How Do You Tell a Friend That Your Child Cannot Stay Over?

Good luck sister! I think if you go there, you're going to make an enemy! As long as you cling to your hypocritcal ways, there's going to be no way out of this one.

Whether you're honest and tell her that you don't think her home is fit for your kids because she smokes inside or you come up with lame excuses she's going to take it personally when it is all said and done. There is no way she's going to buy your argument if she knows you smoke. She's going to think you're trying to say something about her or her kid...or that you're dillusional

Plain and simple...you're a smoker. Her kid probably saw you do it when she spent the night. You and your friend probably shared a smoke or two when visiting. So I think you're going to crash and burn on this one.

Not to mention, most everyone knows that whether you smoke outside or inside your home, the chemicals from cigarrettes that cling to your clothes, seep into your pores, wafts to your hair, not mention the smoke that fills the air, stains the walls, seeps through walls, inbeds in furniture and carpet is toxic and can affect those around you.

Bottomline, smoking in your hall, backyard, or front stoop isn't saving your children from the effects of the cigarette smoking. If they're hugging you, kissing you, you are touching them, they're in contact with your clothes or the areas where you smoke (even outside) they're being exposed to the dangerous chemicals. It doesn't matter "where" you smoke, according to studies, if YOU smoke, you expose anyone who comes into contact with YOU to these harmful chemicals. Read up on something called 3rd hand smoke and 2nd hand smoke if you don't believe me:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=what-is-...
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/health/research/03smoke...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35318118/ns/health-addictions/

Even if your children aren't always suffering visibly from your smoking, they're probably being affected.

The one and only way to resolve this is to quit smoking...and tell her you're quitting because you have just learned that your children's problems with allergies is due to your smoking. As a result, they will not be able to spend the night there.

The upside is you will kick a dangerous and nasty habit, will no longer be a hypocrite, and perhaps if your friend values your relationship, will consider quitting too for the benefit of her children and yours.

I think this is really an issue about dealing with your own demons, versus those of your friend. If you truly believe cigarettes are hurting your child, you need to fix the problem in your own home first, before confronting someone else about their problem. Otherwise, deal with it...because up until now...it sounds like your kids have been doing all the "dealing with it" for you and it's affecting their health.

7 moms found this helpful

Tell her the truth. You do not expose your children to cigarette smoke because in addition to not being healthy for their lungs they also have allergies and the smoke is one of their triggers.

No need to make an excuse, just don't come across as judgemental...just be honest and matter of fact.

Tell her also that you really enjoyed having her daughter over and they are welcome to visit anytime. Suggest an joint outing as well.

You are not hyprocritical since you do not expose your child to your smoke.

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I have a friend that can't come to my place because I have a cat and she's allergic. I don't take offense to that.

I agree with Krista that you should just tell her the truth.

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Be honest. It's a big difference to be a smoker but keep it far from your kids (like smoking outside, I gather?) vs smoking in the house and around your child.

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I would just be honest. I had to with one of my friends. She asked me to come over and I knew she smoked in her house, I asked her not to while we were there. She laughed at me, but she didnt smoke while we were there. I dont think there were any hard feelings.

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Honesty is the best policy in this case. Your child has a physical reaction to the smoke - she gets ill. So she can't sleep there, but her daughter is always welcome. It's purely a health thing, not her fault.

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She is your friend. Tell her the truth. She may not like it, but if she is a good friend, she will respect you enough to accept it for it is and move on.

M

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I don't mean to play devil's advocate, but...

1. If your friend finds out that you smoke, that may cause an issue, as well.

2. And, I have several friends that smoke "in private", and unfortunately, many times a person that doesn't smoke can still smell the smoke on them. The smoke stays in your clothes, hair, etc...

So, this may be a tricky situation since it may come across as the pot calling the kettle black.

Just my two cents,
R.

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Be honest- let her know that the kids really enjoy one another, but you have noticed that the smoke irriatates your child's allergies. If she would like to "host" a sleepover at your house (meaning she plans the activities and you and your hubby get to go out for a while), then suggest that!

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If your daughter was allergic to dogs you would tell her the reason. Just tell her and be very detached about it. Just like-"Oh sorry but why don't we do it over here because dd is allergic to cigarette smoke. " Act like it is no big deal. You can add that you smoke yourself but have to do it outside as to not bother her. If your friend says she will do that just insist that you would hate for her to do that and it is perfectly fine to have them at your house. If you are just forthright and honest about it and not judgy b/c of her habit you will be fine.

