How Do You Teach Your Children Gratitude?

I think one of the problems is that kids nowadays have a lot of "stuff" and they are usually not used to either wait or work (or both) for it. You can teach them how to say "thank you" but teaching gratitude involves teaching them to appreciate things and their worth.
You can only really appreciate things, if you know what it's like not to have them, or to wait for something that you REALLY want.
Good luck!

I think you should wear his Avatar t-shirt since he doesn't want it. If you cut the neck out and the sleeves down it might look kind of cool, like a tankini top.

Stop buying him things. :)

Seriously. If it isn't a b-day or a real occasion, they don't need surprises. Especially not for cleaning their rooms. He should clean his room because you told him too IMO.

Read "No, why parents need to say it and kids need to hear it" by Dr. David Walsh. He has great info.

Jessica

first off i would stop giving "surprises" in exchange for doing chores. those should be expected - not for an allowance, not for toys or treats - because they are part of the household and need to pull their weight. once you get them doing age appropriate chores, THEN if they want to earn extra treats they can do extra chores. i would do this for anything they want (when it's not christmas or a birthday coming up), or i'd at least try. all rules can occasionally be broken, but you need to get them out of the habit of "expecting". i hope you took the shirt back!

In addition to the other good responses:

A kid has to be taught...that they are a PART of a FAMILY. They do not revolve around themselves, they are not an island unto themselves, they are not a main event. Sure, we parents revolve around our kids... but sometimes they just have to be NOT revolved around. There are other things.... family things, to do. Too.
So you tell them that... it takes repetition.. and you instill that FAMILY is what they are a part of. So you have them do things to HELP the family... chores, helping, teaching empathy, taking care of others, helping others less fortunate etc. It takes repetition... and instilling that in them.
Earning things and privileges too.

What is also good, is having a regular "family meeting." Where as a family, you ALL sit down and discuss what is going on, what needs to be done, what MOMMY and DADDY need the kid to do, what they have to do as a part of life/responsibility, the goals of the family, saving money, what has to be fixed in the house, how Mommy needs help too, the family rules... and how you ALL play a part in it. Don't use this time to pick on each other or scold, but make it positive... constructive. And how the KID is a PART of it. TOO. If you do this regularly... it will help the FAMILY and the kid... to gain a sense of being a part of it and what happens in the family.

If he grumbles about something and is not appreciative, then take it away. Period. Tell him his attitude is NOT welcomed in your house. And if he wants it back, he has to earn it.

If you don't nip it in the bud now... he will get MORE of an attitude of "entitlement." And this is no good for anyone.

Or, just do NOT buy him anything, anymore, beyond basics. Underwear, shoes he's outgrown, clothes he's outgrown. That's all. If he asks, tell him, the family budget does not allow it.... and he has a bad attitude and is NOT helping the family. Period.
Tell him.... HE is the one that makes the choice... about if he can get things/treats/toys, or not. HE is responsible for that and how he treats the FAMILY. That a family... has each other's back and cares. Not just taking.

Do NOT use "treats" as a way to get them to clean their room etc. They should do that anyway. Otherwise, they will EXPECT a treat/reward for things they should do anyway, all the time. Don't bother giving them a "surprise" for cleaning their rooms.

AND... you blatantly ALL sit down... make it a meeting, and ANNOUNCE that there are new rules now. And this is how it is. NO MORE perfunctory toys/gifts/rewards or treats. Since they show poor attitude about it. Period.
And, if your kids all yell about it and grumble. So be it. They will get over it. Really.

teaching "manners" is different from teaching "attitude."

I would ALSO... make a "rule"... that EVERYDAY... the children give a compliment to someone else in the family. A sincere compliment. Something that they really appreciate or take notice in another family member. It takes repetition... and consistency. Or, to say something to a person that they are THANKFUL for. They can say 1 or more of these a day. To other family members.
My son is only 3.5, and he, on his own, gives us compliments. One time, he even told me "Thank you Mommy..." and I said "Oh what for?" and he replied "For cleaning... it looks nice Mommy..." I about cried when he said that. So no matter how young, a kid CAN do that, and learn to do that.

All the best,
Susan

The next surprise he would get from me would be the snow shovel and large garbage can I used to toss out everything else I had ever surprised him with. Sounds like just maybe it would take a few cans?

Stop buying him stuff until he figures it out. You only need to provide him food, clothes, shelter, health care, education, faith, morality and love.

M.

