because I believed some facts about Jesus and attended church here and there. But I had never invited Jesus to be *in MY* life, like inviting someone into my home and spending time with them personally. I used to treat God like a magic genie..only giving him my requests, when I was desperate, but not caring or thinking a lick about him inbetween those prayers. I'd keep Him *outside the door* of my life otherwise, knowing He was real and out there, but not wanting Him any closer. When I finally became a Christian, and started asking Jesus to repair my marriage, He did. I can't tell you *how* He fixed it, because I truly don't know. I can't explain how He helped Peter walk on top of water (in the Bible), or how He healed sicknesses and paralysis..but He did. And, He took away my life long depression, suicidal feeligns and my anger issues from childhood, and He completely turned my marriage around into the best relationship I can imagine having. Both my sisters are divorced now, but my husband and I are closer than we were when we dated...and the only difference at all is that we let Jesus into the mix, and they didn't, and we hadn't been.

It starts with you. You invite Him into your life, first...or else He's still on the porch, outside yoru life. Then, ask Him to make His repairs. Be patient...it won't happen over night. But, I can promise you with a 100% guarantee that He will, when you ask Him to. He changed both my husband and me. Get to a church. Get him to a church. Get involved in a church MOPS group (mothers of preschoolers)...ask which churches have one. It's free babysitting while you socialize with other venting and exhausted moms. Let Him help you...and He will. Ask Him in first...then ask Him to help second.

J.,
I have to say I know exactly how you feel. My situation is very similar. I have been married to my hubby for 3 years and together for 8. I married young (21) because I loved him so much. He's 7 years older than I so I figured he would soon mature to be the perfect husband. The last 2 years have been hell (since him quiting his great job and opening a fairly unsuccessful business). I became pregnant after he quit his great job and found myself alone all the time. I figured things would change when our son would be born, I was wrong. My son is now 12 months and siprised to find we are preg again. I am not excited and again find myself still alone. I never thought I would be here. We have discussed divorce many times but for our son have stayed together. He says he's trying harder now that we expecting another. But ice spent the last 6 nights falling asleep alone. Um sorry. Um here if you want 2 talk.

Sorry about your situation and I can empathize with your pain. I received some really great advice recently because we to don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues which causes arguments, resentment, unhappiness, and tears. I was told that I needed to decide if I could accept him with his faults and just love him or live without him. I decided I would rather live with him than without him. we both came from a broken home and I unfortunately have been divorced once before so divorce is not an option for me. we have been married now for almost 9 yrs and have been together for over 11. We have 2 beautiful daughters and 1 more on the way.Decide for yourself what is more important. will you be more happy with or without him. What ever you decide pray to God and leave it in his hands. Good luck and God Bless you and your family.

Hi J. G.,
well I read your letter and what I can say is read the book, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, I truly believe this is going to help you in all of your aspects in your life with your kids and your husband and his fam., but most of all you are going to find how to help yourself. It is never to late you can also go online there is a class going on ____@____.com, today is class #5 at 19:00 hrs.but today or tomorrow you can check on class 1,2,3 and 4 and you'll hear people from all over the world taking part and asking questions to this man. Try it this might open up the door to what is your purpose in life.

Sincerely Gladys F. a 50 yr old mom and divorce wife 1 daughter and happy.

start going to the public park. call your public library and find out about story hour. call your local city hall and get the number for the parks and recreations department to find out when local age-appropriate community activities are occurring. find out when gabby is old enough to start playing t-ball. i am quite sure there are more than those things i have listed here, but as a previous rural SAHM, i know full well the loneliness.....and i was a single mother with only a grandmother to help me. the depression from being in your own four walls (trapped) with no one to share with is debilitating and after a while, you will begin to start looking for anything to ease the pain. i guarantee that getting out of the house is the best medicine for you and will bring you closer to your kids. i also suggest getting a part time job just for a little extra cash - maybe tell yourself it is ice cream money for the kids, or maybe it will let you save up for a picnic with hubby and kids. even that tiny little bit of independence will go a long way to helping

Hi J.,
Being a stay at home mom can be tough. I only have 2 kids My husband also worked 6 days a week. Try to find ways to get out and meet other people, go to the park, the mall, take the kids to Burgerking or Mc'Donald's where they can play and you can be around other people might help. I also use to go to the gym and leave the kids in the day care area. They would play and have fun and I would get a chance to do a light work out and take a shower with out the kids underfoot. It gets better when you get some alone time. They are now older, off with their friends sometimes. I wouldn't have changed it for anything though.

hi J.,i am sorry to hear about you're marriage problems.but hang in there if there is still love between you it will be ok.love conquers all.everyone has some type of problems in there marriage at some point.i know i have but we are still together,we are having somewhat of a bad time right now,financially but we will be fine.learn to think positive try not to think negative.you have a very important job,taking care of the house and kids.you are saving a lot of money staying home with your children.you are a very important person very valuable and thats how you have to see yourself.i have a daughter thats your age and she is a great mother and she is a stay at home mom.she has 5 kids.i don't know how you feel about prayer,but it helps, he does answer prayers talk to Jesus and see how your life will start to come together.i will be praying for you your marriage for your family.trust in him ,seek him first and he shall give you the desires of your heart.i hope to hear from you again soon. god bless you

Are there any SAHM groups where you live? That would be a great place to meet moms. Another idea would be Mother's Day Out. Even if for 1 morning a week, they would get to play and you would have some badly need Me-time. I know you love your babies, but they need you to be well-rested and not stressed.

Hi! I'm not sure my answer will help with the inlaws but here goes. If you are not in a good Bible believing church find one. Most churches have groups and mothers day out that can help relieve your support with the children. This will help you find your own things to do and the happier you are the happier other things will become. Never wait for someone else to make you happy. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! Your answers may not come right away but just trust in what ever God brings your way. I do know that when I am all down and depressed no one cares to be around me. My husband is a farmer and rancher and is gone most of the time from daylight til dark 7 days a week so I have learned to fill myself with my own interests. Hope this will help you some. God Bless you and those 4 children. Just love them a bunch.

you poor thing! ok, i can kinda relate on some levels of what you are going thru...so i'm going to give you some advice on that....i'm here alone too w/o help, but i only have 2 kids, can't imagine 4! i tried being super mom all the time being w/ the kids 24/7.....you can't do it! you need alone time! you need to start getting babysitters for a date night and possibly during the week too for a couple of hours. if it is a financial burden, is saving money more worth it than your sanity? the dates will help you to rekindle your marriage too. have you thought about jioning a moms' club or mops? i did when i moved here and they are an excellent way to meet moms like you and you'll start making some friendships here. you need that support day to day when your husband works so much! don't give up! look at your resources around you and start using them! if you belong to a gym, start going and put your kids in the nursery, to refuel yourself. if i can be a better resource for you, please write me back!

