How Do You Accept Frustrating Habits in Spouse?

Hi J.,

I smiled when I read this - not because my husband is sloppy but because he's extremely neat and it drives me nuts sometimes :-). We all have to live with things that irritate us - my thought is, they irritate us less and less when we do accept them and find joy in them.

What strikes me is your husband sounds like a great guy - that he works so hard is a beautiful thing and that he is a great father is exceptional! For all of us, there are no guarantees - each day is as though it were our last. With this thought in mind, I hope you will find reasons to celebrate his wake of untidyness that so frustrates you now. Were it no longer to be a frustration (heaven forbid) tomorrow, you would be looking at this with new eyes.

These are such small things.

Life is short.

Tell him you love him - that his every pile to you, is a file :-). When you pick up a shirt or a forgotten book or whatever other items he leaves behind, my suggestion is that you put a dollar in a jar. If he asks, you can tell him it's your way of adjusting so that he doesn't have to - when the jar arrives at $60 or something, you plan on taking yourself out for a massage - doing something lovely for yourself, to relax. Maybe that's a nice motivator - the more he leaves around, the more massages? Just being silly :-).

But, seriously - I hope you take it all from the bigger picture from here forward - because these are moments that can either be seen as frustration or moments that can be turned into the kind one may cherish, in years to come.

You know, I once heard a story about an elderly lady who had to move into a home. Her family agonized over it - she was used to so much better than they could afford - it wasn't a pretty place - but it really was the best option for her condition. When she arrived, she put her things away and remarked on how lovely the room was - how happy she was going to be there. Her family couldn't understand how she was going to be happy in this ugly little space and, when they asked her, she responded something like, "life is about choices - I chose to be happy before I ever got here - the room has nothing to do with my choices."

I also once heard a report on NPR radio - about people who live to be over 100 years of age - they are, apparently, qualitatively different. They do not see life as stressful - they see it merely as speckled with problems that have solutions - obstacles that we must overcome, etc. How we look at things is incredibly important to our longevity - so, for your own long life (a gift to your family :-), take your frustrations and throw them into the sea - find a solution that works for you so that you simply revel in the joy of what you do have!

I wish you both great joy!

WR,
T. B.

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I was struck by the many stories I heard after 9/11 by family members who suddenly realized that a dangling argument or resentment meant nothing compared to the loss of someone they loved dearly. If you are glad your hunny is in your life, remembering that every time you notice his sloppiness might help. Would you trade him away for not having to deal with his forgetfulness? If not, that is a good thing to notice, and keep noticing.

You are grateful for his contributions to your mutual lives, and that is a far more love-affirming focus than regret over what he fails to do. That you are even asking this question suggests tremendous emotional health. Looks to me like you are already on the right track.

There is also a communication technique called NVC (Non-Violent Communication) that is based on mutual empathy and respect, and it can be a wonderful technique for affirming your husband's needs AND expressing your own. Might be worth googling (many sites explain the technique and offer examples). I have found this approach transformational in several frustrating situations. It may help you be clear about your needs and communicate them to your husband in a non-demanding way. (I'm sure there are other systems of communication that would possibly be as helpful, but NVC is the one I have experienced.)

Finally, another truth I've noticed in my own relationships is that sometimes I have a wish for my surroundings to be a certain way. Others have their own standards that are simply different from mine. It has become clear to me that their ways are just as valid to them as mine are to me. In my case, I love to have a lot of "creative and inspiring" clutter around – I'm an artist and have a dozen projects going at any given time.

On the other hand, if I want the countertops scrubbed or the socks picked up or the toilet cleaned, I do it. I do it FOR myself, without resentment, because it pleases me to have it done. And if I can't do everything I wish were done, I take another look at my expectations to see whether perfectionism is getting in the way of real life. I can cause myself a lot of grief if my wishes are out of sync with what is possible.