Wow, I am so sorry, they did that. I guess they have so much stuff, they do not need any more surprises.

We have never had a lot of money and we have been honest about it.
We are very careful about what we spend. If we go out to eat we discuss that we have a budget and stick to that. We do not shop retail, we attend movies at a discount and share snacks at the movies.

When we purchase gifts for anyone, we discuss how much we can spend.
We have old cars that we paid off a long time ago. We borrow items from neighbors, we also allow them to borrow from us. (lawnmowers, cooking items, books, videos all kinds of things)

When we clean out our closets, garage or whatever we hold a garage sale and have a goal with what the money will be used for. The rest is donated.

Our daughter has a respect for money. She has always been a saver. She has always had piggy banks and a savings account. When she wanted a Poppas-on chair one time, we told her we would love for her to have one, so how was she going to save for it? She saved in lots of different ways and then for her birthday let her grandparents know she was saving up for this. It took her a year, she watched for sales and then when she had the money she picked it out and was so proud. She then continued to save. She was 10.

We really make decisions about every purchase we make. Many times we realize we really need something so we plan and save.

We have no debt. Our child is in College and our child studied hard and accepted a college that gave her great scholarships and applied for grants. We are able to pay each semester and have nothing owed (so far) .

We live in the smallest home in the neighborhood. We have never taken a vacation that was more than a drive away. These were our choices. It has taught our daughter to be very careful with money. I also think it has given her an appreciation for "things".

Hello Mom,

While they are at school or out of the house empty their rooms except for the bare necessities. Take away tv, video games, soda, dessert. etc. When they start the WHYS AND WHINES, talk to them about gratitude. Let them earn things back one by one and see if that changes their tune!

Blessings.....

haven't read the other responses, but holy cow, my kid would still be picking himself up off the floor if he told me i "better" do anything!(j/k people, don't call cps). but, my kids have to keep their room neat and tidy everyday, and not for a prize, but b/c that is what has always been expected of them. after that nasty of an attitude, i prob would have take a few boxes/trash bags and emptied his room of darn near everything but the furniture and clothing. by nature, my 7yo son is a really sweet boy, and is very grateful for anything anyone does/gets for him - i'm sure part of that is just personality, but it has certainly been reinforced in parenting. we don't "bribe" ours with "stuff" to do chores or other things that are just part of living in our home. that would really hurt my feelings as well though, i would talk to him about it again later on when you have both cooled down a bit, maybe have your husband speak to him as well. if he's EVER ugly like that to you again, cry - right there in front of him, he's old enough to feel like a heel for making his mom cry - that may wake him up.

I know if I was not thankful for something my parents said if that is the way you feel you do not need it we will give it to someone who does. I was also told that the only other thing I was allowed to do that day was come to meals and stay in my room until I learn how to respect and be grateful for what I had.

My parents had the rule of these are must do things around the house, otherwise you will lose your previlages such as computer time, toys and such. One of my brothers ended up with nothing in his room but a bed, clothes and a desk... he was not allowed to use anything else, play with anything else until he started being thankful for what he had... it took about a month and he realized that it sucked having just those few things and changed this tune about how he treated everyone.

Sorry that is all I got, my daughter is only 3 years old and I do worry about how she will react when older about getting things that may not seem "cool" to her.

Have you thought about looking into volunteer opportunities? My daughter when she was 5 volunteered with me at an elementary school for underprivileged children where we handed out backpacks full of supplies for the kids. My daughter asked lots of questions and she felt real compassion for these children who were the same age as her. Plus, the children smiled SO big when they saw this little girl handing them a backpack. It was a great experience.

I’ve also had her and my son (I started my son at age 4) volunteer with me at Thanksgiving food drives, and we adopt a family for Christmas.

I truly believe that is what really taught both my kids gratitude.

Maybe just see what they can do. Best of luck!

Teaching basic courtesy is great; congratulations on instilling those good habits!

Gratitude is a feeling, and like happiness, regret, anger, sadness or fear, we can't simply insist that anybody feel any particular emotion. We can help set up the conditions in which an emotion is likely to arise. The best way to teach gratitude is to demonstrate your own, and that can be for any number of things, like a well-prepared meal, friendship, a job, health, a comfortable jacket, soft rain on the window, a daffodil growing at the edge of a road. In fact, modeling thankfulness early and often for even small blessings is a wonderful way to experience happiness, which in turn makes it more likely for those around you, including your children.