Hi J.!

I understand a lot of what you are talking about. I see my husband (and the kids see their father) three nights a week and one day on the weekend, because he works so much. It is very hard on all of us, especially me who doesn't get a break from the kids. Being a SAHM, we work 24/7, but the dad's don't understand that we can be just as tired or more so than they are when there is down time/family time. You sould call some local churches and ask about their Mom's groups. I know that Cypress Bible Church has one and several other places do also. You can go there and someone watches your children while you talk and visit with other mothers who also need a little time away from their kids and a social life with other adults.

Hang in there!

T. V.

J.

My name is Brooke and I know what you are feeling in a small way. I was with my X husband for 12 years and we had a lot of the same issues, however I was not a SAHM I worked ,but I did revolve my life and free time around my kids. A simple suggestion is see if there is a group or college community that has classes that might intrest you. Sign up for them, there normally very cheap, then let your husband know what days and go to the classes. You will meet people that may have similar intrests as you and also make friends in your new city. If he refuses to allow you to do this because it interferes with his time you may have a bigger problem at hand. Feel free any time to email not sure where your located but email friends are just as good as neighborhood friends. Good luck!!
Brooke Dent

Jeane, my heart goes out to you. I have been in your shoes a long time ago but still remember pain. Can't tell you what you should or should not do but just know that I divorced my kids dad when they were like 9 & 13. Had been married for about 14 years. Was pretty tough cause had married young & never really had a life outside a kid then being married. Remained single for 5 years until married my husband [we have been together 28 years now]. If had to do it over again might have tried to work things out with my kids dad [by the way now we get along better than we ever did when we were married.] Now go figure. I just know we tried prayer, therpy, vacations, whatever & think in long run it was better for to divorce. I grew up & he didn't. Too he was abusive & that was not good for our kids. But have always told my kids love their dad cause without him could not have had them. I will always be grateful for that. By the way he's still same but I had to grow up & these two things didn't match. You will know what is right for you & your kids & also your husband. Maybe you could get with some more mothers with young children. Being at home with toddlers all day is tough. Will be praying for you & just know you are not alone. Take care. Brenda

My suggestion would be to look into the local community college, or vocational school. There are many classes and I have personally studied baking, computers, and carpentry. Alot of them have a daycare setting for children. This will get you out into a social setting that is safe.
Good Luck

Hi J., first of all I just want to say I will be praying for you. Are you a christian? I don't want to offend you that is why I ask because my response is very centered around Jesus Christ. HE is THE only way this situation can come to resolve. You know how you try to handle and fix and work out your problems on your own. Why? He will take them, He will bare those burdens! I pray that God WILL move in a way that you could NEVER imagine!
I totally understand your situation. My husband and I have been married almost 6 years, we have 2 young children and our work schedules are very different. When he is home he spends most of his time in the garage. We also don't really speak to his mother because of a falling out with myself and her. His dad and stepmom are great though. You get to a point where you feel you run circles around your spouse and you don't even really "know" one another anymore. You feel your only hope is to just get out. Well, have faith! BELIEVE me I know it is easier said than done. I struggle with it everyday myself! I just wish I could write down everything I really want to say but it is hard to express!
Have you tried talking to him about going to marriage counseling, at least where you could get on even territory to open up. If you belong to a church your pastor should offer that for free. Also, try suggesting to him a date night. Just you and him no kids. I know you said you recently moved. Try asking neighbors or a local high school or a moms day out if they have babysitting referrals. I know it's hard but if you want to make your marriage work keep doing your part and love him (even though sometimes it's hard-LOL)and change the way you speak to him. I know it sounds weird but one thing I learned from counseling is men don't like to be nagged. And boy I am REAL good at that-LOL! Try (even though he doesn't deserve it) but try praising him for things and building his confidence and putting in the light the things he DOES instead of things he DOESN'T. Also, just pray--sometimes when you come before God you can't muster up words but He already knows your problems just speak to Him as a friend. I have no doubt in my mind He will help you in His timing. And that's just it, His timing-not ours! I pray for peace for you and strength, courage, wisdom, and most of all patience. I pray that in the midst of your situation you'll have unexplainable peace from the everyday grind! I hope you know that I do understand and there are tons of moms out there who do. I am here to talk if you need to. In Christ, your friend-K.

How does it come to this? Slowly, that's how. So unfortunately, it's going to change slowly. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't know, you just needed to vent. And if you are looking for advice from total strangers, with no idea what they are like, then you are in a sad place inded. Kuddos for finding a way to reach out!!

I will not shower you with "God will see you through" or "God doesn't give you any more per day than you can handle", because when you are in it NONE OF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR!!

But the truth is, God will see you through this. Your pleas to your husband are now falling in the "nagging" category in his mind more than likely. I would stop that for a while.

I am a list maker by nature so you could try that. Make a list of where you want to be in one month. And make it reasonable! "I want great communication with my husband, three friends and the house painted" is not realistic. However, finding a Mom's group- MOPS at local churches are usually free (ours is) or at least not very expensive- or Google it for your area- I don't know where you live- and locate a babysitter so hubby and I can go out one time, is.

And really, right now, you don't have to go someplace exciting or get a babysitter. My husband was having a bear of a month a few years back so when he came home after dinner time, I had my daughter already fed and ready for bed (bath already, in jammies). I had made sandwhiches and packed some soda and we went to the back yard! My daughter played in her sandbox and when she was done with that and wanted us to push her on the swing I totally bribed her with three cookies and some milk. (she was 2 at the time) We had 25 uninterupted minutes and did't go out, didn't spend big money, but just connected. I asked him about work, didn't understand 3/4 of what he said (he is a web guy and my degree is in criminal justice and political science) but smiled anyway and said "thanks for doing that for us every day".