Surprise bonus: I notice that when I cheerfully do what I want done, it often inspires help and cooperation to a degree that complaining does not accomplish! My nearly-three grandson gets this cheerful and enthusiastic participation from the adults in is life, and it hasn't occurred to him yet that cleanup is anything other than the final stage of a game. It may never have to. Cleanup is fun and rewarding with the right attitude.

Long live sanity!

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I'm sorry - I'm laughing because my husband is an electrical engineer and is exactly the same way. I sometimes call him my absent-minded professor because he comes up with these awesome ideas, but then gets distracted with something else before it's complete or sometimes even started. Once he cut a hole in our wall because he thought it would be great to have a cupboard there for our internet router and printer - and then kept forgetting to go to the hardware store for a few months so we just had this gaping hole there! This used to frustrate me when we first got married and when we first had kids so I found myself exhausted from all the nagging, but over time I've just come to accept him the way he is. So what if I have to pick up his socks off the floor? Is it still worth it that I have a man who adores me and is okay with me going to hang out with my girlfriends in the evening - yes! I had to make a list of things he does do for me, and that really helped - I often find it rather amusing. It's even more amusing that my oldest son is so much like him. Yes, sometimes I have to remind him several times to do something that needs doing but I know he appreciates all the stuff I do for him. If you think sleep is really an issue, try enticing him into bed earlier. ;) Also, remember that he isn't a mind-reader. If you're exhausted or frustrated you need to tell him why you feel that way and that you really need more help around the house - and be specific about what you need him to do. If there are things building up around here, my husband finds it helpful if I write a "Honey Please Do" list or write it on a sticky note that I put on the fridge or the front door. Good luck!

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I am SO with you J.!
In the end, with the help of a counselor, I was forced to reach the conclusion that my husband is simply not an extension of me. He has a different threshold around what needs to be done and why. I have learned a few things that help, but it is far from perfect:
1. I have reset my expectations
2. I have changed my priorities, so that the items that he does not notice are the things that I do sooner. And the things that he notices I let slide a bit so that he can pick them up.

This means that by his perception I am not doing quite as much work, because he just doesn't notice when I scrub the toilet before it is nasty, but he sure as heck notices when I don't put the sheets on the bed or put away his laundry.

I have to be careful not to be passive aggressive about it. It is not that I refuse to put the sheets on the bed, or make dinner, or empty the diaper pail (things I would normally do first), it is just that now I do them second or third and he beats me to it more often than he would get to chores that I 'assign'. Where as he would never get around to the toilet or the vacuuming.

Good luck,
I look forward to reading the other responses.

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1st of all, you are on the right track. You already realize that being frusterated isn't the way to go. That is already a huge step, so way to go! The best advice we got before our marriage is never try to change each other and don't sweat the small things. If the dishes don't get done one night, in an eternal perspective, does it matter? When you die you arent going to think of all the daily housechores that never got done, you are going to think about those you love and the over all feeling that surrounds them. Don't let the unimportnant things set the tone for the important thingsin life.

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I struggle with the same frustrations. No in the same areas but i know how you are feeling. The best thing i have done is read Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Wife. I hope i am not crossing any lines suggesting a strongly religious book but i don't know where my marriage would be without this book. It has help us in more ways than i can count. Best of luck.

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You have a wonderful husband who's a good father and a good provider, and you're complaining? Think how many women would be thrilled to have a husband like yours. I think the key is to stop focusing on what he doesn't do and to start focusing on what he does. Compliment him on what a good father he is, tell him how much you appreciate him being a good provider, and start telling others the same too. Accept that you can't change him (and trying to do so could just make things worse, or make the good things about him change for the worse), and start teaching your girls to help out (my almost 2 yo is already helpful in many areas).

You could try talking to him about it. If he doesn't see that there's a problem, then drop it. If he does, ask him what he thinks he could do about it (men love to be asked for advice--it boosts their manly ego, which is what a wife should be doing anyway). But don't make too big a deal out of it. Be sure he knows how much you appreciate his good qualities and don't focus on the other issues. If you are a Christian, you can learn to give those issues to the Lord and that makes it a whole lot easier!

