How Do You Get Your Kid to Clean Her Room?

I choose my battles. I shut the door and walk out. I clean my kids' rooms once a year when they are gone to summer camp.
I look at it this way: They get straight A's. They are involved at school. They volunteer their time at different events. They have enough to do. I can go in and pick it up in 10 min. or I can shut the door.
I often tell them that I'm going to vacuum in there and that I need the floor cleared. They do that or I vacuum around the piles.
My kids are good kids. Their rooms are theirs. If they get sick of it, they'll pick it up or wait until July when I go in and shovel it out. I don't allow food or drink in their rooms, so I'm not worried about it being unhealthily filthy. I also require them to bring me the dirty clothes and the dirty sheets once a week. I wash it all, fold it, and leave it for them to carry up.
It is what it is...
LBC

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I have a 13 year old daughter who is a fantastic slob. I also have two boys who keep their rooms like Marine Barracks.

I think a lot like Ladybug. It's her space, not mine. She has huge grades, volunteers at school, after school, is a wonderful friend, a very pleasant person who makes excellent choices in every other area of her life.

Occasionally and with great humor, she and I will spend the day bailing out the dump. Mostly I close the door and pretend it's not there! It's a little joke in her circle of friends which seems to make her even MORE loveable among them. Nobody likes a perfect person, I guess.

The only punishment she get is I will not redecorate, paint or buy her any new furniture decor etc. I DO clean her bathromm for her on a regular basis (probably since it's the one I use too).

She will in all likelihood go to an excellent college, graduate with honors on scholarship, have a well paying professional job, and hire a WHOLE TEAM of housekeepers!

I feel bad for her college roommate!

I just don't see the point in creating stress about it. I just really enjoy who she is and am grateful that this is her ONLY flaw! Not a battle worth fighting for me either! I choose peace!

:)

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7 is a little young to understand what cleaning is. You probably need to give her specifics. For example, tell her that today she will have to pick up and put away her clothes. Next day might be the day to put all the toys away in a bin. Does she have a lot of stuff in there? I mean, what else is there besides clothes and toys and books? How is it getting so messy? I can't imagine her being in her room for 6 hours and not making any progress. Maybe you need to help her get it clean the first time and weed out some of the junk that is making it so messy.

Once they hit the teen years, it's best to just close the door and let them have their space. I'm have messy areas in my house (piles of bills, a junk drawer, etc.). Kids rooms, in my opinion, don't need to be perfect.

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My Boys get overwhelmed with clean your room they do not know where to start or where the end is, OMG!!! So I tell them go pick up 10 toys, then when that is done go pick up 8 toys they are thrilled b/c it is less than last time then 6 then 5 the 4 and so on. then we break and later we go again, break and go again untill it is done.

They are only 7 and 4.

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if you've got a great kid, that's way more important than a messy room. stop obsessing about it, and break it into tasks that are more manageable for her. today she has to clean the top of her dresser. tomorrow she cleans under the bed. the next day she unearths the closet. she's probably overwhelmed by the scope of the task and resentful of being punished for this pretty minor infraction when overall she's handling her 7 year old life awfully well.
stop sweating the small stuff. if the bedside table is overwhelmed 2 days after she's cleaned it, at least at that point she's vacuuming. just ask that she continue to work on small areas every day and don't expect pristine-ness.
khairete
S.

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What did she do from 3:30 to 9:30? Was she actually cleaning or was she hanging out reading/playing.

My daughter is 10. She can make her bed,pick up the floor, and put away the clothes on her own. However directions like "go clean your room" do not get me very far at all. Also, punishement doesn't work very well --- things take longer, unless there is a specific show she'll lose or a particular event she'll lose --- but even then the directions need to be clear.

What does work is, "Can you please go put your laundry away in the closets and drawers; and then pick up all your dirty landry and put in in the hamper. If you can get those two things done in the next 20 minutes, we'll get ice cream after lunch (or some other reward)" and then I set the kitchen timer for the 20 minutes. I could do all that in 5 minutes or less, but she needs longer, because my daughter is a straight A student but organizing stuff is really hard. My mother-in-law says my husband was the same way. If you told him to clean his room, he would dust and vaccuum ever inch very slowly -- he would spend an hour to on a two shelf book case. You could eat off the bookcase, but the rest of the room would be worse then when he started! I have a sister who was like that. Some people are just not good with "stuff."

When my Dad was dying last spring, I hired a professional organizer to come and help my daughter do her spring cleaning of her room. This mean going through all the drawers and closet to find all the clothes that don't fit, and reorganizing all the book cases. My daughter loves books. Since doing that she has been able to keep it neater because she really understands where the things should go. Part of the problem with cleaning up, if you have thing that have never really been given a "home" it can become overwhelming to make the decisions.