So, once you have reached your first month's goals, it's time for counseling. It sounds like you have much on your plate, and I don't mean the kids. By achieving something, you will be more open to getting professional advice and not feel like a loser. You are NOT a loer, just a normal person with pain in their lives.

And don't make excuses or decide "this time it will be different because I will...." Becaue you have tried other things, and the old habits come right back don't they? Or what your try doesn't "work" so you give up and try something else, or do nothing and you are back where you started. A counselor will guide you through all of that. And you can find that time and someone to watch the kids. How about your hubby? Ask him to watch them at night, or Saturday morning- counselors work odd hours you know- and explain your are doing this for you, and ultimately the two of them. It doesn't mean you are crazy, it does mean you need to find a way to deal with things because right now, being lonely isn't the only thing wrong here is it?

You are in my prayers. Contact me any time. God's love for marriage is so powerful, I want everyone to experience what their marraige could be. ____@____.com

B.

Bless your heart! It is stressful to be a SAHM to 4 kids, especially the ages yours are. Moving to a new city where you have no support network is even worse. Your husband is probably stressed,too, since he is responsible for all the income and works commission, so he is not realizing how much stress and how lonely you are. I can hear that you miss his involvement, but even without the children, it's probably asking a lot for him to be your only friend - sometimes it's HIM that you need to talk about anyway - know what I mean? Are there any other moms living nearby that you could get to know? Now that spring is here, is there a nearby park where you can take the kids on nice days? Maybe you could meet other moms there. All the advice to find a good church group or a Mother's Day out is great - you need a break from the kids, and you need a chance to visit with other adults. Another possibility would be to check out your local YMCA. Memberships are pretty reasonable, and most of them have a nursery available while you exercise - that might give you another place to meet other moms. Good luck and hang in there- sometimes you hit a really rocky spot in your life, and if you can just keep on keeping on , it will get better.

Sounds like you need a hug. ::HUGS::

I can't speak from experience (having been married less than 3 years), but I can give you a suggestion. Get the book called Created to be His Help Meet from www.nogreaterjoy.org. There are a few things that I do not agree with (mostly on how she interprets certain Bible passages), but the basic principles as they apply to a SAHM and wife are wonderful. It also has a chapter to help you identify what kind of husband you have. This chapter was probably the most revealing to me in the whole book. It helped me understand certain things about my husband--why he did this and why he didn't do that. Understanding things will often make it easier to deal with. Like if my husband doesn't want to talk, it's easier to deal with if I know that he has a migraine! If I didn't know, I could get really hurt--kwim?

I hope this helps.

J.,
I have been where you are, and I know the crying and the kids don't understand why Mommy is so sad.
Is there a possiablity of him seeing another??
Things will not change until YOU do, and I know its hard, you need friends to talk with. I know it seems like HE should change, but its clear he's not going to, and until YOU do and start by how you respond to some things differently and start setting boundries and stop accepting the way things are. He will notice that you are not going to just lay down and accept they way he is"NOT" dealing with your problems. you have to be direct and point out to him just how unhappy you are and things have to change. If he cant then you have to. You must put your kids first and realize you are putting them though stuff right now and they know something is up, and the insecurity in the home. I come from a broken home too and thought I would never do it either, but what was going on, I didnt want my kids to put up with that either. Find a way to get support in this. Once you start changing, things will start becoming clear of what you must do.
Wish ya lived by me, I would be your friend.
San Antonio, TX

Hi J.,
I've gone through a similar situation. It was very difficult - thought about divorced , too. What helped me is Joel Osteen's book, Boundaries in the Marriage, lots of praying, and taking care of myself. By taking care of myself I mean I started new friendships and new ways to get out of the house as well as to getting breaks from kids, husband, and chores. I didn't try to change my husband but I changed myself. Things are great now, although it didn't happen right away. I am sure it would be harder for you since you have 4 kids, two of which are still little but if you can find the oportunity to do something for yourself, do it. It is a long process but you'll get there. Remember to ask God for patience, love, and wisdom to manage this difficult situation. Ask HIM to guide you to find the ways to make you feel better without hurting or neglecting your family. HE is powerful! Just remember it is not going to happen in one night. Be strong!

I am 33 years old. A mother of two boys 11 and 6, and a stepmother of a 12 year old girl who lives with her mom out of the state. Good Luck!

Hi Jeanne, It sounds to me like you could use a good "Church" home with an active women's society, association, or whatever it would be called. No wonder you are exhausted. But a good "sistership" with other moms, exchanging child care so each can have a fe hours out now and then, is really a blessing. You don't have to take Daddy to church if he doesn't want to go, but find a place where other Moms are having the same problem, and cooperate. Good luck from a Mom who had 3 babies who were 18 months apart - but I had older chldren to help. A..

Hi J.!
Every relationship is hard in and out. Well I have been with my husband for 5 years and yes I have thrown the seperation to him and have done it to him more than i would have. But I know there are hard and sad times. How about the good times can you remember them and think about!!! I always weight them on my side like a scale from hand to hand Sorry it may sound silly. I too am new to the area and city but am getting out and about. Well you said he works a lot and then has a guy night well there should always be a happy medium and i think he should give you a break. if you ever need to vent or talk email me.

Good Luck and ttyl
S.

Do you and your family have a church home? I suggest church and christian marriage counseling. I know it would be hard to give it up.....especaiily with 4 kids. Have you asked him to stay home from poker night and either help you eith the kids or watch the kids so you can escape for a few hours? Do you have family or friends that can babysit the kids so y'all can have a "date night"?

Try utilizing Mother's Day Out at a local church. Is your older two in preschool/kindergarten? 100% commission... what is he a car sales man? Does he have a college degree? Can you do something else? Do you belong to a church? What would happen when he'd come home one evening and you said you had errands to run or had a class to take? And leave the children with him????? I am not telling you this but I would not have any more children.