Hope this helps.

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First of all, realize that TONS on women have husbands that cannot even manage to take care of the kids for 15 minutes alone. Secondly, allow him to do it his way when he is in charge. Try to stop making rules about what the kids have to eat and what time they have to be in bed and such when he is in charge. Adopt the philosephy that if Daddy does it, then it is done right.

For things around the house, I use sticky notes to remind my husband of everything I need him to do. When I need him to take the garbage out, I leave the can in the middle of the kitchen, when I need him to go shopping on his way home from work, I text him as he is driving home. Worrying about providing well for your family is mind draining, when he looks at the big picture, forgetting to pick up his dirty socks just seems so trivial next to food on the table and roof over your head.

Nothing is fool proof, and no man will ever do things the way we do, but be appreciative of what he does do for you, give him slack for the extreme mental fatigue, and remember that the more you forgive his screw ups, the more he'll forgive yours.

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You said your husband is a wonder father, husband and provider. Focus on his strengths and pray for forgetfulness and forgiveness over his weaknesses. When you change your point of view the whole situation turns around! Imagine the vibe coming from your husband if he was always noticing your shortcomings rather than the myriad things you do for your family! Even when words aren't said, we communicate with each other!

Are you familiar with the Five Love Languages? (Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, & Words of Affirmation) Try to do something each day to show your husband love and respect in his language, and let him know how he can show you love in your language.

Appreciate what you do have!!

P.S. - He might be enticed to bed earlier if once in a while you are offering to show him your love in that *universal* way ;)

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I had to stop to make sure that I didnt post this....LOL!
Similar things here with my hubby - forgetful and less neat than I am. Youre right it does get frustrating.

I decided to lower my expectations of what he could get done. His level of clean is not mine it will never be and I cant change that. I was tired of being mad about it.

I also am more speicific on what it is I EXACTLY want him to do. We might understand - 'pick up the living room' But he really had no clue of what that meant. I tell him to vaccum and dust everything the living room - tell him what produts to use as well. One day I asked him to clean the bathroom - and when I looked - it wasnt really done - I asked 'did you clean the bathroom?" Yes! With what - I used a peice of toliet paper and water and wiped things down....ugh!

I make lists for him of the things I want him to do or pick up at the store - sometimes with EXACT brands and locations in the store. These lists get reviewed with him to make sure he has no questions - then posted on the front door - so he doesnt leave it at home. That way I dont get - I forgot the list or couldnt find it in the store.

Then - just like our children - I use postive rewards. Hey - you remebered not to put your socks on our kitchen counter and into the dirty clothes today. Thats great! I also try not to make big deals out of things that he didnt do right - just say oh - thats not right - lets fix it or maybe it will work anyway.

Also - if there is something that I want done a certian way - I just give up and know I have to do it myself if I am going to be happy about it.

I tend to stop to think about what I like in him and the things he is - a good father - a good cook - etc.

Good luck - take a deep breath.

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He is an Engineer? ha! get used to it! Especially the forgetfulness.

been married to an Electrical Engineer for 15 years, he can remember umpteen amounts of computations but something I said to him yesterday? Gone!
:)

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Maybe your husband has adult attention deficit disorder. My husband was the same way. Finally when he forgot to drop our daughter off at the babysitter's house and drove a half hour to work with her in the back seat before realizing it I asked him to see a doctor! Thank God he realized it and didn't leave her in the car all day!!! The doctor diagnosed Adult ADD and first prescribed an amphetamine type drug. That was hell! It made my normally happy go lucky husband an aggressive jerk! So then the doctor switched him to Straterra. It took awhile for him to notice any changes but now he says its working for him and he feels much more focused. Its worth looking into. Make sure you get a doctor who is knowledgeable about this kind of thing- a psychiatrist would be best if your husband doesn't balk at that. Good luck!

