How Do You Get Your Hubby to Get Things Done??

I know my hubby is tired after a long day at work but he always says just ask me to help out and I will. I have learned very recently to not ask him for generic help... I have to say specific tasks I would like him to do..ie..honey, will you empty the baby tub and wash it out and put it away while I put her down for the night? He now knows what task AND what time frame I would like something done. I had asked him a couple nights earlier to "take care" of the baby tub and what he did was take it out of the sink and set it on the counter. It is kind of silly, I feel that I have been treating him like a child but I had noticed too that he just would not do the one task that I would ask of him...

Well, you said that these are your priorities, not his. Maybe he is deliberately avoiding what you want him to do because you are treating him as a child, not a husband. It was his birthday party and he stayed up until 3am cleaning (my husband would never have done that) and yet instead of saying thank you, you complain because he didn't clean what you told him to clean?!?! Put yourself in his shoes...how would you feel if he was constantly barking orders at you (including finding a new job).

I feel for you ladies - I really do. After reading your posting - I realize how lucky I truly am.
I have a view on both sides of this though -
My daughters father wsa the type that would work and get home a few hours before me - fall asleep on the couch and then wake up in the middle of the night and play video games until it was time for him to leave for his job in the morning again. Yeah - we didnt have much of a relatinship for long. Much longer than we should have - but I got the the best years of his life and the best he had to offer - I have a beautiful daughter thanks to him. In that relationship I did it all - the lauundry, cooking, cleaning, yard work... ALL OF IT.
Now, after being a single mother for 6 yrs after that relationship - and still doing it all by myself... boy did I get used to it.... lol I became reaquinted with a wonderful man that I have known since middle school. It is a learning expirience for me to come home and have dished done or laundry put away or hte kitchen cleaned or the house vacuumed or the grass cut - all without having to ask. As a matter of fact I would prefer to him not to do it because I am so not used to it, lol and I dont know how to take it. But he so wants to help me. He picks up my daughter from the YMCA when he gets off work before I do, he even fixes dinner for the 5 of us on occassion - even though I prefer for the kitchen to remain my domain, lol.
Like I said - I have been there and have seen both sides of this coin - good luck - try to find the positives of what he is willing to help with and appreciate those. dont force more - it will cause fights and stress on the relationship. It wasnt the cause my relationship split - my daughters father was cheating - but - still....good luck and like a child - choose your battles carefully.

It depends on what it is. If I've got car trouble, an electrical problem in the house, or the pump on the well is acting up, my husband is on it right away. He's a Godsend in any emergency! He works long days (leaves 6am and is home 7pm) and we hire a neighbor to trim around the house and mow the lawn. When it comes to buying a shed - it's up to him to pick out what he wants, how big (figure out what size you want then go one size larger), what kind of doors, etc and he's been putting it off for later for over 2 years now. I don't get into power struggles with my husband. He's not a child and I'm not his mother and I really do not enjoy nagging. (I save the nagging for my work - they actually pay me for it. I'm diplomatic and work from home with people on 4 continents and I get results.) It's really more of a strain on me to say it than it is for him to hear it and I just won't go there. If I care that much about it - I'll just do it myself or hire someone to get it done. If it's something only he can deal with, I'll pile up whatever and/or put it in a bag and close it out of sight in his desk. You've discussed this with him. He agrees with you but has no solutions to the problem, so just solve it yourself. If he doesn't like whatever you come up with, then he has the opportunity to come up with something better, but it's a pretty good bet he'll just be happy it's solved and leave it alone.