We can punish kids for lack of gratitude, but that's like punishing them for lack of happiness. We can manipulate them emotionally when they "make" us feel bad (that's actually a misconception that puts far too much power in their inexperienced hands), but that won't make them feel anything more positive than guilt. We can take things away from them when they don't demonstrate the feelings we deem appropriate, but that does little beyond weakening trust and communication, and confusing our kids. We want them to feel gratitude by taking away gifts they've already received? That's a total logical disconnect, and it can't possibly get the result of "Okay, Mom, I get it – I feel really, really grateful now!"

So, besides modeling thoughfulness, kindness, respect and gratitude around and toward our kids, are there any other practices that would help? I am in complete agreement with the posters who discourage linking responsibility with gifts and goodies. Simply stop doing that. And I'd be strongly inclined never to get your children treats they haven't specifically shown an interest in, and when they do, point out that they have an allowance (and possibly can earn a bit extra for "above and beyond" special chores), so they can save toward those desirable items.

It's also a great idea to get your kids to volunteer with you for community cleanup, a soup kitchen, fundraising for a worthwhile cause, and gifting their no-longer-needed goods to kids with less.

My best to you. I'm so glad you've asked this important question. It's an area that causes endless confusion in this wildly privileged life we lead in this country, and it becomes so easy to take our rich blessings for granted.

I agree with the others, and I personally would take the whole family to volunteer at a homeless shelter to see and talk to other people out there who truly have nothing and who would cherish an extra t-shirt. Tell him it's okay not to like a gift, but that someone put time, money, and effort into getting it just for him, and that he should be thankful that someone cares so much to do that. If he still doesn't get it, I agree with taking away all of the "extras" and maybe even skipping the next birthday/holiday gift [and the subsequent ones if he still doesn't get it]

Ha, my mom would have responded with "next time you won't get anything!!" and then she would follow through with it. I would keep getting the polite kid surprises and the rude kid, nothing until he can show some manners. Man, you're nice...we didn't get any surprises for cleaning our rooms, it's just something that we had to do. :} Good luck to you, I'm sure this is frustrating!!! Oh, and she would have returned the shirt too!

I'd take the shirt away. Clearly he doesn't want it. Maybe he has too much stuff already? If you give him something and he's not grateful, he loses the new item, plus one thing he already has. Maybe then he'll learn to be grateful for what he has.

i don't know what others have answered but my approach to this is to start teaching your son that cleaning is room is not a conditional thing, but a "contribution to the family". His chores are not optional.

And secondly, ask him how he would feel if you stop taking care of him, feeding him, bathing him, helping him with homework, buying school things unless he did his fair share? We do things for our family because we love each other and we take care of each other. Not because mommy and daddy OWE him anything! Or that he has to earn those things. Love is unconditional (especially if you love your family). Therefore, if he treats a gift as if you owe him anything, then not only will he not get that gift, but he will have to figure how he will feed, bathe, take care of himself.

Hopefully, you get the gist of what I'm saying and figure a way to explain and DEMONSTRATE to him in a way that he understands.

Also, the next time he says something like that..BE CALM, DIRECT, UNEMOTIONAL and say, "well then, if you can't appreciate what you are given, then I am happy to give it to someone who will." End of story.

I don't really know how to help with this, but I think part of it is that we ALL take things for granted to some extent, and it's really hard to model this kind of behavior.

Do you have any idea where he picked that attitude up? Does he hear that at home or friends, etc.? Tracing the source might help change it.

If he's like this all the time - like this wasn't an isolated incident, I've heard of a tough love thing where parents take out all the unnecesary stuff in a kids room and they have to live with the basics. It's more of a punishment thing for kids who've gone really over the top, but maybe you can adapt this for the next time it happens. If he doesn't appreciate the stuff you get him that he likes, ie the stuff that that he doesn't "need" to lie... he doesn't have to keep it. (You can always gradually return it when he appreciates it :)

Good luck!

This is horrible. PLEASE take this "opportunity" to teach your son gratitude, respect & the value of a dollar. This should be a family affair so everyone should sit down for the "new" rules. Make your kids earn the money to buy what they want. Let them know that this is not a punishment but a life lesson to help them learn that hard work pays off, remind them that this is how daddy earns money. Make a chore list & let them be a part of it. But he still needs a punishment so make him write a report about why its important to be thankful. Or take him to a grocery store & for 30 minutes have him help people load their groceries into their car. Volunteer work is a great family experience so make it a priority once a month. Either way you and your husband should take this problem & turn it into something positive. Best wishes