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My husband is also an engineer, and after 16 years together, I have come to the conclusion that he just doesn't see the mess. I have to break things down into specific tasks (i.e., pick up your dog's toys scattered around the living room, pick up your socks, sort the laundry and start a load, etc.), rather than saying something like, "clean up the living room".

I did, however, recently stumble upon a way to get him to put his dirty laundry in the hamper! As I was going around the house picking up the trail of dirty clothes that he had left, one of the items was the pair of jeans that he had worn the day before. I was in a hurry, and that pair of jeans happened to go into the washer first. Turns out that his wallet and $600 cell phone were in the pockets. OOPS!!! When he asked me why I didn't check the pockets, the very easy counter was, "Why didn't you empty your pockets and put the pants in the hamper!" I've informed him that I no longer pick up his clothes, and in the 3 weeks since, he's actually been doing a pretty good job! I wouldn't recommend this method, though...

You have to have a sense of humor, and remember the good things. Rather than focus on the fact that the kitchen is a mess, I focus on the fact that he and the kids cooked dinner. It makes my life happier. When you're feeling unappreciated, buy yourself flowers :)

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J., my darling =) I didn't realize this until I read your request and a lot of the responses, but it MUST be an engineer thing. My husband is an Aerospace Engineer, literally a rocket scientist and he can't remember ANYTHING! We have had actually sit down discussions about where his shoes should go (not the middle of the floor) that the dishes don't clean themselves, and the dinner doesn't cook itself. It is a running joke in our house, every time I see a recloseable box opened so that it is no longer recloseable, and bag opened upside down or literally just down the side, I just show it to him and he goes "it's not rocket science right?" He finally did say that he's not going to remember or "Get the hint" (I know, as moms, we see it, that's enough of a hint, but not our engineers, ha) So, if I need something, or if there is something I need him to do, I ask him. Starting with "Honey, can you please...etc.". This way he knows exactly what I wanted him to do, and you know what J., he never says no. Sure sometimes the dishwasher is loaded in a very unusual, aerospacey way, and sometimes stuff is folded inside out. But it's finished, and all I had to do was ask. I know that my concern was that I didn't want to sound like I was nagging. He said, you're not nagging if you ask me nicely. And it's true. My husband is also a truly wonderful husband and father. The best, and I didn't want him to feel like I thought he was lacking in any way. Turns out, he really just didn't notice things like that. He can built a castle out of legos in no=time flat with no plans, or draw the coolest picture in the world for out little boy without really looking at the paper, but normal everyday things kind of slip his mind. I guess that's ok, because I'm hopeless with legos and any sort of drawing implement. So I guess we even each other out. He wasn't aware at all of my feelings, maybe your husband isn't really either. But like I said, if I don't ask him, he won't notice. HIs brain just works differently I guess. Good luck =)

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Try doing a list. I know it sounds like something you would use for a five year old, but it works. Make a list of the things you need done around the house and leave it on the counter/fridge for him. Every time you catch him idling, just ask calmly/sweetly if he managed to get those things done. It even helps if you put a deadline on it.
Also if there is something you know he enjoys, then push him to do it more often. For my hubby its bathtime. I ask him to do bathtime in exchange I'll get the dishes. Try making things more of a team effort and it should go smoother. You make dinner, he does dishes. He gets laundry, you get vaccuuming the house. That way you are getting two things done at once. Also if he messes up don't bring it up, unless it is something serious. He folded the towels wrong, oh well. If you bring up faults in his effort, it will make him not want to try. And most importantly talk to him. Mention that you feel like there is so much to get done and not enough help around the house. Remind him that you could really use his help, and that you need him to help. Just be calm, and don't get angry when you talk about it.