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Sometimes to avoid unecessary hurt feelings, it is best to stretch the truth. I would just tell her that you found that smoking (firsthand, secondhand and an area that was smoked in) triggers asthma symptoms in your kids and they get a cough that lingers forever...and you don't wanna go there again ;) If she offers to clean, etc. just tell her "that's nice of you, but I just can't take the chance...thanks though". If you're honest in this situation, she will more than likely get offended and overthink it. Keep it simple!

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The truth is valid. Tell her that and good for you for protecting your child. It's hard sometimes.

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I'd be honest with her. "I noticed that the kids smelled like smoke and they get sick when they are exposed to smoke, which is one of the reasons I'm quitting. They can play, but they can't spend the night. I hope you understand."

Some of my stepkids' friends are allergic to our cats and either don't stay long or don't spend the night. I take no offense.

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Be honest, but gentle. Let her know that you are not judging her in any way, it's not personal, it's allergies. Tell her you get around it by not smoking in the house.

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I hated reading this post you yourself is a smoker but blaming your childrens illness on a smoker that smokes inside their home really second hand smoke lingers on your clothing,in the material in the car, your hair, your jacket,your hands,breath you just can't smell it what smoker can.Second hand smoke does cause illnesses,ear infections,colds,coughing,allergies..

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Be honest with her. And don't let your kids go there.

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I was in a similar situation. I have a good friend that smokes in her house (I smoke too but outside) all of the time. She was always asking me to allow her to babysit, take a date night, etc. While the idea was generous and appealing, her house was just sooooo smokey that I could not imagine dropping my child there for several hours, even though I knew she would not smoke in the house while he was there. It's the 3rd hand smoke. The lingering smell. The toxins that can linger on surfaces for years! Google "third hand smoke." It's very alarming just how long chemicals like lead, cyanide, etc cling to surfaces long after the cigarette is extinguished! Her watching him at my house was out of the question, b/c my dog despises her! (Not sure why...lol)
For me, since it was a VERY occasional thing that she would babysit (I think 2-3 times in 8 years) I was honest with her and she immediately offered to try to "clear out the house" beforehand and she assured me that she would not smoke inside while he was there.
If she was babysitting every single day from 9-5--no way--but to watch my son for 2-3 hours every once in awhile, I was good with that.
Honestly, dropping him off I was pretty amazed at how clear her house smelled.
I think you're going to have to come right out and tell her and be honest. If she's a friend, she won't be offended. Good luck!

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I agree, be honest with her, do notgive excuses just tell it as it is. If your children are irriated by something you are doing what you think is best for them by not putting them in a place that will irriatate them. If she is a mature adult she will understand and not be offened.

A good friend of mine has a daughter a year younger then mine, and we have talked about a sleep over but I have 2 cats and her & her daughter has allergies. I understand completely that she will never be able to sleep over here and for play dates we only have them at our house when it is nice out since they can not spend a whole lot of time in the house/around cats.

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Explain that your daughters are allergic to smoke. If she is offended, then it is her problem, not yours.

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I agree with Krista on this one. Be honest. Otherwise she will come to her own conclusions as to why you keep avoiding her.

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Hi Mama
You will have to be honest because if you try to make other excuses it might come across that you don't want your child to stay there because of trust issues etc etc.
Explain the way you did to us and it should be fine.
I understand,as an ex smoker myself I certainely NEVER smoked in my house.
All the best
B.

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Tell her exactly what you told us that you know the kids had a great time together, but that you've noticed your kids get sick whenever they are around cigarette smoke. Tell her they would love to stay with her sometime, but you can't take the risk unless she stops smoking in her house. My mom quit smoking because my brother developed asthma, these are the things we do for our kids. Their health is the top priority.

Be nice, but be matter of fact. Tell her you're really glad you reconnected and it's great having the girls get together. You may lose her again, people are touchy about their smoking, it's a mental and physical addiction, hopefully she'll choose your friendship over the cigarettes, but if it's something she grew up with and thinks of as natural, she may think you are overreacting and a hypocrite. If her feelings are hurt, she may even tell her daughter and/or your kids that you smoke too.