Hi Jeanna,

I would like to make a suggestion. I've been there. I am a stay at home mom too, and a few years ago went through a dark time with my husband with him being the "bread winner", and I contributed nothing financially to the relationship. On top of that, his family really wasn't happy with the fact that he was still with me. After a long internal struggle, I decided to do something about it.

I found a job at a local daycare, and was able to have my child there for free. I made some really great friends, not just ladies that I worked with, but with parents too. I enjoyed getting out of the house, and making my own spending money. I could use it to contibute to the family, or I could just put it up for a rainy day, or spend it however I wanted. It was all up to me. That took away so much stress from our lives, and freed us up to connect on a new level. A working couple one. My husband began staying home more, working less, and began to reconnect on a deeper more loving level. His family began to come around too.

If you aren't into the idea of working, then I strongly suggest that you find a mom's group.

I wish you the best, and email me if you want to talk.

Hi J.,
Wow, your situation sounds alot like mine was. I learned that we need 2 find each others love language. We do 4 the man what we expect him 2 do 4 us, and that might not B his love language. What I'm trying to say is that what works 4 U does not work 4 him. 2 find out his love language is 2 C how he first treated U. He might B 1 that just hearing U say U love him is enough 4 him, that is called the verbal language. By him just bringing the money home and providing 4 U and the kids, that is a service language. So he is probably thinking that what he does is all he needs 2 do 2 say he loves u. I hope I'm not getting U confused. I also learned that I needed 2 stop expecting him 2 meet my needs and begin 2 meet his needs and he came around 2 wanting 2 meet my needs. He learned my love language. I needed service or else I felt unloved. He does alot more around the house than he ever did B-4. I don't expect anything from him, so when he accomplish just 1 thing, that is alot 4 me. I really thought there was no hope 4 our marriage, and I was ready to quit this relationship because I thought I was better off without him. I need him more than ever and he has been there 4 me and the kids. Don't give up just yet and take it 2 God in prayer, let me tell U that there is POWER in prayer. I will also take your marriage 2 God in prayer. If U like 2 talk about it some more please email me and I will send U my # so U can call me. I'm not 2 good in writing letters. God Bless!! ____@____.com

Hang in there J.,

What I hear you saying is that you are depressed because you are lonely and not sure how to get out of it.

1st I would say if you do find yourself crying often you need to be evaluated for clinical depression before it gets worse. See a counselor. It would be great if both you and your husband could go even for the 1st visit. Sometimes men just don't understand the reality until you take actions.

2nd It concerns me about you lying to you children. Children are smarter that we think. They learn learn very much by observation. They probably know you are hiding something from them. They may accept this now, but is it teaching them that hiding unhappy feelings is a proper way to act? Negative feelings should never be hidden even if to say I will get over it but I don't like what is going on. This could include you husband to.

3ird When dealing with Gossip I have found those who wish they had or could are the ones who do most often. In other words look at the Gossip as a form of flattery because they are feeling less so they have to make themselves look better than you. Show you are better by not passing on what has been said and just letting it die with you. You will not be able to change someone else but you can change yourself.

Perhaps if you looked for a Mommy Day Out group in your area. That way not only you have a safe place to keep the children but also a support group and potential friends to go out with also.

As I see it you not only have to deal with your move but all of your children are at a very needy time right now and you are spreading yourself 5 ways (I like to say, "my husband is the most needy child I have", LOL) and I don't hear anything in your letter where J. fits in. You are doing a great thing with your children but you will not be able to help and nurture them if you don't help and nurture yourself also.

The last piece of advise I could give you is this. It came from my Grand Ma.

" When you have a problem listen to all that will tell how you should solve it. Then you do what you need to do in your heart that makes it right. NO 1 person will be able to tell you how to solve it but bits and pieces from all will give you the right answer."

Just by reaching out in your letter it shows that you are a wonderful person and a great mom. (Remember there are several hats us mothers wear. (Mom, Wife and not to lose sight of the person we are.)

May God Bless you for what you are doing with your children and not taking the easy road out.

J. J.

Sounds like you need to go see a marriage counselor. Even if he does not want to go at first, maybe you should start going and see if he follows. At least for your peace of mind anyway. Do you guys go to church anywhere? going to church and praying together as a couple really helps your marriage bond better. me and my husband are reading a book called men are like waffles and woman are like spagetti. you can get it at the christian book store and it explains the differences between men and woman. its great and would really give you some insight on why he acts the way he does sometimes. just trust in God to help you get through this. when you say i do its forever.

J., the first thing you need to do is get some time for you! I understand that is hard to do with no family. If you are not part of a Moms group or Mops group I would love to help you find one. I am a member of MOMS Club and we are a group of SAHMs who get together with the kiddos and without. We do playdates, park dates, special outings/tours, moms night out and anything anyone wants to do. There are several chapters - surely one close to you. There are also MOPS groups at many local churches. Any of these are a great way to get out, especially in a new city, and meet new people. Being social will definitely take some of the strain off you. Are your kids in a KDO or preschool program or are you a member of a gym? That would help you get some free time, too. If you take care of yourself first then you can tackle the other issues. I am a member of a great church that has a fantastic counseling program and also has great LifeGroups to have fellowship with peers. I hope I do not sound like I am preaching to you. I know how lonely you can feel in a new town. If you don't have spousal support that can grow greatly. I just want you to be able to find the resources you need. Please contact me if you are interested in a group or church. ###-###-####

'Created to be His Helpmeet' by Debbie Pearl www.createdtobehishelpmeet.org

Been their, done that and have felt just like you do. Iam a mother of 5, 3 boys then twin girls, so i do know what you are going thru. You say you live in a city, i lived in the country, closest neighbor 4 miles. The first thing i can say to you is dont waite for your husband to notice or understand, he wont get on the phone find a moms day out most towns of any size have them at churches, go to the park, or church or enroll your 5 and 4 year old in pre-school. Meet other mothers you will find others willing to trade time for time. Check into pre-schools or day care centers that offer short time care and give your self time for shopping or just takeing a long bath. You need to start takeing care of your needs or you will become ill or so depressed it will affect your kids and your marriage. I lived so far from a town, and had so little money to pay for sitters, but i found an older woman that would sit for 2 hours when i had my little ones down for a nap and i sold avon, this paid for her sitting and the gas for my car, it was like a break for all of us, i would go for 2 hours 3 times a week then i would not go for a week. It saved my sanity. I loved my kids [still do] they are all married, have children and grand kids themselves, some things stay the same over the years. I will be married to the same man, that worked 7 days a week then would go and work on someones car; we have our 59 annivasary in june, it was not allways easy but it has been worth it, have you suggested to your husband that he be home one night a week so you could go someplace. Hang in their and take divorce out of your thoughts,