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One small thing that has really helped my husband (and me) is we got a small white board and hung it in our kitchen. On it I write small tasks that I would like to get done and put some on my to do list and some on his. It really helps him to visually see what needs to get done (I list it by to do today and to do before the end of the week) and have a constant reminder every time he walks into the kitchen. It has also made me less of a nag since he sees the board all the time so I don't have to be reminding him what needs to be done.

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I'm speaking from 30 years of marriage. You're coming at this from the wrong angle.

He doesn't help at all or he's not doing things the way you want? Think about where you need the most help and why, then talk to him about it and make it a team effort. You cook and he washes dishes. He's very active with his kids, maybe he can take over their needs in the evening while you do the household things. Or make a list of things that need to be done each evening but try not to make it a huge list! No one ever died because their house wasn't ready to be photographed for Better Homes and Gardens ^j^

You speak so glowing about your husband that I don't want this to become more than it is. Tell him how much you appreciate how hard he works but you need his help in the house in these areas. Some husbands feel that when they're home, they're done for the day. It takes a bit of patience and ingenuity on our part to get things done with their help. And when all else fails, remember that you were able to say so many nice things about your husband.

E.

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Heya!

That does sound like an issue and even if you try to ignore it and accept him it probably could lead to resentment later on down the road. You may need to talk to him to let him know that. You both sound busy so it does not need to be on your shoulders alone.
One thing my guy and I do is a whirlwind clean (I know corny, but it works!). This is done in the evening before relaxing and include picking up, dishes, and some laundry. All in all about thirty minutes of effort to just get everything tidied. Also maybe when you guys talk you can ask him to make suggestions on how to keep on top of things. This will involve him and make him a part of the solution rather than the problem.
Whatever happens I hope something works out!

You are probably going to have to get used to it, BUT I have learnt a big lesson lately about suppressing feelings with my spouse. Apparently (according to marriage counsellors)we can't just choose which feelings to suppress. Suppress one and they all start to get suppressed. So if I suppress anger or resentment eventually my feelings of love and affection get suppressed too... so just voice your frustrations and let it go then your feelings will always be right there for you to access.

I would learn to accept that it doesn't occur to him to keep your schedule to your standards, but maybe you should enlist his doctor's help in convincing him to get more sleep.

You love your husband and want him to be around a long time for everyone's sake, and shorting his sleep might actually lead to severe health problems or cause him to fall asleep while driving, etc. If you need to, just schedule his next physical for him and make sure he goes. There are lots of studies online if you need help making this point.

Some things you just have to let slide and remind yourself that you love him for other reasons.
Have you ever mentioned your irritations to y9our husband, politely and maybe not everything at once? Maybe it would make him more aware of what makes you upset. Or you could work out work division differently.

I know your question was how to accept. But honestly, I would push him to help more. It is important to set a good example for children, and I think both parent sharing the work load is part of that.

You just need to remember how lucky you are. There are many women out there dealing with spouses that are over seas, some cheat, are addicted, who beat there wifes on a daily basis. If my husband was just forgetful and sloppy (well he is sloppy) but if those were is worse characteristics I would be ecstatic. I am not saying that it is not tough to deal with these things but I am just saying be happy that is all you have to deal with.

This may be both a "practical" issue and an emotional issue. The practical issue can be taken care of with chalk boards, notes, etc.

But the emotional issue may be the feelings of frustration, abandonment and distrust that are brewing. Is this "sabotage" on the part of the husband, selfishness, or even his way of being passive aggressive. IF these are the real issues, then a good sit down and talk needs to happen. The same resolution would need to be if your expectations are too high or you are a perfectionist. Nurses in specialties are very bright, leaders and expect quality work from themselves and from others.

If the issues are more about emotional aspects than practicalities, these are best to be discussed. Thirty years from now, they will have compounded and you may end up as the older couple who has nothing to say to each other at IHOP over pancakes.

