How Do You Define Intimacy?

Hmmm......

Off the top of my head while taking a break from mundane household chores.. my definition would be this.

Respect, closeness, and oneness in the most vulnerable of moments without fear of rejection,belittling or backfire at a later moment...total trust.

I think intimacy is both of what you describe--a mixture of mental and physical closeness. I think both are equally important.

I think intimacy means different things for different folks. Sure physical and emotional closeness is a big part if it for me. It's whatever makes you feel good with that person! My husband and I have a very strange kind of psychic bond (no other word to describe it). We can be in different parts of the house, walk into the same room, and start talking, at the same time, about what were just thinking about. A lot of times, it's the same random thing. We laugh and giggle at the oddity of it and always comment on how strange it is that we were thinking the same random thought. I have never had that kind of intimacy or connection with anyone, ever. For us, when this happens, it always confirms we are soul mates. He's yang to my yin. It doesn't get more intimate than that! :)

I would relate it more to trust than anything else.

As for the lack of touching your husband provides, perhaps the two of you should try the 5 Love Languages quiz and see where the two of you come out. It it likely that physical touch ranks high for you and low for him. But if you have it spelled out from a quiz, you can (both) consciously take steps to please the other person and fill their needs.

I really like what Birds wrote. I have girlfriends who can hold stimulating conversations with me. I think our (mine and my husband's) sense of closeness comes with our commitment to each other and our investment in raising up our son to be a decent human being. Sometimes it's not about passion or romance, sometimes it's about knowing that the other person is going to be happy you surprised them with a martini or a favorite meal or getting an errand done or just a kind word of acknowledgment without their having to ask for it. Knowing when those things are just gravy and knowing when they are necessary. It's about the day in/day out sense of familiarity and knowing that even if you could have it differently, you wouldn't. For me, it's the investment in the commitment, and then behaving/thinking in ways which support it.

Our relationship used to be a lot like yours. The only time he touched me was when he wanted sex, although we connected in many other ways. But, I never really felt loved or wanted, other then for sex. We went to counseling for a while and we learned about the love languages, and once my husband understood what it was I needed from him he was more then happy to try. It was slightly awkward at first because we were not used to so much contact without it leading to sex, but the more we did it the more normal it became, and now we can hardly keep our hands off each other. We did have to do some excersises to get used to it, like cuddling but not letting it lead to to sex. Sit him down and in a non-accusing way simply try to express how you are feeling, and make sure that you touch him often so you can lead the way to how you want to be treated.

S., I've been thinking of you and your physical intimacy issues, quite a bit, the last day or so.

I'm pretty sure I mislead you about the physical intimacy I share with my current husband. He was not a demonstrative, lovey-dovey sort of guy in the beginning. I distinctly remember laying in bed after making love and he got up, walked away to tend to something, and I yelled, "Hey, come back here. You're supposed to cuddle with me now."

Slowly, over time, I physically showed him what I like in terms of being touched. I love my neck kissed, I love my hair stroked, I love my shoulders rubbed - hard, very hard. And I absolutely must spoon, several times a week. Every night if he's home.

That's what I was referring to in my prior answer, that you have to determine what you want and what you don't want, and then you must slowly start to train him and teach him, until he is comfortable with returning the same.

There have been rough spots in our marriage when my husband and I connected over intense conversations. And that is more of his Asian, super educated background peeping through. Once I realized that this intellectual stimulation was his replacement or surrogate way of physically connecting with me. I stopped. I literally stopped engaging with him over issues he wanted belabor.

It comes down to a simple fact - you can go outside your marriage for intellectually stimulating conversations, and you can reach outside your marriage and find friends for sports and cultural events, but unfortunately, we live in a culture that does not condone going outside our marriage for physical intimacy. If that is an unmet need for you (and from the sounds of your post, it is) then perhaps you can see a sex therapist and learn the tools necessary to teach your hubs. Since he won't go with you.

Maybe it's not intimacy that you lack. It sounds like you have little to no passion between you. You enjoy and appreciate each other, but you don't WANT each other.

Years ago, I was "dating" a guy who lit me up. We could hardly get anything else done, because we were having hot, passionate sex at every turn. I mean, we were like two sticks starting a campfire just by holding hands. He wouldn't marry me because he always thought of me as a distraction. He had a hard time balancing being so sexually turned on all the time and being productive in the world. He didn't want to WANT somebody to that extent.

Some people don't feel comfortable feeling HOT for and being intimate with the same person. It makes them feel too vulnerable and out of control.

ETA: Intimacy for me is a certain way of knowing each other's little things. You two are aware of each other's habits and motivations, but how honest and wide open are you with each other? Your relationship looks great on paper, more than compatible. How good are you at reading each other's emotions and meeting unspoken needs. How do you address the intangibles? From what you describe, you two are great friends with a great sex life.

Intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable.
You can talk about everything.
That's great!
Start talking.