J.,

So sorry to see you in this situation and feeling the way you do. It sounds like yours nor your husbands needs are being met and that can happen over time. There is a book by Dr. Harley called "His Needs Her Needs". It's absolutely wonderful and you can check it out from any library. Communication is a major factor in any marriage as you probably very well know. Once you both can identify those needs that are most important to the other they can be worked on. I hope this helps you

Give it time!!!! I know that is hard to hear. I have wanted to divorce my husband every time that I move. There is a huge sense of loneliness that accompanies a new place especially if you are a stay at home mom. This is up to you to fix. Join play groups, strike up a conversation at the park, enroll your kids in different activities where you can meet other moms. You have to be proactive. Let me ask you something- Would you want to come home to someone crying and grumpy all the time? I know that I wouldn't. Buy yourself something new, get a pedicure, call a friend that truly makes you feel like your old self. If you don't get a break- create one. You can higher a babysitter just to take a bath for an hour. It is okay to take care of yourself. If it is in the finances I highly recommend a mothers day out program. You wouldn't believe how great it is for both you and the kids. Do you even remember how it is to go to the grocery store by yourself? It is glorious! Also, consider joining something like MOPS. You will get a break for a couple of hours and meet a ton of new people. The next thing that you need to do is help others. I know I know when? You need to create opportunities to help others this will feed you as much as it will feed them.
Remember getting a divorce will only make it worse. Work on you for a little while, when you are feeling more confident you will feel more confident to tackle bigger topics like his family. Last piece of huge advice. I once heard someone say that men would prefer RESPECT to love if they had to choose and women would prefer the opposite. Every single day for the next month tell your husband how much you respect him. How hard he works,how he provides for the family, how he is so helpful to his friends moving, how he loves his children, how he takes the garbage out. Just try it. You are going to be shocked. I started doing this about six months ago and I have seen a dramatic change in my husband. You can do this J.- Stick it out. If you are still miserable this time next year than maybe a change needs to be made. But first make the changes in you and you will be amazed at the changes that happen in your family. I will be praying for you. Go take a long hot bath.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. i do not have a magic answer, but I can remember going through tough times as well. I have been married for 20 years and I cannot imagine not being married to my husband. We all tend to go through cycles in our lives that I do not understand, but I can look back and see that through each one i have learned something. I will pray for you and your family and encourage you to hang in there. It seems like the hard times last for only a season, some seasons longer than others, but they do come to an end. I also feel like the hard times brought us closer in the long run and made us both appreciate each other more. I can tell you that even after 20 years there are still days that I fall in love with him again and I am thankful for those times. I am sure that he does feel pressure, my husband is the sole provider too! You and I are blessed to be hom with our children-I have twins also! This hard time will end-try to encourage your husband and show him how much you appreciate him and it will in turn cause him to do the same! It is like a cycle. Keep your chin up-I will pray for you and your family-I have been there too!
M. J

Is there a church that offers Mother's day out in your community? That would give you a break a couple days a week. And it might be that you have to make a compromise and take a part time job so that your husband doesn't have to work 6 days a week to support you guys. I'm sure he is tired from working so much.

Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel and what you expect of the relationship and find out how he feels and what he expects.

Find a mom's group in your community to help you make some friends. Not working it is hard to make friends in a new place so try going out to meetup.com or somewhere and see if you can find a group that suits you. Talk to your neighbors, etc... maybe they need friends to or at least can help with the kids now and then.

My heart and prayers go out to you. I am so sorry about the situation that you are in and I know about crying more than youd like to. If you ever need anything please email me. ____@____.com

J. I know u have heard this before, but life doesn't stop for us no matter what our problems.Get yourself into some groups .I know you don't want to leave or break up your family.But what about your health this can not be good for you.Your husbands sounds like he is fine with things ,because he doesn't know or care what is going on at home.Maybe he doesn't care,because he has his life with work and his friends.Get you some girls friends.There has to be some Mom's around you.There are places where they have Mom's day out.And another thing get some kind of classes...there is so much on line now.You need something to fall back on.It's the 2000's your still young.Stay strong.Yes I have been there and yes you can do this.Best of luck in whatever you do.

Hi J.,

It's good that you are reaching out. I am a SAHM of 5 kids and I even homeschool. Their ages are 9,7,6,3,and 1 and only the oldest is a girl. I have felt so much like you and I was going to church too. I felt so alone. There are several things I did to help me feel better. if you aren't taking care of you then you can't be the mom you want to be. So, do something for yourself that you enjoy and that will help you to relax. I took up gardening. This helped me be outside more so I felt less depressed. I love teaching so I teach pre-school at my church. (Well, after 5 years of pre-school, I just switched to middle school kids!) I like to sew, scrapbook, swim ...

One of the most important things that I did was take the iniative to have a date night w/my husband every other week. At first, he complained and didn't really want to saying it would cost too much. Now, HE is asking me for our date! I can't tell you how much this has helped. You need to remember why you got married in the first place! Take time to reflect on the good qualities you love about each other! I found another person that I babysit for every other week so we just take care of each others kids. If this is not an option, find someone you can trust to take of the kids and hire them for every other week. That's only 2x a month. Make sure you schedule it and don't allow ANYTHING to prevent you from having this time ALONE w/your dh. If $ is an issue, then don't eat out a couple of times so you can afford the sitter. Sell some things. W/4 kids I am sure there is something you don't need anymore! Don't allow $ to be an issue of why you can't have a date. Secondly, be creative w/the dates. Don't do the same thing over and over. BORING! You have to create excitement so ya'll look forward to it. My husband and I went to a couples massage class. Sometimes we go dancing, eat out. Maybe you just go to the bookstore... whatever you decide, a moonlit stroll in the park. One time, we didn't go anywhere; we just stayed home w/NO kids. It was AWESOME! Pt. is make it interesting. You can find books about different dates and many don't cost much at all. You could always go paint a figure at the U paint it place. Sky's the limit!