I think all marriages struggle with this (I know mine does sometimes). Things I've found that help (and I have to remind myself to do these!):
* Stay positive. Encourage/reward good behavior. You say he was up till 3 am cleaning. Well, even though you're irritated he's not done, instead of asking when he's going to get it done, say "Thanks for working on that till 3 am. I appreciate the hard work to try to get it cleaned up."
* Address the issues when neither of you is upset, and try to do so in non-judgmental ways. Instead of saying "You never do anything to help!" try, when you're both calm and in decent moods to say, "I feel like I need a bit more help trying to balance all the chores." (go with "I feel" statements instead of "You do/don't" statements).
* Ask yourself this: was he always like this? My DH, whom I love, has always been the way he is, and sometimes I just have to remind myself, that, hey I knew when I married him that he procrastinates, and that he sometimes gets stuck, as a perfectionist, trying to find the absolute best solution, when the so-so solution is really just fine.... And when I get mad about it, I remind myself that he is that way, and I can work with, or work around it, but it isn't fair of me to think I can "change" him.
If he has not always been this way, then it's fair to bring that up to him, in a kind way, and ask him if things are okay.
* You can catch more flies with honey.... I generally get a better response if I ask nicely and leave it alone for a week or so, than if I ask every day or a couple times a week, or if I get mad when I ask.

You have my empathy.... :)

Parts of your message sound just like our weekend. My husband is very good about doing things, but the last part about him acting like your child is all too resonant in our house.

Somehow, our relationship ended-up that we split most of the household chores. I tend to cook, clean-up the kitchen, do laundry and general cleaning. He does most of the vacuuming, takes out the trash, heavy yard work (we split the mowing).

One of our neighbors was complaining about her husband over the weekend because he just doesn't do anything either. I think it's one of those personality traits that's really hard to change. I know I'm quite fortunate that he helps as much as he does (in our family).

My mother is a hoarder. She and my father have lived in their house for 25 years, and it's really hard for me to be there. She keeps EVERYTHING, and despite expensive organizational systems, she fills them with useless stuff.

My thoughts on your husband is that he's either depressed or a hoarder (an anxiety disorder associated with OCD). It could be that it just doesn't bother him either which may be more personality than anything.

I don't really have any advice to offer, but I know you're certainly not alone. Good luck!

I can relate from the other side...my husband is the clean one and I can never get things clean enough for him. If I sweep the kitchen he will literally do it again. Once he took all the dishes out of the dishwasher I already loaded and reloaded it "more efficiently". I straighten our junk spot on the counter next to the microwave and he will clean it again because it is not straight enough.

So we have developed an understanding...IF he asks me to clean something he has to leave it alone...OR he has to clean it in the first place.

It is so disheartening to have my work redone...why did I take the time to do it at all? Maybe he feels like he can't do it "right" so he doesn't do it at all? Just a thought...

DH and I just tend to fall into our roles for what we take care of. It ends up pretty well balanced. Overall, the bottom line is that the person who cares most about something getting done, does it.
If you hate that corner on the counter, then YOU clean it. Or put something else there so that he stops dumping stuff there. You can't alter his behavior, only yours. He's a grown man.

And as you've noticed, it's YOUR priority, not his. Barking orders is one of the least effective ways to get ME to do anything. I'm guessing you don't like it either, so how do you think your husband feels?
If I have something that I can't do myself, then I just ask DH to do it. I accept that he'll either get it done on his timeframe, or I'll find a way to do it if I can't deal with waiting. To me, it's not worth getting worked up over.

Another thing to consider is how being jobless affects your DH. He's probably feeling pretty useless right about now, and that tends to manifest in laziness, rather than productivity.

All my ex husband had to do was take out the trash and wash the laundry but he couldn't bother to do it. After much stress about this and also finding out he couldn't get it done because he was busy chatting to women online, I divorced him. I'm now married to a wonderful man that does EVERYTHING and I never have to ask him anything. He is being disrespectful to you and your kids and needs to shape up. Try councelling. If he won't go, you need to find a real man that will be a true partner in life. Good luck.