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Just tell her that your daughter can't stay over because they smoke indoors and it makes her sick.

I have friends who will NOT set foot inside my house because I have 5 cats and they are highly allergic to cat dander. One friend's allergy is so severe that after standing in the middle of my living room for five minutes while picking up her daughter she started breaking out in hives, her eyes started to run and swell, and her throat began to close. She had to go wait for her daughter in her car.
I don't get offended that she won't come visit me - she can't.

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Just tell her how you feel. Most smokers know that it's not good for kids, I doubt it would hurt her feelings, and it would make her think about her decision to smoke in front of her own kids.
I'd just tell her that your kids are allergic to it but hers is welcome to stay at your place any time. Dont make a huge deal of it or she'll feel that you are being condescending.

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If for some reason her child did see you smoke, how are you going to explain that is okay for her child to go to your house, but her house isn't good enough for your kids?

Just remember, your honest opinion will probably illicit an honest response. Are you prepared to deal with it if that response is similar to the ones you don't approve of here? From your reaction, I do think there is a good chance feelings are going to get hurt here, and it will probably be both sides.

I can see where JL is coming from with her points.

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I have had to do exactly this plenty of times. My 7 y/o has (and has had since 3 months old) severe asthma. For the first 5 years of her life, she was on oral steroids AT LEAST 4 times per year, on top of the twice daily inhaled steroids she received. I am always just really honest about it and people seem to be really understanding. When they ask about her coming over, I agree that it would be a really great idea then throw in a casual "you guys are smokers right?" That gets the convo flowing and I just explain that the only way she is allowed to come over is if there is absolutely NO smoking ANYWHERE around her. Not even walking next to her in the parking lot. Then I explain what WILL happen if they do not follow their word (asthma attack which lasts for several days, sometimes requiring hospital stays). I've never had anyone who felt (or at least they didnt' say so to me) put out by thses stipulations.

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Personally, I'm allergic to cig smoke. My now ex laws smoke constantly and I hated going over there. My kids da does take them there on occasion and they HATE the cig smoke, smell, wrinkles, etc. I think its a good reminder to them that they should NOT smoke and I hope that sticks with them. I think you should just be honest and say that because they smoke in the house around the kids, your kids can't be exposed to that because of their allergies. Simple, it's the truth and you are protecting your kids. I think you should always try to be truthful, it won't bite you in the butt like lies can. good luck!

There is no shame in telling her that your children can't stay at her house becaude they have allergies. You have said that her child is more than welcome to stay at your place. This is a common issue. Be honest. Maybe she will follow your lead and start smoking outside as well.

It is your job as a mother to do everything in your power to protect your children. From one mother to another, your friend should understand and agree to that fact. I would tell her in the most kindest way possible, but not waiver. Remember, you'll be the one nursing the sick children!

I would wait until the situation presents itself, but then I would tell her the truth. Just say that you're sorry, but your kids allergies flair up horribly when they're exposed to cigarette smoke (this is quite common in kids and adults), and then they're sick for a week, so you try really hard not to let them be in places for very long where people are smoking or there's a lingering smoke odor. Say it nicely, but she needs to know. She really should NOT be smoking around her child either! I still smoke when I have drinks, but like you, my kids have NO clue that I ever smoke and I don't take them to smokey places.

We are friends with one couple who smokes in their home, and after I took my oldest over there (not thinking they would be smoking in their then new home) as a baby, I've never taken my kids back. She asked me about it, and I told her, "I know we all grew up with people smoking around us all the time, but I don't want them in an enclosed area around a lot of smoke if I can help it." I have no issues with people who go outside and smoke -even if they smell like it -but I don't want the actual smoke around my kids.

I agree you need to be honest and if she doesn't understand she either isn't much a of a friend or is immature/inconsiderate. In this day and age the evidence is incontravertible that cigarette smoke is bad news, and what parent wants to intentionally harm their child? Let her know that you smoke in private and are trying very hard to quit so you don 't come across as a hyprocrite, and say just what you said here - that your children get sick when exposed to cigarette smoke. Let her know you are happy to host the girls at your house anytime! Good luck.

Fumes still reside on your hair and clothes and is considered second hand smoke, research it. Youre the parent and if you dont want them there, dont let them. I dont think you need to explain, just say they cant. If she ever asks why you dont allow them, then its up to you how much you want to share with her and your own smoking situation.