We have a list of tasks that he needs to do. We have nightly tasks that have to happen every night no exceptions easy 15 min tasks. Pick up the kids toys and make sure the dishes are done. We trade off we each do one or the other. On the days he doesn't work he has an addition task 15-30 minutes long that he must do. Example. Vacuum downstairs, Clean hardwood floors (we don't have very many), Clean both bathrooms...the list goes on. If he doesn't have these tasks completed by 5 p.m. I am allowed to start "Nagging" him! If he doesn't complete his tasks he doesn't get any "gaming" time as he calls it. This has helped a ton...now it is not 100% of the time that he does his tasks but it sure helps out when he does!

Best of luck this is a battle I have been fighting for 5 years will no real great success!

Dude, I suffer from the same problems with my husband. You get a good answer to this one, I'd love to hear it. :) Good luck!

This may not sound very sympathetic, but I have a list I keep for my husband of things that need to be done...

J.,

Forgive my bitterness on this one but at least your hubby is involved in his family. Mine is lazy, sloppy, and may be around physically, but that's about it.

I'm interested to see what responses you get, they might work in my home too.

M.

J....

How about asking him to help with chores he has never done. We have lived in the same house for 7 yrs and it dawned on me a couple months back that my husband has never moped the kitchen floor(one of my least favorite things)after I brought this to his attention he has been the one to mop the floor:)
Also when you can I find that everything goes smoother and quicker when everyone is cleaning something at the same time, it makes it feel more fair and like everyone is doing their part, the kids also dont give any grief when they see mom and dad doing chores too!

Just a thought...

K.

I've asked questions like this but not gotten a response. Basically, every time I get extremely frustrated over things my husband does or doesn't do, I try and focus on all of the wonderful attributes he has and the wonderful things he does. Your hubby sounds normal, just realize there are those of us who can sympathize and support you from afar.
Good luck!
B.

Choose the things that you will do around the house, and then if he doesn't do the things he is supposed to do -- just leave it. My husband has similar habits. I got tired of being the only adult. So -- I just did the things that I could do -- and when he got tired of tripping over his messes, he finally got the hint. Try to talk him in to getting some help from a sleep center. He may be (as my husband was) in need of some help with sleep apnea which kept him from resting when he did sleep. He now has a C-PAP machine, which makes a world of difference. Good luck.

You accept them because you married and, hopefully, he is worth it. Step back for a minute and look at yourself- do you have any habits or quirks that might bug him? The problem with being human is that we all do. Do your best to change your thinking around to what he does that is so amazing. He sounds like a great guy.
Something to try is to praise him often for what he does well and thank him even for the little things he does. Try this for a few weeks and see if he doesn't start doing more around the house. Make sure he knows that you notice him. You may be surprised.
Keep us updated. I really hope you will try to work this out for your sake, for the sake of your marriage, and for the sake of your kids.

Jennifer's recommendation of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a good one. Find ways to validate and support his good behavior so that you have some leverage/traction to discuss the things that are bothering you. Lots of couples in the book were sure things could never change, until they tried it...it's a fast read so give it a shot.

I don't think that you can change him. My husband is the same way. It causes lots of problems in our marraige. I've tried talking to my husband, it might work for a day.
prayer, that's all I have to go on. The book, Power of a praying wife is so helpful.

Hi J.,

There are lots of great responses here. I have two additional suggestions. Make sure that you take care of yourself- take time out to do fun things for yourself. If you are happy, then you are less likely to notice things. Also, a girls weekend away will help him to notice and appreciate all you do when you are there. If you can afford it, how about hiring some of the big chores done, so you don't feel so overburdened with everything?

One last comment...if you want him to go to bed earlier, give him a reason too :) If he usually goes to bed at 11:00, lure him to bed at 9:30. Have a little fun and then he will still get to sleep before usual :)

Have you tried a dry erase marker/board? We actually use the bathroom mirrors/ dry erase markers as a place for our reminders. Item done, just erase it. Guests coming over or pop in unexpectedly, it is quickly removed. Good luck