I feel kinda bad for your hubby!, he stays up till 3am cleaning, and this is still not enough?, wow!, I think I would fall down in a faint if my hubby stayed up until 8pm cleaning, in fact he does not clean very much ever, but I a, a SAHM, so I do see it as my job.
I worked for 11 years full time though with kids, so I know your pain, I still did 90% of the chores. if I want my hubby to do something I usually have to give him one chore to do, like please would you take out the trash, or please would you vacuum, ask nicely, no bossing, or threats, I find nobody likes that.
Don't treat him like a child, he is a man and probably works hard to bring in some dosh, give him a sexy smile or a kiss and ask him, you will find him more receptive to doing as you ask.

One thing I always do with my husband is give him choices. "Do you want to give the kids a bath and get them to bed, or clean up the kitchen? Do you want to walk the dog and take the kids to the park or make dinner? Do you want to go to the grocery store or vacuum the floors?" I think just by giving him a choice makes him feel that he's not being told what to do and he automatically gets "his choice" done. (This will only work though if you don't feel resentful over which choice he makes and what you have to do because of what he chose to do.)

Sometimes, and I mean sometimes, if I make a list for him to check things off, that works. Otherwise, I think your husband and mine were separated at birth! :)

Wow- it is hard when one person has to do all the work in the house. Your husband needs to grow up!

Seriously, just stop cleaning up after him. Stop doing his laundry, stop making his dinner- tell him that you are his wife, NOT his live-in maid and until he pulls his share of the clean-up weight, you're not doing it for him.

If he still doesn't comply and help out- take your child and go stay with your parents for a week. Tell him that when you come home, you want to see the house cleaned up and you want him to make an appointment with a counselor for both of you. I know that may sound drastic- but it doesn't sound like he even respects you enough to care, so it may TAKE something drastic!

You could also tell him that he needs to pay for a housekeeper or cleaning lady to come every week- out of his 'fun money' that he uses for golf or hobbies, etc. If he isn't willing to grow up and clean up after himself, he needs to at least pay someone else to do it.

Good luck- I can't stand it when men act like babies about chores. My ex was like that and it was exhausting to deal with. My husband now is a wonderful, mature guy who just DOES stuff that needs to be done- even chores that belong to me or my son- just because he sees that it needs done! It is WONDERFUL- good luck!~ I hope your husband can learn to be like that as well!

I'm a hubby with 37 years of experience next month. I like reading mamapedia because it gives me a LOT OF PERSPECTIVE of the woman's point of view. I have used some of the things I've learned here to make my marriage better.

The problem you seem to be explaining seems to be one of your point of view vrs his point of view. You told him to "clean the counter". I'll bet you didn't tell him like you were just begining to date. I bet you told him like you had become comfortable with him and had been married to him for several years. You said his mom was a hoarder. He grew up with that. That is the norm from his point of view. He may hate "cleaning the counter", but doesn't mind vacuuming or doing the other things he did. Also, he may already think the "Counter is clean".

I hate washing dishes. I HATE (!!!) washing dishes. It used to bother my wife that I never washed my share of dishes. But I did other things. I would have washed the dishes more if my wife had "rewarded" me for washing the dishes or even said "Thank you" and gave me a hug and a kiss. But from her point of view, washing the dishes was a common "so what" house hold chore and didn't rate even a thank you. Key Point: You want him to do something. Thank him for the things he does do. Tell him you want him to put . . . wrench (item on the counter) . . . in his tool box. Hand it to him if necessary. When he does it, thank him and give him a hug and a kiss or other "reward".

I still hate washing dishes. It really bothers me when my wife doesn't say "thank you" when I do. When I do wash dishes, its because my wife has done something I appreciate and when I'm done with the dishes, I ask my wife, "Do you know why I did the dishes?" She used to say,"No". I'd reply, "Because I love you!" And I'd give her a hug and kiss. Very rarely does she say, "Thank you".

Treat him like he is something special and did something special when he cleans the counter. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Just a thought . . . if he washes the dishes, folds the clothes, makes the bed, mowes the lawn, takes the trash out, keeps a garden, but doesn't clean the counter, you might consider yourself lucky and "clean the counter" yourself.

Good luck to you and yours. Love is a verb, not a noun.