All of this was hard for me to understand because according to my Mom, she never had to tell me to clean my room. I just saw my older siblings do it, and I did it. Organizing stuff was easy for me, thus the cleaning was easy.

Consider talking to her about why this is so hard for her and takes so long? Tell her that you are frustrated and hurt (the hurt is a big deal at this age) that she doesn't seem able or willing to do this, and why is that? Then listen, she may have a reasonable problem that if you talk and listen, you may be able to solve.

If that doesn't work try rewards, specific directions (chunk the room down in to smaller tasks); and time limits for each task. This may work. It is worth a try.

If all that fails, you may have to reduce the stuff in her room, until you get it down to something she can manage.

Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

I was/am your daughter. I agree with everyone who says you need to break it into chunks and be very specific. In my case, it would have helped to have an adult sit down with me when the room was clean, and identify where everything belongs. It was so difficult, I'd pick something off the floor and have no idea where to put it, so I'd stick it somewhere or drop on the floor. As much as you can, if you can make it a game or a puzzle, not a punishment, that will help. Once you get the room clean, if it is that important to you, you will need to instill a brief rountine for keeping it clean. Something like, you have to make your bed before you come down for breakfast. Or a 5 minute clean before dessert. Whatever works for your families schedule. Again, keep it lighthearted, but if you can teach her a few minutes a day, you will be doing her a lifetime service. I was voted messiest in college, and now in my 40's I am trying to teach myself the lessons some people just seem born with. If you are a neat person, it's hard to imagine, but even still, I get very overwhelmed with cleaning and all the decisions, somethimes it's easier not to do it (so yes, I have a housekeeper). If you can treat this as something she needs to learn and not as a personality defect, you'll be doing her a huge favor.

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It sounds like you have a wonderful child. No wonder you hate to discipline her for not cleaning her room. It sounds like it's just not important to her, even though I'm sure she's sad that it frustrates you. What is it that frustrates you about her messy room? You said she is responsible, so what does keeping her room "clean" accomplish? Is she constantly complaining about loosing things or does her mess spill into other parts of the house? Can you concede this little area of the house to her and just request that she close the door? If she really is having difficulty keeping track of her stuff (homework, etc), then maybe it's time to clear out some clutter from the room. Need to get ready for Christmas anyway...Just my pondering ideas. Hope you find a mutually satisfying solution to this for both you and your wonderful gift of a daughter. Good luck.

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Have her clean in sections. Tell her, clean off your desk and come get me when you're done. When she does that say, Now put all of your books on the book shelf and come get me when you're done and so on. It works good for my kids.

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I break it into smaller, more managable chunks. If it is a huge mess, I'll grid it off. "First clean everything between the dresser and the wall over to the edge of the closet door, come get me when that is done and we'll have a snack" - and systematically move him around the room. If it isn't totally trashed, I have him do it in "catagories" - "Andrew, pick up all the clothes on the floor and put them on your bed, then hollar for me". Then I'll go in and sort through them, wash, fold, hang, etc. And I make him help. Then I tell him to get all his army guys and put them in the bucket. Then it's all the trash, etc....

Yes, we still have the griping and complaining, but he is a huge outside kid, and it's no going out until this is done, so take as long as you like. Usually it doesn't take him very long.

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i used to put the clothes in my daughters room away and while i was she would have to clean. if you do this everytime you have clothes it should be kept at a decent level of cleanliness.

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I agree with "close the door and let her have her space."

My sisters and I were messy – classic passive-aggressive resistance. My mom was hyper-controlling, and we hated it fervently. We all sort of discovered that this was one of the few ways we could fight back. After we moved out, all of us were considerably neater.

Same with my daughter – she was a great kid and top-notch student. But when I married her step-dad, he had issues with her room and it got much messier. The struggle continued until she went away to college, and she became a neat person overnight.

The only rules I would have are:

1. No food or dirty dishes left in room overnight (creates smells, might attract vermin);

2. The kid is responsible for getting clothes into laundry if they need washing, and folded, hung, and put away afterward. Otherwise, she wears them in whatever state they're in;

3. Any funky smells mean something needs to get cleaned or laundered.

The clean room is your issue, not hers. But if you back off long enough, it just may become her issue, because she'll be the only one experiencing consequences.

