How Do You Prepare Your Daughter for Her 'Monthly Visit'

I have 2 daughters. My oldest is 12 yrs old. We started talking about a period when she was in 2nd grade (a niece from my side and my husbands started in 3rd grade). We started by asking her if she new what the commercials on tv for maxi pads where. Then we explained what it was. Then we talked about why you have a period, then we talked about how to care for yourself during your period, etc. Each time we talked about it the conversation only lasted maybe 5 minutes over a span of time. As a matter of a fact we still talk about it and the conversations still only last that long. Some days I would bring it up and other days she would ask a question and start the conversation. At the beginning she would tell me "TMI, TMI" (to much information) and I would end the conversation for a while.

These conversations start out about a period, but we have talked about sex education, how & why it works and why you should wait, dating, how boys should treat you and that it's never okay for a boy to treat you poorly.

The most important thing is to start to conversation, be open and be brief in each conversation. Stop when they have reached their limit and be open when they bring it up again...and they will bring it up again.

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Hi, You've gotten some great advice about your daughter. I don't have girls, so I would not be able to offer anything in addition. As a nurse, I think the advice you have gotten is solid and useful.

As far as your son, I think the other person responding is right to say I'll bet he already has been informed (or misinformed) and knows more than you think. My boys are 9 and 11. My eleven year old knows the whole story. I didn't want him sharing what he knew with his brother, so I started by asking Adam (9) what he did know. I was able to correct some misinformation and give him enough to be able to ask questions and feel comfortable to come back with new questions, which he has. I was careful to not go into a lot of details yet, adding that he should always view these kinds of conversations as private and come to me or his dad or his grandmother if he wanted to talk about it and not discuss what he knew with his friends (since that should be done by their parents like we did with him). I think it is also important to talk about your spiritual/religious view on the subject, if you have one.

You could also check out some books on the subject geared for little guys his age. You can find these books online and at Waldens and other large bookstores. Our christian bookstore also has a few.

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Hi, J.! My daughter is 11 and hasn't started yet, but the summer she was 9 we had the talk about it. I know she is getting close now because she has all the signs, pubic hair starting to develop and her little breasts are starting to develop also. I read that about a year after the pubic hair starts to grow you should expect your first period. She and I had an informal talk stretched out across her bed and we both giggled the whole time. I got the book, The Care and Keeping of You from American Girl. You can find it at most book stores and at Americangirl.com. The book explains more than just your period but also how to wash your face, use deoderant, shave your legs, etc. We did use the whole book because it shows how to insert a tampon and we aren't there yet. I talked to her about her period and why she gets one, etc. I did not talk to her about sex but waited another year and then talked to her about that.
After our first talk about her period, we went out and I helped her pick out her own pads to keep with mine so when the time comes she is prepared. I also told her that everytime she spends the night or goes to camp to take one or two with her just in case. I also told her that there are certain ladies in her life that she can talk to about this because they have one each month too. I also prewarned these ladies so that they knew if she came up with a question, they won't be caught off guard. I home school my kids, but she still hears all the negatives about sex from friends. At least she isn't exposed to all the negatives. A year later when she was 10 we had the sex talk. We definitely talked about oral sex because that is what most pre-teens and young teens are doing because they don't think it is sex. However, any disease you can get through regular sex, you can still get through oral sex. 5th graders are having oral sex! I really tried to convey to her that God gives us an umbrella of protection and as long as stay under that umbrella we are protected from the evils of the world (the umbrella being the Bible and what he says about sex) but when we stray from under the umbrella, He is still with us, but his protection cannot be guaranteed and that is why girls get pregnant. God states in the Bible that you should not have sex until you are married and if you do, you are leaving that umbrella of protection. I think the more we convey to our children the dangers of sex they more they are likely to not have sex until marriage. Did you know that 2 in 4 young people (age 14-20) have an STD? Cervical cancer is on the rise in young girls because a young girl's cervic is not developed enough to fight off bacteria like an adult cervic. It seems the world gets scarier as time moves on. We didn't have to deal with all those horrors in our pre-teen years, but our kids are. We just have to be able to provide them with good, solid information so they can be prepared. Good luck!

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I prepared my daughter by talking about how God created our bodies and how our skin keeps renewing itself with new cells and tissues. Since new skin is constantly growing/regenerating then our bodies naturally "get rid of" the older cells that we no longer need. We help that process by bathing/showering.

I told her that it is the same principle with some of our internal organs and that we need to get rid of the old cells because new cells are constantly growing.