My husband works ALL the time. He works 2 jobs year round and seasonally will work 3. I go everywhere by myself and 5 kids. People always stare at me, but I go wherever I have to go anyway. My 3 yr old liked to run away so I had to get him a leash, but I still have to get groceries! You may even go to the park to let the kids play and meet some moms there.

Take of yourself. Things CAN get better. My dh and I have been married for 10 years, but we nearly divorced and were even separated. It is a lot of work and sometimes it may seem like you are the only one working at it. Remind him why he chose you. If all you ever do is complain when he is around or tell him what he did wrong or that he never spends any time w/you, he won't want to be there. Concentrate on what you like that he is doing: he is a good provider, he allows you to stay home w/ the kids... Maybe he feels overwhelmed like you do. Ya'll are a team working for the best family you can have. It is not hopeless!

If you need anything, please contact me. I have been through a lot w my dh. things are so much better than they used to be.

~M.
Mom to 5 Wonderful Kids
____@____.com
www.4MyChildrenSake.com

As a new stay at home mom I have found my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at Community Bible Church very helpful, caring and supportive. It gives me free childcare and time with other mothers to talk about the ups and downs of daily life. I can't offer much advice on your marriage but I do know that taking care of yourself is a great first step in healing any marriage. Maybe joining a gym with childcare so you can have some time to work off some of your stresses would also help. Just know that God will speak to your heart and point you in the direction that your life should take.

Hi J. G,
First let me tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. Have you conteplated the idea of getting marriage counseling? I personally think it really works. You have children that need their father to be part of their lives.

Right now I would put his family aside and work on getting your marriage better. My best advice is talk to a family counselor and get busy only if you want to save your marriage.

Good luck,
E.

Dear J., my heart goes out to you. Your letter could have been me 20yrs ago. I was so sad and isolated in a new town. I was a SAHM w/ 4 active children. You do need a break from your children, some alone time to just BE. A friend suggested I create "napsacks" for my older kids while the youngest one napped. They had to stay in their rooms and be quiet so the baby could sleep and I could nap, read, sew, whatever. There are so many boxes or bags available that you could buy(dollar store) or maybe you already have on hand. Pillow cases work just as well. In it put a non messy snack, and small water in a spill proof cup-nothing colored or sticky that IF they got it on themselves or their bed would create more work for you as if you didn't already have enough laundry ;) In the napsack put a new puzzle, library book, coloring book, doll, car, whatever their interest. The books, toys, snack are reserved for Napsack Only so they won't tire of them before they can be used for quiet time again. Explain the rules of napsack--time for you to nap uninterrupted and they keep quiet and stay in their room. It is for a designated amt of time EACH day EVERY day. Make a big deal out of setting the timer so they know there really is an end to the quiet time. Let the kids see you have a napsack with similar goodies-raisins, magazine so everybody has something they like. You don't have to use what is in your napsack, but the kids will see that everybody gets something they enjoy. It may take a few days adjustment for the routine to take hold, but no matter how crazy things were, I knew I could survive as long as I had 1-3pm by myself nobody tugging at me. Do Not do chores at this time. This is time for you to RESTORE. Take a multivitamin/mineral supplement. Taking care of little kids and the mess that is involved, you need the extra support.
I hope this helps you. You are worth it. A friend is just around the corner. When you feel better, you will see more clearly what to do with your husband.
Love,
C.

hey J.,
first of all, congrats on being a great mom to your kids! it's going to get better just don't give up. alot of women gave you some great advice, i hope you read each one. as for me, i'm kinda of going thru the same thing, but after reading all the advice you were given, i'm feeling better and hope you do too. my baby is 11 months old, and ever since she was born, me and my husband fought about EVERYTHING. we couldnt get it right. last wkend i finally had it and told his parents i'm leaving him, but they were understanding and made me see that all couples go thru this so i'm giving it another chance. i do believe that all couples go thru cycles as well, you'll have your good days and then bad days where you want to leave him. dont make any rash decisions just yet. first of all, seek friends. you might be in a depression if you're thinking there isnt an answer other than divorce. i mean you love being at home, so if you divorce you'll have to go to work and that wouldnt make you happy right?

email me at ____@____.com if you like to talk more...i have to run now b/c of the little one!

good luck!! it'll get better!!

Smile Jesus Loves you... Marriage is what we make it and it takes two to make it what we want it to be. The main thing that a lot of marriages have lost is Jesus. We can't do nothing without him. No matter how much we yell , scream at each other, both parties are grown and can't make the other do nothing. The only person that can change the situation and that person is Jesus. The main connection that us as wives have slacked upon and when we realize it sometimes may be to late is the "POWER OF PRAYER". Prayer really changes things, but if and only you want it to and believe that it can changes whatever the problem may be. There is always hope in every marriage. I can speak from experience. Don't give up girl, Jesus said that he wouldn't put no more on us than we can bear. Have you guys tried counseling. It works. Women really have a supernatural strength that we don't realize that we have when it comes to longsuffering. As much as you may hate to do it, you are going to have to stand up for yourself and tell your inlaws what is on your mind. (But do it with respect though, consider yourself) They will continue to walk all over your wishes as long as you have your mouth shut. They will have more respect for your feelings and such when they see that your mouth actually can make some noise when necessary. Just remember that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Be encouraged and keep your head up girl, Jesus said that he will never leave you nor forsake you and that he will be with you always and until the end of the world. So when you get lonely and need somone to talk to remember that Jesus is there. I will be praying for you and if you don't mind I will be keeping in touch with you.
Love you,
Q. J.-Hamilton

J.,
I can tell you what you want to hear, something that will temporarily make you feel better, or I can tell you the TRUTH. The TRUTH is you need Jesus. I am a SAHM around your same age and will have been married 14 years this summer. I know what it is to be on the brink of divorce. To feel hopeless and even betrayed. The only lasting healing is Jesus Christ. He has changed our lives and our marriage. You cannot do it on your own. You were right when you said, there are "forces" working against you. Satan would love nothing better than to isolate you and destroy your marriage. He would love to bring hopelessness and consquences on you and your children. Divorce is not the answer. Statistics even support this for non-believers.
The Bible says that Jesus says He is the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Him (John 14:6) I would love to share our testimony with you in detail. It can actually be viewed on utube. You are more than welcome to email me at ____@____.com
Salvation in Christ begins with admitting you are a sinner--everyone has sinned. Believeing that God sent His son Jesus to die for your sins, was buried and resurrected. When you truely believe this you will turn away from self-focused living and live according to His word (the Bible). Confess to God in prayer that Jesus is your only hope for a restored relationship with Him.
W. W.