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I haven't read all the responses, but did read a few. First, this was me when I was younger. Everything was all over. Nothing my parents did helped. However, my parents weren't always very responsible as far as making sure my stuff was clean when they had control of it (clothes, etc). So at 8 I was trying to learn to do my own laundry, etc, and I was very overwhelmed. Also, toys and books that were all over distracted me from doing schoolwork. I got good grades, but sometimes I stayed up all night and my parents had no clue. I wished they would have helped me organize, but they didn't (and didn't know how to), so I was left to my own. The specific instructions would have really helped me. My kids are the same. I take a piece of paper and draw things on it (a hamper, clothes, toys, bed, etc) and then they can cross it off when they've finished putting it away. It helps them know what I want cleaned, and lets them feel a sense of accomplishment. Also, I try to make sure that what they "need" done, I do for them. If Thursday is red shirt day, I need to make sure I've washed their clothes that they put in the hamper so their red shirt is clean. I teach them that we're all responsible for our stuff. I also teach that keeping our stuff clean and nice is a way of saying thank you to God for letting us have it. I ask, "What if you made M. a really nice card, and I left it on the floor for people to walk on? Wouldn't that make you sad? What if it was a really special shirt you bought M. for my birthday? If I didn't take care of it, that would make you kind of sad, wouldn't it? Well, God lets us have lots of stuff, so taking care of it is a good way of saying Thank You to God." An important thing to note with that, is that when I let the car get messy or my room's a mess, my kids have the right to call me on it and tell me to clean it to show God I appreciate it. We try to teach thankfulness for everything, and part of being thankful is keeping stuff nice. If something gets broken on accident, it's not big deal here, but to keep things organized helps us. I'm really big on there being a certain place for everything-it helps the kids know where to put it (or me, when I help them clean), they know where to find it, and they can focus on homework/learning activities better. They also get to enjoy toys more and they don't get lost as easily. In our home, organization is a winning strategy for all of us.

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my kids are 7, 4, and 1. we straighten up bedrooms/playroom/media room before lunch/naptime, and again before bed. all areas must be cleaned up as if i had done it myself(which i haven't since the day we moved in 4.5 years ago). the older two kinda sorta tried to buck me once about 2 years ago, so i let them know they had ten minutes to finish up, or i would be "cleaning up" with a trash bag - the thing is, they KNEW i would do it. i will say, a small child has a hard time sorting/organizing without a lead. in our house, everything has a place, and it's very neatly and simply organized - so that assists the kids in cleaning up completely, easily, and quickly. maybe assist her in finding a place for everything this one time(unless you've already done that), and then i'd get serious with some consequences. you have one hour to clean your room, whatever is not put away neatly is going in garbage bags - THEN DO IT! if it comes to that, maybe after a week of keeping the things you left in her room clean and tidy, give her back a few of the things you took away. maybe she has too much "stuff", encourage her to go thru what she doesn't need to donate some things? why do you feel bad doing anything to her? you are helping her become a responsible young lady - the parents that don't care enough to discipline their children are the ones that should feel bad. good luck!

after i read my post, i realized the last sentence may sound like i'm referring to ppl in this thread that don't make their kids clean - i'm not referring to that AT ALL. we all run our homes in different ways. i just mean discipline(and that doesn't mean punishment) in general - disciplining our children, teaching them right from wrong(again, i'm not talking about cleaning up rooms lol), is a gift, not something we as parents should feel guilty for :)

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OK -- so this will maybe sound a bit hokey, but check out: http://www.housefairy.org/ . She has lots of great ideas, videos, etc. for parents and kids to get a handle on messy bedrooms. Your daughter is still way young enough that she would enjoy something like this. Check it out!

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She can't be the messiest kid in the world--my son is! She sounds just like my 11-year-old and I will be monitoring these answers for some ideas. Right now he has a play date for Friday, an off day from school, but has been told it will be cancelled unless his room gets picked up. Good luck!

My dad used to fight this battle with me everyday for years. Even hanging my underwear outside did not influence me to clean it up. If left on my own, it would take hours. I would get distracted and play with the toys, and I honestly could not see what was messy. My dad eventually decided to pick his battles and if nothing was growing in there, to close the door and just leave it alone. I can't tell you that I am much different today. I really believe that some people just don't have the ability to stay organized. I wish that someone had sat with me and shown me how to do it then, but I don't think it would have helped. I now make my daughter keep her room a little clean, but I don't push it. No amount of punishment is going to make your daughter care other than maybe throwing everything away a couple of times.

here's how i fixed that problem....i told my daughter, you have until x time to clean your room to my standards, what ever i have to clean up will go in the trash, then follow through with it...it'll only take one maybe two times for you to do that before she'll nip it in the bud, i also told her when i did throw toys away that she wont get any to replace them until christmas or birthday...worked like a charm :)

One thing that helps is having "a place for everything" so "everything can be in it's place". Bins that go on shelves-no clothing that is too small or doesn't get worn-seasonal clothing stored away that is not being used-areas for shoes and boots-a place to hang everything-no food or dishes in the bedroom-organized desk-stark furnishings -bed, dresser, chest of drawers, chair, toybox, dirty clothes hamper, etc-minimalism is the key. She has to have the means to get and stay organized. Please don't tell me the tv is in her room-big no-no. Give your daughter ample time to clean her room-she has to be shown and taught-after that-confiscate everything that doesn't get put away-do this for an uncomfortable amount of time-when she is attending school in her PJ's maybe she'll get the picture! Good luck-it only gets worse when they are teenagers.

