J.L.
I guess what distresses me most about some of these posts is the general assumption that these offending kids are being malicious and intentionally bullying the other children. As a preschool director/teacher for over 10 years, with extensive schooling in child behavior and psychology-this just simply is NOT the case.
While I agree that many parents do not supervise or appropriately guide their children to make better choices, the children are just that CHILDREN. Can you imagine how distressing a preschool class would be if every time a child took a toy from another or pushed another child that they were treated as if the infraction was premeditated and done with EVIL intent? Parents would pick up their kids from scowling teachers who would rattle off a long list of punishable infractions that each child did, convincing each parent that their child is destined for a state penitentiary by age 7!
Further imagine the frightening reality of a classroom when children were taught that every infraction demands an immediate and equally hurtful reaction? "That's ok Johnny if Sam took your truck you snatch it back from him." or "Oh Suzy, did Julie push you, well you shove her right back, that's right give her a good one."
OK, I know I'm getting carried away (I have to remind myself to reign in my pregnancy hormones), sorry if I am too forceful.
What I am really trying to say is that preschoolers live in the NOW, they don't think about 10 minutes from now or what happened 20 minutes ago, they are driven by experience and immediate reaction and action. So if one 4 year old wants to play in the water he walks up and plays in it. There is nothing in his realm of immediate experience that suggests he should stop and ask another child if it is ok if he plays. The water is there he sees no boundaries he steps in, it is not malicious or bullying, it is typical egocentric preschool behavior. Also when a preschooler doesn't react it is best not to assume their internal thought process-sometimes many interactions we perceive as infractions evoke nothing more than curiosity or another observable experience for children. For instance, child 1 is playing in the sand box with a stick and child 2 approaches the same area plops down and takes the stick from the child 1 (yes, as a parent you should teach your child not to take things without asking, but say mom of child 2 didn't see it) Child 1 watches child 2 with confusion. Child 2 starts to use the stick in a new and interesting way, child 1 quietly observes. Later child 1 takes back stick and uses it the new way.
Is it really so bad? I know our sense of motherly justice wants to scream DON"T TAKE THINGS FROM MY CHILD, but was child 1 really injured? Now if child 1 becomes upset and unable to express their feelings to child 2 then YES intervene by modeling the right words and actions. So mother of child 1 could say, " Oh, I think my child was using that stick, can he have it back please," Or "Johnny are you upset about the stick? Ask him for it back, say:may I please have the stick back."
The biggest thing to remember is that children don't perceive the world the same way we do, injustices are either BIG or small dependent on the frame of mind and immediate surroundings of the child. BUT preschoolers CANNOT easily distinguish between malicious attacks and simple normal everyday preschool infractions, so teaching them to retaliate in any way other than how you want them to handle normal conflicts is inappropriate and sends a mixed message.
IF your child is being seriously bullied/threatened/injured by other children it is up to the adults in that child's life to protect them. I have been the loud mom on the playground that marched right up to the little boy who slapped my daughter in the face and said in a very stern voice "You do not slap other children, leave my daughter alone." Much to the chagrin of the mom (on the phone) that was completely ignoring her son's increasingly aggressive behavior. But that little boy left the playground in tears (not my intention) and I think his mom will watch him a little closer next time. But it wasn't my daughter's responsibility to assess the situation realize the other child was totally out of line and retaliate by hitting back, shouting, or pushing etc. it was MY responsibility to watch her and intervene in the way I'd expect her to. If someone hits you firmly tell them NOT to do it.
Granted we can't prevent or fix every situation but with consistent diligence and by modeling good behavior we can teach them to take some things in stride and others to stand up swiftly and definitively without becoming violent in return.
BUT PLEASE remember they are just kids and they are not "out to get" your child, they are just egocentric and immature, they don't need a violent response they just need to hear a clear statement of your expectations for them.