Talk to him!!! Let him know in very plain terms how you are feeling and how serious the situation is. Don't sugar coat it. A marriage takes two people and work. I understand he's under pressure financially, but so are you. You have to worry about the finances everytime you go to the grocery or buy something the kids need, right? You also have the pressure on you to take good care of your kids and aren't getting any time off like he is with the poker games and such. You should start scheduling time for yourself. Just because you don't have a paying job, doesn't mean your's isn't every bit as frustrating and difficult as his. He should value you like you do him.

Dear J., My heart and prayers go out to you and your husband. You are in probably the most trying of situations. From here you will take a path that determines your lives together or apart. Your family can make it through this time with help, but it will take both you and your husband communicating. I know a very spiritual counselor if you want a contact, he can counsel by email communication and he has done wonders for others I know. J.,I am a Mother of three, now grown sons, for years I supported my family by working a commission job. I did quite well but hurt my health doing it. The stress / pressure just continued to grow until I had a stroke and now can't work. I wish I had taken a regular job with a company where we would be much better off today. Perhaps your husband will reconsider his profession for something that will allow him a separation of work and home life. Nothing will replace having your mate by your side, but if you can find a church where you can make friends with children compatible with yours, then get involved. It is good to have a place to socialize and good friends who have similar values and activities. One day your husband may join you, it will be good for you all. You can be happy, your children can be happy, and your husband and marriage can get through these stressful years. Let me know if you would like to meet the counselor I mentioned via email. Best wishes, go with God, you will find a right way.

Wow, you know I will say that I have not been in exactly the same situation as far as marriage because I am still a newly wed but I am your age and have been in a situation where I felt trapped in my life and the joy was just all gone. It was horrible. I would wake up everyday and just get through my routine wondering why I couldn't enjoy life like other people seemed to. Well one day I realized I was living the life I chose to live. It was so empowering because I realized that if I was choosing to live one way, I could choose to live another way. It rocked my world. Now I hear you that you have your kiddos and a distant hubby, of course you can't change those things. But you can change your response to them and you can decide what kind of life you would enjoy living. I know there are things you still want to do and are good at. Maybe now would be a good time to remember what you like and think of a couple ways to incorporate that into life. I would also encourage you to look up mom's groups you could meet with for support or check out local churches in the area.
As far as the pain you feel in your marriage, you just can't change anyone. As bad as you need him to do some things you can't make him. But you can fix you, and we all need some maintenance from time to time. You can set a high priority on your marriage and be the absolute best wife you know how to be. You can seek out ways to bless him. I read an awesome article about being a Godly wife and the woman suggested doing one nice thing for your husband everyday. Of course we all do many things for our spouse daily but this is something not typical. Like , I make my hubby's lunch so maybe when I grocery shop and see a particular thing he really loves I will get it and not tell him and just slip it in. I don't mention it, it is just a way to show him I love him, and I know him. It also helps me to put a focus on remembering to love him even when I feel tapped out. I am not saying ho-hos can fix all the problems in marriage, but anything that will get you in a position to fight for what you have is worth trying. And of course beyond all you can do is the power of God. You can be the most awesome wife and mom in the world and do everything perfect, but He and only He can change your husband's heart. When my husband and I are having trouble and we just can't get it together I go to God and ask him to fix my husband or to fix me because one or both of us is obviously jacked up! He is a great fixer and a great healer. And you know all your tears are witnessed by Him and He can fix the hurt you are carrying right now. Why don't you forgive your husband for all his mistakes and just ask the Lord to help you become who he wants you to be. Sorry this is so super long my heart just went out to you so much when I read your post and I want you to know you are not alone, God is with you and you will be in my prayers girl! Take care of those babies and get some rest :)

I've been in a similar situation and we made it out. I hate to hear of anyone hurting like you are because I know what it feels like. Until I found a healthy outlet, like going to church, it was rough. (They usually have free childcare and people who are supportive if you let them.) Since we moved I also started a playgroup in our new town to meet people. Sounds like hubby is probably overwhelmed too. I also blog and as stupid as it may sound getting all those negative and whatever feelings off my chest helps me think those problems through. Feel free to PM me if you want... good luck.

I've been married going on seven yrs in august. For me i had the feeling you feel when i lose myself and everything becomes about my husband and the kids. Its like you lose yourself to the ones you love the most. You have to get a life of your own and still have one with him. Its not going to be easy i still have that same struggle myself . Try to find things and places other mommie might be involved in and try to make new friends that you can trust the kids with. I see you have a 5 and 4 yr old if their in school communicate with some of their friends mommies. I don't open up to just anyone and i don't suggest you do that but you have get around people so you can find the ones you can trust enough to be around and have ur kids around.

So how come YOU can't go with him, to these work functions and poker games? You may end up having a great time, and since he has family here, there is your baby sitter. Have you already asked him that? I do not think that he is supporting you as he should, but I am sorry if I am out of line, that is just what I gathered from your email. My heart goes out to you.

Dear J.,
I really understand how you feel-I've been there. I'm a SAHM of 4 myself, ages 1, 2 1/2, 8 & 14. My husband works alot-he's an HPD officer-and he works alot of overtime and a side job too. We've been through the same situation as a couple, and trust me, we still have our struggles. But one thing that has got us through it all is our faith. We attend a local church here in Kingwood(Calvary Christian Fellowship) and they are a second family to us. We really don't have any family around either and we don't have alot of close friends.

I would love to talk to you some more and if you'd like, you could e-mail me at ____@____.com strong and have faith and don't give up yet, because you will get through this!! ~C.