I'll just add my experience: as a "recovering messy room kid" I know that a lot of my problem is that I was simply unable to figure out what to do with stuff as I got it. There was no system in my room as a kid and no one ever took the time to TEACH me how to organize. For some kids it almost comes naturally, but for some, they need to be taught. Take some time to train her and get her in some good habits (as something new is coming into her room, help her think about a place for it to go instead of just putting it down somewhere). Then she'll be more prepared to keep things a little neater on her own.

My 6 year old doesn’t get her $5 allowance if her room isn’t cleaned by dinner Friday night. We’ve used the “if I have to do it, it goes to goodwill” method before, but we didn’t like the idea of giving away things we’ve (and family members) spent money on to teach her a lesson. We’ve done the allowance for about 6 months now, and she’s only ever not gotten it twice. Hope this helps.

I have the same problem w/my 10 and 7 yo daughters. I can't wait to read the responses!

Having organizers is extremely important. A place for everything and everything in it's place. Also, consider purging her room periodically so that you get rid of things on a regular basis. Things are always coming in, but rarely do things go out, so be certain you purge to get rid of items she's outgrown and/or no longer plays with.

My girls (13 and 5) were horrible . . . I spend 2 days of my vacation cleaning thier rooms while they where at school. I gave them the option of cleaning it or I would - I gave them the deadline of Monday,it didn't happen, so I did it. I got rid of clothes too small, toys not played with - simplifing the mess is easier to keep clean, less clothes that they don't wear anyway, toys not played with - if that makes any sense. Now, part of their allowance is to keep it clean. So everyday, dirty clothes get put in the hamper, then clean clothes put away, then pick up toys and lastly, go through the house and pick up all your stuff (or it gets thrown away by me). This has been huge in keeping their rooms clean as well as the rest of the house. Their rooms are on the main level, so I can't shut the door and forget about it. In addition, my 13 yr has to keep it clean to earn privileges. I want to teach her to take care of what she has.

One thing that might help is to give her a list of what she needs to do instead of just saying "clean your room". She may not know where to start. If you gave her a check off list to maybe #1 - pick up all clothes from the floor and hang up or put in laundry. #2 Put toys in the toybox etc. This would break a daunting task into small pieces that she could handle. Another thought would be to clean it with her once more...everything away and spic and span and then put up a daily list of chores that will keep it that way. Next to that list, put a list of consequences for not doing the chores. Day #1 - chores not done = no tv. Day #2 - chores not done = no tv AND no outside etc. Let them build on each other. She would have to do all the chores that were backed up as well. Maybe that is an idea. Good luck. I've been there and I wasn't strict enough with my daughters and they still are not tidy in their own homes. Then, with my younger two (sons), I cracked down early and often and at 6 and 17 their rooms and playroom (for the younger) are neat and organized always, although sometimes a bit dusty. I can live with that.

I have a typical 7 year old and autistic 3 year old that share a room. The 7 year old cleans it daily. I tell her exactly what I want done and she does it, begrudgingly so sometimes. I don't just say "clean your room" but rather "pick up toys" "make beds" and so on. I also have her put away their laundry. Again, she does this weekly with a bit of a "I don't want to" whine but she knows it's all part of her responsibility and everyone in the house has a part in keeping up with their responsibilities. She does not have the choice to refuse to do it....err she can refuse to do it of course but the consequences are not worth it to her.

Oh and as a side note yes my daughter gets nothing but As in school, has great friends and a fantastic relationship with all authority figures; this is just another part of life that all people, children included have to learn how to do and is expected of them.

My kids have a very very messy room . Granted they do share a room but do the clothes really have to be on the floor? We have sometimes gotten to the point that my husband or I will go in, sweep everything into a pile and they have to go through it and pick things up. My husband has even gone so far as putting everything into the garbage bag no matter what it is. Then I end up taking it and going through it. I cannot buy new clothes or socks or whatever because he threw them out. That is expensive! My kids are 11 but we have had this problem since they were younger. I do not think 7 is too young to put things where they belong. Maybe if you break things up it will get better. Sometimes that is what works best. The weird thing is when my kids were 2, 3 or 4 we had no problem getting them to clean up. Now it is a fight. And lots of grounding and lost privileges.