I then asked her to think about how God created our bodies to help get rid of those cells--then prompted her to think about all the different types of fluids in our bodies.

I then asked her to think about which of those fluids we have the most of in our bodies and once we narrowed it down to blood (because she had "tee tee" being a real close runner-up :)) then I just told her that that fluid is the one God chose to give our insides a "shower" with. And we get that shower about once a month...

She said "Oh, okay, I get it." as if it all made sense that way.

Once the subject was in the open between us then at different times, we would talk about the discomforts and emotions that could come along with it and made sure she was preapred with items in her bookbag during school. We also talked about emotions/hormones and how they affect her friends and their attitudes as well.

I mentioned that sometimes when someone is acting a bit "out of character" then it is most likely their "hormones" talking and it is just a temporary thing and to forgive someone if they are acting particularly ugly when they noramlly wouldn't.

But don't forget to mention to her that even with everything we women have to put up with in life that it is a huge blessing to be a women because we get to experience and feel things that men do not. So, above all else, tell her to enjoy being a women with all its blessings!

Good luck!

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I have 2 daughters, 17 and 15. They saw the products in the bathroom cabinet and of course wanted to know what they were for. At an early age, my response was, those are something big girls use. Later when they became older around 9 or 10, our conversations became more detailed. How once a month a girls body has to clean itself on the inside. One day when their body was ready they would maybe have stomach cramps and then have blood in their underwear. I told them that it was nothing to be afraid of and t hat it was Gods way of helping us take care of our bodies. The amount of details and age is up to each individual.They never seemed upset or disturbed in any way. My oldest daughter started her period when she was in 6th grade, but my youngest was in 8th. I was never told anything by my mother. I was scared to death when I started my period.
Children usually don't need as much informatin initially as we think they might, but you will know what to say and when, when the time comes. My best advice is just be honest and open at age appropriate times. Answer their questions and make them feel welcome to ask anything. The locker room can be a scary place to get information, and most of it is worng or extremly exaggerated. Best of luck and God Bless!

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I have not seen it mentioned yet but there is a great book called "The Care and Keeping of You" by American Girls. I had my daughter read through it(it covers shaving legs, taking care of your skin and hair, periods, etc). This opened my daughter up to discussing the book with me and we had a great talk about everything at that point. I kept the book because I have 3 more daughters that I will need to have the talk with.

K.

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USbourne book company offers a good book for each gender that tells them about 'both' genders. I would try giving them a book and let them ask questions, you read the book first so you are familiar with what they will be reading. Also, in school, I think 3rd or 4th grade, they should have a class for the children that will help...check with their school.

I am also interested in your responses to this question.

With girls it's always better sooner than later. I was completely embarrassed when I started, it was 3:00 in the afternoon and I was at my Mom's shop with no way of handling it properly. She wouldn't listen to me and made me go home with my Uncle who later told her to "talk to me" about hygiene, because I stank. She would answer all my questions, but I wish she would have had some kind of kit for me and actually showed me how things worked and the risk of tampons. Slowly and thoroughly is the way to go. Maybe start with a girls night out or take her aside in a room that you have privacy. My mom had pamphlets and told me a lot. Keep the open talking an on going thing. Good luck.

J., great info from so many moms! I grew up on a farm so it was easy for my mother when I was 5 and asked "what are the cows doing??" Quite honestly, be honest! I was in nursing school when my oldest was 8. After learning girls start as early as 8, I went straight home and had a long talk with her. When she was in first grade, she told me she knew what daddy and I did in our bedroom.....knew the name but not the action! We had the talk then...I figure if they are asking questions, they need to know. Otherwise they'll find out from school and Lord help us with those ideas!

I tend to tell my children the full story of what a period is and what sex is. I also tell my daughters about their birth....currently ages 10 and 13 and they both swear to never have kids! lol! I love the Fear factor! Not to mention we discuss what a special thing sex is when you are married and that God doesn't allow otherwise. It's tough, though when you have family and TV showing unmarried mothers. I try to explain to them that this is a great way to better understand why you should wait until you are married, easier for you and the baby, not as hard of a life if you have help! And an education. They see that too with mom still going to school. Life is hard to keep from kids. They read into so much and learn from their friends. My best friend in high school had to learn about her period and sex from me because her mother REFUSED to discuss it! So sad....I won't tell you the difficulties she had in life because of it. Your son is the same way. They need to know from you not their friends! I don't know about the books. I've never used them myself, I've always just been honest about the situation. Why we have periods and why puberty happens. My very best to you and hope this helped! Take care

Wow!! What good advice you have received to help prepare your daughter (and your son). I just wanted to let you know what we did once my daughter did start!! First of all we made it a "Celebration of her Womanhood." We (me, her and a good girlfriend) went to the store to pick out some products (we already had some in stock for when it started, but once it came we made a big deal about going to buy some products and looking at all the choices) we then we out for a "girls-only" dinner celebration. We openly talked about it with her father so that he could congratulate her also. She is now 20 years old and has always felt comfortable about asking questions or talking with us about her growth and changes. Good luck and enjoy your little girl growing up...it is a wonderful thing.