I don't define intimacy. I have been married to my husband for 18 years and we have been together for 26 years. I love him, we talk openly, we share lots of interests, we have a pretty good sex life etc. I am not very affectionate with him. It is not him, it's me. I don't really enjoy hugging, cuddling, holding hands etc. Not with my husband, my kids, my siblings, my cats...I like my personal space. My husband understands that about me. He knows when I do give him a big hug it is very meaningful because it is for him, not me.

Here is my 2cents: Basd on both questions, it seems like your husband needs some work on being more giving and generous. Marriage is a give and take and he does not seem to do enough giving. Yes, you two have a lot in common but it takes more than that for the long haul. My hope is that the two of you can find a way to work on that part of the relationship.

What matters is that you both feel satisfied with the closeness of your relationship, not how often you light up the sheets.
If you're wanting more frequent sex, then you need to tell him so.

I already tried to answer, but my computer lost it, so I'll try again.

To me, intimacy is all of those things you described. The talking, the enjoyment of each other, connecting emotionally and psychologically. I completely separate intimacy from sex. I find sex to satisfy a need (desire to get off) and keep it all physical. During sex, so much is already being shared physically, that to open up emotionally at the same time makes me feel completely vulnerable and exposed and I absolutely hate the feeling. I know this about me, my husband knows it about me, and we both accept it and have not expressed any kind of desire to address/change it. I know I'm weird and in a minority and probably have some psychological issues going on, but it is what it is. So in summary, if I have a need to feel intimate and connect, sex is the absolute last thing I want.

Why are you second guessing yourself? You give such a great description of yourself and your interests. Yet you seem to lack confidence. Is it because you WANT the physical aspect of it? If you aren't getting the physical aspect of it, then you need to talk about it too, just like you do about everything else.

Work with him on it. Perhaps taking a dance course with him might help.

S., I didn't get a chance to respond to your other question but my first thought was that at least in the bedroom, you and your husband have a sexual relationship but not an intimate one. Sounds like other people suggested that as well?

The bottom line is that as healthy as other parts of your marriage are, in this one arena, you both have unmet needs and that's worth talking about, thinking about, and exploring. It doesn't make either of you bad or needy. Based on your other post, if I were you (and I have been in your shoes somewhat), I would feel that the pendulum has shifted too much towards the place where you are feeling a bit objectified and used. As if you are feeling like instead of being your husband's treasured partner, you are the means by which he satisfies his own sexual needs - which are getting rather impersonal - at the expense of your need for true sexual intimacy. In my opinion, there's room in marriage for exploring and keeping things spicy, but there's also a need to get back to just the two of you, together, sharing something that's special and loving and simple that only a committed couple can share. My guess is that you are interested in a balance, and that's a totally normal and healthy expectation.

There's a really great book that I think you would like called "Intimacy and Desire." It's a complex read - this is no Dr. Phil tome serving up tripe - but I think it would really interest you and give you and your husband some good things to talk about together.

Another good resource is marriagebuilders.com. There is an emotional needs questionnaire (knows as the ENQ) that can be a really telling exercise. It basically lists the 10 basic emotional needs and has each partner rank them and list why, and then you share your lists. Number one on my list was honesty, as I figured it would be for everyone. That was something like number 6 or 7 on his. Really? Yes! He basically said that he's fine not knowing things that would upset him or rock the boat and that trusting people really isn't important to him. That's the kind of thing that would have been handy to know *before* getting married, but I digress.

For me, the difference between sexual/romantic intimacy and all of the other kinds of intimacy that you talk about is that sexual/romantic intimacy is the one kind that a monogamous couple can only find in each other. While the ability to talk, or sit in silence, or share things with each other etc. are important, you can get those from your sibling or parent or friends. There are many emotional and physical needs that can be met in healthy relationships with other people. In a monogamous relationship, the partners have to honor the pact that they will provide for the other person's sexual and romantic needs and trust that their partner will provide for theirs. It sounds like you're holding up your end of that implicit agreement by being a willing partner with your husband in role playing and pushing boundaries and keeping things spicy. Is he fulfilling his role in providing you with the sweet, tender, romantic intimacy that you want and need? It doesn't matter whether or not that comes naturally to him, he should learn to be good and that and like it because it pleases you. Whether or not your emotional needs are filled should matter to him, just as his needs matter to you.

The problem with unmet needs is that when you least expect it, someone else will come along who can fill them and you might not even know that you felt like you were missing something until someone else comes into your life with the ability to fulfill a need that you weren't aware you had! Then suddenly it becomes a glaring deficit that you have to address. Better to sense the need before that happens and work together with your spouse on making sure that both of you are feeling fulfilled or if you aren't, work together on fixing that.

Sorry for such a long post but you're dancing near a marital danger zone and your instincts are telling you that something needs addressing. So read up on this (seriously, that book I mentioned is well worth the time) and work with your husband before this becomes a big deal.