Hi. I was in your shoes not to long ago and I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a church or other orginzation that offers a " Mother's day out" . It will help you be a better mom and wife if you give yourself a little time off. When you have a mothers day out, you can use that time to shop or maybe get involved in some kind of activity. There are things to do, you just have to get out there. Good Luck and God Bless.

J.,
I often wonder what other people's marriages are like myself...do they fight? Do they ignore each other? Are they close, do they talk things out? My husband travels 60 percent of the year and to be totally honest, I am happy half the time to have him gone. He drives me crazy when he's home, is overbearing, puts me down and then demands family time! I don't want to have family time because I don't enjoy his company. I also just moved to a new city and state, I moved to Texas from California and have no family or close friends here either. As we speak I am being driven crazy by his complaints and needling! I think marriage is just hard and you have to reach deep down and see if you really love this person. If so, you can change yourself and hope that you can find a way to communicate one day to make yourselves as a couple happy. Until then, what I do is try my best to make MYSELF happy. I answer to all of his requests and do them even when I feel like leaving him high and dry to fend for himself. I relish in my daughter and the relationship I can build with her personally. I also think of ways to deflect the nasty behavior I get from my husband constantly, his criticisms, complaints, put downs, etc. It does take two to tango and we are definitely at fault for making our husbands feel a certain way. We can try our best to change ourselves to make that end better, but after you do all you can, you deserve to be a FREE person. A FREE THINKING human being that does what she needs to do to enjoy life, and if that means that he is not included for the time being until you work out some of your issues, than so be it. That's how I feel right now. I enjoy my friends, even though they are all over the country, I enjoy the "small" things in life and I go by the saying that I wouldn't do to my husband or treat him in any way that I don't want to be treated. Even when he deserves a good silent treatment, or like I said to be left high and dry to fend for himself. I still treat him the way I would like to be treated and yes it is terribly sad when he doesn't respond kindly to the fact that I am doing all of these things for him and for our family to make it postive and better, make his life easier, etc. That is the most depressing thing. But what else can you possibly do? Hopefully he will one day realize what he is missing out on. YOU. My husband is now badgering me about WHY I DON'T want to spend time with him? Why would I rather sweep the garage instead of spending time with him....!!!! Unbelievable!! Gee....maybe it's because he is so not fun to spend time with and maybe it's because he makes me feel like #*$( everyday by the way he treats me and the way he talks to me. I feel like saying GET A CLUE. I don't like spending time with you because you treat me rudely and I do everything for you. DUH!???? After a while it will come to "this" and hopefully he will stop with his ego and start to realize that his wife doesn't LIKE spending time with him, because he's so demanding and nasty to me. Always criticising and putting me down. If they don't realize it, or get it- there are many people in this world who I know would be more than happy to be with me and have me do everything under the sun for them....I mean he couldn't find a shirt he needs if it was on his back. I have to look for everything for him, and not only that, he would blame me for putting it somewhere, even if it was on his back!!! At this point you have to just begin to think they are ridiculous and need to work out their own isssues. If they don't, well, then I am sure that I won't be around to put up with it anymore. i am sorry to sort of vent to you, but I hope it helps you know that marriages are not all peaches and cream, and that if your husband is as stubborn as mine, it will take a monumental life changing event to give him a huge WAKE UP CALL. I hope he gets his soon, because frankly, I can't stand when he's home anymore. It's sad that I am so excited for him to leave to go traveling. Anyway, you sound like a sweet person, and please try and keep your self worth high so that you are not feeling so sad and so that your kids do not worry about mommy. Mommy is just fine, it's Daddy that needs to step up to the plate and start taking care of YOUR needs. I take care of all of my husbands, but if I have a need, it's such a big deal, he can't possibly meet it. Emotionally I mean. So hang in there- know that you are not in this boat alone, and if you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me personally at ____@____.com

Take care,

S.

Wow, you do have a task!!! You did not say if your husband
worked on the road or at an intown job!! But,actually it
doesn't matter!!
The first thing you need to do Mom, is find a baby sitter
in your neighborhood! Even when money is short, a few dollars
for a baby sitter can pay big dividends! Maybe even a trade
out mother, one that once a week watches your kids for 4 hours and you watch hers in exchange for 4 hours! With kids
5,4 and 21 months you haven't had any alone time, so even
as hard as you try your under constant pressure!! You need
some down time!!
Most of us husbands really do not know HOW hard it is being
a stay at home Mom, until we have to do it for a few days!
Today I realize that nursery or child care places are really
expensive so that is why my suggestion is to find another
lady in your neighborhood to share time with. Get to know
her first, watch her kids to make sure she is aware of what
they are doing, if hers are well behaved then yours should also be and thus a swop out could give you both relief!!
Good Luck
BC

Wow! I'm sure you're going to get plenty of responses of women empathizing with you, but knowing exactly where you're coming from let me share something with you. I too have been having the same issue with my spouse, well still am. I am a SAHM of 2 wonderful kids (3yr old and a 15 wk baby). My husband is also the sole provider for our family also. I guess I noticed the change in him when I found out I was pregnate with my son last year and its been going downhill since then. He began working longer hours at work and just flat out avoiding me, blaming the fact that he has to work because they need him at work. Somewhere along the line he ventured into other women about 6 months ago and being 8 months pregnate I almost lost it, luckly I have a wonderful father that helped me thru it. I'm sad to report that we are still together because I "didn't want to break my family apart" either, but I am beginning to think we were better off going our seperate ways. Things just don't go back to "normal", we barely exchange 5 words in a day and the tension is always there. Your kids will begin to pick up on it too and that's never the road to go with them. If your not already you should visit your dr and ask for some anti-depression pills so you are atleast well enough to take care of your children, because slowly you will begin to breakdown if you continue down this path. I'm a few steps ahead of you and I'm just trying to give you a heads up. This isn't the easiest of paths in life but "this too, shall pass". I still have several things I need to take care of in my life but I believe that it would have been better off to split off in the beginning. You will begin to blame yourself and will feel very vulnerable and neglicted but you know you have to keep your composure for the sake of your children. Trust me, find a babysitter for the night and go have a few drinks to clear your head and think things thru. Best of luck! If you need to talk more let me know :) feel free to email me at anytime to ____@____.com

~J.