Hi~

I'm 51 and 'been there and done that' (2 boys and 2 girls). Menstruation and sex are simply a part of life like eating, sleeping, talking, worshipping, reading, etc. Don't be nervous. People have been menstruating and having sex (and babies) since Adam and Eve and it's nothing new. God created it and it's 'all good'.

Be as matter-of-fact as you can without emotion -- and take advantage of every time THEY ask you a question, but only answer what they Actually ASKED w/very little elaboration. After you answer a few questions satisfactorily, they'll come to you with more later, don't worry! You WANT them to feel free and to trust you with their queries (vs school system or TV or their friends).

You might lead into it with your son while you're in the car with just him and the radio or a CD is playing (not to loudly, I hope! LOL Just make the scene as 'natural' as possible) and say something like, 'How would you explain where babies come from?' Let him talk til he stops w/o interrupting him. Depending on the accuracy of his response, ask him where he learned 'this' or 'that', correct any misconceptions, and ask him if he has any more questions (like, now). If he does, simply answer them; and be sure to tell him that he can come to you or his dad any time with questions about life -- that you want to be 'there' for him.

You didn't say how old your daughter is, but a friend of mine started her menstrual cycle at 9 (back in 1966), so be prepared at least that early! A little booklet with diagrams (to look at WITH her -- NOT to 'give to her') is helpful. You can point out where your and her ovaries are, the uterus, etc. Tell her that each month an egg is released, and if it's not fertilized, it goes into the uterus (which has prepared to incubate a baby 'just in case'), and then it all sheds away if not needed.

If you get your children coming to you about these important issues before puberty/adolescence, you'll have their trust for life.

J.,
The growing up talk is not something I look forward to, but it has to be done soon. In school the kids get the basic info on their bodies around 4th grade. This is when they start getting misinformation from their friends. I just bought a book called 'Just for Boys' written by Matt Crossick. It's a great book to explain how both sexes change during puberty. You may want to start talking about the birds and bees in the couple of years with your son and let your kids know you're here to answer any questions they may have.
For your daughter, I'd say talk to her now. My mom had a very simple talk with me only weeks before my first cycle began, which was cool for me. I knew what to expect and was prepared with pads (before they had wings!). She let me know it was part of growing up and becoming a 'young lady.' Some of my friends went through it first, so I heard talk about it at school in the girl's room. I was anxious to join those conversations, so I couldn't wait to start my period. That was about the time I realized you must be careful what you wish for because you just might get it! Good luck to you!

I had this same question awhile back. I have three girls, the oldest is 8. Someone recommended "The Care & Keeping of You, The Body Book for Girls" and I bought it. We haven't gone through it yet (it's still a ways away) but it looks wonderful. It is on their reading level but cover MANY topics they will need to know, including a chapter on Periods. It is from the American Girl Library. May want to check it out!

I think there's a handful of books for boys and girls - and for different ages. Maybe it would be good to get the books and read them yourself first, and then let the kids read them on their own. Then you can both go through the books together. And maybe get conversations started by you asking questions... and maybe they'll ask questions too! :-) Just remember to keep an open mind and stay calm. I will be so embarassed when it's time for me to do this, but this is how i'm planning on doing it. Good luck!

Here in NC, when your daughter is in the 5th grade, they have a class the school nurse gives. She talks to them and gives thema pamphlet and a "starter pad". I had already spoken to my daughter before that because I was 9 when I started and was afraid she would do the same thing. In FL and here in NC, (I have two sons) when the boys were in the 5th grade, they had a talk with them. Believe it or not, they will start hearing "things" way before this. It is better to talk with them and give them oorrect info than to learn it from others who don't know what they are talking about.

My fav book for new young ladies is http://www.betterworldbooks.com/Cycle-Savvy-id-###-###-##....

Some nice cloth pads may help her look forward to her cycle (they do me). http://www.sckoon.com/clothmenstrualpads.html

And, if you're spiritual, this group has a good perspective on "maidenhood". Less a curse and more a blessing. http://www.blessinggodsway.com/index.html

As an elementary teacher just know you need to do it by 5th grade!!!! I'm pretty conservative on values, and it must happen that early! Kids are getting pregnant in elementary school, so them and their friends are definitely talking about it. That means we need to be giving them info not some other 10 year old or resource that has different values than yourself. It may be uncomfortable, but just be mature about it yourself and if you don't know what they are asking just say your going to look it up and you all can talk again. Maybe even set up a time with your child when you are going to talk about it all, so they can come up with some questions before hand. Just make sure they feel comfortable talking to you. The last thing you want is them going to Planned Parenthood because you were all wierded out about it.

Hi J.,
I can answer your first question being my oldest is 8. We just had this talk a couple weeks ago. She saw a tampon in my purse and wanted to know what is was for. So we read her American Girl book, "The Care & Keeping of You" the body book for girls. It's a great book that has a Big Changes section that talks about pubic area, periods etc. The book also touches on how to take care of your hair, body and nutrition. You can get it at Barnes & Noble or Target but it's a bit cheaper at Target I believe. Afterwards, my daughter was a bit scared and grossed out but at least now she will know and she won't be so surprised when her period comes. There's other great American Girl books too like The Feeling Book and Friends, making them and keeping them. We enjoy these a lot. HTH!

My daughter started her periods at age 9 years and 6 months. We knew a year or so before that she was getting close. She had the swollen tender breasts, underarm and pubic hair. I went to see her school nurse to ask for advice. She gave me handouts to read, and talked with my daughter and me about how she should care for herself while at school. This proved to be the most helpful thing that I could have done. It was the school nurse that had to come to her rescue a couple of times in the 4th grade. For the first 9 months or so her cycle was not regular. She would bleed twice a month some months and not at all another. It was hard to track. She finally regulated and by the summer before 5th grade we were able to predict the onset. She would wear a panty liner for a couple of days before she was due to start, to prevent accidents. I would encourage you to be very open with her on this. I was careful not to make it sound like the plauge. I welcomed her to the new stage of life. She didn't really buy into it, but it did help me feel better about the whole thing. Good luck and God bless, We are now dealing with the whole middle school girl thing. Shew!!!

Im amazed how young girls are when they are starting their periods! I have a boy so thankfully dont have to have this discussion. I was older when I started mine (14) and had older sisters and had sex ed so I knew what to expect.

I dont know how old your daughter is but maybe start talking about some of the changes her body will go through - chest might swell, hair will grow where it didnt before, etc. Then let her know about this other change. If she likes to read or be read to, maybe get a book about it and read it together so she can ask you questions. stress that its nothing to be embarassed about, its normal, and will happen to her and all other girls at some point. I like the other mom's suggestion about the school nurse and how to handle it at school and wearing pantiliners for a few days before just in case... all great ideas!

My niece just turned 9 and my daughter will be 9 as well next month. My sister-in-law and I have been going round and round with this one too. We know the girls will talk (they are really close) so we know that we both need to have our own discussions around the same time. I agree with others that the American Girl book is wonderful at explaining things in terms that are easy to understand without making things sound "scary". I have recenlty previewed it. This subject was also a topic on I think it was the Today show earlier this week and Parenting magazine has launched a new one for "the school years" (it's about time) it looks good. One of this months articles was on this same topic. I have attached the link so you don't have to search for it. Http://www.parenting.com/article/Child/Development/What-to-Expec... (this talks about both girls and boys)
recently one of my daughters friends got her period while at school for the first time. She is 11 years old, but what shocked me more was that she was the last girl in her class to do so. some girls started at 9. yikes:)
As for us, we have decided that now that multiplication is out of the way, that spring break might be a good time to read the book with our daughters. Good luck with it all.

My own mother was useless. There is a great American Girl book, something along the lines of "all about me." You can pick it up at any Barnes and Noble, Borders, or even probably Amazon. I think its recommended for girls age 8 and up. I bought it for my little sister who liked it. It even talks about things like proper washing and use of deoderant.

My daughter is 12 years old and she started her period about a year ago. This is what worked for us. In our family the boys can go in the bathroom with daddy. For example the boys can go to the bathroom while daddy is shaving or they can get in the shower while daddy is going to the bathroom. My daughter can go in the bathroom with mommy. When I go to the bathroom I would let her come in the bathroom with me--even when I was on my period. From the time she was a little girl and became curious I explained being on your period to her. So, by the time she started her period it was just a natural part of life to her that she already knew about and understood.